“I SHOULD HAVE MORE TO SHOW FOR MY LIFE”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 300
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I was coaching a mom the other day and she said, I look at my life and I just think, is this it? This woman, like many of us moms, has spent years being the glue that has held everyone in her family together. She's raised and launched three objectively successful kids, and from everything she's told me, it was pretty clear that she has bent over backwards to make that possible for them. When they needed to travel for sports or for school, she was the one traveling with them.
She'd spent countless hours driving her kids from one activity to the next, juggling all of their responsibilities, making it all happen. She'd also been caring for her parents and supporting her husband through changes in his career. For a long time, her life was very full.
And now that her kids are older, she's finding that she has a little more space to breathe. And instead of feeling excited about that, she felt almost ashamed. Because what she admitted to me was that when she looks at her life, what she sees is all the things she hasn't done.
At one point in her life, she had a thriving career. She was someone people relied on professionally. She also made her own money.
But at some point, juggling both a career and raising a family just didn't make sense anymore. And so she quit. And now, as she sits in the space of relative quiet, she feels like she should have more to show for her life by now.
What's interesting is that I've coached women who did build the career while raising a family. In fact, I can think of one mom who had an incredibly successful career. In fact, she was the breadwinner of her family.
From the outside looking in, there was so much she could point to to say, I did that. She was financially successful, and her kids were also doing well. By all the usual measures, this was a woman who had accomplished a lot.
But for this mom, her struggle was that she didn't feel as close to her kids as she wanted to. Yes, she'd spent years working hard to give them opportunities to build this beautiful life for her family. But now that her kids are older, there was this painful disconnect between what she'd built and how she thought it was all supposed to feel.
It's like all of the success she could point to didn't feel like proof that she had done enough. Because the thing she wanted most in that moment wasn't more accomplishment, but more connection. And then there are the women who by all accounts did both.
They worked and they raised kids. The proverbial mom who somehow was able to do it all. And yet I've coached women in that position who still think, I should have done more.
Maybe despite all of the effort they've put into raising their kids, they aren't thriving in the ways they wish they would be. In some cases, maybe they wished they hadn't stayed in that marriage. Or they stayed in a career they didn't love just because it felt safer.
They could have wished they started the business when they first had the idea. Or they wished they'd gone back to school for that degree. Or they could look around and wish they had more friends, or hobbies, or talents.
You know, all those things we tell ourselves that we'll do once things calm down. And now that our kids are older, it's easy to look around and say to ourselves, I wonder if it's too late. And sometimes we get to this space and we don't even know what we want anymore.
So I want to invite you to consider this. If the mom who stepped back from her career to raise her kids feels like she doesn't have enough to show for her life, and the woman who built the successful career can feel like she missed something with her kids, and the woman who somehow managed to do both can still look around and feel like she should have done more, then maybe the problem isn't actually that we haven't done enough. Maybe the problem is that our brains are really good at finding the one part of our lives that doesn't look the way we thought it would, and using that as evidence against ourselves.
I should have more to show for my life. I think this is one of those thoughts that can hit especially hard in the stage of motherhood because for a lot of us, our kids growing up creates enough space and distance for us to look back. I mean, when you're in the thick of raising kids, you don't have a whole lot of time to sit around asking yourself these big existential questions about whether you're living up to your potential in life.
You're just busy triaging your life. And maybe if we're really honest, that busyness itself can feel easier because you don't leave yourself open to these thoughts that are questioning or taking inventory of your life. Because when we do have that space, we find these gaps, these areas where we're not satisfied and we think to ourselves, I should have more to show for my life.
There are a few things driving this thought that I think are really valuable for us to see. The first is that we perpetually change our definition of enough. Think about how often you tell yourself, if we can just accomplish this next thing, then we'll finally feel settled.
And we do this in every area of our lives. Maybe it's the milestone with our kids. We'll feel settled when they get into college or when they get their first job.
In our own lives, maybe it's when we make more money or we lose weight. We think somehow that once we get there, wherever we've decided there is, then we'll finally get to feel like we've done enough. But then we get there and our brain almost immediately starts looking for the next thing.
Your kid gets into college and now you're worried about whether they'll be happy there. You get the promotion and now you're comparing your salary to someone else's. You build the business and now you think it should be bigger.
Your kids are launched and instead of thinking, wow, look at what I helped make possible, you're wondering why they don't call as much or whether your relationship with them is as close as it should be. And what's so interesting is that we usually don't even notice that we've moved these milestones. Honestly, we just believe that this new thing really is the thing that would finally make us feel like our life is as it should be.
And I think this is the part that can be so hard to see while we're in it. We keep treating enough like it's an objective place we're eventually going to reach. But the truth is, there is no point in parenting where someone hands you a certificate and says, your kids are officially okay.
You get to stop worrying now. And this applies to every other area of your life too. There is no universal amount of money that's enough or an objective weight that's enough or a number of friends that's enough.
The truth is, there isn't some objective milestone out there waiting for us because we're the ones deciding what counts. And we're also the ones deciding what reaching that milestone is supposed to mean. But then when we finally get there, we are the ones who decide it's not enough anymore.
The second thing I think is happening when we question what we have to show for our lives is that we have a really narrow idea of what counts. First, we tend to give a lot more weight to the things that are visible. The career or the money, the titles, the degrees, the business, the things we can point to and say, see, I did that.
And I do think our kids' successes get folded into this too. But I think it goes both ways. On the one hand, there are times when our kids are doing well and we do feel a little validation in that.
For example, if they get into a great college or they do something specific that feels very tangible. Sometimes when they just feel happy and they tell us, thanks mom, I really appreciate everything you do for me. In those moments, maybe we do give ourselves a little bit of permission to say, okay, maybe I did do something right here.
And of course that feels good. But I think we can be equally capable of discounting all of this and not giving ourselves credit. Yes, we're proud that our kid got into college or they got that great job.
But we don't always take credit for that success or at least our part in it. We say to ourselves, I was just cheering them on. They did the hard work.
I'm just a mom. So it's like even the things we absolutely could count as evidence of a life well-lived can feel like it's not enough or not something we get to hold on to and take credit for. I think the other part of this is that there are also those times when our kids struggle.
And isn't it interesting that we so often blame ourselves? We don't always give ourselves credit for the wins, but we absolutely blame ourselves for our kids' failures and disappointments. And meanwhile, we can completely overlook so much of what doesn't come with an obvious outcome. How do you quantify the years you spent showing up for your kids? Or all the ways you've been slowly letting go of control throughout your kid's life? From letting go of their hands when they learn to walk to now letting go as they build their own lives.
That has not been easy work, my friend. But how often do you give yourself credit for that? Think of all of the other ways you've had to adapt and grow throughout your life, whether as a mom or just a woman in your own life through all of the things that you've been through. Overcoming these obstacles and the accomplishments you have in your life, sometimes they're harder to quantify, but that doesn't mean they don't count.
So when you think I should have more to show for my life, I think it's worth asking yourself, what if I decided counts as proof of a good life? The third thing I think is happening here is that a lot of us are actually a little uncomfortable with the idea of enough. Because you want to know what I observe when talking to moms, and I even observed this in my own mind. Somehow, somewhere along the way, enough started to sound a lot like settling.
If I say this is enough, does that mean I'm giving up? Does it mean I don't have any goals anymore? Does it mean I'm just supposed to look around my life and say, well, I guess this is it? I think a lot of us are afraid that if we stop telling ourselves we should have done more, we'll somehow stop wanting more. I think there's a lie we tell ourselves that if we stay a little disappointed in ourselves, maybe we'll work harder. It's along the lines of what we do to our bodies.
If I'm just disgusted enough with my body, then maybe I'll finally make myself lose the weight. Think about how many other ways and areas of our life we do this to ourselves. And we absolutely do this with our kids.
We think if we just stay worried enough about their grades, maybe they'll work harder. Or if we just stay disappointed enough in how much they're on their phones, maybe we'll figure out a way to get them off their phones. If we keep reminding our kids that they're not living up to their potential, maybe that will be the thing that motivates them to finally do more.
And we do this exact same thing to ourselves. We use dissatisfaction as fuel. We think that if we feel bad enough about not having more close friends, then maybe we'll get ourselves off the couch and put ourselves out there.
Or if we stay embarrassed enough by the mess in our house, maybe we'll finally get organized. If we call ourselves lazy every time we slow down, maybe we'll somehow become more productive. Or at least not let up.
Notice how this is exactly what's happening with this thought. I should have more to show for my life. It's almost like we're convinced that the negative pressure will somehow make us make the next chapter of our lives count.
So what do we do with all of this? Well, first, we have to stop waiting to feel like something is enough and start recognizing that enough is a decision. Because if we never make a conscious decision about what enough looks like, the line is going to keep moving. If you don't decide what is enough, then by definition, it is literally never enough.
The thing is, there will always be another goal that you have or another thing that you want to improve. But I think what I've come to realize is that part of deciding what's enough has to include a celebration of everything it's taken for you to get where you are right now. And I'm actually not even saying we need to sit there manufacturing a belief that we're so amazing, we did such a good job.
But what I'm actually talking about is really stopping long enough to acknowledge what this version of your life has required of you. The decisions you had to make, the things you gave up, the ways you adapted, the times you kept going when you really didn't know what you were doing. All of the mistakes and the course corrections, the ways you were growing and becoming this version of yourself.
Even if that growth felt messy and painful at the time. Because if you only ever look at what's still missing, you never actually get to experience the life you worked so hard to create. And I think that's part of what deciding what's enough asks us to do.
It's not letting go of wanting more, but actually letting go of ignoring everything that is already enough. The other invitation here is that we have to get much more honest about what we're willing to count. Because my friend, what is the measure of a good, meaningful life? We act as though there is some objective answer to that question.
Like if we raised successful enough kids, that we have enough friends or made enough money, accomplished enough professionally, traveled to enough places, then we could look back on our life and say, okay, I did that right. But who decided that? Just like we get to decide what is enough, we also get to decide what matters. Maybe part of a meaningful life for you was being the mom who was there every afternoon when your kids walked through the door.
Or maybe it was continuing to build your career so that you could earn the money to make sure your kids had access to every opportunity in their lives. Maybe part of a meaningful life for you was living close to your parents so you could be there when they needed you. Maybe you've worked hard to support your husband in his career.
Maybe you have five really close friends. Maybe you have one. None of these things by themselves tell us whether you lived your life well.
Only you get to decide. But just notice that hidden in this thought, I should have more to show for my life, is some definition of what a life is supposed to look like. So maybe it's time that we're honest with ourselves about how we're measuring that.
Because what I'm realizing is that as I get older, the measure of my life isn't going to be in the things I accomplished or the number of boxes I check. Although as a type A, I'll be honest, I love checking boxes. More and more, I'm realizing the measure of a good life for me is am I showing up for the people that I love? Am I spending my time doing things that matter to me, that are making a difference? Am I growing? Am I having fun? My friend, there is no objective measure of any of those things, but I can decide that they matter more than anything in my life.
And I can also decide what's enough. My friend, it's up to you to decide what belongs on your list. But if you don't, your brain will happily hand you someone else's definition of a successful life and then use it to tell you that yours isn't enough.
The final invitation here is that we have to stop using disappointment in ourselves as fuel to somehow get ourselves motivated to want more. And look, you are allowed to want more. You get to want a closer relationship with your kids.
You might want to start something new or change careers or travel more or make new friends, make more money, whatever more looks like for you. But I don't think you have to go about achieving more by making where you are now feel bad enough. You don't have to tell yourself I've wasted too much time to finally start the business.
You don't have to decide I've been a terrible friend to reach out and build stronger friendships. And you don't have to keep thinking I've screwed up my relationship with my kids in order to show up intentionally with them now. I mean, truly, what's the upside? Why beat yourself up? Why not just go to the work to creating the life that you want? The only answer I can see is that somehow, subconsciously, we think that if we stop criticizing ourselves, we won't take the new goal seriously.
But what if that's not true? You don't have to shame yourself for where you are now to decide where you want to go next. What if this is also a decision you get to make? And I think that's really what all of this comes down to. You get to decide what is enough.
You get to decide what counts. And you also get to decide whether you need to beat yourself up in order to keep moving forward. No one else gets to make these decisions for you.
But honestly, if you don't make these decisions consciously, your brain will make them for you. It will keep moving the line. It will keep comparing your life to some version of what it thinks you should have done by now.
And it will keep using disappointment as evidence that you need to try harder. So maybe that's the bigger invitation in all of this. You don't have to keep living on autopilot, letting your brain decide what's enough, what counts, or what your life is supposed to add up to.
You can actually learn how to make those decisions on purpose. And my friend, this is so much of the work we do inside of MOM 2.0. The truth is, the way our brains process uncertainty means that we are constantly second-guessing ourselves. We also jump to the negative, to the worst-case scenario.
We judge ourselves. We compare ourselves to other people or to some imaginary version of our lives that we've created in our heads. And none of that means there's something wrong with us.
This is just what human brains do. But when you begin to understand this, that's when you can stop believing every thought your brain hands you. You can start recognizing these mindset traps for what they are.
And that is where you get your power back. Because so much of living the life you actually want to live comes down to the decisions you get to make on purpose. I don't want you to spend the next 10 years chasing a finish line that keeps moving or to keep looking at your life and your kids and your relationships and your dreams and thinking, I'm not there yet.
This isn't enough. Instead, I want you to be able to look at your life and actually take it in. To see how far you've come and to stop dismissing every hard thing you've seen yourself through just because there's still something left to work on.
I think so often we spend so much time feeling behind in our lives that we never actually allow ourselves to be in the experience of our lives. What if that could stop now? What if you could be here for all of it? The pride and the joy, the appreciation as well as the disappointment and the hope and the uncertainty, really the human experience. I want to sign up for all of it.
And that is the work we do inside of Mom 2.0. My friend, it is so easy to tell ourselves that where we are isn't enough. And I have to be honest with you, I am not immune to it. In fact, this is the 300th episode of this podcast.
300 episodes. When I started this podcast years ago, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. And I honestly felt like I was speaking into the wind.
Now I have the privilege of coaching moms from literally all over the world. Europe, Asia, Africa, North America. It still blows my mind that there are women in completely different parts of the world listening to this podcast and hearing something that helps them.
And I also know dads are listening too. And I even have dads as coaching clients now. By so many measures, I could look at what I've created and decide that it's a success.
And wouldn't you know it, my brain can still tell me that it's not enough. And honestly, it has nothing to do with the money. It's more about how I thought it would feel when I got here.
If you had told me back when I started this podcast that one day I would be sitting here recording episode 300, that tens of thousands of downloads would be happening every month, that women around the world would be listening, and that this podcast would give me the opportunity to coach so many incredible moms and dads, I genuinely don't think I would have believed you. It would have sounded impossible. And yet here I am.
And yet that default part of my brain can still look at all of it and say, but is it really enough? And my friend, this is exactly what I mean. There is no milestone that's going to come along and finally force your brain to say, okay, now you get to be proud. Now you've done enough.
At some point, you have to decide. And I am deciding that 300 counts. I'm deciding that every person who has listened to this podcast counts.
Every client who has trusted me with her story counts. Every conversation I've had I sat down behind this microphone, having no idea what I was doing. Every single one counts.
And my friend, I can also decide all of it is enough without deciding that I'm done. I still want this work to reach more people. I still have goals that matter to me, but I refuse to make what hasn't happened yet the reason I don't appreciate what already has.
And this is my invitation to you. Don't wait for some future version of your life to finally give you permission to appreciate this one. You can still want more.
You can still have dreams and change things. But please, my friend, don't get so busy looking at how far you still want to go that you miss how far you have already come. Your life is happening now.
Let this part count. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
