“I'M EMBARRASSED BY MY BIG KID”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 296
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I am embarrassed by my kid. Oh my gosh, can we just say that out loud? Because I think this is one of those things, as moms, we feel all the time and almost never want to admit. And I'm going to tell you something, I have absolutely been embarrassed by my kids.
One of my favorite examples, although I can assure you it was not my favorite at the time, was when one of my sons decided that showering was optional. And I'm not going to tell you which son, I have to protect at least some of their dignity on this podcast, but somehow, he just decided to stop showering. And the funny thing about this is that there's this long period of parenting where you're very involved in whether or not your kid bathes.
I mean, when they're little, obviously, you are literally bathing them. And then they get a little older and they can shower for themselves. But you're still saying, go take a shower.
But then eventually, they get a little bit older than that, and you assume that they've got it covered. Until one day, you look at your big kid, who you assume should know by now that they need to shower. And you think, wait, when was the last time you showered? And I'm not talking about missing one shower one day.
This was greasy hair. You could actually smell him when you walked by. And for some reason, I've been blessed with an extremely sensitive sense of smell.
And I assure you, it's more of a curse than a blessing. So it was like being around him was incredibly uncomfortable for me. So I would say to my son, without sugarcoating it, you need to shower.
And he would say, I'm fine. And I would think, no, you're not fine. I can smell you from across the room.
And of course, part of our job as moms is to make sure our kids take care of themselves and they learn the basic rules of hygiene. I mean, as a human being, you need to shower. And if my kid isn't doing this, then I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure he does.
So it bothered me on that level. But I noticed something else that bothered me about my son not showering. It was bad enough that he was sitting there greasy and smelly in the house.
But then he would go out into the world like that. And at times he'd be around people I knew. And in those moments, I could feel this increased level of urgency, like you are not leaving this house until you shower.
And so I want to acknowledge that a big part of what bothered me at that time is what I imagined other people were going to think when they saw my son. And if I'm really honest, it was even more about what I imagined they were going to think about me when they saw my son. I mean, what kind of mother lets her kid walk around like this? Can she not get him to shower? And look, you can tell yourself all day long that you don't care what other people think.
But sometimes you do. Sometimes your kid does something, or wears something, or says something, or behaves in a way that makes you cringe. And you think, oh my God, people are going to see this.
And of course, sometimes it's something relatively harmless, like your kid not showering. Embarrassing, but it's not hurting anyone. But sometimes the things our kids do that embarrass us feel a lot more loaded.
I remember another time when my boys were in high school. I was very involved at their school at the time. And one day I heard that someone had broken the glass on one of those fire extinguisher cases.
Apparently, there had been this whole thing about it because no one was admitting to having done it. And so, of course, the dean of students was trying to figure out who was responsible. So I remember driving my boys home from school, and I said something to them like, can you believe someone broke that glass and no one's admitting it? And they were right there with me saying, yeah, can you believe it? Who would do something like that? Well, come to find out, it was one of my sons who was the one who had done it.
And it wasn't even really the broken glass that annoyed me. I mean, obviously, I wasn't thrilled that he'd broken something at school. And part of the problem was he was in a place where he shouldn't have been doing something that he wasn't supposed to be doing.
But at the end of the day, kids also do dumb things. What bothered me even more was that he knew he had done it, and he listened to me talk about it in the car, and he hadn't admitted it. In essence, he lied.
Now eventually he did come forward, and there were consequences, including consequences for the fact that he hadn't been honest in the first place. And it's exactly what should have happened. He had to face the consequences of his actions.
But I noticed at the time that I was also embarrassed. I mean, I knew these people at school. I was involved.
And there was this big part of me thinking, oh my God, my kid is the one who did this. And even worse, my kid is the one who lied about doing it. Isn't it interesting to notice that we have these different levels of what looks acceptable for our kids to do wrong? I mean, if your kid forgets to turn in an assignment, or they leave wet towels on the floor for the hundredth time, you might be annoyed.
But when your kid does something that really goes against one of your values, like honesty or respect, being responsible, even behavior that's bordering on gross or illegal, that's when it starts to feel so much more personal. It feels like it says something about who your kid is. And maybe even more to the point, it feels like it says something about who we are as their mom.
I mean, obviously I taught my kids not to lie. So when my son did exactly the opposite of what I taught him, there was this little voice in my head that wondered, what are people going to think? Are they going to think I haven't taught him better? I mean, does this somehow reflect on me? And I hear versions of this from moms all the time. Maybe your kid isn't breaking fire extinguisher glass, but she comes to a big family dinner and barely acknowledges her grandparents.
Or your son sits at a gathering with friends of family, and he's just sitting there on his phone, and he makes absolutely no effort to talk to anyone. Maybe your daughter's wearing something you think is completely inappropriate. Maybe even worse, she's posting it online, and now you're afraid someone is going to see it, or you're going to walk into a room full of people you know.
Or maybe your kid is rude to a waiter, or they act entitled in front of someone you know. They barely say hello to your friends. Or maybe it's more serious than all of that.
Maybe your kid is drinking when they're underage, or sneaking into places they're not supposed to be, stealing something, or using a fake ID. And now the embarrassment has a whole nother layer to it, because it isn't just, my kid is being rude, it's, I fear my kid's going to get caught doing this really stupid thing. And then, what are people going to think about us? I think this is where embarrassment gets really interesting, because if you stop and think about it, we don't have this same reaction when it's someone else's kid.
I mean, if I see some random teen being rude, I might think, wow, that kid's being rude. Or if I walk by some college kid who clearly hasn't showered in several days, I might think, yikes. Or if I hear about some 20-year-old getting caught with a fake ID, I might think, well, that was a dumb decision.
But I don't feel embarrassed. I don't suddenly feel any sense of shame about somebody else's kid. And maybe this seems obvious when you're talking about another kid who isn't yours, because their behavior has nothing to do with you.
But that's really the clue here. Because when we feel embarrassed by our own kids, there is usually some version of the thought in our mind, their behavior reflects on me. If my kid is rude, what does that say about the way I raised him? Or if my kid lies, what does that say about the values I taught? If my kid's drinking too much, or making reckless choices, or failing out of school, or just generally acting like an idiot, what are people going to think about me? And I think this is especially hard for moms, because for so many years, our kids really were our responsibility.
When they were little, if they hit somebody at the playground, we stepped in, we apologized on their behalf. If they didn't say thank you, we reminded them until they said thank you. And if they were running around a restaurant screaming, we were expected to deal with it.
Their behavior was, in a very real way, our job. So it actually makes complete sense that we still feel responsible. Even though our kids are older, and they have their own ideas, and their own choices, and their own ability to completely ignore every single thing we've ever taught them, somewhere in our minds, there's still this belief that if they're behaving badly, we should be able to do something about it.
And when we can't, it feels like we're failing at our job. I really wish there was a clear line. A moment when someone emails you a notice that says, your kid's behavior is no longer yours to manage.
They have to handle it on their own. Although now that I think about it, we do get that notice when it comes to our kid's medical needs. At 18, technically, we have no ability to direct our kid's medical care unless they sign a power of attorney.
Like literally, we have to get a legal document to be allowed to be involved in our kid's medical care when they turn 18. But how many of us have kids that are 18 years or older who are still involved in their kid's medical care? Not to mention many other things that are far less serious. I'm here to tell you that most of us do this.
At least in our minds, we're still carrying responsibility for our kids far longer than that moment when they turn 18. And I don't offer this as a judgment. I'm right there with you.
It is such a difficult transition to manage because the truth is, at some point, our kid's behavior truly stops being something we can direct or manage. Truly, the only reason they're going to change their behavior is because they decide to change their behavior. Now, this doesn't mean we stop having opinions.
Believe me, you are still going to have plenty of opinions. You may even still have to have conversations with your kid or set boundaries around behavior that you feel is unacceptable. And if your kid is doing something dangerous or illegal, of course you may decide there's something you need to say or do.
But with our big kids, the hardest part is realizing that we actually can't force them to behave differently. You can tell them what you think, you can decide what you're going to do about it if they don't change, but you do not have the power to stop them from making a choice you hate. I've spent a lot of time on this podcast talking about setting boundaries with our kids.
But in this episode, what I really want to invite you to see is that there is a real opportunity for you to set a boundary with yourself, because there is a big difference between saying, I don't like my kid's behavior and saying this behavior means I've failed as a mom. There's something about my kid's behavior that I should be ashamed about. Those are not the same thing.
Your kid can absolutely make a terrible choice, even though you did, in fact, teach them better. Your kid can lie, even though honesty is one of your core values. Your kid can be rude, even though you have spent 18 years teaching them manners.
Your kid can also make choices that make absolutely no sense to you and that you would never make yourself. And none of that tells us anything about the quality of the parenting you gave them. All it tells us is that your kid is a separate human being who sometimes does things you wish they wouldn't do.
And this, for better or worse, is one of the truths that comes with raising a human being. So let's talk about what you do when you're embarrassed by your kid, because embarrassment creates this kind of urgency inside of us, doesn't it? Quite simply, we want our kid to change, and it often feels like it needs to happen now. So we tell them what they need to do, and then when they don't do it, we remind them.
Eventually, we lecture, we explain for the 10th time why what they're doing is a problem. We might even find ourselves apologizing for them or making excuses for them. Essentially, we can try to manage what other people know about what's going on.
Now, of course, the main reason we try to get our kid to change is because we genuinely want our kid to make a better choice. But often there's this other layer to that urgency, and it's that we need them to stop doing this thing because we don't want to have to feel embarrassed anymore. When I wanted my son to shower, of course I wanted that because it's basic hygiene.
But in those moments when I knew he was going out in the world, my sense of urgency about this need went way higher. And so it's interesting to notice when you're worked up about something your kid is doing, would it bother you quite this much if no one else knew about it? And you don't need to judge yourself for the answer, but exploring it can help you separate the actual problem you have with your kid's behavior from the story you're telling yourself about what their behavior means about you. Now, I can already hear the pushback in your mind because maybe you're thinking, but Jennifer, people really are judging me.
And honestly, maybe they are. People judge. We all do it.
Someone sees your kid being rude or irresponsible or making a terrible choice, and they may absolutely think, what kind of parent raised this kid? Let's call a spade a spade. We've probably all done it, which is exactly why it's so easy to imagine that it's happening, because we're not necessarily making it up. We even see it online, people in the comments writing all sorts of terrible comments about the parents and how they messed up because of their kid's behavior.
As a society, we hold ourselves to such a high standard as if somehow we have the ability to control our kids' choices. And so, my friend, even if it is true that those other people are judging us, I wonder if we could just let it be fine that they have their opinions. As Mel Robbins would say, let them.
The truth is, other people have no idea how hard you are working to raise your kid to be the best version of themselves. They have no idea. They don't know how many times and ways you've tried to instill values in your kid.
They don't see the evidence of all of your hard work and your good intentions, all the different ways you've tried to approach the situation differently. And they also have no idea what's going on in the mind of your kid, who has their own reasons for doing what they're doing, as inconceivable or misguided as those reasons might be. It's so interesting to notice how much of our emotional energy and even our own suffering comes from trying to control not only our kids' behavior, but also everyone else's opinion of us.
My friend, it's actually exhausting, because even if you somehow got your kid to behave exactly the way you wanted, you still can't control what another person thinks about you. So maybe our goal shouldn't be to keep other people from judging us. Maybe we can just be willing to let other people misunderstand us, to even misunderstand our kids.
And look, letting other people misunderstand you does not mean you have to approve of what your kid is doing. You can still think your kid is making a terrible choice. You can still wish they would behave differently and tell them what you think.
But your invitation here is to separate your disapproval from your shame. There is a huge difference between thinking, I really don't like the choice my kid is making right now, and the choice my kid is making says something terrible about me. One of those is about your kid's behavior.
The other is about your identity as a mom. And when we can truly keep those two things separate, we actually get to show up so much more clearly, because we don't have to try to manage our kids so that we can feel better about ourselves. We can just decide what we want to say or do, and then allow our kid to own that ultimately, their choices belong to them.
If your kid is rude, people might think they're rude. If they're irresponsible, a boss or a professor may have something to say about that. If they make a reckless choice, there may be a consequence that you can't protect them from.
That is hard, especially when you can see it coming. But as our kids get older, all of that belongs to them. You don't have to constantly step in and defend them or make sure everyone else understands that this is not how you raised them.
So much of parenting big kids is learning to separate what belongs to your kid from what belongs to you. Their choices and their moods, their mistakes, even the consequences they face, those things belong to them. What belongs to you is deciding how you want to think about all of it, how you want to respond, what boundaries you want to set, and who you want to be even when your kid is doing something you absolutely wish they weren't doing.
My friend, I have to tell you that parenting this way is so much more empowering and peaceful because you stop spending so much energy trying to get your kid to act differently so that you can feel better. Instead, you get clearer about what is yours to handle and what belongs to them, and most importantly, how you want to show up either way. This is the work we do in My Mom 2.0 coaching programs.
So if you want help being this version of yourself, you can learn more through the link in the show notes. And just to bring this full circle, the son who went through that phase where he didn't shower at all, he has beautiful hygiene now. At the time, it felt like such a big thing.
I was convinced I needed to keep reminding him and managing it for him. And now, years later, it's actually comical to remember how much emotional energy I gave to it. The thing your kid is doing right now that embarrasses you may not be who they are.
It may just be what they're doing right now. Yes, your kid may be doing things that make you cringe. They may make choices you disagree with.
There could also be moments where you think, oh my God, please do not let anyone see this. But also, their behavior is not your report card. You can love your kid and be disappointed in them.
You can also disagree with them and even be embarrassed by them sometimes. But you don't have to turn any of that into evidence that you're failing. Because in reality, your job isn't to raise a child who never makes a bad choice.
It's to keep being the mom you want to be while your kid figures out who they want to be. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
