“MY KID HAS NO WORK ETHIC”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 294
Welcome to the Almost Emptiness podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
Do you ever wonder about your kid's work ethic? Maybe there are times when you think, why do I have to remind you to do everything? Sometimes we look at our kids and they do the absolute bare minimum. Or they just don't seem to care very much about the things we feel like they should care about. It's like, why don't you want this for yourself as much as I want this for you? Maybe your kid wants money, but they don't seem very motivated to get a job.
Or you tell them they can do chores around the house to earn money, but they just don't do the chores. Or they have a job, but they feel like it's a huge burden to go. Every day, they're tired.
They want to call out sick. They don't like the manager. Or they don't want to take that many shifts.
They're definitely never on time. And meanwhile, you're thinking, welcome to the real world, my friend. Sometimes you have to go when you don't feel like going.
Nouveau Splash, that's life, honey. Or maybe their struggles are around school. You know they're capable of doing better, but you watch them wait until the last minute with everything.
They don't seem to spend any time studying for their tests. And based on their attitude, it feels like an average grade, or even a below average grade, is good enough, even when you're convinced they could do so much better. And what's even more frustrating about all of this is that you feel like, as their mom, you're the only one who's bothered by it.
You're trying to get them to step up, to take advantage of opportunities, or to want to be successful. And they seem perfectly fine doing none of those things. Or maybe the frustration is around what happens at home.
You've asked them to take care of one chore, one thing that needs to happen to keep the house running, and somehow you are still the one keeping track of whether or not it happened. You ask them to walk the dog, and it doesn't happen until you call to remind them. And even then, they blow it off.
They don't take out the trash without 10 reminders. And by the way, their stuff is everywhere, no matter how many times you tell them to pick it up. I mean, how is it that they don't seem to care at all? I've also talked to moms who worry because their kid seems to give up really quickly when something gets hard.
They want the job, or they want to get into the club, or make the team. But they seem to get discouraged really quickly if they don't get what they want right away. Ultimately, they say they want something, but you don't see the effort that, in your mind, is required for them to actually get what they want.
And this is where I think our minds start putting all of these things together. It isn't just that they didn't take out the trash, or that they didn't apply for that job, or that they're not studying as hard as we think they should. We start looking at all of this evidence and wondering if it means something bigger.
Maybe your first thought is that your kid is lazy or entitled, that they don't have any idea how much you actually have to apply yourself to get ahead in the world. But ultimately, I think we can fear that they're never going to figure out how to be responsible in the real world. I mean, will they ever actually move out of the house, be able to hold down a job? I mean, who's going to hire them? Maybe we worry that they won't ever graduate.
And meanwhile, we can feel this unbelievable sense of frustration that we have to be the ones to keep pushing them, even when they seem to not care at all how hard we're working to help them be successful. What I found to be true in my conversations with moms is that when we worry about our kids' effort or motivation, we're usually not just worried about what they're doing or not doing today. I mean, yes, it is annoying and inconvenient when they don't apply themselves in this moment.
But if we're really honest with ourselves, even more than the day-to-day frustration and stress of keeping our kids on track, what we're really worried about is who they're becoming. That's why something as simple as your kid lying on the couch while you're running around and cleaning and making dinner can feel so triggering. You see your kid just lying on the couch, but then your mind starts creating a whole story about what that behavior means.
Probably first and foremost, you're thinking, how is it that you're not thinking to ask if I need help? Ultimately, you see no work ethic, no drive or motivation, no consideration for others. And on top of all of that, they start pushing back and you think, no, if you act like this with anyone outside of the home, you are going to have a rude awakening, my friend. And so, of course, all of this frustration just makes us start looking back at ourselves.
How did I let this happen? How did I raise a kid like this? I mean, clearly, I've made things too easy on them. Maybe I've been too much of a pushover. Often we'll say to ourselves that we didn't get them in the habit of doing chores early enough.
Or maybe we should have been more strict with consequences. And the problem is that now that they're older, it feels like we've missed the opportunity to teach them something they're going to need to survive in the real world. And just notice the responsibility we carry here as moms.
We want so badly for our kids to become hardworking, responsible, polite, independent people. And if you really think about it, we've taken it on as our job throughout our kids' lives to make sure they become those things. So it's really hard not to look at our kids not living up to these goals and not feel like we're failing.
And I think this is where this issue gets really complicated because we're not just trying to get our kids to do these certain tasks. What we're really trying to do is help them develop certain qualities. I mean, on the one hand, yes, we want our kid to take out the trash.
But what we want even more is for our kid to become a person who sees what needs to be done and takes responsibility for doing it. Also notice that there's a difference between our kid just getting a summer job and having them ultimately learn how to become someone who understands that if they want something in life, they're going to have to work for it. We want them to be the kind of person who follows through even when they don't feel like it.
Someone who's considered enough to notice when someone else needs help. We also would love for them to be able to tolerate frustration and disappointment. If they get rejected from a job or a team or something that they really want, we feel like they should go after it even harder.
And wouldn't it be amazing if they could get a crappy grade on a test and really understand for themselves that maybe that means I need to study a little differently next time. Ultimately in life, we want them to understand that sometimes you have to do things that are boring or inconvenient and even hard because that's part of being an independent adult. My friend, of course, you want your kid to be responsible and hardworking and independent.
And of course, we want to instill all of these qualities in our kids so that they're prepared to be on their own. I mean, this is such a core part of parenting. But I want to invite you to notice how easily we go from I want to teach my kid how to be responsible to it is my responsibility to make my kid responsible.
They sound like almost exactly the same thing, but they're actually very different. Because once I decide it's my responsibility to make my child hardworking, now I need evidence that it's working. I need to see them getting up and doing the chore that I asked them to do without asking them to do it.
I need to see them taking initiative. I need to see evidence that they're working hard and studying and applying for that job. And so every time we don't get that evidence, our mind is going to tell us that we need to do more to get it.
Like maybe I need to start finding consequences when they don't do chores, or I have to stop giving you money, or maybe I need to let you fail. I also notice that one of things moms keep coming back to is maybe I should try sitting my kid down one more time to explain why all of this matters, why they should in fact care. We think the answer must be a better conversation.
Now my friends, think about the pressure of all of this. Because we're essentially telling ourselves that if we can just find the right combination of rules and expectations and consequences and support, that we can create the adult we want our kid to become. I was talking with a group of moms recently about this exact issue, and what was so interesting was that every mom had approached it a little differently.
Some had always expected their kids to have chores, and some were actually willing to give their kid money in exchange for the chores. Some moms expected their kids to get jobs as they were teens, and other moms didn't expect their kids to get jobs because they felt like their primary job was school. So they were happy to pay for certain things because they wanted their kids to be able to focus and enjoy their high school or college experience.
And so what became really obvious as all these moms were talking was that there wasn't one magical system that guaranteed a certain result. In fact, you can have two kids raised in the exact same house with the exact same parents and the same expectations, and one of them might save every dollar while the other one spends it before it hits their bank account. One kid in the same family might be incredibly driven at school and completely useless when it comes to helping around the house, and then the other might hate school but work 30 hours a week at a job that they love.
Our kids can even have tremendous work ethic in one area of their lives and seem completely unmotivated in another. I had one mom tell me, my daughter will never clean her room, but she will be meticulous about keeping all of her makeup completely organized. So in that conversation, we had a number of different moms with different strategies, and all of their kids responded to those strategies differently, even within the same family.
And so isn't it fascinating that we often assume there's an obvious correlation between what we do as parents and who our kids become. If I make them do chores, then they'll learn responsibility. If I make them earn their spending money, then they'll understand the value of a dollar.
Maybe. Those experiences absolutely can help teach our kids those things. But really consider that we don't actually get to decide what lesson our kid takes from those experiences.
I mean, you could have your kid clean the baseboards every Saturday morning for the next five years. And that kid could grow up thinking, well, mom really taught me the value of hard work. Or they could grow up thinking, I am never cleaning again for the rest of my life.
The truth is, the way our kids internalize the lessons we teach them actually belongs to them. I really want to invite you to consider this distinction. Teaching value is something that you can do.
But making another person internalize that value is not. Now, that doesn't make what you do as a parent meaningless. We can certainly hope to model what we want our kids to be.
And we can absolutely decide on boundaries that are actually in our control. But we cannot actually force our child to share every value that we try to instill in them. I was thinking about this the other day too.
Think about the last time you encountered an adult who seemed to have a terrible work ethic. Maybe it was someone who was helping you in a store who obviously seemed to care less about whether they helped you. Or that contractor who kept saying they were going to show up and they never did.
We've all had that experience with someone we paid to do something and they did a mediocre job and somehow acted like you were asking too much by expecting them to do what they said they were going to do. Those people exist in the world. We've all dealt with them.
And in those moments that you experience this, you're no doubt annoyed. You may even think, wow, this person has zero work ethic. Or they're lazy or completely unreliable.
But I'm guessing you probably don't immediately think, wow, their mother really messed this up. You don't usually start wondering whether their parents required enough chores when they were 12 or whether their mom should have been stricter with them when they were in high school. No, you look at this adult with zero work ethic and you think, this person is responsible for their own actions and responsibilities.
I think that's really fascinating because with our own kids, we can take on so much responsibility for these exact same qualities and instilling them so that they have them when they're an adult. And if somehow our kid isn't motivated enough or responsible enough, somehow our minds make that evidence about us. What did I fail to teach or what did I do wrong? Now, it's also interesting to consider this a different way.
Maybe when you go to a store and that sales associate who seems to have no work ethic is a teenager. Maybe then you do think a little bit differently. Maybe you wonder whether this teen's parent ever holds them accountable.
And I think this is part of what makes this so hard. Because I think we have this idea that while our kids are still young, they're still moldable. That we should be able to shape these qualities in them if we just parent well enough.
I've even had moms say to me, I'm running out of time to be able to get this to in. And again, I want to honor that I know that to a large extent, all of this is our job as moms. We want to guide our kids and help them be the best version of themselves.
But I think we can take that responsibility so far that we believe that if our kid doesn't ultimately become hard working or responsible, it means that we didn't do our job well enough. The more moms I work with and the more moms I hear about the strategies they've used to raise their kids, the less convinced I am that there is one right formula for creating any quality in our children. I know moms who have required chores from their kids that were non-negotiable.
And some of those kids grew up to be incredibly responsible, and others fought tooth and nail against every request. I know moms who hardly ever required chores. Their philosophy was more like your job right now is school.
And some of their kids became incredibly motivated, responsible adults. And some of those kids didn't. They struggled with motivation or work ethic.
And the reality is these differences often showed up in the exact same family. You can have three kids raised by the same parents, living under the same rules with the same expectations, and one of them is incredibly driven. One is totally laid back but generally responsible, and the other one has absolutely no interest in applying themselves or helping out around the house.
So all of this really starts to poke holes in this belief that there is one right thing we're supposed to do as parents to instill work ethic in our kids. And look, I am not at all saying that you shouldn't require chores or set expectations with your kids, or even that there's no value in trying to teach your kid responsibility and work ethic. But these lessons are only going to land if your kid lets them land.
You can do everything in your power to teach, and your kid is going to have their own thoughts and feelings about all of that, full stop. And so I think this is the part that we have to be willing to accept, even though it's uncomfortable. You get to decide what you want to teach, what you're willing to pay for, and what you're willing to do if your kid doesn't do what you ask of them.
Those decisions belong to you. What doesn't belong to you is whether your kid appreciates the lessons you're trying to teach them. You don't control whether they think your expectations are fair, or if they become motivated on the timeline you think they should.
All of that belongs to your child. And I know there might be a part of you that hears all of this and thinks, okay, but I can't just do nothing. What if I stop pushing and they never figure it out? And I am not suggesting you do nothing.
In fact, I think letting go of the responsibility to make your kid develop work ethic can actually help you be much clearer with yourself about what you do want to do. Just imagine making decisions about what you will or won't do, or what you're willing to pay for or help with. Imagine being so clear with those decisions, but then consider what happens when you stop thinking those decisions carry the weight of having to produce a certain response from your kid.
You get to set the boundary because it reflects your values. You get to say no because you mean no. You don't need every decision to teach the perfect lesson.
You just need to be clear about your part and be willing to let your kid take responsibility for theirs. Because here's the thing I want to invite you to consider. Sometimes our urgency to teach our kids responsibility actually causes us to take more and more responsibility away from them.
So we remind them again, or we ask whether they emailed that person. We drop everything to do the thing they forgot to do. We also rescue them from the consequences.
And then we're exhausted and resentful, wondering why they don't seem to be taking on more responsibility. And again, I'm not here to tell you how to parent your kid. And I'm also not telling you that you shouldn't help.
I help my kids all the time. And there are moments when I am absolutely willing to make something easier for my boys because I love them and I want to help. The question really is why are you doing it? Are you helping and teaching and stepping in because you've decided on purpose that this is something you want to do? Or are you helping because you're afraid that if you don't, they won't be okay? These things can look almost identical from the outside in terms of the actions entailed.
But they actually feel very different for us on the inside. And understanding the difference is a key part of the work we do inside of my mom 2.0 coaching programs. Because so many of the women I work with come to me asking some version of what do I do about my kid? And what we discover together is that the answer isn't usually another parenting strategy.
It's really learning how to separate what belongs to your kid from what belongs to you. And also understanding the fear and responsibility that are driving your decisions. And through this work, you'll learn how to make decisions that you feel good about from a place of confidence instead of anxiety and frustration.
Again, I'm never going to tell you the right amount of chores your kid should do or whether they should get a job or exactly how much money you should give them. But what I will help you do is get clear on what matters to you, understand what's driving your reactions, and learn how to trust yourself enough to make decisions you can have your back about, even when your kid doesn't like them. This is the work we do in mom 2.0. You can find all the details in the show notes.
My friend, our brains are constantly trying to find the right action that will guarantee the outcome we want for our kids. So we're constantly evaluating what do I say? What consequence should I use? How much should I help? Should I make them do this thing? And we really believe that somewhere out there is the right answer. The parenting decision that will make our kid become more responsible, more motivated, more appreciative.
But so often, there is not one right answer. There is only the decision you make on purpose, based on what matters to you, and then your willingness to let your kid have their own experience of that decision. This takes a tremendous amount of self-trust.
Because sometimes your kid will be annoyed. Sometimes they'll tell you you're unfair, or they'll waste an opportunity. Sometimes they'll make that bad or questionable choice.
And sometimes they'll have to face natural consequences. An angry boss, an annoyed roommate, an empty bank account. And none of that means that you failed to teach them.
Maybe they just weren't ready to learn the lesson. And so I think that's the part we need to remember. Because our kids are still in the messy process of becoming who they are.
The way they're showing up right now is not the final story about who they're going to be. They may learn some of the lessons in life that they need to learn from you, but they may have to learn other lessons later from life. So your job isn't to make sure every lesson lands exactly when you want it to.
It's really to keep showing up as the mom you want to be, while giving your kid room to become who they're going to be. And that, my friend, is a big part of letting go. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
