“I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE AS A MOM”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 290
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
Do you ever feel like a failure as a mom? I hear this from moms all the time. Sometimes they say those exact words, I feel like I failed. And other times it comes out as a question, where did I go wrong? Sometimes moms will say this to me when their kids are struggling or making really scary choices.
Our kids can get caught up in things that feel dangerous or self-destructive. Maybe you discover they've been using drugs or drinking too much, struggling with their mental health. Or maybe you realize there was something going on that you didn't understand the magnitude of.
And immediately your brain goes to, how did I not know? How did I miss this? Why didn't I figure it out sooner? Or maybe your kids started pulling away from you and you don't understand why you can't have the relationship with them that you want. So your brain decides there must be something that you did wrong. Maybe I was too strict or I didn't give them enough space.
Maybe I made a choice that they'll never forgive me for. In my work with moms, some version of this question comes up almost every single day. And I want to invite you to really sit with this question.
What does it even mean to be a good mom? And maybe even more importantly, how would you know if you've been one? Because I think there's something really complicated at the heart of this question that we don't always recognize. When you really think about it, being a good mom is about how you show up. It's the choices you make as a parent or the way you talk to your kid or the way you listen, the way you hold space for them when they're struggling.
It's also the rules that you set and the boundaries you hold, the consequences you're willing to enforce, also the things you decide to let go. And intellectually, I think most of us can agree that there is no one right way to do any of this. God knows there are plenty of people willing to tell us that there is.
Be stricter, set better boundaries, stop enabling them. You should let them fail or you really need to give them consequences or you should back off, listen more, say less. Everybody has an opinion about what good parenting should look like.
And sometimes I think we wish there actually were one right answer. Wouldn't that be a relief? Just give me the manual and I'll follow it. Just tell me what to say and when to say it.
Tell me what boundary I should set. Give me the exact parameters. How long should I hold it? What should I take away as a consequence? Can I just have the right formula? It would be so nice if someone could just tell you the steps that would ensure that you're doing this right.
And so many of us look for those steps. We Google the questions we're struggling with or we listen to the parenting podcasts. We ask our therapist and they give you some helpful advice.
And so you take some notes, you consider what you're hearing and you say to yourself, okay, this is what I need to do. And then you get back into your real life with your big kid and you realize it's just not that simple. Intellectually, one answer might feel like the right one.
But you realize you have absolutely no way to enforce it or make it happen. In fact, I can't tell you how many times I've made a parenting decision that from the outside, someone else might question. But I knew at the time there were very specific reasons I was making that choice.
It is incredibly easy to judge someone else's parenting from the outside. But it is much harder when you're the one standing inside the circumstances and trying to decide what to do about them. But notwithstanding the fact that we all have opinions, I think most of us can recognize that good parenting is probably going to look different from mom to mom.
It can even look different from child to child in the same family. Being the mom I want to be for one of my boys has not always looked exactly the same as being the mom I want to be to the other one. Because they're two different people.
And as I parent them, I'm responding to two different circumstances. And what good parenting looks like is also going to reflect your values. And it has to respond to the child in front of you and the situation you're dealing with.
And so often, we don't get a heads up about what's coming. We're figuring it all out in real time. And sometimes we make a decision and later realize it wasn't really effective.
So we have to try something different. And sometimes we make mistakes. And so we have to learn from those mistakes and recalibrate.
And when you really think about it, that's good parenting too. So when we look at motherhood this way, being a good mom is actually a pretty nuanced thing. It isn't fixed.
There isn't a clear one-size-fits-all definition. And if you can acknowledge that this is probably true, then why are so many of us convinced that we're failing? What exactly are we using as the evidence that we failed? And I think this is where we start to get into trouble. Because of course you've made mistakes as a mom.
I know I have. There have been plenty of times when I've walked away from a conversation with one of my boys and thought, well, I really messed that up. There have even been moments when the words were coming out of my mouth and some part of my brain was already thinking, no, no, this is not what I want to say.
This is not going well. But somehow I couldn't stop it because I was angry or scared. So I said the thing I knew I probably shouldn't say.
And then I couldn't take it back. There were times when I regretted my behavior almost immediately. And then there were other times where I didn't realize it until later.
Times when one of my boys said something in their own anger that made it clear how they felt about something I'd done. At times they even made it clear that they blamed me for something. And I didn't always handle those conversations perfectly either.
I can remember one time in particular when I was so angry that I just left. And for an excruciating, painful hour, I contemplated walking away entirely. It just hurt too much.
So yes, there are many things I regret. But I also want to offer that making a mistake is not the same as failing as a mother. I think we blur these two things all the time.
We look back at one decision or one period of parenting and we think, I shouldn't have done that. And then we translate that into thinking, this is why my kid is struggling now. Or this is why they're pulling away or pushing back.
We become convinced that our mistakes directly correlate to the struggles we're facing right now with our kids. And just notice that in almost every other area of our lives, we understand that making mistakes is part of being human. No one's perfect.
And in fact, if you really think about it, making mistakes is actually how we learn. We try something, we realize it's not working, so we reconsider. Try to figure out how to do it a little differently.
And maybe through that process, we find something that works better. This is how we learn and grow. In fact, it's exactly how you've approached parenting over decades.
Remember when you couldn't get your baby to sleep? Maybe you tried burping them, then swaddling them, or giving them a pacifier. You kept trying things and eventually they slipped. And if you're lucky, you found something that worked.
Maybe there was something about being a beginner when our kids were little that allowed us to think that it was okay that we didn't have all the answers. Somehow, as our kids grow up, we get to a point where we tell ourselves that we should have known, that we were supposed to know what our kid needed ahead of time, or that we should have seen the warning sign sooner. Or alternatively, maybe we say to ourselves, we should have trusted our kid more because we got too involved.
We let our fear get the better of us and now they blame us for overreacting. It's like we tell ourselves that we were supposed to somehow anticipate the impact of every decision we've ever made. And that is so clear by how much we beat the crap out of ourselves in retrospect.
I should have known. I should have seen it. I should have handled it differently.
And listen, maybe there are things you genuinely wish you had done differently. And maybe there are things you need to take responsibility for, or that you want to apologize for. But I'm guessing you've probably already done that.
Only our kids don't always receive these apologies with open arms and reactions that make us feel better. If anything, we can find that our apologies fall on deaf ears. So we apologize again and again, and then still hold on to the guilt and regret.
But you can also take responsibility for something you did in the past without making it mean that these mistakes caused what's happening in your child's life right now. So often when moms tell me that they feel like they've failed, often the evidence they give me isn't actually about what they did. It's about what's happening with their kid.
They tell me about how their kid is struggling, or they're not motivated, or failing classes. They don't call home. They won't open up to them.
Maybe their kid's angry with them or not taking care of themselves. Their kid's making incredibly scary choices. Notice how easy it is for us moms to feel like our kid's life is our report card.
And if that statement feels uncomfortable or not quite right, if you hear this and think, no, I know that my kid is their own person. I can't take credit for everything that they do. I want you to just consider that for a minute, because maybe you don't consciously take credit when things are going well.
Maybe your kid gets into college, or has good friends, or seems happy and confident, and you don't walk around thinking, look what I did. I'm such a great mom. But there can also still be this quiet sense of reassurance underneath it.
You think, okay, they're doing well. Maybe I did something right here. And if your kid's life is going well, maybe that's when you give yourself a little bit of permission to feel like you did a good job.
But just notice what happens when the opposite is true. When your kid is struggling, or making choices you don't understand. When they're not taking advantage of opportunities, or they're unhappy, or unmotivated, or disconnected, or headed down a path that scares you.
Suddenly we are very quick to make that mean something about us. What did I do wrong? How did I let that happen? Where did I fail? Isn't that interesting? We're reluctant to take credit for our kid's successes when they're thriving. But look how quickly we're willing to take responsibility when they're not.
When your big kid's life is going well, maybe you do get to feel like you did a good job. But if they're struggling, or if they're not living their life the way you think that they should, then suddenly your brain has all the evidence it needs to say, see, you failed. And honestly, as painful as it is, it also makes so much sense that we do this.
Because for a really long time, being a good mom actually did mean having a tremendous amount of influence over what happened with our kids. Think about when they were little. If they weren't doing their homework, you could sit them down at the kitchen table and walk them through it.
If they weren't brushing their teeth, you'd stand there and make sure they did it. If they were struggling in school, you could email the teacher or hire the tutor. Or if they needed to go to the doctor, you made the appointment and you drove them there.
At least when they were little, if they were spending too much time on their screen, you could take that screen away. Were we ever completely in control of our kids? Not necessarily. Any mom who's tried to get a three-year-old to put shoes on so they could get out the door on time knows that they probably could never completely control their kids.
But compared to where we are now with our teens and adult kids, back then we had an enormous amount of power to shape their environment and make decisions for them and influence what happened in their lives. And I think without consciously doing it, we started connecting those outcomes to how we were doing as a mom. When they finally slept through the night or learned to say please and thank you.
When they got their homework done or made a friend. When they seemed happy. Or even those moments at night when everyone was finally in bed and you got to breathe that sigh of relief.
We did it. Just think how powerful those tiny moments of success felt as they accumulated day in and day out. Every single time you got this little hit of reassurance.
Okay, good. They're doing okay. I must be doing something right.
And again, I don't think most of us were consciously taking credit for our kids' accomplishments, even these small ones. But we were learning over and over again that part of our job as a mom was to notice a problem and help solve it. Kid is hungry, you feed them.
Kids sick, you take care of them. They're struggling, you figure out what they need and you fix it. Kids headed in the wrong direction, you turn them around and point them in the right path.
For years, that was not only possible, it was often exactly what good parenting required of us. Now our kids are older and the job changes. And by the way, you never get a memo that says, now your job description is different.
In fact, if anything, we can still see the problem so clearly. We can see where our kids are headed in the wrong direction. We know that they're not trying hard enough or that they're in a relationship that doesn't seem healthy for them.
You can see all of the ways that they're not taking care of themselves or isolating themselves or making choices that could have very real consequences. And everything within you says, do something, just fix this, get them moving, help them see what you can see. Except now, you don't actually have the power to make any of this happen.
You can talk, you can ask questions, you can share your concerns, you can even set boundaries around what you will and won't do. You can be there for your kid, but you cannot make another human being change unless they want to change. And I think this is one of the hardest parts of motherhood at this stage, because the instinct to solve the problem is still there.
And needless to say, our love and our fear is still very much there. But our power has changed. And when we don't recognize that, it is so easy to interpret our inability to fix the problem as evidence that we are failing.
But powerlessness is not failure. You're not failing to solve the problem. Sometimes the problem just isn't yours to solve anymore.
I had a conversation with a mom recently who was so angry about something that was happening with her daughter. And as we talked, it became really clear that underneath the anger was so much fear and love and helplessness. She was watching what was happening with her daughter, and she could see the choices she was making.
And it's so hard not to see where those choices could lead. And she was trying everything she could think of to do to get her daughter to see it. And in our conversation, she was so angry.
So at one point, I asked her, why are you holding on to so much anger right now? And she said something that I thought was so incredibly insightful. She said, because I feel like if I can just find the solution, then I can fix this. And I am so angry that I can't find it.
And I thought, wow, that is it. That is so much of what's happening for us as moms. We keep thinking there must be a solution we haven't found yet.
Something that will finally get through to our kid and make them see it. And as long as we believe that solution exists, we'll keep searching for it. Because if there is a solution out there somewhere, then maybe we can still control the outcome.
And I think this is actually where self-blame is actually protective. Because as painful as it is to think maybe I did something wrong, there can almost be something safer about that thought than admitting, I love my child and I may not be able to control what happens here. Because if I caused it, maybe I can undo it.
It actually feels safer to think I did something wrong because if I caused it, maybe I can undo it. If I failed somehow, maybe I can work harder to fix it now. But what if you're focusing on the wrong thing? The truth is, we do want to change what our kid is doing in large part because we love them and we care so much about them being safe and happy and moving in the right direction.
And that actually will never change. I don't ever want to stop caring about these things for my boys. But caring about it is very different than being able to control it.
And that is the most important lesson I think we can learn as moms of big kids. Because as long as we think we can control our kids' outcomes, we're going to be measuring our success by our ability to do that. So what if your work now is actually in learning how to stay grounded in yourself even when you can't change it for your big kid? And my friend, this is the work we do inside Mom 2.0. Because knowing intellectually that you can't control your big kid is one thing.
But actually knowing how to live in that reality when your kid is struggling or pulling away or pushing back or making choices you're terrified are going to have terrible consequences, that is something entirely different. Mom 2.0 is my 10-week coaching program for moms of teens and adult kids who want to stop feeling like they're stuck on an emotional roller coaster as they navigate how to support their big kid. Maybe your child is pulling away and you're trying to figure out how to stay connected to them.
Or maybe they're pushing back and every boundary or decision turns into an argument that leaves you second-guessing yourself. Or your kid could be struggling, but they won't let you help them in the way that you want to. Learning how to navigate these challenges is the work that we do together in Mom 2.0. We focus on learning how to quiet the anxiety and the constant overthinking, how to make decisions you trust even when your kid doesn't agree with them, and how to stop caring responsibility for things that are not in your control.
You can do this work one-on-one with me or in a small group of other moms who are also struggling with similar challenges. Women who are dealing with different circumstances, but who understand what it feels like to love your kid this much and still have to figure out how to let go of the parts you cannot control. And I think there's something so powerful about doing this work in a group because you very quickly realize, oh, it isn't just me.
I'm not the only one struggling with the stage of motherhood. And not only do you get to learn from your own coaching, but you also learn from watching other moms work through these exact same questions. My next Mom 2.0 collective group is starting very soon, so if you are listening and thinking, I want to learn how to do this differently, I would love to have you join us.
You can learn more about Mom 2.0 through the link in the show notes. My friend, I don't think there will ever be a time when we stop wanting the best for our kids. And that also means that there may never be a time when we entirely let go of the worry.
But I do know that you can become the mom who can love her kid with all her heart and care so much about what happens to them, but still trust yourself to know, it is their journey, and that their life is not your report card. And so if all of that is true, what does success look like in the stage of motherhood? I want to offer that it's simply something that you have to decide for yourself. Because the truth is, no matter what's going on with your big kid, the power to decide if you're failing or succeeding, it's always been up to you.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
