WHY THE RIGHT BOUNDARY CAN STILL FEEL SO WRONG WHEN PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS | EP. 289
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Do you ever feel like you've tried setting boundaries with your big kid, but they just don't work? You've tried setting limits, but they're still making the same choices, and so you're left wondering what you're doing wrong. In this episode, I'm talking about why even the right boundary can still feel wrong. I'll share a different way to think about what boundaries are actually for, so that you can spend less time second-guessing yourself and start trusting your decisions without needing to wait for your big kid to change.
And this conversation is going to apply to you whether you're dealing with a teenager or an adult kid. So let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
When you're a mom of a teen or even an adult kid, the question of boundaries comes up a lot. It comes up around cell phone use and screens and video games when your kids are younger. It comes up around curfews and responsible driving.
We also grapple with boundaries as we watch how our kids apply themselves in school or any of the things that they choose to do. Also in how much they help out around the house and how they treat the various spaces in the home. We have a vision for what we want all of this to look like, and our kids don't always meet these hopes and expectations.
We also sometimes grapple with boundaries around the relationship we have with our kids. We have expectations about how they speak to us and how they communicate their frustration. When they leave home, we're often tempted to set boundaries around how often they call or how quickly they respond to our texts.
And even when our kids have graduated from college, boundaries come up around whether they're looking for a job and how responsible they are with their money. We have to make decisions about how much we're going to financially support them and how we start to pull that back as we encourage them to be more independent. I've even coached grandmothers around boundaries with their adult kids and how often they're willing to watch their grandkids.
So I hate to break it to you, but there is really no end to the need for us to face boundaries as we parent our teens and even our adult kids. And unfortunately, there's another piece of bad news I need to pass on, and I've seen this play out countless times in my relationship with my own boys, but also in countless conversations coaching moms with kids of all ages. The truth is, sometimes setting a boundary feels uncomfortable no matter what boundary you choose.
You tell your kid no, and you feel guilty. You say yes, and now you feel a little resentful, or you question whether or not you should have said no. You try to hold your kid accountable, and now they're angry with you, and so you start to worry that you're damaging the relationship.
But if you don't hold them accountable, you worry that you're enabling them and failing to teach them responsibility. You say something because you feel like it's your job as their mom to say something, and then you wonder if you're being too controlling. Or better yet, they tell you that you are, or they tell you it's none of your business.
Then you decide to back off to let them figure it out, and now your brain starts saying, but what if they don't figure it out? I think a lot of us have this idea somewhere in our minds that if we could just figure out the right boundary, we would finally feel better. That there's some perfect consequence, or the right way to communicate what we expect. And if we could just figure that out, that our kid would understand, and then we would know we'd done the right thing.
And then we could finally stop worrying about them. But I've come to realize that that isn't actually how boundaries work at this stage of motherhood. The thing is, you can make a completely reasonable, thoughtful decision about a boundary, and still feel uncomfortable.
And I think one of the reasons this feels so confusing is that it wasn't always this way. I mean, when our kids were little, setting boundaries could also be uncomfortable at times. They cried when we said no to the toy, or got mad when we turned off the TV.
They definitely didn't like being told to brush their teeth, or go to bed, or leave the party when they weren't ready to go. But back then, for all intents and purposes, when we set a boundary, we got our way. If I told my kid to brush his teeth, I could stand there until he brushed his teeth.
If I said no to more candy, I could just put the candy on a shelf that he couldn't reach. Or if I said you're not going to a friend's house, well, he wasn't going to his friend's house. There was no way he could get there without me.
Our kids might not have liked our boundaries back then, and it definitely wasn't always fun dealing with their reactions. But there was a certain simplicity to it. We believed it was our responsibility to teach our kids how to be safe, responsible, kind, respectful human beings.
And we also had a tremendous amount of power to enforce the things we were trying to teach. Just think of the power of this combination. We had both the responsibility and we had the authority.
And even when setting the boundary was uncomfortable, there was often something reassuring about knowing this is my job, and I know what I'm supposed to do here, and I can actually do it. Fast forward to parenting a teen or adult kid, and suddenly the whole equation has changed. And in so many ways, the things we're worried about now feel far more consequential than whether or not our kid gets one more piece of candy.
Now we're talking about driving safely, or drinking, school, college, work, money, relationships, motivation, how they take care of themselves, how they treat other people, whether they're making choices that are going to serve them well in their future. The stakes can feel so much higher, and yet our ability to control what happens is so much lower. We can't stand over our 16-year-old and make them study and actually learn or care about the material.
We can't keep our 19-year-old from vaping when they're not in front of us. We can't go on interviews for our 23-year-old so they get that job. We also can't make our kid call us more often.
In essence, we can't force our kids to be safe when they're not with us. We can't make them happy. We also can't make them motivated or care about the things we think they should care about.
And as heartbreaking as it is, we also can't make them have the relationship we want them to have with us. Now, that's not to say there's no room for boundaries. We can certainly have limits around what we'll support, or pay for, or what we'll allow in our home.
We can also set limits around what behavior we're willing to be around. We can also make decisions about what we're going to say to our kid and how we're going to communicate it. And there is power in these decisions.
But even when we make these decisions, we still can't force our kid to learn the lessons we're trying to teach them on our timeline. And just think about how terrifying that can feel. I can't make them safe.
I can't make my kid happy. I can't get them to care or be motivated in their life. And I can't even get them to connect with me.
Oof, that is so hard. We want those things more than anything. And to think we have no power to make it happen.
It's no wonder we're so stressed about boundaries. But there's another layer to this making boundaries even more stressful. And that's that in addition to simply wanting these things for our kids because we love them, we're also carrying the same sense of responsibility for helping our kids achieve these goals as we did when they were five.
We still think, even if it's an unconscious thought, it's my job to make sure my kid learns this. And if they haven't learned it yet, it of course feels like our work isn't done. So from this perspective, we do what we think we should be doing as good parents.
We keep working on teaching the lessons. We keep explaining and reminding. We keep turning the challenge over in our minds, trying to find a better way to communicate it.
How do I get them to care about this? We try to find the appropriate consequence. We Google the problem or ask ChatGBT. Surely someone else has solved this problem, right? In fact, I Googled how to set a boundary with your teen and it said, setting boundaries with teens involves open collaboration, clear expectations, and mutual respect to help them build independence and decision-making skills.
It sounds great, but how do you collaborate with someone who has no interest in collaborating? We so often feel like we're just throwing spaghetti up at the wall, watching to see if our boundary worked. Did they change their behavior? Are they taking this seriously now? Are they making better choices? And if the answer is no, then our minds immediately go back to work. Okay, what do I need to do differently? It can feel like this endless loop.
Maybe I need to be firmer, or maybe I should just back off. I need to stop paying for this, or maybe they need a bigger consequence. We keep searching for the one thing that will finally make this lesson land.
I just notice how exhausting this is, because now the boundary isn't simply a decision about what you're willing to do or not do. It's become a test. If my kid changes, the boundary worked.
If my kid doesn't change, something about that boundary must have been wrong. Or worse, maybe something about my parenting is wrong. And this is where I see so many moms get really stuck, because we're not just asking ourselves, what do I want to do here? We're asking, what do I need to do to get the outcome I think my kid needs to have? Those are two very different questions.
The reality is that as long as the goal of the boundary is to produce a particular response from your kid, you're handing over your own sense of peace to something you can't control. And this isn't just about our kids approving of our boundaries. It's really, at the end of the day, whether they comply with it.
Because what we're essentially telling ourselves is that we can't stop worrying until we see evidence that our big kid learned the lesson we're trying to teach. And this is especially hard when the lesson feels really important. If I'm worried about whether or not you're cleaning your room, it can for sure be frustrating, but maybe I can tolerate the possibility that it takes you a while to figure that one out.
And don't get me wrong, we'll often look at that messy room and use that as evidence in our mind that our kid can't get their act together. So even that can be incredibly frustrating because it feels like it means something important about their future. But often, on top of little frustrations, we worry about their safety or their mental health, how they're ever going to figure out how to support themselves.
And when we're worried about all of these really big things, it becomes so much harder to say to ourselves, well, I guess they'll learn this in their own time. And I just want to invite you to sit with the discomfort of that, because it is not easy. These aren't small things, but the importance of the lesson still doesn't give us control over when our kid learns it.
And of all of the hard things I've discovered about this stage of motherhood, I think this is the hardest lesson for us. We care so much. In fact, we've dedicated our lives to make our kids safe, happy, and moving in the right direction.
And we love them so much, of course we want to stay connected to them. So we do everything in our power to help encourage them and help them get it. And still, there are times when they just don't get it.
At least, not yet. And my friend, that doesn't necessarily mean you chose the wrong boundary. It may just mean that whatever lesson you're trying to teach, whatever goal you're hoping to help your kid achieve, they're not ready to learn it or achieve it yet.
And this is why so often, setting a boundary with your big kid feels uncomfortable no matter what boundary you choose. And I think this is so important to understand because so many of us unconsciously use this discomfort as evidence that we made the wrong decision. If my kid is angry at me, maybe I did it wrong.
Maybe I was too harsh. Maybe I missed something. If I feel guilty, maybe I shouldn't have said no.
If I'm worried they're pulling away, maybe I really should soften this boundary. But then we soften it, and we don't feel better at all. Now we feel resentful, or taken advantage of, or worried that we're enabling them.
So we end up bouncing back and forth, looking for the choice that will finally make us feel better. And sometimes, that choice just doesn't exist right now. Sometimes saying no feels bad, and saying yes also feels bad.
Notice how holding the boundary creates one kind of discomfort, and letting it go creates another. That doesn't mean there isn't a thoughtful decision available to you. It just means that feeling uncomfortable is not a reliable measure of whether or not you got the boundary right.
At this stage of parenting, our work is changing. When our kids were little, so much of our focus was on managing their behavior. Now, more and more, the work becomes learning how to manage our own discomfort, while our kids, quite frankly, have the freedom to make choices that we don't agree with.
And that is such a different job than the one we had when they were little. Back then, so much of parenting was about shaping behavior, teaching, correcting, enforcing, helping them practice making good choices. But as our kids get older, there comes a point where we can no longer make the choice for them.
We can influence and advise, and we can also be clear about what we will and won't support. But we cannot make them want what we want for them. This is so hard, but it doesn't mean that you're doing the stage of parenting wrong.
What it really means is this discomfort is something you need to work through yourself. Because relying on your kids' compliance to do it for you, that is never going to be a reliable source of relief. So my friend, here is the work.
Instead of asking yourself, how do I get my kid to make the choice I think is best, more and more the question becomes, how do I stay grounded when they don't make that choice? How do I tolerate the fear and the disappointment? What do I do with that urge to jump in and fix it for them? And how do I let go of the guilt that tells me I should be doing more? How do I navigate letting my kid be independent and make their own choices without turning every choice I disagree with into evidence that I'm failing as a mom? This, my friend, is what it means to let go in this stage of motherhood. It's certainly not caring less. And it's not even saying, good luck, kid, you're on your own.
The opportunity here is for you to learn how to be in the discomfort of loving someone more than anything else in the world, but also someone whose life you no longer get to control. Again, I want to be clear that this does not mean we stop having limits, but we do need to realize that the purpose of a boundary is not to control your kid. The purpose of a boundary is to help you get clear.
What are you willing to do or support or pay for? What are you willing to participate in or to be around? Clarity around these decisions actually can make you feel a whole lot better, but it still doesn't guarantee that your kid is going to change in the way you want them to. And just notice the power in that distinction. You can make a decision that you believe is right without needing your kid's behavior to prove that it was right.
You don't have to wait for them to agree or comply or suddenly become more responsible. You get to decide what feels aligned for you. And sometimes you're going to have to keep making those decisions over and over again.
But the real work is learning how to trust yourself to stand by your decisions and have your own back. And again, let me be clear that this is hard work, because it's one thing to decide what feels right for you when you're sitting alone in your kitchen thinking about it. But it's another thing entirely when your kid is angry with you about it or continuing to make the exact choice you were hoping the boundary would help them stop making.
That's when our self-trust can get shaky. We immediately go to second-guessing ourselves. But building this self-trust is exactly the kind of work we do inside my mom 2.0 coaching programs.
As a coach, I'm never going to tell you how to parent. In fact, my philosophy is that there are no perfect boundaries. And in fact, as a mom, you know in your heart what you want to do and who you want to be.
It's not that you don't understand what boundaries might be needed. But what I can help you with is trusting yourself to make those decisions and then trusting yourself even in those moments when your big kid pushes back or totally ignores you. Mom 2.0 will empower you to stop looking outside of yourself for proof that you're doing all of this right.
Because my friend, no matter what's going on with your kid, you are ultimately the only one who has the power to decide if you're a good mom. I'm willing to bet that you wake up every single day of your life wanting to do your best. But so often, we don't give ourselves credit for that.
But what if you start there? Because setting boundaries is hard enough, but it's even harder when you're waiting for the boundary to change your kid before you can believe that you're a good mom. If you're ready to trust that version of you, who you already know you want to be, you can learn more about Mom 2.0 through the link in the show notes. What I found is that the work of this whole stage of motherhood is truly learning how to stay connected to yourself while you figure out who you want to be as you let your big kid go through the often messy process of becoming who they are meant to be.
We often have no idea how our boundaries are going to land, but you can trust yourself enough to keep showing up with love even when you can't control how their story unfolds. And I truly believe that there is power in that, my friend. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
