“I FEEL LIKE THE BAD GUY WHEN I SAY NO”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 280
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
Have you ever made a decision or set a boundary with your big kid? It could be your teen or your college kid, maybe even your adult child. You say no, or you draw the line about something, and you know before the words are even out of your mouth that you're about to become the bad guy. Maybe your kid is 12, and you're saying no to the phone, or they're 17, and you're saying no to the party.
It could be 20, and you're saying, I'm not going to keep paying for this. Or they're living back at home as an adult, and you're trying to decide what you can realistically expect from them. The details change as our kids get older, but the feeling can be exactly the same.
You're trying to make a thoughtful decision about how to approach parenting in this stage that your kid's in. You're trying to protect them or guide them, trying to hold them accountable. And yet, they're looking at you like you're the problem.
Let's take a look at one of those moments. Say it's a Friday afternoon. Maybe you're standing in the kitchen trying to figure out dinner, unloading the dishwasher.
And your kid walks in, and they ask you for something. Let's just say, for the sake of this example, that it's a teen, and they walk in, and they say, can I go to a party tonight? Now, they ask this like it's a simple yes or no question. But you're a mom, so of course you have questions.
Whose party is it? Are the parents going to be home? How are you getting there? And how are you getting home? And then there's the question you really want to know the answer to, which is, is there going to be drinking? And they give you that look. They probably shrug their shoulders, and they say, I don't know. Or maybe they say, Mom, seriously? And none of those are actually an answer.
So you tell them you need more information. Maybe you say you want to text the parents. You want to know who's driving.
Maybe something about the whole situation just doesn't feel right to you. And that's when you get the eye roll. They throw their hands in the air, and they say, Mom, everyone's allowed to go.
Or, none of the other parents care. And now, you're feeling the weight and comparison of every other mom in town. And apparently, they're all more relaxed than you are.
Do they actually trust their kids more than you do? Or are they just more realistic? You imagine they would say, well, teenagers are going to be teenagers. But in your kid's mind, you're the one asking questions and making life difficult. You are the bad guy.
Or maybe your kid's younger. For you, it's not the party. Instead, you're dealing with boundaries around the cell phone.
Maybe your kid's the only one who doesn't have one yet. Or they're the only one who has to turn it in at night before bed. Maybe your kid's the only one who isn't allowed on social media, or who seems to have any limits on how much they can use it.
And let's face it, even those limits are a battle. You feel like you're constantly being bombarded by your kid with things like, mom, everyone else has Snapchat. Or everyone else gets to keep their phone in their room.
And then, as your kid gets older, the issues get bigger. It's drinking, vaping, weed, dating, sex, driving, money. Maybe it's your adult kid living at home, and you're trying to decide what you can reasonably ask them to do.
Is it reasonable for me to ask them what their timeline is for moving out? Can I expect them to have a certain amount of accountability around the house to help out with household chores? The issues change, but the feeling is the same. You're trying to do the right thing. You're trying to keep your kid safe, to teach them responsibility.
And you're trying to make a decision that you can actually live with, that reflects your values and your comfort level. But somehow, no matter how thoughtfully you try to approach your boundaries, you just end up feeling guilty and frustrated. Because your kid is angry.
And sometimes it's because they say other parents aren't as strict. Other times, it's just what your kid has come to expect from you, and you're starting to feel like you're being taken advantage of. The truth is, setting boundaries is hard because it seems to create tension.
And there could be a part of you that's terrified that holding the line is going to cost you the relationship you want with your child. Now, you may tell yourself that you're the parent, you're not supposed to be their friend, and that they don't have to like every decision you make. And yes, intellectually, you know that's true.
But when your kid looks at you like you're being totally unreasonable, or when they call you controlling, or tell you you're making their life miserable, it hurts. You love them. You want a strong relationship with them.
And you really wish they could understand that you're not setting these boundaries to be mean or difficult. It is in their best interest. And yet, you can feel like setting these boundaries is just pushing them further away.
So as you navigate these boundaries, you feel like you're not just trying to decide what's the right decision here. You start questioning whether you're being too strict, or if it's even worth the fight. When it comes to drinking or drugs, you can feel especially powerless because you know that once they walk out the door, they can still choose to do it, even after you've told them no.
To be honest, you can also feel a little resentful of the other parents. If we could all just get on the same page about how to handle these complicated parenting boundaries, then we wouldn't have to feel like we were the only one holding the line and saying no. You can't help but think, I hate feeling like the bad guy.
And I think this is where it gets really interesting because when you say, I hate feeling like the bad guy, it sounds like the problem is that your kid is upset with you. But I actually don't think that's the whole problem. The deeper problem is actually what you make their anger mean.
Your kid rolls their eyes or they storm out of the room, they stop talking to you or tell you you're controlling, and we immediately start questioning ourselves. Maybe I am being too strict. Maybe I should trust them more.
Or maybe this boundary is doing more harm than good. It's like your kid's reaction becomes evidence that you've made the wrong decision. If you really think about it, there's a part of us that believes if we were handling parenting well, our kids would understand where we were coming from.
They might not love our boundaries, but surely they would see that we were setting them because we care and have their best interest at heart. Maybe they could even recognize that we have more life experience and that maybe, just maybe, we can see something coming that they can't see yet. Wouldn't that be nice? You set a boundary and your kid says, you know what, mom? I'm disappointed, but I really respect the thoughtful way you're approaching this.
Thank you for caring enough to hold me accountable. Could you imagine? I'm guessing you can't because that's not usually how it goes. Instead, they tell you that you're unfair or unreasonable.
They accuse you of not trusting them. They compare you to all these real or imagined parents that seem to let their kid do whatever they want. And sometimes they don't just disagree with the decision.
They make it personal. You always do this. You never listen.
You're the reason I can't have a normal life. And look, decisions around what boundaries to set are already complicated. So when you already feel uncertain about what the right answer is, those words go to a vulnerable place.
And not only that, but you're not just worried about whether your boundary is right. You're also worried about what it's doing to your relationship. You worry that your rules might make them stop talking to you or that they might start hiding things.
Moms have told me they can already see that their kid spends more time at their friends' houses. And their perception is that it's because the other parents let them do whatever they want. And for the mom of an older kid, maybe the fear is even bigger.
You worry they won't come home as much or when they finally do leave home that they'll cut off a relationship with you. The problem often in our minds is that it's not just that we don't like being the bad guy today. The real fear is that we're putting the entire relationship at risk.
And here's what I want you to notice. Your kid being unhappy with your boundary and your boundary being wrong are not the same thing. Also, your kid being angry with you and your relationship being damaged are also not the same thing.
But I get it that in the moment, they can feel exactly the same. Because so often we use our kid's reactions as the measure of whether we're doing a good job. And we might not recognize it.
But just consider how often you feel more connected when your kid is happy with you. Or how when they're talking to you, you feel like you're doing something right. But then when they're angry or distant, we question ourselves or question the relationship.
Now, I do want to say that this doesn't mean that we just ignore our kid's reactions. Sometimes you do just have to let them be angry. But other times, their reactions can give you useful information.
For example, maybe we do really need to re-evaluate our rules. Our kids are constantly growing and reaching for more independence. And sometimes our rules or honestly our comfort with how much independence they're ready for don't evolve as quickly as they do.
Another challenge I see so often is that we think our boundaries are going to control our kid's behavior. We tell ourselves, if I set the right rule or create the right consequence or say this in exactly the right way, then my kid will make the choice I want them to make. They'll get off the phone.
They won't drink or vape. That they'll take school more seriously or they'll go look for a job. And of course, it makes sense that we want those things.
We want our kids to make choices that support their well-being. We want them to be responsible and move forward in their lives. But your boundaries actually can't guarantee any of that.
A boundary can define what you are willing to allow or to provide or continue doing. Your boundaries also can clarify what you'll do if your kid keeps doing a certain thing. But your boundaries cannot force your kid to change or agree with you.
Drinking is such a clear example of this. You can tell your teen they're not allowed to drink and you can decide that alcohol is not allowed in your home. You can also refuse to let them attend a party when you know drinking won't be happening.
And you can certainly create consequences if you find out they've been drinking. Those are all decisions you have the power to make. But once your kid walks out that door, you cannot guarantee that they won't drink.
You also can't control what another parent allows in their home. And you can't make your kid agree that your rule is reasonable. That doesn't mean the boundary is pointless.
It just means we need to be honest with ourselves about what the boundary actually can accomplish. It can communicate your values. It can define what you will allow or participate in.
And it can create consequences within your control. But it cannot eliminate every opportunity your kid has to make a choice you don't want them to make. And this is really important to understand.
Because when we expect a boundary to control our kid's behavior, we will almost always feel like the boundary is failing if they don't comply. So sometimes we need to evaluate a boundary based on the stage of life our kid is in. Other times, we need to take an honest look at the limits of our power and ask whether the boundary is focused on something we can actually control.
And then there's one more place that I think is really valuable to look. Because sometimes the boundary itself is completely reasonable. And you may have many valid reasons for setting it.
But underneath those reasons, there may be another outcome you're hoping the boundary will create. Here's an example around phones. I often hear moms talk about the boundaries they want to set with their kid's use of their phone or social media.
And we all know there are many valid reasons why limits on phone use for all of us is a good idea. But at the same time, what I'll often hear is that what these moms really want is for their kid to stop using the phone and come spend time with the family. Their hope is that the kid will use the phone less and connect with them more.
And of course, this makes so much sense. Except the challenge is, you can limit your kid's access to the phone, but you can't make your kid want to connect with you instead. So what happens is you set the limit on the phone and then they don't connect with you or they just seem angry with you.
And again, you feel like the boundary didn't work. Except when you really think about it, setting a boundary around cell phone limits doesn't guarantee you're going to create the connection you're hoping for. Those are two separate goals.
The same conflict can happen in our lives with older kids. The classic example is the adult child living at home, not looking for a job. You see them sleeping late, playing video games.
They sometimes talk about what they're going to do, but they don't seem to be taking any meaningful action forward. So you start checking in, maybe nagging, trying to think through what are the rules and consequences here? Maybe you tell them they have to apply to a certain number of jobs every week. Maybe you've threatened to stop paying for things.
And some of those things could be completely appropriate boundaries. You get to decide how much money you're going to give your kid. And that's actually a limit you have the power to enforce.
But the truth is, what we're really hoping the boundary will do is light a fire under our kids' butts to get them a little more motivated. And sometimes that works. But the truth is, it only works because your kid decides to be motivated.
Look, an immediate consequence might get your kid to fill out a job application, but it can't make them care about that job or make them know what they want to do with their life. This is where so many of us get caught in power struggles and feeling like we're failing. We think that if we can set the right boundaries, we can get our kid to change.
So when they don't change, we tighten the boundaries or add another consequence or give another lecture. And every time it doesn't work, you feel more powerless and more frustrated. But the truth is, your boundary may be working perfectly in the sense that it clearly defines what you're willing to allow, pay for, or participate in.
The problem is, to put it bluntly, the boundary just isn't controlling your kid in the way you hoped it would. And my friend, welcome to the club. Here's the thing, when the real purpose of the boundary is to make your kid behave differently, your peace becomes dependent on whether they cooperate.
If they do what you want, you feel relieved. If they resist or push back, you feel powerless. If they get angry, you question yourself.
And if they continue making the same choices, you assume you either need to become stricter or give up entirely. It feels like a lose-lose situation. So before you decide what boundary to set, I think it helps to pause and ask yourself a few honest questions.
What am I actually trying to accomplish here? And is that outcome actually within my control? You might also ask, am I setting this boundary to protect my time, my money, my home, or my well-being? Or am I using the boundary to try to change how my kid thinks, feels, or behaves? And actually, this might be the most powerful question you can ask yourself. If my kid doesn't change, is this still a boundary I'm willing to hold? Because truly consider that the most effective boundary isn't something that you only set with the hope that your kid will respond in the way that you want. It truly needs to be a decision about what you are willing to do or what you're no longer willing to do, even when they don't do what you want.
My friend, it is no fun feeling like the bad guy. You love your kid and you want to protect your relationship with them. You're also not trying to be controlling.
I know that you're setting this boundary because you care. But the hard truth is that sometimes your kid won't see it that way. And the question is, what are you going to make that mean? Are you going to make their anger mean you chose the wrong boundary? Or can you allow your kid to have their reaction while you stay curious about your own decision? In this stage of parenting, there are truly no easy answers.
We think confidence means feeling completely certain. We think we'll know the boundary is right because we'll feel calm and our kid will understand and everything will go smoothly, exactly as we hope it will. Sometimes confidence sounds like not knowing with absolute certainty that this is the perfect decision, but fully understanding your reasons and having your back about them.
And my friend, this is hard work because these questions don't come up only one time. Today, it might be the phone. Tomorrow, it's the party.
Then it's college and money and work and drinking and relationships or an adult child who's struggling to move forward. The circumstances keep changing and every new stage can bring up a new version of the same fear. What if I get this wrong? What if I push too hard? Or I don't do enough? Or what if holding this boundary pushes my kid away? Creating the confidence to set boundaries and have your back about it is the kind of work we do inside of The Mom 2.0 Collective.
It's a 10-week group coaching program for moms navigating life with teens and adult kids. We take the situations that are actually happening in your life, the phone battles, the lack of motivation, the drinking and disrespect, the worries about college or the adult child living at home. We look at all of this and what's really making these situations feel so difficult.
Because so often, the problem isn't simply that we don't know what to say or what boundary to set. It's that we're trying to make these decisions while we're carrying fear, guilt, resentment, self-doubt, and the belief that our kids' choices determine whether we're doing a good job. Inside Mom 2.0 Collective, you'll learn how to set and communicate boundaries without getting pulled into power struggles.
And you'll learn how to manage your own emotions so that your kids' anger or disappointment doesn't derail you. And you'll do all of this alongside other moms who are navigating many of the same challenges. The goal of this program is truly to empower you to become calmer, more confident, and more intentional in the way you respond, even when your kid is struggling or when they disagree with you, and especially when you can't control the outcome.
To learn more about Mom 2.0 Collective, check out the link in the show notes. My friend, the next time you hear yourself thinking, I hate feeling like the bad guy, just pause. Your kid's anger does not automatically mean the boundary is wrong, but it may be an invitation to look again, to consider their age, what you can truly control, and what you're hoping the boundary will accomplish.
Maybe the boundary still matters and your work is to hold it without making their disappointment mean you're failing. Or maybe the boundary does mean to change, not because you give in, but because you were willing to grow alongside of your child. Either way, being a good mom is not always about holding the line.
It's about having the courage to look honestly, listen carefully, and then trust yourself enough to know whether this is the moment to hold the line or let it go. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
