"MAYBE I'VE DONE TOO MUCH FOR MY KID”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 272
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
Do you ever have one of those days with your big kid? Maybe your teen decides to go out to a party, but they don't drive yet, so you have to stay up to drive them. You tell them you'll pick them up at midnight, which is already way past your bedtime, but you want them to be able to hang out with their friends, so you make it happen. You have a cup of coffee, and you wait out, and you get there.
Then you wait outside for 20 minutes before they finally make it out. They get in the car, and they're immediately on their phone. They barely say a word to you, and all you can think is, you're welcome that I stayed up all night so you could go out.
Or maybe during the school year, your son's away at college. You see his name come up on your phone, and you're excited at first because you haven't heard from him in a few days. So you excitedly answer, only to hear, hey, mom, can you Venmo me a hundred bucks? I forgot I have to pay for something tonight.
You say, sure. Then you ask how classes are going. You try to keep the conversation going for another minute or two.
But before long, he says, mom, I've got to run. And you hang up feeling empty and a little like you've just been used. You wonder if he would have called at all if you didn't need something.
Or maybe your 26-year-old daughter is perfectly capable of doing things for herself, but somehow you're still the first person she calls to help her work through things. She needs help figuring out her insurance, or she needs someone to pick up her prescription for her because she's working. Maybe she forgot to renew her registration on her car.
Or she's running late, and she asks you if you'll come over and wait at her house for the plumber. So you say yes, again. Then later that night, when she cancels dinner because something came up, you feel a little hurt.
It's not that you mind helping, and it's not like you're doing it so she'll spend time with you. But you also feel like you drop everything for her, but she only seems to want to spend time with you when it's on her terms. Different ages and stages, totally different circumstances.
But behind all of these is a question we can find ourselves asking. How did we get here? When did it become an expectation that I'd rearrange my schedule to pick up the prescription, or to send the money, or to stay up late so you could go out? Basically, to drop everything. It's that feeling of being treated like the cook, the maid, the Uber driver, the ATM, and wondering if your kid even notices.
And if you're really honest, you can feel resentful. And not even just toward your child. You feel resentful toward yourself.
Because you're wondering, did I do this? Have I made myself too available? Or have I spent so many years saying yes, that now they simply expect it? On the one hand, you love your kid. And you help because you want to help. And there might even be a part of you that loves taking care of them and feeling needed.
But at the same time, you can also worry that you've somehow taught them that your time and energy, or your needs, always come second. When clients have come to me with this experience, what they'll tell me is that they worry that maybe I've done too much for my kid. And here's what's really interesting.
They're not actually saying that they wish they didn't do things for their kids. I mean, very few of them are actually upset about having to drive their teen home from a party, or Venmoing their kid a hundred bucks, or even helping their adult daughter navigate life. Those things by themselves usually aren't the problem.
The pain and the frustration comes from what those moments represent to us. It's actually interesting because it's not even necessarily about our kids' lack of appreciation. It's more about their expectation.
Like they expect us to just drop everything for them. And when that happens, when we notice this, it's so easy for our brains to make the leap to I've created this, I've let this happen. Essentially, I've taught them to take me for granted.
And this, my friend, is the part we're ashamed to admit. Because if it's our fault, if we've created this dynamic in our relationship with our kids, then maybe we've failed in some way. Maybe we've raised someone who expects the world to revolve around them.
And here's why I think this hits us so deeply. For most of us, for so much of our experience of motherhood, helping our kids hasn't typically felt like a burden. I mean, let's face it.
There are always tough days in motherhood. But by and large, when your kids are little, being a mom and feeling needed by your kid has been one of the greatest privileges of our lives. Our kids couldn't survive without us when they were little.
We fed them, protected them, taught them, anticipated needs before they even knew they had them. And for years, that's exactly what being a good parent looked like. So it makes so much sense that helping our kids became part of who we are as moms.
The challenge is that as your child grows up and your role begins to change, they just don't need you in the same ways. But because you've spent years responding to their needs and jumping into help, that's still what our brains can default to. You see a problem and before you even think about it, you're asking, how can I fix this? How can I step in and help? Make it easier.
You see your daughter is overwhelmed, though you offer to help. Your son mentions he's low on money and you immediately send it. Your teen needs a ride.
And before you even consider if it's something you're willing to do, you've rearranged your night to accommodate them. And none of those choices are inherently a problem. But I think as moms, we can reach a point where we ask ourselves, when does helping become too much helping? Or maybe better said, when do our help and support start enabling our kids not to take responsibility for their own lives or enabling them to take other people, particularly us, for granted? And how do we know the difference? Is it about how often we say yes? Or is it about how old our kid is? Should the marker be whether or not they could actually do the things themselves realistically? Now, you might be hearing this and thinking, Jennifer, I hear what you're saying, but the real problem is actually how my kid acts.
I mean, if my kid were grateful and respectful and appreciative, I wouldn't feel this way. I wouldn't feel so frustrated and resentful. And you might be right to a point.
I mean, of course, it's easier to keep helping someone who says thank you. And of course, you'd prefer it if your kid was appreciative. But here's what I've noticed after coaching hundreds of moms.
I've coached some moms whose kids are actually appreciative and they still struggle to stop over-helping and over-functioning for their kids. And I've also coached moms whose kids rarely acknowledge anything they do and they don't feel resentful at all. The difference isn't simply what the kid is doing.
It's truly in what the mom's mind is making that behavior mean. For example, one mom might think, you know what, teenagers are just self-absorbed. And so she might not hold anything against her kid when they forget to say thank you.
But yet another mom might think, she expects me to do everything. I've created this. My daughter doesn't value everything I do for her.
It could be the same circumstance of a kid not saying thank you, but a completely different emotional experience based on what the mom is thinking. And here's why this matters. Because if you believe your resentment is being caused entirely by your kid's behavior, then the only solution is for your kid to change, that they need to become more grateful or more responsible or more considerate, maybe more independent.
So you find yourself trying to teach those things. You remind them to say thank you. Or you point out everything you do for them.
You find yourself lecturing, explaining how they should act. And you hope that this conversation will finally be the one that helps them see. But if you've ever tried this, you already know what usually happens.
Your kid gets defensive. Or they just roll their eyes at you. They tell you you're making a big deal out of nothing.
Or maybe even worse, they say thank you, but only because you asked them to. And somehow that doesn't feel any better either. And I want to pause here because I don't want to dismiss that it does hurt when your relationship with your kid starts to feel transactional.
When the phone only rings because they need something. Or when you rearrange your day to help your kid and there isn't even a moment of curiosity about how you're doing. Or when it feels like they're more than happy to receive your help, but they don't even really see you as you're giving it.
My friend, I know that that hurts. But the thing is, when you try to help them see this and nothing changes, after a while, your mind offers another solution. And that is, maybe I need to just stop doing so much.
Maybe if I stop rescuing them, they'll learn to be more responsible. Maybe if I stop saying yes, they'll finally appreciate everything I'll be doing. Because where our mind goes is that we think, well, maybe if they experience what it's like without my help, then they'll finally realize everything I do.
In other words, we're hoping that if we stop giving so much, then maybe they'll finally become appreciative of our help. But then, not helping doesn't feel great either. Because helping your child was never actually the problem.
In fact, for many of us, it's one of the ways we've expressed our love for our kids. So now we're caught in this impossible place. You don't want to keep showing up the way you have in the past because you're beginning to feel resentful.
But you also don't want to become someone who's constantly saying no or keeping score. So you're left wondering, so what am I supposed to do here? And here's where I think we get stuck. And the reason is because we're asking ourselves the wrong question.
We're essentially asking, am I doing too much? As if there's a perfect amount of helping. Like if I do one more favor, I've somehow crossed the line into over helping. Or if I say no this many times, now I'm setting healthy boundaries.
But my friend, what's really interesting to consider is that our resentment isn't being caused by how much we decide to do or how much our kid asks for help. Because the exact same action on our part can come from two completely different places. Now, just imagine that your daughter calls and asks if you'll watch the grandkids because her childcare fell through.
And this is just an illustration of how long these issues can persist if we don't truly start taking responsibility for them now. So in this situation, it's about how our kids might continue to ask us for help well beyond the time when they leave the nest. So this daughter asks you for help.
She wants you to watch the grandkids. Her childcare fell through. One mom might say yes because she genuinely wants to.
She stops and she checks in with herself. She realizes, you know what, I have the time, I have the energy, and I actually want to spend the day with my grandkids. That mom is going to say yes and she's going to enjoy the experience.
But another mom might say yes because she doesn't feel like she can say no. She might even already have plans, but she feels guilty even considering disappointing her daughter. Maybe she's afraid her daughter will be angry if she says no.
Or maybe she just feels this sense of obligation that she has to say yes. So this mom rearranges her schedule and says yes, but then spends the entire day feeling resentful and put upon. Now, here are two moms saying yes to the exact same request.
And on the outside, their behavior looks identical. But internally, they're having two completely different experiences. One mom is giving from a place of internal alignment.
She's very clear with herself about what she will and will not do. And the other is giving from obligation. The first expects nothing in return, but the second may not even consciously realize it.
But a part of her is hoping this act of love will somehow be seen, appreciated, or maybe even reciprocated. We can think that the problem is that our kids ask too much or that they don't appreciate enough. But often the deeper problem is that we've stopped asking ourselves a much more important question.
What do I really want to do here? For so many years, we've trained ourselves to stand for everyone else's needs first. What does my kid need? What would make this easier for them? How can I help? And those aren't bad questions. The problem is at some point, we stopped asking what am I willing to give? There is a huge difference between helping because you choose to and helping because you feel like you have to.
One empowers you to feel generous and loving, even when your kid doesn't acknowledge you at all. But the other becomes transactional. And not because your kid has made it transactional, but because a part of your heart is longing for something very human to feel seen and valued.
Resentment is such an interesting emotion because our brains immediately want to blame the other person for it. Well, if she didn't ask so much of me, or if he were just more appreciative, if they could just be more responsible. But the resentment is often a signal that we miss.
It's not a signal that someone else has done something wrong necessarily, but it's more that we've crossed one of our own boundaries without even realizing it. And what's so interesting is that I think that there's a valid reason we do this. We think that if we model generosity, our kid will learn to be generous.
That if I put other people first, then they'll learn to think about other people too. Or if I sacrifice for them, then they'll grow up appreciating sacrifice. And with our kids, I think we also think that if we keep showing up, that eventually they'll understand everything we've done for them.
And look, there is obviously nothing wrong with wanting to model these values. And even more, there's nothing wrong with hoping that these values will translate into raising kind, thoughtful, appreciative adults. Of course you want this.
In fact, it absolutely feels like that's a big part of our job as parents. The problem is our brains turn those hopes into expectations. Because now every time your kid forgets to say thank you, or they expect you to rearrange your schedule, or they just seem oblivious to everything you've done, it doesn't just feel like they're being inconsiderate.
It feels like everything I've been trying to teach them isn't working. Now you're not just disappointed in that moment. You're questioning 20 years of your parenting.
And here's what's fascinating. Your child may very well grow into an incredibly generous, thoughtful adult, but not because they perfectly reflect those values back to you at age 16, or 20, or even 26. Our brains want immediate evidence that our parenting is working, but the challenge is our kids don't develop into people we hope they'll be on our timeline.
The more I coach moms through this, the more I realize we're asking our children to give us something that they are not actually responsible for giving us. Think about what happens every time your child forgets to say thank you. Your brain doesn't just register my kid forgot to say two words.
It goes to, they don't appreciate everything I've done for them. They've learned nothing. And even to, I've failed.
And my friend, that's a lot of weight to put on one forgotten thank you, even 10 forgotten thank yous, because now your child's behavior isn't just about this moment, or even this phase of their development. Now it's become evidence that your parenting isn't working, that your sacrifices didn't matter, and even that maybe they aren't becoming the kind, thoughtful, responsible adults you've spent years trying to raise. And when we start seeing our kids' behavior as evidence instead of simply information, this can actually impact the relationship we have with them, because we stop responding to what's actually happening, and instead react to the story we're telling ourselves about what it all means.
A forgotten thank you is proof that they're selfish. Another request for help is just confirmation that they expect you to drop everything. That messy room is evidence that they're not responsible.
Before long, we start looking at our kids through the lens of everything we fear instead of the lens of who they actually are right now. And my friend, that is a painful place to be for both of you, because your child can feel the difference. They don't just hear you asking them to say thank you, or to pick up after themselves.
They feel your disappointment behind it, and they can feel like they're constantly being measured and evaluated, but also constantly falling short. And then ironically, the very thing you're hoping for, which is more connection, and more appreciation, and maybe even more influence in their life, often becomes harder to create because your child feels like every interaction has become another test that they can't pass. So where does all of this leave us? If you've been listening to this episode, hoping I'll tell you how to finally get your kid to appreciate everything you do, I'm truly sorry to disappoint you.
Because unfortunately, I think what you've already realized is that there is no way to force your kid to be more appreciative in this moment. So the real question becomes, who do you want to be in this relationship right now? Who do you want to be when your teen forgets to say thank you? Or when your college kid calls because they need money? Or when your adult daughter asks for yet another favor? Do you want to be someone who says yes because you're afraid not to? Or someone who says no because you're hoping to teach them a lesson? Or do you want to be someone who can genuinely stop, check in with herself, and decide intentionally, not based on guilt or resentment, or even on what she's hoping her child will finally learn, but simply based on who you want to be? Because here's what I know, you can absolutely continue helping your child. And you can absolutely set boundaries.
You can also continue to model respect and responsibility. But all of this becomes so much more powerful and even so much more enjoyable when it comes from a place of choice and intention instead of obligation. So the next time your big kid asks you for something, before you answer them, just pause and ask this question.
If I weren't trying to prove anything, if I weren't trying to teach them a lesson, or if I wasn't hoping this would finally make them appreciate me, what would I genuinely want to do here? Who do you want to be in this relationship right now? My friend, if you're listening to this and realizing you've spent years living on autopilot, automatically saying yes, and also feeling resentful and starting to wonder why your relationship feels so one-sided, I want you to know something. This doesn't mean that you've failed or that you've raised an entitled child. And it certainly doesn't mean you have to stop being the generous, loving mom you've always been.
It simply means you've reached a point where the way you've always shown love is no longer serving either of you. Making intentional decisions about who you want to be is exactly the kind of work we do inside My Mom 2.0 coaching programs. This isn't about teaching your kid a lesson.
Or getting them to be more appreciative. The most important work that you can do is to reconnect with yourself and understand your own mind so that you can let go of the guilt and the resentment and the invisible expectations you've been carrying for years. And when you do this, every yes and every no comes from a place of peace instead of pressure or obligation.
And this, my friend, is what changes relationships. It's not waiting for your kid to become someone different, but becoming the version of yourself who no longer needs your child's behavior to tell you whether you're doing motherhood right. You can learn more about Mom 2.0 through the link in the show notes.
My friend, maybe the question isn't have I done too much for my child? Maybe the better question is am I saying yes because it aligns with the kind of mom I want to be? Or is it because I'm hoping it will finally create the relationship I wish we had? Because those are two very different things. My friend, I know how much you want your child to grow into an appreciative, responsible adult. And it would be so amazing if our child would become someone who just calls to ask how we're doing.
I totally know that a big part of you hopes that they'll look back someday and realize everything you did for them. My friend, I wish this for all of us. But while you're waiting for that day, don't make your big kid's gratitude the only evidence that your love matters.
Because it matters so much. And you can give yourself that recognition right now. You don't have to wait for it.
So this week, before your next yes, or even your next no, before you rearrange your schedule or automatically jump in to solve the problem, just pause and ask yourself, who do I want to be in this relationship right now? Because the answer to that question will shape your relationship with your child far more than whether or not you say yes or no.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
