“I DON'T FEEL LIKE MYSELF”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 268
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from.
Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in. Hello, my friend.
I just don't feel like myself. A client said that to me the other day. Actually, she started by saying, I don't know, I just feel kind of meh.
And I laughed because meh is almost onomatopoeia. It sounds like exactly what it feels like. Not terrible, just off.
Listless. Not happy. And we're often not really sure what to do about it.
When I felt this way in my life, it's almost like nothing is really wrong, but nothing feels really right either. You're just going through the motions of your life, but you don't really feel excited about it. And the worst part is often you don't even necessarily know what's wrong.
You just don't feel like yourself. And I think this is one of those experiences that can happen at any stage of life. Like when your kids are little and you're exhausted.
It also happens when you're in the thick of raising teens, and you feel weighed down by carrying the weight of everyone's moods and all the responsibilities of managing everything for everyone. Or you can start to feel it in that space when you're starting to see that they just don't need you as much as they used to anymore. And this feeling can definitely come up when your kids do leave home, and all of a sudden you have a lot more time on your hands.
And somehow that extra time for yourself doesn't automatically make you happier. Isn't that interesting? We spend years believing if I just had more time, and then we finally get more time, and we still don't feel like ourselves. And here's what I find fascinating.
The moment we notice that we don't feel like ourselves, our brain immediately starts looking for a reason. We start trying to diagnose ourselves or our life. Maybe it's hormones or menopause.
We talk about my anxiety or some other diagnosis that we haven't gotten to the bottom of yet. We're also often very good at identifying things that are happening around us that might be contributing to us not feeling like ourselves. My kids are stressing me out.
Our work has been crazy. My marriage feels different. I have so much to do.
Or maybe I don't have enough to do. We can quickly point to all these circumstances in our lives that seem like they should explain why we feel the way that we do. But we rarely stop to ask, what is this feeling actually telling me about me? Not what's wrong with me or what needs fixing, but what might I need? Because those are actually very different ways of looking at the problem.
One framework that I've found incredibly helpful over the years is Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I've actually talked about this before on the podcast in the context of our kids and what we want for them. It's interesting to notice that the things we hope for our kids are remarkably universal.
We want them to be healthy. We want them to have people that they can count on. We want them to feel like they belong.
We want them to discover what they're good at and what they care about. And ultimately, we want them to create a meaningful life. Whether we realize it or not, we're constantly evaluating our kids through the lens of whether or not they've achieved this hierarchy of needs.
But as much as we focus on these needs for our kids, we spend much less mental energy focusing on these same needs for ourselves. In truth, I think so many of us moms put ourselves on the back burner. We're so focused on meeting everyone else's needs that we stop even noticing our own.
And to be honest, what I've seen so often when coaching moms is that because we've been out of touch with our needs for so long, when we're faced with the realization that something's off, we're not even sure where to start beyond returning our focus to our kids and what needs to be fixed there. So I thought I'd use this space to look at this framework, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, and turn our attention to our own needs as moms and as women embarking on the second half of our lives. And let's explore this from the perspective that not feeling like yourself might not be a big problem to solve, but more an opportunity to check in and see if one of your core human needs hasn't been getting the attention it deserves.
And just imagine that if you can identify which need that is, then you can stop trying to fix your entire life and turn your attention to simply filling that unmet need. So let's start at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid, where he stacks each of our human needs on top of the other. At the bottom of the pyramid are our most basic physical needs, things like food, water, rest, and sleep.
Now, for most of us listening to this podcast, we're fortunate enough that we're not worrying about where our next meal is coming from or whether we have a roof over our heads. And if you've ever faced these kinds of challenges, it is exceptionally difficult to worry about any needs beyond that until those needs are met. But there is one basic need that I think many women in midlife struggle with, and that's getting enough sleep.
Could it be menopause? Absolutely. But it's also the waiting up for the kids going out late or just being up late and making noise in the house, especially in the summer when everyone's back home. The comings and goings of everyone at all hours of the day.
You can feel like you wake up every 30 minutes or that you just wake up every night at 2 a.m. and can't fall back asleep. So then, of course, the next day you feel foggy, often not as patient or energetic, obviously not quite feeling like your best self. And the problem is it's often not just one night, but months of nights or years of nights.
So if you've been struggling with getting enough sleep, I wouldn't underestimate the impact that that can have on your nervous system and general well-being. And look, at the risk of sounding like one of those Instagram posts giving midlife advice, for sure, prioritize sleep where you can. But I also imagine that you've already tried.
It's not like you're wanting to be up at all hours of the night. So the issue isn't that you're not prioritizing sleep. The question is really why you're still awake in the middle of the night.
And what's often happening is that our minds are replaying conversations and running through worst case scenarios with our kids. We're waiting up or checking find my iPhone one more time at 2 a.m. And if that sounds familiar, I want to invite you to simply notice it, not to judge it or beat yourself up for it, but notice if your thoughts are keeping your nervous system activated night after night. That's really worth getting curious about.
Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because no amount of time in bed can fully restore a nervous system that's never given permission to rest. And that brings us to the next need in Maslow's hierarchy, safety. Because sometimes the reason we can't rest is that somewhere inside of us, we don't actually feel safe enough to let go.
Now, when we hear the word safety, we often think about physical safety. But I think for many of us moms at this point in life, safety feels much more about emotional safety or even financial safety. Really what safety means to us is the feeling that life is stable and predictable and maybe most importantly, that the people we love are okay.
And this is where I think so many of us moms live with a constant level of stress and lack of safety. When your teen is out driving late at night, or when your college kid doesn't answer your texts, your adult kid is still living in their room or not getting to work on time, or your spouse loses their job, or your aging parents need more of your time. None of these things necessarily mean you're in immediate danger or that anything is even wrong, but they can leave your nervous system feeling like it's constantly scanning for the next problem, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's almost like you've been holding your breath for so long that you forget what it feels like to completely exhale and let go. And really consider this, when your nervous system has been living in that low-grade state of vigilance for months or years at this point, it starts to feel normal, and that stress becomes chronic. And I truly think it has an overall impact on the way you feel about yourself and your life.
And so it's no wonder we feel off, kind of meh. And notice that there might not even be something terrible happening right in this moment, but you're constantly on the lookout for it, constantly living in the terrible possibility of all those worst case scenarios. It's like your mind and body have forgotten what it feels like to truly feel safe.
So when checking in with this need for safety, I wonder when was the last time you truly felt safe enough to relax, to completely exhale? Not because everything in your life was perfect, and certainly not because everything was under your control, but simply because for a little while your mind wasn't scanning for the next problem. My friend, if you can't remember the last time that happened, that might be worth paying attention to. The next need in Maslow's hierarchy is belonging.
And this one is really interesting as you think about us women in midlife. For most of our lives, belonging was built into the structure of our days. As kids, we went to school with the same group of people every day, and then we went to college, and then had our first job.
And in these environments, you were surrounded by people in the same season of life. Then many of us got married, or partnered up with people. We started building families.
And then we found community through our children's lives. There were playgroups and coffee dates, birthday parties and school events, then eventually standing on the sidelines at games or in the audience at concerts or plays. And even if you didn't become best friends with the other moms, there were people you saw regularly.
You've shared experiences and felt connected to something. But then as our kids get older, these opportunities for community begin to change. We're not at the birthday parties anymore.
And we might not even know the parents of our kids' friends the way we used to. I also find that we can pull away from other parents when our kids are in high school. Because comparison starts to feel really icky.
Maybe you don't want to hear about Johnny's straight A's or the math competition he won. Maybe your kid is struggling or pulling away from you, and you frankly don't feel comfortable talking to other moms about it. So many of us only post about the good stuff online.
So you start to feel isolated in your experience, even when your kids are still at home. And then they leave home. And those built-in communities that organized our lives for so long begin to disappear.
And no one really warns us about that. No one says, by the way, one of the biggest transitions of midlife isn't just letting go of your kids. It's realizing that the communities that once made you feel connected are changing too.
Now, maybe you're listening and you have an incredible group of girlfriends. Or you've maintained other communities outside of raising kids. And if that need is meant for you, I imagine it brings you a deep sense of belonging.
But I also know so many women who tell me how hard it's been to make plans with friends. How friendships start to drift apart because everyone's somehow so busy. Have you ever been on one of those text chains where you're trying to find a date four months out and you think, what's the point? Or maybe your best friend moves away closer to their kids, or their husband gets a different job, or they get divorced.
Before you know it, you can find yourself feeling lonely without ever having intended to become lonely. And that's not because no one loves you or that you don't have people out there in the world who care about you. But just notice if simply belonging isn't built into the fabric of your life and the way that it used to be.
The truth is, belonging requires intention. So if you've been feeling not like yourself lately, I wonder if this is another place worth checking. Do you feel connected in your life? Do you have people who really know you, a place where you feel like you belong? For some reason, the theme song from Cheers just came into my head.
You want to go where everybody knows your name. To be honest, I know in my life, this is an area where I need to spend more time. It's so easy to get caught up in the busyness of life that you don't create space to connect with people you care about.
But I think this is also where it's really important not to turn belonging into another item on your to-do list. Because that's what we do, right? We think, I need more connection. And then immediately, our brain says, OK, great.
Now I have to join a group or volunteer or get out there, be social. I have to fix my loneliness. And all of a sudden, the need for belonging becomes one more thing we're failing at or another big mountain we have to climb.
And that's not what I want for you or for myself, for that matter. I just want to invite you to notice it. Because sometimes, naming the need is already powerful.
Just noticing, I miss feeling connected. I miss being part of something. This doesn't mean you're broken or needy.
It simply means you're a human being with a human need for connection. And maybe the next step isn't to overhaul your social life. It's just to send that text or to make a coffee date.
Maybe say yes to that walk. Join that class. Maybe it's just letting one person know a little more of the truth of your life.
Or more than anything, maybe it's just opening your mind to the possibility that connection is something that you have the power to create. And that brings me to the next need in the hierarchy. And that is the need for purpose.
Or maybe another way to think about it is a need for growth or contribution. The feeling that your life is moving towards something meaningful. And this is the one that for me feels especially relevant in midlife.
Up to this point, as moms, we have had this incredible purpose. Raising kids has given us such a deep feeling of meaning and contribution in our life. We've had to constantly grow and evolve as our kids have grown.
And on top of that, up until now, our lives have come with a sort of roadmap. Think about it. We go to school.
Then maybe we go to more school. We get our first job. We meet someone.
We get married. Or we build a partnership with someone. We have children.
We raise those children. And so for decades, there has almost always been another milestone waiting for us. Something we're replicating and following society's expectations for us.
And then somewhere in our 40s or 50s, the roadmap disappears. And no one says, here's what the second half of your life is supposed to look like. And I think that can feel incredibly disorienting.
Because for the first time, there isn't an obvious next step for us. But consider this. What if you're only halfway through your life? Seriously, think about it.
If you're 40 or 50 years old right now and you live into your 90s, you could have 40 or 50 more years ahead of you. You essentially have as much life ahead of you as you have behind you. And I wonder, are you thinking about these years the same way as you thought about the first 40 or 50? Or are you mostly hoping that life just keeps going okay? Because those are very different ways of living.
I think so many women tell themselves they're looking for purpose. But when we start coaching around that, what we often discover is that purpose isn't actually what's missing. Even more, what's actually missing is often permission.
Permission to imagine something new. Maybe to be a beginner again. Permission to want something that's just for you.
To build a life that isn't organized entirely around taking care of everyone else. And I also want to be clear that purpose doesn't have to look like getting a job or starting a business or finding some big passion you pursue. It doesn't have to be something dramatic.
Sometimes purpose looks much simpler than that. It could be simply learning something new or creating something, mentoring someone, serving in your community or picking up a hobby you forgot you loved. Purpose can simply be waking up feeling like there's something you're excited to do in your life or to create in your life.
Because here's what I know, filling your calendar isn't the same thing as filling your life. So if you've been walking around saying I just don't feel like myself, I wonder if this is another place to look. When was the last time you felt like you were becoming someone for yourself instead of simply managing everyone else's lives for them? So let's come back to where we started.
I just don't feel like myself. Maybe after walking through this framework you're realizing that one of these needs stood out to you. Maybe you need more sleep, need to give your mind permission to rest and let go of the churning and the catastrophizing.
Maybe you'd like to feel more safe, to let go of the constant state of anxiety that keeps you up at night and feeling like you can't be present in your life. Maybe you've been feeling disconnected to friendships and belonging for longer than you realized. Or maybe you're craving purpose and meaning in this chapter of your life now that your kids don't need you in the same way anymore.
None of these things mean something's wrong with you. They all mean you're human. And I think that's a mindset trap that so many of us fall into.
When we don't feel like ourselves, we immediately assume we need to fix ourselves. We assume we need a diagnosis. So we run to therapy thinking somehow talking about our childhood is going to fix it.
Or maybe we think we need better circumstances. We need a more responsible or grateful kid or a different life. And that's not to say that we can't spend time looking at all of those things for solutions.
But what if this feeling that you don't feel like yourself isn't evidence that you're broken or that something's broken in your life? What if it's simply information? What if your mind and your body have simply been trying to get your attention? Trying to tell you I need something. I think that that's what meh often is. It's the feeling that something inside of you has been waiting to be noticed.
Sometimes it's hard to get to the root of this when you're inside your own head. So empowering yourself to find these answers and start caring for your own needs is exactly the work we do together inside Mom 2.0. Because so often the answer isn't fixing your kids or changing your circumstances. It's learning how to understand yourself again.
Over 10 weeks, we uncover the mindset patterns that have been keeping you stuck to empower you to reconnect with who you are beyond the role of mom and to help you create the kind of peace, purpose, and confidence that doesn't depend on everyone else being okay. So if you're ready to stop wondering what's wrong with you and start discovering what's possible for you, I'd love to help. You can learn more about Mom 2.0 through the link in the show notes.
My friend, the next time you catch yourself saying, I just don't feel like myself, instead of asking what's wrong with me, try asking what part of me has been asking for my attention. Because that question doesn't lead you towards judgment. It leads you towards curiosity.
And curiosity is almost always where change begins. My friend, you have spent so many years taking care of everyone else's needs. Maybe this chapter of your life is inviting you to become just as curious about your own needs.
And maybe that's what finding yourself again really looks like. Not becoming who you used to be, but paying enough attention to become who you're meant to be next. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
