MINDSET TRAPS OF PARENTING TEENS AND THE EMPTY NEST—TRAP #10: THE IDENTITY TRAP—WHO ARE YOU WHEN YOUR KID STOPS NEEDING YOU? | EP. 261
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever found yourself in a moment where your big kid doesn't need you, and instead of feeling free, you feel a little unanchored? Like you're not quite sure what to do with yourself or what your job even is anymore. Maybe your teen is pulling away and you feel shut out.
Maybe your older kid is leaving for college and the house feels different in a way you weren't prepared for. Or maybe nothing dramatic has happened at all, your kids are fine, and yet there's this hum of something you can't quite name. Today, I'm continuing the mindset traps of parenting teens in the Empty Nest series with a focus on the identity trap.
It's what happens when so much of who you are has been organized around being a mom, but then that starts to change. In this episode, I'm going to talk about why this trap is so hard to see coming, what it actually costs you, and what it takes to step out of it. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. There's something really interesting about motherhood in that it causes you to have to reinvent yourself on a constant basis. From the moment you became a mom, you weren't just learning how to raise a child.
You were learning how to be a new version of yourself. The mom of a newborn. Then the mom of a toddler.
Eventually, you became a mom of a little kid. Then a 10-year-old. Then a preteen.
Even being the mom of a high school freshman is different than being the mom of a high school senior. And then you become a mom of a college kid, or a kid who's working out in the real world. At every stage, this job of being a mom changes based on what your child needs from you.
And as a result, as a mom, you are constantly navigating these changes, whether you feel ready or not. And for the most part, we do this. We adapt, and we figure it out.
We find our footing at every new stage, even when it's hard. But here's what I've noticed, both in my own life and working with so many moms. The transitions that ask us to do less, those moments that require us to step back and let go, to stop being needed in the ways that we used to be, those are the ones that tend to catch us off guard.
Because all of those earlier reinventions, well, I guess you could say that you had more control of what that looked like when your kids were little. You were the one in charge, the one your kids needed. But as your kids grow up and need you less, you find yourself trying to figure out who you are when the role that has organized so much of your life starts to shift.
And that, my friend, is a very different kind of reinvention. And as I've worked with clients navigating this transition, and honestly, even in my own life, we face so many of these moments that force us to confront the reality of the shift. For me, it happened pretty early on.
My boys were still in the later years of elementary school, believe it or not. I was home alone on a Sunday afternoon. My kids were out playing in their band.
My husband was with them. And I was home folding laundry. And I so clearly remember thinking, my boys are out there chasing their dreams and I'm stuck here at home, cleaning up after them.
And maybe even worse, when that job was done, I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself. I felt this uncomfortable awareness that so much of my sense of purpose, and even knowing what to do with myself on a Sunday afternoon, had been organized around my boys' needs and their schedules. So when I found myself with that open space of freedom, even just for an afternoon, I didn't have an easy answer for what I wanted, not what needed to get done, not what someone else needed from me, but what I actually wanted.
And if I'm honest, the fact that I didn't have an answer felt like a failure on my part. My friend, whether your kids are still in middle school, in high school, if they're in college or already out in the world, this identity trap is something that can hit you at any of these stages. So what is this trap? The identity trap is what happens when so much of how we understand our own value and purpose and sense of self has become centered on our role as a hands-on mom.
And then, as our kids grow up and need us differently, whether they're pulling away, just getting more busy in their lives, or actually leaving the nest, when this happens, we don't just lose that hands-on role. We lose the primary organizing force of our life. And what we might not realize is that for a long time, we've been relying on that role to answer the question, am I doing okay? Now, I want to acknowledge that being a mom is the most meaningful role that I have ever had, and I can imagine that you feel the same.
So it makes so much sense that we care about this role and feel such a deep sense of purpose in our pursuit of being a mom. But what I found is that without realizing it, we can equate being needed with feeling like we matter. And you can feel it in those moments when your teen walks in the room and they barely acknowledge you, because it hurts.
Or when you see they're struggling with something and they don't want to talk about it, or they tell you to back off, that they've got it, and you feel shut out of something that you feel like you should be involved with. Or you might feel it when you think about your calendar once they go to college, and you realize there won't be any games or performances to go to, no more back-to-school nights or PTA coffees. And instead of feeling relief, you feel a little lost.
It can even happen in those moments when your kid is doing great, they're keeping busy and doing their thing, and instead of fully celebrating that, there's a part of you wondering, if they don't need me, what exactly is my job now? Moms have even described this to me as a feeling of restlessness, like they feel like they should be doing something more useful or more meaningful, but they're not quite sure what that would be. So they stay busy, not necessarily because they're doing something that feels fulfilling, but simply because staying busy keeps you from having to sit with that uncomfortable question, who am I in this stage of motherhood? And my friend, it's interesting to consider that that question itself isn't an identity crisis, but avoiding it can be a trap. So let's talk about why this happens.
Because like every trap in this series, the identity trap isn't a sign that there's something wrong with you, it's actually a very logical result of how we invest ourselves in this role of motherhood. I mean, think about what this role has meant. As I've said from the very beginning, our lives are organized around our kids' lives and their needs.
And these things don't just take up our time, they've given us direction. It's given us a reason to be somewhere or to do something, goals to work toward. Motherhood, in fact, has given each one of us something a lot of people spend their whole lives looking for, meaning and purpose.
And there is so much beauty in that. But beyond the purpose this role has given us, it's also become a feedback loop, really a way for us to know if we're doing okay, if we're doing enough, if we're on track. Just think about how connected your emotional well-being is to your kids.
When your teen comes home in a good mood and actually talks to you at dinner, you feel this sense that everything's right with the world. You can think, okay, we're good. But when they're struggling or pulling away or just seem off in some way, you feel this hum of anxiety that doesn't fully go away until things get better.
When they succeed at something or make a choice that you're proud of, you feel it in your chest. But when they disappoint you or shut you out or seem not to need you the way that they used to, that also lands somewhere inside of you. Our kids' moods and their progress, their struggles, whether they seem happy, whether or not they talk to you, whether they appreciate what you do, all of it has become data.
It's evidence that we're constantly, often unconsciously collecting and using to answer one underlying question. Am I doing okay? Am I doing enough? Is this going the way that it should? And when the answer seems to be yes, when they're thriving and we feel connected to them, we let ourselves breathe a sigh of relief. But when things look messy or uncertain, we don't just worry about them.
We worry about ourselves, what we're missing or what we're doing wrong, what we should do differently. Their struggles become our struggles. If they're okay, we're okay.
But if they're not, it's not just about them. It's about us too. In past episodes of this Mindset Trap series, I've explored a number of other traps that intersect with this one.
The illusion of control trap has us believing that we're more in control than we really are. We think that we can make our kids happy and keep them safe and on track. And because we believe this, our sense of peace becomes dependent on how our kids are doing.
Because if they're struggling, we think we should have the power to fix it. The perfectionism trap has us believing that there's a right way to do this motherhood thing and that if we can just find it, then everything will turn out okay. And finally, the validation-seeking trap has us measuring our worth by how much we're appreciated or acknowledged by our kids.
Now notice how each one of these traps feeds into this identity trap. Because when your emotional well-being is dependent on your child and your relationship with them in all of these ways, on how much they need you or how they respond to you or simply how they're doing, you start to need the relationship to tell you who you are. And so when the relationship changes, as it inevitably does, you can find that you don't quite know who you are without it.
Now I want to distinguish the identity trap from the feeling of sadness or grief that you might feel about your child growing up. Because you can feel this grief and loss even when you're very clear about who you are separate from your kids. This is a big transition and it is perfectly normal to have emotions come up around that change.
But when I'm talking about the identity trap, this grief can get tangled up with the fear that without this version of your role, you don't quite know who you are or what you're worth. And here's where it gets really interesting. Because your brain has actually been reinforcing this for years.
Think about what we've talked about in this series about how the brain works. At its most basic level, your brain is always trying to do one of three things. Avoid pain, stay comfortable, and keep things as predictable as possible.
And believe it or not, your role as a hands-on mom, it checked all three of those boxes in a really satisfying way. This role made it clear exactly what you needed to do and when. It gave you metrics to measure whether or not you were succeeding.
Those constant check-ins of, is my kid okay? And this role has also given you an obvious source of value. In our minds, if we're needed, we matter. So as our kids grow up and the role changes, our brains genuinely experience this as a threat.
Not because something has actually gone wrong, but because the system that's been telling you that you're doing fine is being disrupted. That feedback loop starts to shift, and your brain, trying to keep you safe, starts to sound the alarm. And that alarm can show up as restlessness or sadness.
It can show up as suddenly over-involving yourself in your kid's life again, trying to find ways to feel needed. It can also show up as throwing yourself into work or volunteering or trying to fix other people's problems, essentially trying to recreate that familiar sense of being useful. It can also show up as just kind of a low-level fog, a sense that something's missing that you can't quite figure out how to replace.
And if this is your experience, none of this means that there's anything wrong with you. It's simply your brain doing what brains do. The problem is when we mistake the discomfort, that alarm our brain is sounding, for the truth.
And this, my friend, is the trap. Because the alarm says your value is tied to being needed in this specific way. And that need is changing.
So something is wrong. And then we believe it. Let me give you a few really tangible examples of how this shows up.
One mom I worked with had a daughter who had just gone off to college. Her daughter seemed to be adjusting fine. And this mom intellectually knew that she should feel relieved.
But she found herself checking her phone constantly, feeling anxious any time a day went by without a text from her daughter. She felt really uncomfortable with the loss of daily contact with her. So it felt like not only was her role changing, but her importance in her daughter's life felt like it was changing.
And she didn't quite know what to do with that. Another mom I worked with had a teenage son still at home. But he'd become increasingly private, spending more time in his room.
And he was always giving her those infamous one-word answers teens give. And so this mom would find herself making up reasons to check in with him, asking questions she didn't really need the answer to, or suggesting activities she knew he would probably say no to. The further away he pulled, the more she tried to pull him back.
I've also worked with moms whose kids are doing great. But they find themselves envying their kids' excitement and sense of possibility in their life. It's like we spend our lives raising our kids, and then we send them out into the world, and we're left with what? We're not sure.
No clear direction. We feel this loss of something really meaningful that we can't seem to recover or replace. We know this is how it's supposed to be.
And we're so happy our kids are thriving. And yet, we just feel lost. In all of these cases, the underlying question is, if I'm not needed in the way I've always been needed, who am I? We tend to think of identity as something we discover.
We ask ourselves, what am I passionate about? What's my purpose? What should I be doing with this new chapter? And these aren't bad questions to ask. But I've worked with so many women who ask themselves these questions, and they don't have a ready answer. And on top of that, then they judge themselves for that, like they should know the answer.
But what I want to invite you to consider is that identity isn't something you find out there. It's actually something you decide within yourself. Just think about the identity you built around motherhood.
That wasn't actually an accident. You had to actively decide that this was a role that you were going to commit to. I mean, there are women in the world who give birth and don't make that commitment, who don't decide to stick with it through the many ups and downs of being a mom.
You, my friend, decided you were going to do whatever it takes to make sure they were safe and happy and thriving. And you're still doing that. And this decision has shaped the identity that you have built for yourself around being a mom.
What I want to invite you to consider is that you have the same power now. And this isn't about replacing the purpose of motherhood. In fact, you're always going to be your kid's mom.
The role itself isn't going away. But just consider that you have the power to expand the story you're telling yourself about who you are. Here's a question I ask my clients that I want to offer you.
Not what do you want to do, but who do you want to be? What qualities do you want to bring to your life? Not just in your role as a mom, but in your life as a woman. Maybe you want to be someone who's genuinely curious about the world. Someone who's allowed to find joy.
Someone who proves she can pursue big goals. Or alternatively, someone who finally gives herself permission to rest and relax. Maybe you want to be someone who sets boundaries, who speaks honestly even when it's hard.
Maybe you want to be someone who loves unconditionally, but also stands up for herself. These are not roles. And they're not things you check off of the to-do list or use to fill your time.
These qualities are a mindset. They're a way of being. And just consider that these qualities stay with you.
And they're also qualities that you get to decide matter in your life. And here's what I want to invite you to notice about that list. Not one of those things depends on your kid doing anything in particular.
Not one of them requires your teen to talk to you at dinner, or your college kid to text you back, or anyone in your life to appreciate you in the way you're hoping they will. Those qualities also don't require you to have a full calendar, or a new career, or some dramatic reinvention of your life. Because these qualities live inside of you.
The identity trap involves defining ourselves by things that are fundamentally outside of our control, whether we're needed, whether our kids are okay, whether the role still looks the way it used to. And the reason this ends up being so exhausting and unstable is that these external guideposts are always moving and changing. Your kid's mood changes and their needs change.
The role itself changes. And so if your sense of self is dependent on any of those things, you can find yourself constantly feeling lost and unanchored. But when you decide, and I want to emphasize that word, when you decide that you are someone who allows herself to feel joy, or someone who loves fiercely and also takes care of herself, that decision doesn't get taken away from you when your kid pulls away.
And it doesn't disappear when the house gets quiet. It doesn't depend on anyone else's behavior or moods or choices. That decision, that identity, is yours.
And I think this is one of the most powerful things you can do in this stage of life. To stop waiting for the external circumstances to settle, before you decide who you are. Just imagine what might happen if you stopped waiting for your kids to need you in the right way, or for the next chapter to suddenly become clear to you, that instead you could simply decide right now, in the middle of all the uncertainty and change, this is who I am.
This is how I want to show up. Not because everything's figured out, but because I get to choose. That shift from defining yourself by what's happening around you, to deciding who you are from inside, it is a life-changing transformation.
It changes how you feel. It changes how you experience your daily life. It changes how you take care of yourself and what you're willing to let go of.
It changes your ability to approach hard conversations. My friend, it changes everything. Not because your life looks different overnight, but because you are different, more grounded, less at the mercy of things that you can't control.
This work is at the heart of what we do inside of my coaching program, Mom 2.0. In this program, I teach you exactly how to recognize when you're falling into these traps and how to get out of them. We go underneath the grief and the anxiety, and we get to what's actually driving it. And then I give you a concrete step-by-step process for changing it.
Not by waiting for your kid to need you in the right way, or by filling your calendar, but by empowering you to decide who you want to be in this stage of motherhood. And this is what changes everything. My friend, your identity is so much more than this role.
It has always been who you are inside of it. You are the one who decided to show up every day for the most important job you've ever had. That perseverance and love, that capacity to care so deeply, those things are yours.
And they're not going anywhere just because the logistics of motherhood are changing. And the next version of you isn't something you have to go find. She's actually already here, waiting for you to decide to be her.
And that decision is something you can make right now. Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
