“I FEEL LIKE I'M THE ONLY MOM WHO DOESN'T HAVE IT TOGETHER.”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 260
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I feel like I'm the only mom who doesn't have it together. Have you ever had that thought? Maybe it hit you while you were scrolling through Instagram, watching someone else's highlight reel, seeing the happy pictures of those moms with their kids, or the posts mom make about where their kids going to college. Or maybe you overheard a conversation between two other moms who seem so calm and on top of it.
They were talking about how their kid was applying to summer internships, or how responsible they were being with their summer job. And you couldn't help but think, what are they doing differently? Why can't I feel that sense of everything going great with my kid? Or maybe it wasn't even about the other moms at all. Maybe it was just one of those days, the kind where you forgot to follow up on the thing that your kid texted you about.
Or that you said something you immediately regretted. Or maybe you came across something in your kid's room that makes you wonder if you really know what's going on in their life right now. And you can't help but think, I should be more on top of this.
Other moms seem to be getting this right. Why can't I? I hear these types of thoughts from moms I work with constantly. And honestly, I've had them myself as well.
The thing is, you are not the only mom who feels like she doesn't have it together. I think in this stage of motherhood, we're so often putting on a happy face, not talking about the struggles that we're facing. Because it often feels too painful to admit.
So in this episode, I want to unpack what's really going on when we're comparing ourselves and how much it keeps us stuck feeling like we're somehow falling short in our life as a mom. There was a time with my oldest son where I remember feeling this way constantly. And it was interesting because for a long time, particularly with this son, I felt like he was thriving and doing so well.
And I have to admit that I got a lot of validation from feeling like somehow, there must have been something I was doing right. Because this kid was focused in school, and he was kind and earnest and working hard. He was checking all the boxes I wanted for him up to that point.
And then something changed. And I remember feeling like no matter what I did, I couldn't help him. I couldn't get through to him.
And all of a sudden, all of the things that I thought he cared about seemed to be changing. And so I remember going to a parent event in my son's school. And we were all standing around talking about our kids.
And every single mom who shared some success story about their kid, about the programs they were exploring and the competitions they were involved in, the summer internships they were getting, how they went to dinner as a family. And it was so great. I remember standing there and thinking about my own son, and how he was struggling and how we were struggling together.
And I was standing and nodding and trying to engage in the conversation. But inside, I had this terrible pit in my stomach. Everybody else seemed to have it all together.
And here I was, failing. I drove home that afternoon, and I have to be honest. The feeling that was coming up for me was jealousy.
Everyone else seemed to have it so together. Their kids seemed to be on the right track. And somehow, we had hit a wall.
I couldn't help but think, what am I doing wrong that everybody else seems to be getting right? How did I mess this up? And here's the thing. Nothing was actually different about my life from the time I walked into that event to the time that I walked out. My son was the same kid.
I was the same mom. But throughout the course of that event, somehow, all of the struggles I was facing with him turned into more evidence that I was failing. And it just piled more pain onto the pain I was already experiencing with my son.
So I want to get curious about this thought. Because when we think that we're the only mom who doesn't have it all together, it's coming from a very real and understandable place. We're at this stage of parenting that is genuinely confusing.
Our kids are moving towards independence. And the manual we've been using to parent them for the past 15 to 20 years, it stops working the way it used to. We used to be able to call the teacher to sort things out.
Or we'd arrange the play date with the friends that we approved of. We could make the hard things go away with a snack or a hug or a kiss on the forehead. And so I find there's this growing gap between who we used to be as moms, those somewhat confident, capable, and more or less in control version of ourselves, to who we're trying to figure out how to be now.
And it's incredibly uncomfortable to navigate that gap. We don't have control, and yet not having control leaves us feeling terrible because we can't fix what's wrong. And when we're in this space, our brains look for safety.
We truly just want to know, are they going to be okay? Am I going to be okay? Am I doing this right? Are we on the right track? And look, the reality is, the fastest way our brains try to answer that question is by looking around us, by comparing our experience to others. This is truly a primal instinct. How are we supposed to know whether or not we're doing it right if we have no reference point? So we scan the world outside of us trying to figure out, how do I fit in? How do I measure up? And my friend, this isn't actually a character flaw.
This is literally how our brains are wired. We're designed to compare. It's, in truth, a survival instinct.
The problem is that our brains don't always distinguish between a genuinely useful comparison, like, is this neighborhood safe? And a completely unhelpful one, like, why does that mom seem so much more patient than me? So we find ourselves thinking that we're the only ones who don't have it together. Believe it or not, this is our brains actually trying to protect us. It's looking around, gathering data, and trying to make sense of where we stand in relation to others.
The problem is that the data our mind is collecting is wildly incomplete. Here's a question I want to invite you to sit with for a second. What does having it all together actually mean to you? Because what's interesting is that if I ask you that question, what's likely to happen is that you can tell me immediately what it looks like when someone else has it together.
You might describe someone as outwardly calm and organized. Maybe you see evidence that her kids are doing well, or her house is clean and not in chaos. She doesn't seem stressed out.
We have these metrics we use to assess whether someone's outward appearance meshes with what we think would equate to having it all together. But the interesting thing is, if I were to ask you the same question, if I were to ask you to describe what having it together looks like for you, like, what would it feel like when you actually arrived at having it all together? It's harder to answer that question. Because what's really interesting is that our standards for what we look for in other people, in terms of what it looks like to have it together, are very different than the standards we set for ourselves.
And I think the other piece of it is that these outward standards that we look for in other people are very different than the internal experience we have as we're parenting our kids through the hard things. It's hard to feel like you have it all together when your experience inside is constantly in turmoil. And the truth is, the finish line keeps moving.
Because even when we get through one hard experience, somewhere down the line, there's another one waiting. And so we're always in this place of thinking, if I can just get through this hard season with my big kid, then I'll feel better. Then I'll have it together.
But then we do. And then we find the next thing to worry about. Now it's if my kid could just figure out this friend stuff, stop being so lonely.
Or maybe if they could just get their grades back on track. Or maybe if they could be a little less stressed or less anxious. Then I could feel like I'm doing okay.
But what happens is our emotional well-being gets tied to a benchmark that is completely outside of our control. We never get to the place where we feel like we have it together for very long. But here's the part that's really worth paying attention to.
Because the standard we're setting for ourselves is never the same one we apply to another mom. When a friend tells you she's struggling, I'm willing to bet you don't think, wow, she doesn't have it together. Instead, you probably think, wow, that's really hard for you.
I get it. Of course she's struggling. But then when you're struggling, suddenly it becomes evidence of failure.
You immediately think, I don't have it together. We're essentially comparing our own internal experience to everyone else's outward appearance. In other words, we're comparing our worst days, the ones we probably don't even share with other people on the outside.
We're comparing that to other people's Instagram highlight reels. And my friend, no wonder it feels like we're always falling short. Because we can never feel like we're measuring up when we're playing by those rules.
We're essentially setting ourselves up to feel like a failure in comparison. So clearly one of the mindset traps we're falling into here is the comparison trap. And the problem is comparison feels like awareness.
It feels like you're just observing the world as it is. She's calm and I'm not. Her kid is thriving, mine is struggling.
Her life looks more together than mine. But here's what comparison is actually doing in your brain. It's taking a sliver of someone else's reality, a single moment or a sentence in a conversation, a photo on Instagram, and our minds turn it into a complete narrative about how we're falling short.
You truly do not know what's happening behind closed doors of another mom's experience. You don't know about the 2 a.m. text she got from her college kid last week that she hasn't told you about. You don't know about the fight she had with her husband this morning or the time she sat in her car before walking into the house just to get herself together.
You're comparing your complete picture, which is messy and unfiltered, the full reality of your life, to a carefully curated fraction of that other mom's. And it is never going to be a fair comparison. Another trap we can fall into here is all-or-nothing thinking.
Consider the sentence, I don't have it all together. Full stop. Not, I'm struggling in some areas right now.
Not, I'm figuring out something that's really hard. But, I don't have it all together. As if together is something you either have or you don't.
As if it's binary. Like there's some version of motherhood where everything clicks into place and just stays there. And my friend, I'm here to tell you, that's not true for any of us.
But just think about how often our brains do this. Where you see another mom who seems incredibly calm and patient in a moment. And instead of thinking, oh, she's having a good day, you think, I will never be like that.
Why am I like this? All-or-nothing thinking erases every nuance. It makes one hard moment the whole story. And when you're also, at the same time, comparing yourself to an impossible standard, the two of these trapped together create an awful loop where you can never, ever win.
So let's look at what this thought, that I'm the only one who doesn't have it all together, is actually costing you. Just consider this, when you're constantly measuring yourself against an imaginary, impossible standard, you can never be at peace. Even when things are actually okay, your brain is scanning for evidence that they're not.
So you're never fully present in the good moments because you're too busy looking for what's wrong. This thought can also cost you your connection with your kid. Because when you're in that comparison spiral, you stop seeing your child clearly.
Because what you're really focused on is the gap between who they are and who you think they should be. And our kids, no matter how much they pretend they're not paying attention, they sense that they're not meeting our expectations. We can ask questions with implied judgment, like, are you going to get around to doing that? With the assumption that of course they're not.
Or they see the way our faces tighten for just a second when they tell us something that doesn't match what we want for them or hope for them. When we're constantly striving to meet this imaginary, impossible standard, our kids become the vehicle through which we find our success. And that is a lot of pressure to put on your kid.
And for some of our kids, when they feel that, it's the very reason they start pulling away. Clearly, when we're falling into the comparison trap, it costs us our confidence as a mom. Because every time you look around and decide you're coming up short, you're chipping away at your own self-trust.
And the truth is, self-trust is actually the thing that you need the most right now. Because there is absolutely no perfect system. There is no perfect way of parenting.
And there's no single right answer or right strategy that's going to work for every single one of our kids all of the time. And so our power is truly in being able to discern what is my best, right action right now. And that requires immense self-trust.
Because you are constantly making decisions about how you want to show up in this moment. So you being able to trust your instincts and your love for your kid and your judgment about the best right next step, this is absolutely critical for you showing up as the mom I know you want to be. When you spend time comparing yourself against an impossible standard, it robs you of your self-trust and your confidence, your connection with your kid, and your peace.
Because this trap makes you look outside of yourself for validation. When what you really need is to develop the trust to find the answers from within. Here's something I want to offer you.
Because the longer I've been doing this and the more women I coach, the more it becomes so clear to me that the mom you think who has it all together, they are also in the middle of their own messy, imperfect, genuinely hard parenting journey. They're just not always showing you that part. And the truth is, all of us experience this journey differently.
So yes, maybe that mom does have it together in ways different from you. But that doesn't mean she's not struggling. It doesn't mean that there isn't more to her story.
So what you're really doing when you're thinking that other mom has it all together is that you're creating an imaginary, impossible standard against which every single one of us would feel like a failure. I actually have a number of family photos that we took together during that period of time with my son when things were really, really difficult at home. We were fighting and I was constantly living with a pit in my stomach feeling like I was walking on eggshells and so afraid for what was to come for my son.
But when you look at that photo, it would be very easy to think that we were a perfectly happy family. I actually used that photo for a Christmas card. The truth is, this is the nature of the things we put out into the world.
They don't lie exactly, but they absolutely don't tell the whole truth either. And comparison takes those images and treats them as evidence of our own failure. My friend, here's what I think it actually means to have it all together.
It means being willing to show up for your kid even on the days when you don't feel ready. It means still loving them through those seasons when they are pushing you away. It means coming back after you said the wrong thing and trying again.
It means doing the work on yourself, on your relationship with your kid, even when you don't have a clear roadmap. My friend, having it all together does not mean it's going to go perfectly because the reality is that is a standard none of us can meet. But I want to invite you to consider that by you showing up and loving your kid unconditionally, even when it's hard, even when they're struggling and pushing away.
My friend, what if that is what having it all together at this stage of motherhood looks like? The question is, is there a way to go through this experience without feeling so terrible while you're doing it? So my friend, here's what I want to offer you. Because if you've been listening to this and recognizing yourself in the comparison or the all or nothing thinking, if you've ever experienced having that pit in your stomach when another mom's kid seems further ahead than yours, I want you to know that that's actually really good news because you can't change a pattern that you can't see. And now you're beginning to see it for what it is.
And that is where this work begins because this is truly mindset work. And sometimes when people hear mindset, they think, well, it just means I have to think positive thoughts. And that is not what I mean.
Mindset work actually means looking at that thought that I'm the only mom who doesn't have it all together. And instead of just believing it, getting curious about it. Where did that thought come from? What is it actually telling me? And what would be true if I stopped treating it as a fact? Because here's what I know.
These thoughts feel so true. It feels like you're just observing reality. But these thoughts are not reality.
They're simply a story your brain is telling you. And your brain does a very good job at convincing you these stories are real. So the opportunity here isn't to pretend that these thoughts don't exist.
It's truly about learning how to relate to them differently. To meet these thoughts with curiosity instead of shame. And to ask yourself, what is this really about? What do I actually need right now? And my friend, this is a learnable skill.
And when you build it, everything changes. Not just in how you feel about yourself, but also in how you show up with your kid. And this is the exact work we do inside of my coaching program, Mom 2.0. We take these mindset traps, the comparison, the all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing, over-responsibility, all of it.
And we work through them together. Untangling them from the way you perceive your life and your kid and all of the things that are hard right now. And we don't just do this in theory.
We apply these tools to your real life. And what I see happen for moms I work with consistently is that they stop outsourcing their sense of being okay to everything around them. They stop measuring themselves against a standard nobody could live up to.
And maybe most importantly, they start trusting themselves again as a mom and as a woman figuring out who she is in this chapter of her life. And if that is something that you're ready for, I would love to talk. There's a link in the show notes to learn more about Mom 2.0. My friend, I feel like I'm the only mom who doesn't have it together.
That thought, the fact that you might have it and the fact that it bothers you, the fact that you're listening to an episode about it right now, that is not evidence that you're failing. It's simply evidence that you care, so much about your kid, about your relationship with them, and about the kind of mom you want to be. The moms who truly don't have it together, they're not asking these questions.
So the next time that thought shows up for you, instead of believing it, just get curious. There's that thought again. What's actually going on for me right now? That is the first step.
My friend, you are not the only one who sometimes feels like she doesn't have it together. But you are showing up to this work, and this is exactly what having it together looks like. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
