BOUNDARIES YOU'VE SET WITH YOURSELF—THE MISSING PIECE IN HOW YOU SHOW UP AS A MOM PARENTING TEENS AND TRANSITIONING TO THE EMPTY NEST | EP. 253
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever found yourself saying, why did I do that again? Reacting to your big kid when you meant to stay calm, or overthinking when you wanted to let it go, or ending the day feeling like you didn't show up in the way you intended? The problem isn't that you don't know what to do. It's that in the moments that matter the most, you find yourself not honoring your intentions. Today, I'm going to talk about why that happens and the one boundary that will change everything. By the end of this episode, you'll understand what's actually driving your reactions and how to start showing up as the mom and the woman you already know you want to be. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
There's something I see happening over and over again with the moms that I work with, and even in my own life, and I'm willing to bet that you'll see yourself in this too. You wake up in the morning and you have a clear intention for how you want to show up with your kid that day. You're standing in the kitchen with your coffee, and you know exactly who you want to be.
You want to stay calm. You don't want to nag. You decide, I'm just going to say it once and let it go.
And you can already picture it, not taking your kid's mood personally, or being firm, but loving. Definitely not getting dragged into a power struggle. And then, your kid doesn't get up on time for school, or they ignore you when you ask them a question, or maybe they snap at you for no reason.
And before you know it, you're repeating yourself. You can hear that harsh tone in your voice. You're frustrated.
Maybe you even snap back at your kid. The situation escalates again, and afterwards, you feel that familiar wave of regret. Why did I do that again? I said I wasn't going to do that.
Or maybe your kid isn't at home anymore. Maybe they're at college, living on their own. So you're not dealing with the morning rush or the afternoon carpool anymore.
But your mind is still very much actively engaged in your kid's life. You wake up, and the first thing you do is you check your phone. Did they text you back? Did they respond to what you sent last night? You tell yourself, I'm just going to trust them.
I'm going to give them some space. And you know this is how you want to show up. You want to be calm and trusting, not constantly checking on them.
But then time goes on throughout the day, and they don't respond. So eventually, you look on your phone to see where they are, because you still track them. So you see they're still in their dorm, not at class.
And you're pretty sure on Wednesdays they've got an afternoon class. So your mind is spinning. Are they OK? Why aren't they going to class? And why didn't they bother to text me back? So you debate whether to text again or just call.
You keep checking your phone, thinking about it while you're trying to work or go about your day. You've told yourself you weren't going to do this. And yet, here you are again.
Or maybe it's not even about your kid. It's about you. You've told yourself, I want to focus on me again.
I want to take care of myself and figure out what I want in my life. So maybe that morning you say, today I'm going to go on a walk. Maybe even work out.
And I'm going to stay away from those chips today. I'm going to eat healthy, and I'm going to get things done. Maybe I'll look into that class or reach out to make plans with that friend.
Maybe I'll research some options of what I want to do, things that might bring me joy. And then the day gets busy. There's a text from your kid where they need you to do something.
Or your mom calls, and she needs to talk things through with you. You try to clean up, and the dishwasher stops working. It's like you started the day with such good intentions, and somehow everything feels harder than it needs to be.
Or you get pulled into everyone else's needs and stop focusing on your own. By the time you get a minute to yourself, you're exhausted. So you sit down, and you scroll on your phone.
Maybe pour a glass of wine. Open that bag of chips. And you can feel this sense of defeat.
That somehow, despite your best intentions, you didn't live up to who you really wanted to be that day. So you tell yourself, I guess I'll start tomorrow. My friend, in all of these situations, it's not that you don't know what you want to do.
The truth is, you do. But then, you don't do it. With your big kid, you find yourself reacting in those same old ways.
Saying something you wish you hadn't said. And afterward, you replay it in your head, wishing you'd handled it all differently. And with yourself, you seem to default to overthinking decisions.
Questioning yourself. Wondering if you're doing it right. Looking for reassurance.
Maybe putting things off because you're not quite sure what the right next step is. You start each day with a sense of intention. And somewhere along the way, you lose it.
Whether your big kid is right in front of you or miles away. Whether it shows up in your reactions or your thoughts. You know how you want to show up in your life.
You've already decided who you want to be. And it's likely you've probably already worked on it. And you have had moments where you actually are that version of yourself.
And yet, in the moments that seem to matter the most, it feels surprisingly hard to follow through. And so inevitably, you end up feeling frustrated with yourself. Why do I keep doing this? I know better than this.
What is wrong with me? This is something we don't talk about enough. Because the moms I work with are incredibly thoughtful and self-aware. And I'm guessing this is true for you too.
You care about how you show up. You reflect on things you do. And you want to grow.
It's not that you're lacking intention. And this isn't even about not knowing what to do. Although there are certainly those times when we overthink this too.
But even when you don't know exactly what to do, you know who you want to be. But that space between the version of yourself you want to be and how you actually show up in the moment, that's where we often end up falling into so much frustration, guilt, and self-doubt. So today, I want to talk about a different kind of boundary.
Not the boundaries you set with your big kid. Or the ones you wish other people would respect. I want to talk about the boundaries you set with yourself.
Because what you might not know is that these are the most important boundaries you can set. So let's start by redefining what I mean when I say the word boundary. Because most of us have been taught to think about boundaries as something we set with other people.
We think boundaries are about what we say to our kids. What rules we put in place and how we get them to change their behavior. But a real boundary is actually not about controlling or changing someone else.
A real boundary is about how you decide to show up no matter what someone else does. It's really a decision about what you will do. And my friend, when you really understand this, you can start to see that if a boundary is simply a decision about how you want to show up, then you're already setting boundaries with yourself all of the time.
When you say, I'm not going to nag today, that's a boundary. When you say, I'm going to take care of myself and go on that walk today, that's a boundary. When you decide, I'm not going to react or take it personally when my big kid doesn't text me back, that's a boundary.
These are all decisions you're making about who you want to be. And the truth is, you're actually really good at setting these boundaries. You already know what matters to you.
You know the kind of mom and the kind of woman you want to be. That's not actually the problem. The problem is that you don't always honor these boundaries.
You make the decision in the morning and then you break it later. And then after you break that promise to yourself, you make that mean something about yourself. You tell yourself, I have no discipline.
Or what's wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this? Or why am I not doing the thing I said I'd do? My friend, as much as I know from personal experience how easy it is to beat yourself up for all of this, I want to offer that the fact that you do this is actually not a character flaw. It's not because you're weak or incapable. This is simply happening because you're trying to hold a boundary with yourself in moments where your brain and your emotions are working against you.
The honest truth is that when you're triggered or tired or overwhelmed, of course it feels hard. Of course you're not following through the way that you want to. And instead of getting curious about this, we so often default to judging ourselves for it or making it mean we're failing or incapable.
But what if honoring the boundaries that you set with yourself, even when you're triggered or exhausted, is one of the most important skills that you can learn? And I'm going to show you a path for how to do that. But first, let's talk about why this is so hard. Here's the first thing to understand.
You typically make decisions about how you want to show up when you're calm, in those quiet moments when you have space to think intentionally. But then you're trying to live out those decisions in moments when you're triggered or overwhelmed. Just think about it.
When you're calm, it's easy to say, I'm going to be patient. I'm not going to overreact. When nothing's going wrong, it's really easy to say, I'm going to trust my kid and give them space.
But when your big kid rolls their eyes or does something that triggers your fear or your anger, you're not operating from that calm place anymore. You're in reaction mode. In fact, your brain is trying to solve for something very different in that moment.
It's trying to protect you from feeling disrespected or out of control. It's trying to protect you from feeling like you're getting it wrong as a mom or to protect you from feeling anxious about your big kid's future. And when your brain is in that reactive, protective mode, it's not thinking about the version of you who you decided you wanted to be that morning.
It's simply thinking about relief. So interestingly, snapping at your kid, that gives you a moment of release. Or sending that second text, it temporarily soothes the anxiety because you're doing something.
Skipping that workout definitely feels so much easier in the moment. And grabbing those chips or pouring that glass of wine, scrolling on your phone, those things do temporarily take the edge off the day. In the moment, these choices actually make so much sense.
Your brain is solving for comfort. The problem is when you don't recognize this, you end up making it mean that you just can't stick to anything or that you can't get it right. But that's not actually what's happening.
All that's happening is that you haven't yet learned how to stay with the discomfort of the moment long enough to follow through on the decision you already made. But there's actually another layer to this. Because a lot of times we also tie our ability to follow through to what our kids are doing or to the circumstances of our lives in general.
We have this unconscious expectation that if we say the right thing, or if we stay calm, then our kids are supposed to react in the way we want them to. So we actually start off interacting with them from a calm place. But then when we don't get the reaction we want, we get frustrated and anxious.
And that's when we find ourselves reacting in ways we didn't plan to. Or we start our day with such high hopes about what we'll accomplish. And then everything takes longer than we expected.
Or things come up, plans change, someone needs something from you, life just happens. And instead of recognizing we simply need to adjust, we start to feel this sense of defeat. Then without realizing it, we stop showing up in the way we intended to.
We essentially disconnect from ourselves and our intention. And by the end of the day, we're left with that feeling. Another day where I didn't do what I said I would do.
And it's not just with our kids or our schedules. This can show up in every aspect of our lives. We tell ourselves we'll follow through with something as long as we feel motivated.
We'll take care of ourselves as long as we have the time and energy. We'll stay calm as long as things aren't too stressful. Oh, and we'll trust ourselves as long as we feel confident.
We're constantly tying how we show up to how we feel in the moment or to how our day unfolds. So when things don't go according to plan or when we're tired or overwhelmed or things just feel harder than we expected, we stop showing up on purpose and we just react to whatever's happening instead. And when you really step back and look at it this way, it makes so much sense why it feels so hard to be consistent.
Because you're trying to follow through on decisions you made ahead of time in moments where everything inside of you is pulling you in the opposite direction. And my friend, what I've seen so often in the women I work with, and I remember feeling this way in my own life too, it's not just that you don't follow through on what you said you were going to do. It's that every time that happens, you lose more trust in yourself.
For example, you make a decision in the morning about who you want to be and then you don't honor that decision. And then that happens the next day and the next day. And after enough of those moments, you stop fully believing in yourself.
You start to think, I'll try, but I probably won't stick to it. Or you hesitate before committing to things that matter to you because you're not sure you're going to follow through. You don't trust yourself to take those next steps.
Or you second guess your own decisions. You might even go into conversations with your kid knowing in your heart that you're probably going to react again or spin and overthinking afterwards. The problem is part of you has learned.
You don't always have your own back. We tend to think that the problem is we're not being disciplined enough or consistent enough. But if this were really a discipline problem, then once you made the decision, you would just follow through.
The truth is, I know you've done hard things before. There are plenty of areas in your life where you've shown discipline. Just think about how disciplined you've been in staying committed to the role of motherhood.
Even in those moments where it's been hard, you've never given up. So it's not that you're not capable of keeping promises to yourself or following through on your commitments. In these moments, you're not intentionally sitting there thinking, I'm choosing to break my commitment to myself.
It's more like, I need to say something right now, or I should text again, or I don't have time for that today, or I don't really feel like it, or I deserve a break or a treat. These thoughts are actually really reasonable. In fact, they feel justified.
And your brain is really good at making a case for why you should do the easier thing in the moment. If you've ever told yourself you're not going to snack in the afternoon or not pour that glass of wine at night, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You can be totally committed to it until that moment comes, and then your brain just starts negotiating with you.
Come on, a few chips won't hurt, or just one glass of wine. You've had a long day. You deserve it.
It's honestly like you have a little voice in your head trying to convince you to give in. And the same thing happens in other areas of your life. With your big kid, it sounds something like, I can't just let that go.
I need to say something. Or they shouldn't talk to me that way. Or if I don't say something now, this is going to get much worse in the future.
Or maybe I'll feel better once I know what's going on. And with taking care of yourself, it sounds like, I'll do it tomorrow when I have more time. Or I'm too tired to deal with this right now.
In every case, your brain is offering you thoughts that make it feel completely reasonable to do something different than what you originally decided. And that's why this is so tricky, because you're not breaking your commitment on purpose. You're believing a different thought in that moment.
And that thought leads you to take a different action. You're not sitting there thinking, I'm going to ignore what I said I wanted to do. You actually believe the new thought your brain is offering you.
So again, it's not that you lack discipline. It's that you haven't yet learned how to recognize when your brain is looking for comfort or relief and how to stay with that discomfort long enough to come back to what you originally decided matters to you. And learning how to do this is what builds self-trust.
It's not actually about getting it perfect all the time, but simply learning how to show up for yourself, especially when life gets hard. So what would it look like to start doing that? Just imagine right before you react, right before you send that second text, or before you give up on yourself. Instead of going on autopilot, just doing that thing, you pause just for a second, long enough to recognize what's actually happening in your mind.
You might notice the urge or the anxiety, the discomfort of not knowing. And instead of immediately trying to fix that feeling or make it go away, you let it be there. And if you're willing to sit with that discomfort for just a moment, recognizing that it's simply coming from a series of thoughts that make perfect sense, that you want relief, that you want to feel better, to get control and have certainty, have it not be so hard.
If you can just give yourself a little compassion in that moment, that discomfort actually becomes something that's possible to tolerate. And from that place, you come back to the decision you already made. Not because it's easy, because it truly matters to you.
My friend, this is surprisingly subtle. This isn't some big dramatic change. It's these small moments where you shift from reacting to responding with intention.
And I want to be honest with you. The explanation is simple, but I know it's not easy. Because in real life, in these moments that feel urgent and uncomfortable, your brain is going to offer you a hundred reasons to just do what you've always done.
And this is why I created MOM 2.0. Because as I said in the beginning, you know what you want to do or really who you want to be. But the challenge is living into that intention and learning how to actually do it even in those moments that feel hard. Inside MOM 2.0, we slow these moments down together so you can see what's really happening in your mind and stop reacting on autopilot.
This empowers you to show up as the version of yourself you already know you want to be. My friend, a boundary is simply a decision about how you want to show up in your life. And the most important boundary you will ever set is the one you set with yourself.
And when you learn how to honor these boundaries, when you learn how to show up on purpose, even when life gets hard, you become a woman who trusts herself no matter what comes. And my friend, this changes everything. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
