THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—“MY BIG KID IS LYING TO ME” | EP. 252
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from, because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes.
Let's dive in. Hello, my friend. I have to make a confession.
I've had conversations with my boys where they've told me, years later, that they lied to me. Maybe they feel comfortable now admitting the lies because it's like the statute of limitations has run out. Like, okay, this happened years ago.
What are you really going to do about it now? And it's so interesting for me to reflect back on those moments now, because I can remember, even at the time, having this thought in the back of my mind that they would tell me something and I'd believe them, but I'd be thinking, am I being naive right now? Am I being stupid for believing what they're telling me? And I think so many of us know that feeling. I talk to moms all the time who come to me because they found out their kids are lying. Sometimes it's about school, whether or not they studied, what their grades actually are, or how much effort they're really putting in.
Sometimes it's about things like applying to summer jobs or college applications. Our kids will say, I've got this. And there's a part of you that's thinking, I don't think you've got this.
Other moms will tell me they've found vape pens, or marijuana, or cigarettes, or even harder drugs in their kid's room. And when they confront their kids, the story is always something like, I'm just holding it for a friend, or I tried it once. I don't even like it, mom.
I don't use that stuff. Our kids lie about having fake IDs. They lie about whether or not they were drinking at the party.
They lie about who they're with, where they are, whether or not they took the money. And on the one hand, it's almost kind of interesting to step back and ask, is this just what kids do? Because if I'm being honest, I lied to my parents when I was growing up. Sorry, mom and dad, if you're listening.
And I remember even at the time thinking, I'm a good kid. What they don't know won't hurt them. As a kid, you look around and it feels like everyone else is doing the same thing.
And so you kind of develop this mindset of, what I'm doing isn't that big a deal. But at the same time, you know your parents wouldn't support what you're doing. So it feels easier to just not be honest.
So on the one hand, you can wonder, is this just a part of growing up that sometimes our kids will lie or at least give us half-truths? And maybe that's part of it. But on the other hand, it's really hard to let a lie stand when you catch your kid in one. It feels like a violation of trust.
If someone tells you something that isn't true and presents it as the truth, it's not a big leap to think, I can't trust you. So let's really look at this. Why does it feel so bad when our kids lie to us? Because it's not even just the fact of the lie that's the problem.
It's also everything the lie represents in our minds. We start to tell ourselves, I should be able to trust my kid. And just notice that sentence for a second.
Why do we think we should be able to trust them? Well, we believe it because that's how we've raised them. Being honest is one of the core values we've tried to instill in them. And also, we don't lie to them.
So when they lie, it goes against our values. It also calls into question whether or not we did our job well. When our kids lie, our brain can jump to thinking, where did I go wrong? How did I create this? Maybe I've been too lenient or too trusting.
We start to question whether somehow we've failed. Like if our child is dishonest, it must mean that we didn't do a good enough job teaching them to be honest. And then on top of that, we feel this sense of responsibility.
Because now it's not just that you're thinking, I didn't do this right. You can also feel like, well, now I have to fix this. Because when our kids aren't honest, we start thinking about the future.
Well, if they lie at work, they're going to get fired. Or if they lie in relationships, they're not going to have healthy relationships. So now it's not just about the lie that's happening now.
It's about this urgency to correct it before it becomes something bigger in the future. And then on top of all of this, when our kids lie, it hurts. It makes us angry.
Because there's this feeling of, I do everything for you. I support you. I show up for you.
And it can feel like, how could you lie to me? There's a level of disrespect in it. Like a slap in the face to the relationship you feel like you've been building their entire lives. And I hear this all the time from moms.
They'll say, I'm not even that strict. If anything, I feel like I give my kid too much freedom. And I hope they know they can tell me anything.
So in these moms' minds, there should be no reason to lie. Which makes it even more confusing when it happens. It's like, why are you doing this when I've made it so you don't have to? And then as if all of that isn't enough, our brains start going down the path of, what does this mean about what's really going on? If they're lying about school, are they actually failing and they don't want to tell me? Or if they're lying about substances, is this turning into something serious? Or if they're lying about where they are, are they putting themselves in danger? Is there some risk here that I don't know about? And suddenly the lie isn't just the lie anymore.
It's like a red flashing light in our mind indicating that something bigger and potentially scary might be happening and that they're just not willing to admit it to us. And with all of this going on in our minds, before we realize it, we're not just reacting to what we know, we're reacting to everything we're afraid might be true. We're essentially thinking, if they're lying about this, what else are they lying about? We can become so certain that there's more that we don't know.
And our brains do not like that feeling. They don't like uncertainty. And so what do our brains do? They try to solve for that uncertainty.
So we start asking more questions. But not from a place of openness. More from a place of, I'm pretty sure you're not telling me the truth.
We start trying to get them to admit it. Because what we really want is just, tell me the truth. Just tell me what's actually going on.
And when demanding the truth doesn't work, we start trying to catch them. We start looking for evidence. We might go through their room, even though we don't want to admit it.
We might check their phone or track where they are. We do our own research to verify what they've told us. And honestly, of course we do.
This actually makes logical sense. Because in our minds, we're thinking, if I can just figure out what's actually going on, then I can fix it. Then I can protect them.
When we feel angry and anxious about our kids lying, we can also react by trying to take back control. We essentially lay down the law. We set consequences and tell them what's going to happen if they lie again.
We might lecture them about honesty, about what's going to happen if they keep going down this path. And again, it makes sense. Because what we want is to stop the behavior.
And we want to restore trust. More than anything, we want to know that our kid is going to be okay. But if you really step back and look at it, all of these reactions are coming from the same place.
They're coming from this desire to regain control over something that suddenly feels very out of our control. And here's the part that's really hard to see in the moment. A lot of what we do in response to our kids lying doesn't actually build trust.
In fact, more often than not, it creates more distrust and more distance. The truth is our lectures and the consequences we set don't suddenly make our kids open up and say, you're right, mom, I shouldn't have lied. Let me tell you everything.
More often than not, it just causes them to shut down more. Or to get better at hiding whatever's going on with them. And I think this is a really hard pill to swallow as a mom.
Because everything in us wants to believe that if we just push hard enough, if we just say it the right way or set the right consequence, that they'll stop. That they'll tell us the truth. But that's usually not what happens.
And so we find ourselves stuck in this cycle where the more we try to control it, the more disconnected the relationship starts to feel. Typically, when our kids lie, we focus on the fact that our kids are breaking our trust. But if you really sit with it, what hurts even more is the idea that they don't trust us.
That they don't feel safe enough to tell us the truth. We imagine that they should feel comfortable saying to us, hey, mom, I'm actually really struggling here. Or I messed up.
Or even, I know you're not going to like this, but here's what's really going on. Because if they were able to do this, they wouldn't need to lie. And my friend, this isn't about blame.
But really consider that when our kids are doing something that they know we're not going to like, there's usually a reason. And very often that reason has nothing to do with us. They might be doing something because of peer pressure.
Or maybe because they're feeling anxious or overwhelmed. Maybe they're in a situation they don't know how to navigate and they're just doing the best that they can. Maybe they want to be able to think that they can handle it on their own.
There are so many very human reasons why our kids might act in ways that don't align with what we want for them. And because they know that what they're doing isn't exactly what we want, they lie. In their mind, whatever they're doing makes sense.
Their reasons feel valid to them, no matter how much we might disagree. And sometimes our kids do lie because of the dynamic with us. Maybe they don't want to disappoint us or they're trying to avoid our reaction.
Maybe they know we're going to get upset or scared or frustrated and they just don't want to deal with that. Or maybe, and this is a hard one, they feel like we won't understand or that we'll try to fix it too quickly or we'll make it into something bigger than it feels to them. And so the lie becomes a way to manage the relationship or a way to manage us.
I know this isn't what we want, but it is worth understanding because when we only focus on the lie, we miss what's underneath it. And if you really think about it, most of us in our hearts kind of know this already. We can feel that something's going on with our kids or sense that they're struggling in some way, whether it's with school or friendships or just figuring out who they are.
And very often, we've tried to help. We've tried to get at the root of the problem. We'll ask, what's going on? Or do you want to talk to someone? We offer resources, we try to get them to open up and they still push us away, which just adds another layer of frustration because now it's not just that they're lying to us, they're also not letting us help them navigate the situation.
And you're left thinking, how am I supposed to solve this if you won't tell me what's actually going on? But here's the reality. When our kids lied to us, there is so much we don't know. We don't have any idea what they're thinking or feeling or going through.
And very often, they don't fully understand it themselves. And that's the part that invites a completely different approach because if you're operating from the belief that they're dishonest and they're doing something wrong, that I can't trust them, just pause for a second and notice how that feels in your body. I imagine it feels tight and heavy.
You feel anxious and angry. And from that place, you can't help but be more suspicious, more controlling. You feel the urge to interrogate or lecture or try to catch them.
And again, it makes sense, but it also creates the very thing you don't want, more distance and distrust and very often more lying. Because now they're not just managing whatever they're dealing with, they're managing you too. So what if instead of immediately deciding what the lie means, you allowed yourself to sit in the reality that you don't actually know the full story yet? Because when you believe they're dishonest, something's wrong, it gives you a false sense of certainty.
Believe it or not, our brains would rather believe something is wrong and be certain of that than to have to sit with the discomfort of not knowing. But when you're willing to admit, I actually don't know what's going on here, you open yourself up to curiosity. So let's use that.
Let's get curious. Typically when our kids are lying, what we're really focused on is that I can't trust you. And it feels like the problem we need to solve is how do I get my child to be more trustworthy? But what if that's not actually the most useful place to focus? What if trust isn't what we think it is? Because I think a lot of us have this idea that trusting our kids means we can believe what they tell us and that when they lie, that trust is broken.
But here's the problem with that definition. It puts all of the power outside of you. It means your ability to feel secure and connected is dependent on whether or not your child is telling you the truth.
And that is a really tenuous place to be because our big kids are still figuring themselves out and they are absolutely going to make mistakes. They are going to experiment and they are going to do things that don't always align with what we want. And yes, sometimes they're going to lie.
So if your sense of trust is tied to their behavior, you're going to feel like you're constantly on shaky ground. But what if we redefine trust as not believing everything your big kid says? What if trust is about believing in yourself? Trusting that you can handle whatever is actually true. That you can handle it if they're struggling.
That you can handle it if they make a mistake. That you can handle it if they disappoint you. And even that you can handle it if something is going on that you don't like or didn't expect or wouldn't choose for them.
Because when you trust yourself, you don't need to force the truth out of them. You don't need to control the situation or create safety by managing their behavior. Instead, you create safety by how you show up.
By being someone who can hear hard things without immediately reacting or making it mean something has gone terribly wrong. And this doesn't mean that you believe everything your kid says or even that you let it slide. It just means that instead of trying to control them into honesty, you become someone who can hold the truth, whatever it is.
And when you show up that way, you're not just telling them to be honest. You're becoming someone they can be honest with. And this is what I really want you to see.
This isn't just about whether your kid is lying. It's about what happens inside of you when they do. It's about how quickly your mind goes to fear, to worst case scenarios, to what this means about them and about you and about your relationship.
It's about how you respond when things feel out of control. Because this is one of those moments in motherhood where you don't actually get to control what your child does. You don't actually have any power over whether or not they tell you the truth.
But you do get to decide how you show up. You get to decide whether you spiral into fear or whether you ground yourself, hold your boundaries, and stay connected with your big kid at the same time. And I know how hard that is because everything in you wants to fix it to make sure it doesn't happen again.
But the real work is learning how to be with your own discomfort in those moments so that you can respond in a way that actually builds trust instead of unintentionally breaking it down. And this is exactly the work we do inside of Mom 2.0. This program isn't about getting your big kid to behave a certain way. It's about helping you become the kind of mom who feels steady and confident even when your big kid is doing things that are confusing or frustrating or honestly, really scary.
It's about understanding how your thoughts are shaping your emotions so that you're not reacting from anger or anxiety but responding instead from intention. And the truth is, when you change how you show up, everything in the relationship starts to change. And not because you forced it, but because you created more space for connection and trust.
So if you're listening to this and thinking, this is exactly where I get stuck, I want to invite you to join me inside of Mom 2.0. I offer both one-on-one coaching and a group experience so you can choose the kind of support that feels right for you. My friend, your kid might lie, but you don't have to lose yourself when they do. You can be the mom who stays grounded and open and who actually builds trust, not by controlling your big kid, but by trusting yourself.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
