MINDSET TRAPS OF PARENTING TEENS AND THE EMPTY NEST—TRAP #9: VALIDATION SEEKING—LETTING GO OF NEEDING YOUR BIG KID TO MAKE YOU FEEL OKAY | EP. 249
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever found yourself feeling hurt or rejected because of how your big kid responds to you? Maybe they don't text back, or they seem distant, or they act like they don't need or appreciate you, and it feels personal, like it says something about you as a mom.
The way they act can make you feel great one day and terrible the next. But what if that emotional roller coaster isn't actually about your big kid, but a mindset trap that's keeping you stuck in seeking validation from them? In today's episode, I'm talking about validation seeking and how to free yourself from needing your big kid to make you feel okay. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. Have you ever had one of those moments where you do something really nice for your big kid, and it's like they don't even notice? Maybe your daughter's coming home from college after being away for months, and you've been thinking about it and looking forward to her being back home. So you stock up the fridge with all of her favorite foods, and you plan her favorite meals.
You get her room ready. Maybe you even leave a little note on her bed, just to let her know you've missed her. You might also rearrange your schedule so you can be around more, just in case she wants to talk or do something.
And then she walks in the door, and she barely acknowledges you. She's on her phone, barely makes eye contact. She drops her bag at the door, says a quick hey, and then disappears into her room, like she's never really left.
And you just stand there for a second, feeling disappointed, trying to figure out what's going on. You try to tell yourself it's fine. She's probably just tired.
So you give it some time. You make dinner, thinking maybe that's when you'll get a chance to connect with her. But when you tell her it's ready, she yells out, I'm not really hungry.
I think I'm going out with friends. And then she's gone. Or maybe your big kid is still at home, still in high school.
So you ask your son about his day when he walks in the door, and he gives you that infamous one-word answer. Fine. He's giving you nothing.
So you feel that familiar urge to ask another question, just to try to get him to open up. But then you decide to let it go. But later you try again.
You knock on his door. And if he actually lets you in, you try to get in a few more questions. But he's distracted and still not really answering.
At some point, he just shuts the conversation down. He might say, Mom, I'm good. Or, why do you ask so many questions? He makes it clear he's done with the conversation.
So you walk out of the room thinking, why does it feel so hard to connect with him? When you have these interactions with your big kid, you try to shake it off. You try to tell yourself, this is normal. This is just what teenagers or big kids are like.
You might even try to tell yourself not to take it personally. But even though you can rationalize it, it still feels like a weight on your chest. And it's even more than the hurt of rejection.
There's this added pain of wondering, do I even matter to them anymore? In those moments, without even realizing it, we start looking to our kids for reassurance. We start looking to them to tell us that we're doing a good job or that we've done enough. And when we don't get that response, we can feel unsettled and disconnected, maybe even a little invisible.
You might also be a mom who's in the early stages of the empty nest, and you might have a really good relationship with your big kid. But now that they're in college and out on their own, you feel this sense of emptiness, like you can't create the connection that you want to have with them because they're not with you. They're not present with you most of the time.
And so now those positive feelings that you used to get when your big kid was home, feeling needed, feeling valuable, aren't as easy to come by anymore. Today, I want to talk about the mindset trap of validation seeking. Now, before I go any further with this, I just want to acknowledge that it can be so easy for us to judge ourselves, telling ourselves that this shouldn't bother us, that we shouldn't be needing anything or seeking any validation from our kid.
Sometimes we can think that validation seeking is only a function of insecurity. But the truth is, validation seeking actually doesn't come from insecurity. It comes from love.
Because of course you want to feel connected to your big kid. And of course it feels good when they engage with you and talk to you, when they show you their love, when they show you appreciation for everything you do. There is no question that we all receive validation from this.
And that's not a weakness on our part. That is literally just us being human. And especially in this stage of motherhood, when so much is changing, or when your role feels less clear, and your big kid is pulling away, or just trying to be more independent, or now living on their own, it makes sense that you would feel the loss of that connection.
Because for so many years, connection was easy to come by in so many ways. The reality is, for a really long time, your child has needed you. And they did respond to you and give you positive signs of love and appreciation for a really long time.
I think back to those unabandoned hugs and cuddles I used to get from my boys. And I look at the men they are now, and it's like I can't reconcile in my mind that they're the same people. As our kids grow up, those signs that they need us, or even that they appreciate us, even that they really love or care about us, those signs can feel few and far between.
And sometimes, for some of us, it can feel like they're barely there at all. So when you have those interactions with your big kid, and there's a part of you that wonders, do I still matter to them? Or if your big kid is off on their own, and you start to wonder, who am I? Or what's my value if I'm not actively being a mom? My friend, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you if you're thinking this. But there is something happening in those moments that most of us don't see.
It's not just that you want connection. It's that somewhere along the way, without even realizing it, you may have started to rely on your child's responses and behaviors to tell you how to feel about yourself. And that's what makes this a trap.
Not because wanting connection is a problem, but because when your sense of being okay, of being enough, of being a good mom, starts to depend on how your child responds to you, you're powerless to feel okay unless your child responds in the way that you hope, or unless you have those day-to-day interactions with them that reinforce those feelings. The definition of validation seeking is when you rely on someone else's response or behavior to determine how you feel about yourself. So if they respond the way that you hope, if they talk to you or open up to you, if they say thank you, if they're around you, spending time with you, you feel good.
You feel connected and appreciated, maybe even valuable, like you're doing something right. But if they're distant or distracted, they don't acknowledge you, or they're just not around, you feel off. You might feel disappointed or hurt.
You might even feel lost. And you wonder, what's wrong with me? Or what am I doing wrong? And what's tricky about all of this is that validation seeking doesn't always look obvious. It's not like you stand there thinking, I need my kid to validate me.
It looks more like those times when you check in with them, or you ask those questions, or do those nice things for them. And there's a part of you waiting to see how they respond. You're waiting for some sign, some acknowledgement or reaction that lets you know that what you did mattered, or that you matter.
Maybe it's those times where you can't wait for them to come home so that you can get filled up again, like that empty space in your heart will be filled again when they're close to you again. In those times when your big kid responds how you hope they will, and is really connected to you, you can feel relief. But when they don't, or when they're far away from you, you feel like something's been taken away from you.
And this is the trap, because it puts you in a position where your emotional experience is constantly being shaped by something you can't control, namely your big kid's moods, responses, behavior, and even their geographic location. My friend, if you see yourself in this, it's not because there's something wrong with you. In fact, it's actually how the human brain is wired.
At the most basic level, your brain is always trying to do three things. Avoid pain, seek pleasure, and conserve energy. And validation actually hits all three.
Let's start with avoiding pain. When your big kid is distant, or dismissive, or just doesn't seem interested in connecting, it feels like loss, like rejection. And your brain is wired to experience rejection and loss as a threat.
Because from a survival standpoint, connection means safety. Truly think about where the human race started, living in caves. Being part of a group meant you were protected and safe.
So even now, when we experience disconnection, even something as simple as your son shutting down a conversation, or your daughter walking past you without acknowledging you, your brain reacts to this as if it's a threat to your safety. So its reaction is to avoid that danger. It looks for solutions.
What just happened? What did I do wrong? How do I fix this? And again, that's not because you're doing anything wrong, but because your brain is trying to protect you from something that feels unsafe. Our brains also default to seeking pleasure. Because let's be honest, when your kid does respond positively to you, when they are connected to you, those times when they give you a hug and tell you they love you, when they say, thanks mom, and actually seem to mean it, it feels amazing.
And that's not even just emotional, it's chemical. Your brain releases dopamine when you experience connection and appreciation. It's your brain's way of teaching you this feels good, so do more of this.
The problem is that over time you start to associate their response with your sense of well-being. And finally, our brains also default to conserving energy. The truth is, building a sense of worth from inside yourself, deciding on purpose how you want to feel about yourself, it takes effort and intention.
And it's a skill most of us were never taught. So your brain takes the shortcut. It looks outside of you for that sense of worth.
It's essentially saying, let them tell me I'm doing okay. Or let their reaction decide how I feel. Because if they respond the way that you want, you get instant relief.
No effort required. But here's the problem. That shortcut only works when the feedback is good.
The moment it goes away, you're left feeling disconnected and uncertain. I want to also acknowledge that for us moms, this mindset trap is a particular challenge because for years, we had built in positive feedback, whether from those hugs and I love you mommies, or simply from the importance of this role. It's been so clear for so long that we were the ones keeping our kids safe and keeping them happy and on the right track.
You didn't have to look for validation. It was just there, right in front of you. So over time, your brain connected those moments to your identity.
I matter because I'm needed. I'm doing a good job because I can see the results of my efforts. But as your kid grows up, that feedback loop changes.
They need you less. The impact of your efforts are much less clear. Sometimes it even feels like our efforts go in the wrong direction.
And so it can feel like your sense of purpose and value and impact is diminishing. So let's talk about how this actually shows up in your life. Because the truth is that often validation seeking and motherhood doesn't look like what you might traditionally think of as seeking validation.
We're not looking for extra attention. We're not even directly asking our kid to affirm us or tell us we're doing a good job. It's not that obvious.
In fact, most of the time, the type of validation seeking we fall into looks like us trying to be a really good mom. It looks like us asking about their day, making their favorite meal, trying to connect. It looks like doing something really nice for them to show them you care.
But behind these efforts, you hold on to an expectation that they'll respond to your efforts. There's a part of you that's waiting or watching to see how your effort will land. You're looking for them to acknowledge that you went to the trouble of making that pasta that they love, or you hope that their face will light up because you bought them something special.
The problem is that the way you feel about the situation is dependent on how they respond. So when the response you're hoping for doesn't happen, you're not just disappointed. It feels like something's missing.
One way to think about the way we can often fall into validation seeking is through what we often refer to as people-pleasing. Essentially, changing your behavior to avoid your big kid's disapproval. And this can take many forms.
Sometimes it looks like saying yes when you want to say no. You might want to avoid conflict, so you tell them what you think they want to hear. Or you might hold back what you really want to say.
Maybe your kid asks for something and your gut tells you you should say no to set some kind of boundary, but you give in. You don't want to deal with the attitude or the pushback. Really, you don't want to feel like it will impact the relationship.
You tell yourself that keeping the peace and letting this slide is better. And sometimes that really can be true. But it's worth observing if there's also a part of you that's hoping that if you handle this situation in the right way, that they'll be happier with you.
That they'll realize how hard you're trying. That they'll give you credit for letting them off the hook or letting them get their way. You're hoping that your effort will create a bit of connection.
And so the truth is that it's not just about keeping the peace. It's the hope that your efforts will create a moment that feels good for you. Another way you can fall into validation seeking is when you're constantly thinking ahead and anticipating your big kid's needs.
The moms I work with who describe themselves as type A can often fall into this trap. On the one hand, these moms are organized and on top of things. So it's a skill set in many ways to take responsibility for things in your life to make sure they go well.
And I think as moms, many of us do this, whether we're type A or not. I had one client tell me how exhausting her daughter's college process was because she spent hours and hours researching the details of every school because she thought the more she knew, the more likely it would be that her daughter would end up in the right place. And on the one hand, this sounds smart and loving.
It looks like supporting your kid. But driving the need to know all of the things was this belief that if things go well, that means I'm doing it right. And if they don't, it will mean I didn't do enough.
It's like you're overfunctioning to chase that hit of reassurance where you can point to the outcome as proof that you got it right, that you can feel good about your efforts. Another way we can engage in validation seeking is when we try to manage how our big kid feels about us in the way we approach our conversations with them. So you might overthink what you say or how or when you say it.
You're looking for the right time when they're not in a bad mood. Before you say anything, you turn through iteration after iteration of how to deliver the message or whether to deliver it at all. Does this even matter? I mean, what's even the point? And then when you do have that conversation, you replay it in your mind, judging yourself for being too wishy-washy or maybe too emotional or too reactive.
What you're really trying to do is shape how they experience you. You want them to see you as supportive and understanding, easy to talk to. And it feels like if they respond well to your efforts, if they seem to listen and take in what you're saying rather than shutting you down or ignoring you, then you get to feel like you handled it the right way.
I literally just got off the phone with a woman who told me every time she gives her daughter advice, her daughter says she's nitpicking at her. And so I asked her, if you feel like the advice is important to give, then why does it matter if she doesn't want to hear it? Whether it's people-pleasing, over-functioning, or trying to manage your big kid's reaction. All of these are attempts to control something outside of you so you can feel better.
You're not actually trying to control your child. You're trying to control your own emotional experience. That if they respond the way that I want, if they're close to me and doing what I really want them to do, then I'll feel okay.
But just notice how this keeps you stuck. Because you keep yourself in the cycle of doing something, waiting for a response. And depending on what you get back, you either feel relief or the opposite.
And that cycle just repeats itself in the next interaction with your big kid. And just notice how in those times when your big kid is going through a phase of pulling away or shutting down, and sometimes these phases can last for a really long time, but notice how exhausting it is when you're constantly looking for that reassurance, hoping your kid will respond positively this time, but then constantly being disappointed. My friend, it's exhausting.
But also think about how tenuous your peace and well-being becomes when it depends on how your big kid responds to you. Because no matter how hard you try, this is not in your control. So let's talk about the cost of all of this.
Because while yes, some of what this looks like is us trying to be a good mom, when your sense of being okay depends on how your big kid responds to you, it comes at a price. The first cost is emotional dependence. You can find yourself constantly waiting to spend time with them or to see how they respond, waiting for some signal that everything's okay.
And until you get it, you don't quite feel settled. It's like your emotional state goes up and down depending on how your big kid behaves. I think of it as an emotional roller coaster, and being stuck on that roller coaster is exhausting.
The second cost is resentment. Because when you're putting in all the effort and doing all the things and you don't get anything back, you can feel like, I do so much and they take me for granted, or they don't even seem to care. Moms will tell me all the time, my kid doesn't see how hard I'm trying.
They don't seem to appreciate anything I do for them. You start thinking of them as disrespectful or entitled. And the worst part is you still do all the things, but your resentment builds.
And so it's no wonder that every once in a while that resentment builds to the point where it explodes and you blow up at them in ways that don't feel great. Or maybe you don't blow up, but you find yourself crying in your room, constantly wondering where you went wrong. The third cost of validation seeking is feeling disconnected from yourself.
Because the more you look to your big kid to tell you that you're doing a good job, the less you trust your own judgment. Instead of trusting your God or being willing to stand by your decisions, or simply being willing to adjust based on what you honestly think is right, you feel like you lose your compass. I can't tell you how many times moms will tell me, I just don't know what to do, or how to get them to do X, Y, and Z. The problem is you're often looking to their reactions or responses as the measure of whether or not you got it right.
And in doing that, you lose your confidence in deciding that for yourself. You can also feel disconnected from yourself because you've spent so long feeling validated by your big kid's connection and their closeness to you. And so when they do finally go out on their own, it's like you've lost a piece of yourself.
You've spent so long defining your value and your enoughness based on that connection, that closeness, those signs that you're getting from your kid that you matter. That when they're gone and you're not getting that constant validation, it's like you don't know how to find that within yourself. And my friend, here's the hardest part.
Even when you do get the validation you're looking for from your kid, it doesn't last. One day they say thank you, or they open up to you, you have a great conversation, and for a moment you feel relief. You feel connected again, like everything's okay.
But then the next day comes and they're not speaking to you, or they're not at home anymore, and you're right back in that same place waiting, hoping, needing that sign to feel good again. When you're looking outside of yourself for validation, it's fleeting and temporary. So when you really look at it, validation seeking doesn't actually create the connection or peace that you want.
It creates a painful cycle where you give and give, and then you wait, and then you feel disappointed, maybe lost, and then you react, or you judge yourself, and then the cycle starts all over again. Your emotional experience rises and falls based on something that you have absolutely no control over. So how do you step out of validation seeking? Because clearly you're not going to stop caring.
And you don't have to stop wanting connection, or appreciation, or even more of those moments with your big kid that feel really good. Of course you want those things. I do too.
The real goal is to stop looking to your child to tell you you're okay, and start creating that feeling for yourself. And that might sound simple, but if you're really honest with yourself, this is where it gets really hard. Because in those moments when your big kid is distant or dismissive, it's not just that they didn't respond the way that you hoped, or that they're not around.
It's that you're so used to deciding how you feel based on those interactions with them. When they react negatively, you think, I shouldn't have said that, or I wish I'd handled that differently. It's like you're so focused on their reaction instead of being connected to who you want to be in that moment.
For example, do you want to be a mom who shows up with patience even when your big kid has big feelings and reactions? Or maybe you want to be the mom who's confident and grounded in yourself, rather than constantly second-guessing yourself, needing to be close to your kid to feel good about who you are and why you matter. Or maybe you want to be able to speak to your big kid with honesty and love, without needing it to be perfect or to land perfectly to feel okay. Because when you're connected to those versions of yourself, your big kid's reaction doesn't define how you feel about yourself in that moment.
You do. This work is about starting to recognize, where am I looking outside of myself to feel okay? It's learning how to untangle your emotional experience from your big kid's behavior, so that you can feel steady and confident, no matter how they show up or how far away they are. And my friend, this isn't something most of us were ever taught how to do, which is exactly why so many of us get stuck here.
But this is the work we do inside of my program, Mom 2.0. I empower you to see the patterns that are keeping you stuck in the cycle of needing validation. And I teach you how to shift out of it, so that you can consistently show up as the mom you want to be, while letting your child be the version of themselves that they are right now. Sometimes that might look like setting boundaries, and other times it might look like letting go.
But either way, can you imagine being so confident in who you want to be, that you show up as the mom who loves her child unconditionally, even when it's hard and messy? My friend, the way your child responds to you is going to change, constantly. Some days they're going to be warm and open and present, and other days they're going to be distant and distracted. And that's not a reflection of your worth, it's a reflection of where they are in their own life.
But your sense of who you are as a mom, your sense of being enough, that doesn't have to rise and fall with their moods and behavior. The truth is, there will be moments where your big kid doesn't see you, and everything you do. But in those moments, you still get to see yourself.
You still get to know the kind of mom you are. And that is something that no reaction or silence or phase of their life can take away from you. And when you stop needing them to reflect that back to you, you don't lose connection.
You finally stop losing yourself in the process of trying to hold on to it. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
