THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—”I DON'T TRUST MYSELF TO KNOW WHAT TO DO AS A MOM” | EP. 248
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I was talking to a mom recently. She has a teenage daughter, and she was telling me about a situation that came up for her that weekend. Her daughter had come home past curfew, and it had been a recurring issue she was worried about for a lot of reasons.
So this mom waited up, and as the time got closer to curfew, and then past curfew with no text or call from her daughter, she felt herself getting increasingly angry. She felt like, here we go again. We've had this conversation so many times, and yet she's still not honoring the curfew.
So when her daughter finally walked in the house, she said something. You came in past curfew again, and so you lose the car for a month. Her daughter then got angry and started yelling.
She told her she was being ridiculous and unreasonable. She claimed she wasn't that late, and that her mom was overreacting, that no other moms are this strict. And so the mom felt conflicted.
On the one hand, she felt like, no, this is the boundary I set up, and I need to hold it. But then another part of her thought, well, maybe my daughter's right. Maybe I am being too strict and making too big a deal about this.
She was only 30 minutes late, and she got home safely, which is really what I care about. So then she started questioning herself. I mean, what is the big deal about this? So she told her daughter that they'd talk about it in the morning, but she could already feel herself giving in.
She wasn't sure she wanted to deal with the fallout of her daughter being angry with her. And even worse, as she was thinking back on it, sharing the story with me, she said, I just don't think I trust myself as a mom. And my friend, this is a thought I hear all the time.
And not always in these exact words, but in the way we question ourselves after we say something or don't say something or try something that doesn't go the way that we hope. You can have some form of this thought when your child pulls away and when they struggle or when they push back. And you can also have this thought when you start thinking about your role and what's next for you.
The underlying thought is, I'm not sure I'm doing this right. And even more, I'm not sure I trust myself to figure it out. What's so interesting is that this thought, like so many of the thoughts I explore on this series, it doesn't feel like a thought.
It just feels like the truth. I hear moms say things to me like, I never know the right thing to say, or I always second guess myself, or maybe other moms just seem more sure of themselves than I do. The thing is, when your mind goes here, you're not just questioning a decision you've made or that you need to make.
You're questioning yourself. You question your instincts, your judgment, even your ability to handle this stage of motherhood. Because look, it's one thing to reflect back on something you've done and think, hmm, I wonder if I handled that the right way.
But it's another to think, I'm just not good at this and I'm not capable of figuring this out. The first statement is about self-awareness and the second is actually about identity. When you think, I don't trust myself as a mom, you actually go into every interaction with your big kid already doubting yourself.
And when that happens, every interaction feels like a test. So you find yourself stuck in the spiral of second guessing yourself. And the more you question yourself, the less you trust yourself.
So how do we get here? Because I want to offer that it's quite likely that you didn't start motherhood thinking, I don't trust myself. I mean, look, taking care of babies and toddlers is hard work. Many of us don't go into our first child knowing exactly what to do.
There are plenty of times where you learn by trying and sometimes failing. And somehow, it's okay. Even when it's hard, we don't make that mean that we don't trust ourselves.
So consider that this lack of self-trust is something that can develop for us over time. It starts in those moments when something that used to work doesn't work anymore. Or your big kid reacts in ways you weren't prepared for.
And suddenly, you're not so sure what to do. It's interesting to consider that when our kids were little, it was often easier in some ways. I mean, yes, it was still hard, and you likely didn't always know what to do.
But there was a simplicity to it. Your baby cried, and there were only so many things to try to get them to stop. Feed them, change them, hold them, put them down for a nap.
So you kept trying things, and eventually, you'd find something that worked. When our kids were little, they also didn't push back. When they were toddlers, they weren't giving you eye rolls or looking at you like you were always getting it wrong.
But as our kids get older, they have opinions. And at times, they disagree with us and even push back in ways that feel really personal. And on top of all of that, it's way less clear what it even means to know what's working.
You can do all of the quote-unquote right things and still not get the outcome or response from your big kid that you want. And when that happens enough, your brain starts trying to make sense of it. And the easiest explanation it lands on is usually, maybe I'm the problem.
Maybe I don't know what I'm doing. And my friend, it can feel so true because you have evidence, right? You can point to the conversations that didn't go well. All the times that you said something and wished that you hadn't.
And there are those moments where you did let something go and later thought, well, I probably should have done something about that. Or maybe the opposite. Those times when you came down hard and then lay in bed that night thinking, well, that wasn't really how I wanted to handle that.
And the problem is, it's not just one moment we experience. It's the accumulation of many moments throughout every day and every week that don't land the way that we want with our big kids. There are also those times when our kids tell us about something we did wrong six months ago or five years ago.
And even though you're constantly trying to change and approach things differently, you can feel like nothing seems to be getting better or changing. And your brain puts all of this together and sees a pattern, really a story about you. I don't handle these things well, or I never really know what to say.
I keep getting this wrong. These hard moments with our big kids feel like proof, like objective evidence that something isn't working. But I want to invite you to consider that when you reflect back on these moments that didn't go well, you're not just remembering what happened.
You're interpreting it. You're making a judgment about what it all means. Instead of thinking that conversation didn't go the way I wanted, you instead interpret it as, I didn't do that right.
I don't know how to handle my child. Or instead of recognizing that your big kid decided to ignore your boundary, which they often do, you decide you're not good at setting boundaries. Notice the difference even between, I changed my mind and I waffle back and forth.
I'm not consistent. The more you lean into these judgments that you can't trust yourself, the more convincing these stories become. You're not just reacting to one moment, you're reacting to a version of yourself, an identity about who you are as a mom, that your brain has created over time.
And when you're in it, it doesn't feel like you're telling yourself a story. It just feels like you're being honest and self-aware. Like, no, this is just what's happening.
This is just who I am. And moms will often tell me, I really don't know what to do. I'm not making that up.
That's not a choice I'm making. That's just true. And you know what? They're right.
There are moments where you have absolutely no idea what to do as a mom. There are so many situations that don't have a clear answer. So many conversations where it's not at all clear what the right thing to say is.
And there are countless times where you feel like nothing you do seems to work. This stage of motherhood is confusing. And the uncertainty you and I are facing as moms, raising big kids, it is real.
The problem is that what your brain does is take that very real uncertainty and turn it into something about you and what you're not capable of. And through that lens, it becomes very hard to separate what's actually happening from what you're making it mean. If you find yourself in this place as you're navigating life with your big kid, and you don't know what to do, and you don't know how to trust yourself, this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
In fact, it makes perfect sense that your brain would do this. Because your very human brain is wired to want certainty. It wants to know, what's the right thing to do here? What's going to work? And how do I avoid getting this wrong? And when you don't have answers to these questions, when things feel really unclear or unpredictable, that's incredibly uncomfortable.
And your brain does not like that feeling. So it actually tries to resolve it by trying to make sense of what's happening. Your brain wants to avoid the discomfort of thinking, I don't know what to do, or how this is going to turn out.
So instead of just sitting with that uncertainty, your mind goes to, there must be a reason I don't know what to do. Clearly, I'm not capable of figuring it out. And in an odd way, there is some certainty and comfort in thinking, it must be me.
I'm the problem. Even if it doesn't feel good, it feels like an answer. And our brains prefer that certainty.
The truth is, the situations we often face with our big kids are complicated and often scary. There are real dangers in the world. Our kids do make bad decisions at times.
They do struggle. We offer what we feel like is thoughtful advice or important boundaries, and our kids ignore them. And we're left not only questioning how to respond, but we're questioning whether or not what we decide to do is even going to make a difference.
And meanwhile, the stakes are so high. This is your child, someone you love and care about more than anything else in the world. So not getting it right doesn't feel like an option.
My friend, if you ever feel like you can't trust yourself to know what to do, if you feel like you're losing confidence in your ability to navigate the stage of motherhood, and you're feeling this increasing sense that there's something wrong with you in the midst of it, consider that this is simply your mind desperately trying to create certainty in a stage of motherhood that is anything but certain. Here's something to consider. What if the problem isn't actually that you don't trust yourself? What if the real problem is that you've been defining trust in a way that doesn't actually work for this messy stage of motherhood? Most of us interpret self-trust to mean that I'll know what to do, and that because I know what to do, I'll be able to get things to work out in the way I expect them to.
So the problem with this definition is that when the conversation with your big kid doesn't go well, or when they react in ways you didn't expect, you lose confidence in your ability to make the next decision. You start to think that you can't trust yourself to do it better next time. But my friend, what if you're thinking about self-trust in a way that's not helping? Because it's pinning your success, and really your confidence in yourself, on outcomes and reactions that you can't actually control.
Because if your self-trust depends on how your big kid responds, then of course it's going to feel shaky. You're constantly looking to your kid's reaction to decide whether or not you did it right. But what if trusting yourself actually has very little to do with getting it right? Because honestly, you can do everything right and still not get the outcome you want.
You can say something so thoughtfully and intentionally to your big kid, and they could still get upset or push back. In fact, you can show up exactly how you intended to and still walk away thinking, well, that didn't go the way I hoped. None of that actually means you did it wrong.
And it also doesn't mean that you can't trust yourself. It just means you're parenting someone who has their own thoughts and reactions and emotions. And that's not a failure of you as a mom.
That's just the reality of being in a relationship with another human being. Especially one who is constantly changing and trying desperately to figure out who they are. Not only can you not control your big kid's response, but you cannot predict the future and what that will bring.
So what if you could give yourself permission to simply let all of that go and decide that the only place you truly have control is in your next decision around how you want to show up. And just consider that you can also decide ahead of time to make that decision, whether or not to say something, whether or not to hold that boundary, without needing it to go perfectly in order for you to feel okay about it. The thing is, when you define self-trust as, I'll know exactly what to do and it will work, you're setting yourself up to feel like you can't trust yourself when what you try doesn't work the way you hope it will.
But when you define self-trust as thinking, I get to decide how I want to show up here and have my back about that, but I'm also going to let go of my big kids' reaction. I understand they're going to have to feel the way they need to feel about the way I'm showing up. There is something so powerful that this creates for you because it means you're no longer waiting to feel certain before you act.
Just consider, my friend, that you always get to adjust and make a new decision because we are constantly learning and adjusting and trying to be the best version of ourselves with the new information we have. When you wait to feel certain and base your success on controlling your big kid, you stay stuck in hesitation and second-guessing yourself. But when you give yourself permission to make a decision and let go of control, this is how you move forward even when you're not completely sure.
So what are some examples of what this actually looks like? Going back to the example in the beginning, it might be setting a curfew and just following through with the consequence you set, even if your big kid is upset about it. Instead of thinking, did I do that wrong? You remind yourself, I'm allowed to set this boundary and they're allowed to not like it. Leaning into self-trust could also look like having a conversation that doesn't go the way you hope.
And instead of replaying it over and over, thinking I should have said that differently, you think, well, that didn't go the way I wanted, but what can I learn from that? Trusting yourself can also look like making a decision and then not constantly checking for signs that it was the right one. Not watching your big kid's reaction to decide if you got it right, but deciding ahead of time, this is the decision that feels right for me and I'm going to stand behind it. At the same time, self-trust also means being willing to listen.
It's not deciding that you're right all the time or digging your heels in no matter what. It's being open to hear your big kid's perspective, to take in new information and realize, well, maybe I could do this differently. Self-trust is being willing to adjust, to compromise, or even change your mind.
Not from a place of self-doubt, but from a place of trust that you always have permission to make your next best decision. And sometimes that next decision looks like changing your mind. My friend, trusting yourself isn't actually about figuring out the one right way to handle every situation.
And it's definitely not about getting it right all the time. It's truly about changing the way you relate to yourself in the middle of all of the decisions you have to make as you parent and raise your child. Because if you've ever thought, I don't trust myself to know what to do as a mom, you're likely using your child's reactions as a measure of whether or not you're doing it right.
And you've been turning very normal human moments into conclusions about who you are and what you're capable of. But nothing about what you're experiencing means you can't trust yourself. It simply means you're parenting in a stage that doesn't offer certainty.
You're in a relationship with a human being. I like to think of them as baby adults who have their own thoughts and feelings. And you're being asked to show up without knowing exactly how it's all going to go.
And my friend, I know that can be terrifying. But when you stop expecting yourself to have all the answers, you create space to actually trust yourself to figure it out. Not because you're suddenly more certain, but because you're no longer using uncertainty against yourself.
And creating this space and this self-trust is the work we do inside of Mom 2.0. Because so many of the moms I work with come in feeling like they've lost trust in themselves, like they don't know how to show up in the way that they want to. And what we do together is not give you a script for what to say or what to do. There is no formula for how to handle every situation.
But instead, I empower you to build trust in yourself. The truth is, you don't need to trust yourself to get it right all the time. You just need to trust yourself to keep showing up and figuring it out.
And my friend, one thing I know about you is that this is what you've actually been doing all along. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
