THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—“MY BIG KID DOESN'T LIKE ME VERY MUCH” | EP. 246
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
Have you ever had this experience where you feel like things are changing with your big kid, and you can't quite put your finger on it at first? Maybe it's a look they give you, or a tone they have when they answer you, or maybe it's in the way they've stopped sharing things, or the amount of time they spend up in their room. And if they live somewhere else, maybe it's just how they're not reaching out anymore. You find yourself thinking, I don't think my kid likes me very much.
And when you're having these experiences with your big kid, this actually doesn't feel like a thought. It just feels like the truth, like something you're realizing. Because it's the only way you feel like you can explain those one-word answers, or the annoyed tone in their voice.
It seems like everything you say is somehow wrong. And they think nothing of being dismissive or rude. And the connection you used to have seems to be replaced with distance.
And the worst thing is that you see them being a completely different version of themselves with other people. They open up to and laugh with their friends. They might even be more open with their dad.
They are capable of being kind, just not to you. And it's really hard not to take that personally. And once that thought is there, that they don't like me, it's pretty easy to find the evidence.
They don't text back. Well, there it is. They leave the room when you walk into it.
Well, there's more evidence. They seem irritated when you ask a simple question. Well, of course they are.
All of this just reinforces the belief that something is wrong. And that somehow it feels like it might be you. And let's be honest, thinking your child doesn't like you, it's an incredibly painful thought.
Because this isn't just anyone. This is your child, the person you love more than anything. In fact, it's someone who you've done everything for, bent over backwards, showed up for time and time again, sometimes even more than their dad, who seems to be getting better treatment.
When our kids do these things that feel so hurtful, it doesn't feel like a big leap to think that they don't like you. Your brain is trying to make sense of your kid's behavior. And when it seems clearly directed at you as their mom, it's hard to get your head around interpreting it any other way.
So there's no question that this thought hurts. But it's also really valuable to see what happens to you when you believe it. Because this thought doesn't just create pain.
It actually changes how you show up and how you see your child. And to be honest, it also changes how you see yourself. And the impact of all of this is that you start giving your power away in the relationship.
And I want to pause here for a second because power might feel like a strange word to use when we're talking about our kids. We don't usually think about power in our relationship with them, or really in any of our close relationships. Instead, we tend to think about control.
More like, how do I get them to act differently? Or how do I fix this? But when I'm talking about power here, I'm not talking about power in terms of controlling your child, or trying to get them to behave a certain way, or respond the way you want. When I talk about power, I'm talking about your ability to stay connected to yourself, and how you want to show up, and how you want to feel, regardless of what your big kid is doing. In the absence of this power, we feel helpless, really powerless to feel better, and disempowered to know how to respond.
So what I want to explore is really how, without realizing it, we actually give away our power in our relationship with our kids. The first way this happens is that you start putting yourself at the mercy of how your big kid is acting. Essentially, your emotions start to feel like they're inextricably tied to how your big kid responds to you.
It's the tone they use, or whether or not they seem open, or distant, or irritated. Really, that however they act feels like it has a direct impact on how you feel. It happens when you text them, and you see those three dots come up, and then they disappear.
You notice that pit in your stomach. It's that disappointment of hoping they would respond, and then feeling those hopes get crushed again. Or you try to connect with them.
You ask them a simple question when they come home or get in the car, and they give you that one-word answer, making it pretty clear that they're not interested in a conversation. But then you spend the next few hours ruminating about it. Or maybe you walk in the room that your big kid is in, and they don't acknowledge you at all.
You feel the weight of their negative energy, like there's some kind of poltergeist whose unhappiness or disgust is directed at you. And then there are those moments when your kid is miraculously in a good mood. They actually sit down and talk to you, or they invite you to do something with them, maybe even just to go to the mall or run an errand.
And you feel this sense of relief, like, okay, we're good. But even that relief can be mixed with a little bit of fear, like, what if you get your hopes up, and then just end up feeling hurt and disappointed again? So you find yourself on this emotional roller coaster. You feel better when they talk more or don't seem to be annoyed by everything you do.
Essentially, you feel better when they act better, but then feel terrible when they don't. And look, of course you want to feel close to your child. But when you tie your emotional experience or your sense of connection and peace, even how you feel about yourself as a mom to the way your kid acts, you're making your emotional experience dependent on something you don't have any control over.
And my friends, so many of us do this. In fact, I would go so far as to say it feels impossible not to. But just consider how powerless it feels to be in a position where you can't feel okay unless your big kid acts in a certain way.
The second way we give away our power with our big kids is that we start trying to manage the relationship. In your mind, you feel like you're just trying to stay connected. But what that actually looks like is that you're constantly throwing out lines, like you're fishing.
But you have the hope and the expectation that your kid will catch them. So then when they don't, you feel hurt and disappointed. Sometimes it looks like those questions about their day where you're fishing for an answer.
Or other times it looks like fishing for some kind of reassurance or validation. Maybe you ask them repeatedly, are you okay? You might even ask, did I do something? You try to start conversations with them even when you can tell that they're not really into it. And when they push back or give you attitude, you find yourself getting annoyed at their attitude or defensive about why you're asking questions.
You feel this need to explain yourself, to make sure they understand you. Or you could go in the other direction and just pull yourself back from your big kid. You might decide it's just not worth engaging.
Maybe it feels safer to not set yourself up for disappointment. You have this constant sense that you're walking on eggshells. You feel like you have to watch everything you say or you avoid certain topics.
In the past, you might've asked them for help with things around the house. Or maybe you might've felt more comfortable giving them advice or setting boundaries with them in the past. But now, it just doesn't feel worth it.
And the energy behind all of this is pressure. Pressure on yourself to get it right. And honestly, it also puts pressure on your kid to respond in a way that makes things feel better for you.
And the hard part is, the more you try to manage the connection to be what you want it to be, the less natural it starts to feel for both of you. The third way we give away our power with our big kids is that we stop trusting ourselves. Because you're measuring your success by your ability to change what your kid is doing.
You stop feeling secure in how you want to show up. And you instead filter your actions based on what you think will keep things from getting worse. You're essentially thinking, what do I need to say or not say so that they don't pull away even more? Underlying all of this is the hope or the belief that there's a version of you who says the right thing in the right way at the right time, and that that's the version of you that gets your child back.
And honestly, it's this kind of thinking that actually causes you to second guess yourself or overthink what you're going to say or do next. So for example, you might feel like you have something you need to bring up or address with your kid, but you stop yourself because it doesn't feel like the right time. You don't want to upset them or have to deal with their attitude, so you just decide to let it go.
Or you do say the thing, but not really the way you mean it. Maybe you soften it or try to overexplain it. Sometimes it might look like you loosening your boundaries, not because it feels right to you, but because you're afraid of what will happen if you hold onto them.
And none of this is wrong. In fact, you might decide to show up in this way on purpose, but when you're giving away your power, you notice that you feel this constant self-doubt, like you're out of integrity with yourself. You realize you're responding more out of fear than from a sense of feeling connected to who you want to be.
And then you get stuck in second-guessing yourself. Am I being too lenient, letting them get away with too much? Maybe I'm not handling this in the right way. It just feels impossible to feel confident.
And now you're not just unsure about the relationship, you're unsure about yourself. What's happening here is that you've stopped feeling grounded in your own truth of what you really believe to be right. Instead, you've started looking to your child to tell you if you're doing it right.
And just think about how unreliable a measure this is. Your big kid is still going through the messy process of figuring themselves out. They have absolutely no idea how you're supposed to parent them.
And look, that's also not their job. But just think about how often we look to them to give ourselves permission to believe that we got it right. There's one more really counterproductive way we give away our power in our relationship with our child.
When we think, my kid doesn't like me, it changes how you see your child. Because when you believe this thought, you can start to interpret everything they do through that lens. When they're quiet, it feels intentional.
When they're up in their room, it feels like they're avoiding you. And when they don't respond to you right away, it feels like they don't care. You even start discounting those moments where your kid is simply being near you, or even more painfully, discounting those moments when they do reach out to you.
So many moms have said to me, they only talk to me when they need something, and usually it's money. The problem is, you stop trusting them. And then everything they do seems to offer more evidence that confirms your belief that they don't like you right now.
So any behavior on their part that goes against that belief doesn't feel true. You don't trust it. And my friend, the more your brain looks for signs that something is off, the more signs you're going to find.
And this only makes you hold on tighter to your sense of hurt and disappointment. But what's actually happening here is that you're seeing your big kid through a filter, a filter that's shaped by hurt and fear and uncertainty. The truth is, there are so many possible reasons for your kid's behavior.
And it is very likely that many of them have nothing to do with you. They could be stressed. They could be needing space and not knowing how to ask for it in a way that feels kind.
They could also be stuck in their own head, dealing with something that has nothing to do with you. Or maybe they are annoyed at you, but they're focused on getting their own way. Or they have a misperception about how you're showing up.
But believe it or not, even in these cases, their feelings are more about them than they are about you. But when you're in this place of believing that they don't like you, your brain doesn't offer any of those alternative interpretations. It just offers you the one that feels the most personal, really the simplest, seemingly most obvious answer.
They don't like me. The story affects how you feel and how you show up. And all of this keeps you stuck, feeling hurt and interpreting their behavior through that hurt and then reacting from that place.
On top of all of this, the cycle just creates more disconnection. The very thing we desperately want to avoid. If you've ever felt this hurt or distance with your big kid, I want to invite you to consider if, without realizing it, you've done something to try to get your child to make you feel better.
It's the energy of thinking, just talk to me a little more so I can feel connected to you again. Or please don't be annoyed with me so I don't feel like I did something wrong. Ultimately, it's the energy of show me you still like me so I can feel okay.
And look, it is not at all wrong to invite connection or even to hold back to avoid conflict. But when you're coming from this energy of needing your big kid to change so you can feel close, what your child feels is pressure to respond in a certain way, to be warmer and more open, more engaged. Not necessarily because they feel that way, but because you need them to.
And that's a lot. It's a lot for anyone. But especially for a teen or a young adult who's already trying to figure out their own emotions.
They don't have the capacity to also manage yours. So it's no wonder that in response, they tend to pull back even more. Not because they don't love you, but because they don't know how to handle it.
It feels like too much. And this is actually really freeing to understand. Because you're asking your big kid to do something that they can't actually do.
We're looking to them to reassure us and give us permission to believe we're a good mom and that the relationship is still okay. But the truth is that you're not going to feel okay about the relationship unless you decide to believe the relationship is okay. There is truly no amount of reassurance or validation that is ever going to be enough unless you decide to trust in this relationship.
This is something only you can give yourself. And as hard as all of this is to sit with, it's worth considering that when our kids are hurting, they often direct that pain at the safest target. And for many of our kids, that safe target is us.
And this isn't necessarily because we've done something wrong, but because they know on some level that we're not going anywhere. They don't always have the words or maturity to say, I'm hurting or I need space. So instead they say, you're the problem.
And if we are not careful, we believe them. My friend, even if it feels so true that your big kid doesn't like you right now, I want to invite you to consider that this isn't the entire story. And your work isn't to get them to see you differently.
It's to shift how you see yourself in the face of their behavior. And my friend, this is the work we do inside of my coaching program, Mom 2.0. I teach you how to understand what's happening in your mind so that you're no longer at the mercy of your emotions or your big kid's behavior. All of this allows you to show up with more confidence and with a kind of steadiness that changes your entire experience of your relationship.
My friend, you are and always will be their mom. And even if they can't show it to you right now, that doesn't mean that the love isn't still there. But more importantly, your ability to love them and stay open, that's what creates the relationship you want.
Not by forcing it, but by keeping the door open to it. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
