(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
Thoughts moms parenting teens and adult kids are ashamed they think. It's all on me. Welcome to the Almost Emptiness Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace.
I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins. Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from, because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes.
Let's dive in. Hello, my friend. I want to go on a little bit of a rant today, because I don't think there has ever been a role in my life, other than motherhood, where I have felt so wholly responsible, and at the same time, so unbelievably alone in that responsibility.
There is something so unique about motherhood, where you take on this incredible weight to protect your kids and to guide them, to set up the basic parameters of their life in a way that supports them. I mean, it starts when you get pregnant. We're already rearranging our lives, the way we take care of ourselves, what we eat and how we live, all for the benefit of our kids.
What's fascinating is, even when you have a supportive spouse, you can still find yourself in this position where, for a really long time, if you need help, you have to ask for it. It's like we are the ones carrying the mental load of everything. What needs to be done? What could go wrong? What our kids need? Like, as moms, we become the directors of everything that needs to happen in support of our kids.
And it's almost like our partners and our kids are the employees who need to be told what to do. We're essentially the CEO of the household. Except instead of that feeling empowering, it can feel like an enormous weight.
I've had so many moms say to me, if I don't stay on top of this, everything is going to fall apart. Or no one else is thinking about this like I am. Or it's my job to make sure they're okay.
To sum it up, we're essentially thinking it's all on me. And I was thinking about this. If I were a CEO running a big company and I was having thoughts like this, it would probably mean a few things.
It would mean I didn't really trust my team. Not because they're bad people, but because somewhere along the way, I decided that if I hand something off, it might not get done the way it needs to. Or something might fall through the cracks.
So I would keep holding on to it. It would essentially mean I felt like I couldn't safely delegate without there being consequences. Like, if something goes wrong, it's still going to come back to me.
As a CEO who was feeling this weight of responsibility, like it was all on me, I might also feel like I was potentially dealing with unpredictable clients. Clients who don't always follow the plan or take the advice. Who sometimes do the exact opposite of what I think they should do.
And on top of that, I might worry that the solutions I had to offer, that they might not work in the way that I hoped they would. For example, maybe what used to work might not work as well anymore. Or what worked with one client doesn't work with another.
So I, as the CEO, would be constantly adjusting, constantly trying to figure out what worked better. All while carrying this underlying pressure that if I don't stay on top of it, there's a real risk that I could fail and everything would fall apart. I think moms are very much like the CEO of the household.
But I think what's different for us as moms is that the responsibility feels a lot heavier. Because our clients are essentially our children. Completely unpredictable and not controllable, particularly as they grow up.
And also the things that used to work with them suddenly stop working as they try to become more independent. There are also no guaranteed solutions that we can offer. There's no parenting formula that's guaranteed to work all of the time for every kid.
And you know what else? There is no giving up this responsibility. The CEO could ultimately get fired. And as moms, we're not actually afraid of getting fired.
We're just desperately afraid of failing. That somehow our mistakes could let our kids down in a way that could impact their lives forever. Unlike the CEO who could just move on to a new company, we are in this role and have to live with the consequences of our choices for the rest of our lives.
And the part that can feel unbearable is that if something goes wrong, we might not ever be able to forgive ourselves. It's all on me. And I hear this not just from moms of teens.
I also hear it from moms whose kids are in college or even beyond that. Really from any mom whose kids are struggling or not fully independent or just needing support in some way. As moms, we carry this really powerful and honestly complicated mix of emotions.
On the one hand, there's something really beautiful about this role. There's even something noble about it. The gift of being a mom, that one person in our child's life who would go to the ends of the earth for them.
We would never want to let them down if there was something we could do to support them. It's a gift to them, but it's also a gift to us. Because there is something incredibly powerful about being needed.
Consider how valuable and important it feels to be that one person your child turns to or could turn to, no matter what. When your kid is struggling socially and you're the one they come to at night or that safe place that they know they could come to, even if they don't want to talk, but they know that you'll be home, that they won't ever be alone. Or when your college kid calls you from their dorm because they're overwhelmed or lonely, they know you'll always be there on the other end of the line, a listening ear.
Or maybe your adult kid is back home trying to figure out how to be independent or navigating challenges in their relationships or with their own kids, and they come to you. They know that you'll be a safe place to land. You might be listening and thinking, well, my kid doesn't come to me like that.
They're not calling or opening up to me. But yet, I'm guessing you're still thinking about them constantly, worrying about what's going on in their life. You try to read between the lines of the little that they do share or the tone in that text.
You're also still doing what you can, watching out for them, trying to think through the right boundaries, how to approach that next conversation. You're still holding the responsibility just without the feeling of connection. And that can feel even heavier because you're carrying the responsibility while also not knowing where you stand or even what your role is.
But no matter whether your child comes to you readily or if they keep things to themselves, I think that as moms, we are the one place our kids can always be themselves. They know on some level that we're going to love them no matter what. And sometimes that means we see the hardest parts of them.
Moms will tell me they feel like their kid reaches out and just dumps everything on them and then they leave. And now you're the one holding all of it, worrying and wondering, is it really as bad as they said? Or have they gotten it all out and now they're just fine, totally unburdened? But meanwhile, I'm sitting here feeling terrible. But even in the midst of all of this, don't we still choose it? Because this role, it gives us purpose.
It makes us feel connected to something bigger than ourselves. It gives us those moments of hope where we're reminded, I do still matter in my kid's life. I think the hard truth is that when we're holding on to all of this, this responsibility and this purpose, the worrying and thinking through how to support our kids, it feels like love.
It feels like what being a good mom is supposed to look like. But there is a cost to this thought, that it's all on me. Really, there's a heavy weight to it.
And it creates this constant low-level anxiety, like your nervous system is always on alert. You're always thinking, looking for danger, trying to solve problems that haven't even happened yet. Your mind easily comes up with those worst case scenarios and then backtracks to figure out what you can do to prevent them.
Even in those moments where nothing is technically wrong, you're still feeling this pressure to fix those hypothetical scenarios. And all of this makes it really hard to relax or even to be present. Moms will describe feeling constantly depleted and exhausted.
The weight of feeling like you're the one everyone depends on, the one everything rests on. Moms will tell me they try to take care of themselves, but it never feels like enough. And in those moments when things feel especially stressful, you're not sleeping, you're constantly on edge, your brain is always working, thinking, is there something I should be doing right now? Is there something I'm missing? And what should I do if this terrible thing I'm worried about actually happens? And on top of all of this anxiety, if we're honest, we can also feel resentful.
Maybe toward your partner, because you feel like you're the one carrying the weight of everything. And they don't seem to care as much as you do. And they may even tell you that you're worrying too much, making you feel wrong for feeling this responsibility that you're sure you can't let go of without something terrible happening.
I mean, if they would just help you carry it, maybe it wouldn't feel so heavy. I also work with single moms who feel the resentment of an ex who's absolutely no help at all. The responsibility of having been the one to raise and care for your child alone, doing your best without help or support.
Sometimes even with a combative ex. It's not the life these moms envisioned, but here they are, and they're not going to give up now. But it's hard not to feel the resentment of the life that you had envisioned that was maybe a little less lonely, a little less like it's all on me.
To be honest, you might even start to resent your child. Because if they could just be a bit more responsible and make better choices, if they could just want to feel better or engage a little more or try a little harder, then maybe this wouldn't all feel so hard, like it all depends on me as the mom. I mean, at what point am I going to be able to put this responsibility down? In fact, I work with a number of empty nesters who are still waiting for that moment when they get to be free.
They'd envisioned moving somewhere else or traveling, having more free time. But suddenly their kid is back home with no clear timeline of independence, and they're left thinking, still? I mean, when is it going to stop being on me? My friend, sometimes you can even start to feel this heavy weight of disappointment in yourself. Because no matter how much you do, it never quite feels like enough.
The weight of all of this pressure and just the exhaustion of holding it all together makes it almost impossible not to react strongly when things go wrong or when your kid doesn't do what you really think they should be doing. It becomes even more than just a tough moment or a bad decision. It feels like something that could have long-term consequences.
And so we react from that place, from all of that pressure and anxiety and responsibility. My friend, if you ever think this thought that it's all on me, I know it feels true. And in so many ways, it has been true.
You have been the one who remembers everything. You have been the one who's anticipated everyone's needs. You've been the one who stepped in when something went wrong.
And you've been practicing this role for decades. And I think the other thing we really need to remember is that us being the one who is responsible has worked really well. There have been so many times where your vigilance really has averted disaster for your kids.
You have helped your child through countless struggles, from scraped knees and hurt feelings to studying for that math test, not being invited to that birthday party. You have been the one to see them through the hardest parts of their life so far. So it makes perfect sense that over time you've internalized that you are the one who holds it all together, that you're the fixer, the healer, the problem solver.
And look, your love means that you want this more than anything. And so over time, we've learned to equate our love with this responsibility. We essentially think, if I love them this much, then I should be able to make sure they're okay.
But if you can't, then what? It's an unbelievably powerless and heart-wrenching feeling to watch your kid go down a bad path and not be able to do anything to stop it. In fact, I would go so far as to say, I don't think there's anything in us as moms that can really ever get to a place of accepting this powerlessness. In our minds, there must be something more we can do.
Because what if we let go now and the very thing we didn't do, the thing we missed, is the thing that we'll later regret not doing or seeing? Regret tied up with guilt. These are two of the most gut-wrenching emotions we spend our lives as moms trying to avoid. So all of this, your love, the fear, the responsibility, the feeling that no one else is pulling their weight, it leads us to believe without question that it's all on me.
And when something feels this true, we don't question it. We don't create the space to step back and get curious about it. We just live in the reality of it.
In fact, we organize our lives around the assumption that it's the only way. But let's look at it from a slightly different angle. Because I think for so many of us moms, over time, we confuse being responsible to our children with being responsible for our children's lives.
And those are actually two very different things. Because being responsible to your child is about how you show up. It's your presence, your love, the way you listen, the way you guide them, the boundaries you set, the support you offer.
It's the relationship you build intentionally with them over time. That's you being responsible to your child. But being responsible for your child, that is something else entirely.
That's when we think that their choices and decisions and path and their happiness and struggles are all ours to manage. That if something goes wrong, it's on us. That we should have seen it and prevented it, done something differently.
And this is why this thought, that it's all on me, becomes so incredibly heavy. Look, it's true. Your role as a mom matters.
You would do anything you could to support your child. And also, you do not have control over any other human being's life, including your child's. Now, you know this intellectually, but from a practical standpoint, when it comes to your child, I know it is so hard to embrace this truth.
Because if it's not on me, then what does that mean? What am I supposed to do with that? The problem is, as long as we believe that being a good mom means making sure everything turns out okay for our kids, we're putting our peace and sense of success, even how we feel about ourselves, in the hands of something we can't actually control. We're so sure that if we just do enough, stay on top of things enough, or care enough, that somehow we can shape our child's outcomes. But what if that's not actually possible? Just consider for a moment that being a good mom isn't about controlling how your child's life unfolds, but about how you show up within it.
It's how you love them and the choices you make around how you support them. It's also about how you care for yourself when things are hard or uncertain. No matter how much you love your child, no matter how much you want to protect them, you are not in control of the trajectory of their life.
And just consider that understanding this is actually incredibly freeing. Because if you're truly able to embrace the reality of this, you can start to put down the weight of responsibility that is actually impossible for you to carry without losing yourself in the process. So what does this actually look like? If it's not all on you, if your job isn't to control the outcome, then what is your role? Because I promise that it's not to step back and walk away, or to somehow care less, as if that would even be possible.
What I want to invite you to consider is that letting go of responsibility for how your child's life unfolds actually invites you to be even more intentional in the way you show up for your child. First, it looks like no longer trying to control what happens, and instead being fully present for what is happening. Instead of constantly thinking three steps ahead, trying to prevent every possible mistake or bad outcome, you simply meet your child where they are.
What I've found is that being in this state of mind empowers me to listen instead of jumping in. And don't get me wrong, my mind will still jump ahead to those worst-case scenarios. But when I do that, I simply bring my mind back to the present moment.
And instead of making myself in charge of preventing every possible mistake, I get to be in awe of how my kids are navigating their own lives on their own terms. Sometimes it is messy. And sometimes they are doing it so powerfully.
But the number of times I have been in awe of how they handle the bumps along the road has only reinforced my understanding that this truly is their journey. And I am simply their cheerleader, here to help if they need me. The second way I choose to show up is that I decide on purpose that it is not my job to fix everything, but that I can absolutely be a source of guidance and support when needed.
I'll be honest, sometimes I still offer my opinions, even when my boys don't ask. There are times when I offer and even give support that they don't really want. But the biggest change for me is that I intentionally choose not to carry the pressure of making them take my advice or support.
I freely give it. And I also freely give them the option to ignore it. This means I get to allow my boys to have their own experience without being responsible for how it all turns out.
The third and maybe the most important choice I've made in how I show up with my kids is that I've learned how to sit with uncertainty without immediately going to fear. Look, sometimes our kids are going to struggle. And there are times when it doesn't seem like they're going to figure things out.
They absolutely will make choices and head down paths that we prefer they wouldn't take. But when you truly accept that you don't have control over those choices or that struggle, after offering the support and the guidance you think it's important to offer, all that's left is sitting in the uncertainty and the discomfort of not knowing how it will all turn out. And I know that is not easy because it actually asks you to feel things you've been trying so hard not to feel.
But when you learn how to do this, you create within yourself the strength to meet this moment as the best, most empowered version of yourself, even when things are still messy. And this, my friend, is the work I do inside of MOM 2.0. Because this shift from feeling like everything is on you to learning how to show up with intention without carrying the weight of all of the outcomes, it's actually a skill. It's not a switch that you can just turn on.
It's something you practice and build over time. And in my coaching program, I give you the tools to build this skill for yourself so that you have it for life. My friend, I know how heavy all of this feels.
I know what it's like to lie awake at night running through everything you should have said or done, wondering what you should do next, feeling the weight of guilt and regret for the things that you feel like you missed in the past. I know so well how exhausting it is to feel like you're the one holding it all together. And I also know that it doesn't have to feel this way.
You don't have to carry your child's entire life on your shoulders in order to be a good mom. And you don't have to sacrifice your own peace just to make sure that you've done enough. Because the truth is, you were never meant to carry all of this responsibility.
You were meant to love them, to guide them and support them, but not to live their life for them. Your child's life is their journey. And your role, your very important, very meaningful role, is to walk alongside them, to stay present and grounded in who you want to be, and trusting that they are capable of finding their way.
And maybe the most loving thing you can do is to finally put some of that weight down. Until next time. If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass.
There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.)
