MINDSET TRAPS OF PARENTING TEENS IN THE EMPTY NEST—TRAP #8: THE SHOULD TRAP. WHY YOU NEVER FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DOING ENOUGH | EP. 241
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do as a mom, it's just not enough? Like you should be more patient, or more present, or maybe you should be handling everything better, setting better boundaries, listening more.
But no matter what you do, you feel like you're not quite getting it right. In this episode, I'm breaking down what I call the should trap, that hidden pattern that keeps you stuck in guilt, pressure, and self-doubt, especially in the stage of raising teens and navigating the empty nest. I'll show you where these shoulds come from and why they feel so true.
And most importantly, I'll show you how to step out of them so you can feel more confident, more at peace, and actually start to trust yourself again. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I want to start with a question, and it's one I'm going to come back to throughout this episode, so just let it sit with you for a moment. What do you think makes a good mom? As a response, let me share some of the things I hear all the time from my clients, and honestly, from my own brain too. A good mom should support her kids, but not so much that they become dependent on you.
She should be patient, and she should definitely not lose her temper. She should trust her team, but she should also not be naive. She should give her big kids space because they're growing up and need independence, but she should also stay connected to them and make sure she's spending a lot of quality time with them.
A good mom should set boundaries, but she should also not be controlling. She should encourage independence, but not let her kids struggle too much. She should check in, but not nag.
A good mom should know when to speak up, but also know when to say nothing. She should be available, but also have her own life because it's annoying when she's only focused on her kids. She should feel grateful because nothing is really wrong.
This is just what this stage of motherhood looks like, but she should also stay alert because what if she's missing something? A good mom should know what she's doing, and if she doesn't, she probably shouldn't let anyone see that. Just take a moment to take all of that in. When I think about all of those statements, they all feel true, and yet, when you state them all in this way, the list doesn't even make sense.
It's contradictory and literally impossible to get right. And yet, these are the thoughts I hear from moms all of the time. And again, it's not just the moms I coach.
These thoughts come to my own mind as well. But more than just thoughts, these are actually rules we have for ourselves as we parent our kids. Essentially, they're invisible expectations we have for ourselves that we're constantly evaluating ourselves against.
And whenever we fail to meet one of these expectations, when we break one of these rules, which is impossible not to do since the rules are all so contradictory, but when we let ourselves down and sense that we did it wrong, then we feel guilty, sometimes even ashamed. So today, I want to talk to you about the should trap. It's that voice in your head that tells you what you should be doing, or how you should be feeling, or who you should be as a mom.
And in some respects, it sounds like trying to meet these expectations is what being a responsible mom looks like, what you should always be striving for. But in reality, these shoulds are judgments. And instead of helping you be the best version of yourself, they keep you stuck in guilt and self-doubt.
So today, I want to walk you through how this mindset trap works and how it's magnified by other traps like perfectionism and personalization. But most importantly, I'm going to share how you can break free of this trap so you can drop the guilt and start to create more trust in yourself. So let me start with a story.
Imagine your big kid is struggling with something. And maybe you can even think of a current example in your life. Maybe they're struggling with school.
Maybe their grades aren't great. They're missing assignments or really struggling with tests. You try to remind them to study.
You try to offer support or tutors. But nothing seems to change. Or maybe your kid is struggling socially.
They don't have many close friends. Or they're dealing with friendship drama. And you can see how much it's bothering them, even if they don't want to talk about it.
Or maybe you just have this sense that your kid isn't okay. Maybe they seem withdrawn or depressed. They're not connecting with you.
They're just not themselves. And so as a mom, you see these signs, and you naturally want to help. You start trying to find an opening to ask questions, to find out what's going on.
You try to offer support or suggestions. You try to casually drop comments like, did you talk to your teacher? Or maybe, why don't you try reaching out to that new kid? Or, hey, why don't you get up and get dressed, go on a walk, get some fresh air? You're just trying to be helpful. But they shut you down.
Or they say, I know, mom. And then still nothing changes. It's the worst feeling.
You feel powerless. But you can't do nothing. So I'm guessing you know what comes next.
Your mind starts spinning. First, you blame yourself, thinking, how did this happen? What did I miss? You start digging through the past, thinking of all of the things you should have done to prevent this. Then you start thinking about what you're supposed to do now.
How can you get them to open up more? Should I reach out to the teacher? Should I set a boundary here to get them to study more? How can I encourage them to get out of the house, make new friends? How should I get them out of this funk? The thing is, you're not just dealing with the discomfort of watching your child struggle. You're also carrying this weight of trying to figure out what you're supposed to do about it. And let's be honest, we often think there must be a right way to handle this.
Like if you could just say the right thing or take the right approach, then you could fix it. But then when no matter what you try doesn't work, you're left not only feeling frustrated, it feels like you're getting it wrong. I want to invite you to notice how the situation causes you to fall into multiple traps at once.
First, your mind makes it about you. When you think, did I do something wrong? Is this my fault? That's personalization. When you take something that may not actually be about you and make it mean something about you.
But at the same time, your brain goes into problem-solving mode, trying to figure out the right way to handle the situation. And again, it feels like if you could just get it right, then everything would be okay. And that's the trap of perfectionism.
Not in the sense of trying to be perfect, but falling into the trap of thinking there's a right way and ultimately fearing not finding it. Then comes the trap that ties it all together. The judgment that I should be handling this better, or that I should know what to do, or that I should have done things differently in the past.
This is the should trap. It's that voice in your head that tells you that whatever you're doing right now, it's not enough. So you're not just experiencing your child's struggle.
You're carrying guilt and pressure and self-doubt. So let's take a step back for a moment, because if you've ever found yourself in this situation, I know it doesn't feel like a choice. Your mind goes to these places automatically, without conscious thought.
And so if you can relate, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you that your mind does this. Because the truth is, this is actually how your brain is designed to work. Here's the thing.
Your brain has one primary job, to keep you safe. And the way it does that is by constantly scanning for anything that feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or potentially painful. And when it finds something, like your child struggling or pulling away or just not being okay, it goes to work trying to solve for that problem.
And one of the ways it does that is by creating rules, little guidelines that say, if you do this, then you'll be okay. Or if you handle this the right way, you can avoid pain. Your brain is always trying to help you avoid pain, seek comfort, and conserve energy.
This is what they call the motivational triad. So when something feels off with your child, your brain automatically tries to avoid the pain of that. It looks for what went wrong and then how to fix it.
Our brains also naturally default to seeking comfort by believing there's a right way to handle the situation. Because again, if there's a right way, then there's a solution. Our brains also conserve energy by creating these shortcuts, these simple rules like, I should do this or I shouldn't do that.
Our ways, our brains make things simpler. So we don't have to sit in the discomfort of not knowing what to do. But here's the problem.
These shoulds aren't actually solving anything. They're built on the assumption that you're doing something wrong and that you're responsible for fixing it. So the conclusion must be that if things aren't getting better, you must need to do something differently.
What I've seen so often in my work with moms of big kids is that this is a pattern that shows up everywhere in this stage of motherhood. As I shared before, when your child is having a hard time, academically or socially or emotionally, your brain goes to, I should know how to help them. I should be doing more or I shouldn't let this happen.
Essentially, you're thinking that their struggle means you're not doing something right. But you know what's also so incredibly hard about this is that at the same time you're should be doing more. You might also be thinking, or maybe I should let them face natural consequences or I should let them work it out on their own.
Notice how we make ourselves wrong for not doing enough, but also wrong for wanting to do too much. This internal contradiction also happens when you have the sense that your big kid is pulling away. They stop talking or they just give you those one word answers.
And you get the sense that the relationship feels different. And so, of course, as moms, we don't want that either. So we start thinking, I should try harder to connect or I should know how to reach them.
But at the same time, you might be thinking, I shouldn't take this so personally. So now we're not just feeling disconnected. We're judging ourselves for how we're handling it.
Some of us also face moments with our big kids when they push back, when they argue or they ignore boundaries. And then our brains go to, I should be stricter. I shouldn't let this slide.
And also, I shouldn't let them trigger me in this way. I should be the adult. I should know how to handle this.
You can even fall into this trap when everything with your big kid actually seems to be okay, when things are relatively calm. But somehow inside you still feel anxious or unsettled. Then your brain goes to, I should be grateful.
Everything's okay. I shouldn't be feeling anxious. And now you're not just feeling your emotions, you're judging yourself for having them.
And this shows up a lot for moms as they transition to the empty nest. As your kids need you less and you start thinking about your own life, your brain might go to, I shouldn't feel so lost. Your brain might go to, I shouldn't feel so lost or sad.
Or I should be doing something more meaningful. Instead of just allowing our feelings or giving ourselves the space to imagine the possibilities of our life, we feel pressure, like we're doing it wrong. When you step back and look at all of this, it's not just that we have should thoughts.
It's that these shoulds are shaping how we experience almost every part of our life. And these shoulds aren't actually guiding you. They're just a way you judge yourself.
They put you in this impossible position where success feels always out of reach. Because no matter what you do, your mind seems to always be telling you that you should be doing something different. So let's talk about the cost of these shoulds.
Because when we don't take the time to question these traps, it's easy to think that this is just how we motivate ourselves or how we try to be better. But the truth is, when your mind is constantly telling you what you should be doing, especially in situations where the outcome isn't fully in your control, you never actually get to feel like you're doing enough. Even in those moments where nothing is obviously wrong.
Even when you're showing up in a way that you actually feel good about, there's still that little voice telling you it should be better. And let's face it, my friend, this is exhausting. You feel constantly guilty because you're measuring yourself against this impossible standard.
You feel more anxious because there's always something you think you should be doing or fixing. And you also doubt yourself. Because if your brain is always telling you you're getting it wrong, how could you possibly trust yourself? And it's hard enough that these shoulds just make you feel terrible.
But they also impact how you show up. Because when you're in that energy of pressure and self-doubt, you're more likely to overthink everything and second-guess what you say and do. You either push harder or pull back.
And you do all of this from this desperate energy of trying to get it right. And meanwhile, instead of just being in the moment with your child, instead of just being present and supportive in the face of whatever challenges in front of you, you're in your own head, trying to figure out what you should be doing differently. And the worst part is, you can be doing so many things right and still feel like it's not enough.
So what do we do with all of this? Because the reality is, you are not going to rid your mind of these should thoughts. I wish I could tell you otherwise. But in fact, we could just make it one more way we judge ourselves, that I shouldn't think should thoughts.
The simple truth is that we all have them. So rather than telling yourself you're also wrong for thinking this way, the invitation here is just to start noticing these thoughts, to hear that voice in your mind, and recognize it for what it is. It's not the truth.
It's actually a habit your mind has learned. And one of the simplest, most powerful ways to begin breaking this habit is just to ask yourself, says who? When your brain tells you I should set a boundary, says who? When you think I shouldn't feel this way, says who? Or when you think I should know what to do, says who? And please don't do this in a way that creates more judgment, but simply from a place of curiosity. Like you're stepping back and questioning a rule that you've been following, and you're giving yourself permission to question if it even makes sense.
Because when you give yourself permission to question these rules, you start to see that a lot of them aren't actually rules that you would choose on purpose. Some of them feel true, because you've internalized them throughout your life. Maybe some of them come from how you were raised, or what you watched your mom do, or maybe what you wished she'd done differently.
Maybe they come from your perception of what a good mom is supposed to be. We get these shoulds from other moms and social media. Throughout every single day, we're bombarded with these messages about what you should be doing, what your kid should be doing, and what it's supposed to look like if you're doing it all right.
And frankly, some of these shoulds just come from our very human brain that doesn't like uncertainty or discomfort. We would so much rather believe that there's a right way to do things than sit in the discomfort of really not knowing. So in the face of all of this, our mind has simply created these rules.
If I do this, I'll be okay. If I handle this the right way, everything will work out. But when you really start to look at these rules, you may realize many of them don't even make sense.
Because the hard truth is, there isn't one right way to handle any of this. There is no perfect response. There's no strategy that guarantees you're going to get it right, or that everything's going to be okay.
There is just you doing your best, navigating your big kid's struggles and emotions while trying your best to navigate your own. My friend, it's a lot to carry. And on top of all of that, you're watching someone you love more than anything face challenges you can't fix and make choices that you don't control.
What I've found, both in my own life and in the work I do with moms every single day, is that the hardest part isn't just what's happening with our kids, it's what's happening in our minds. The emotional experience we have in the face of all of this, the pressure and anxiety and self-doubt. What I've learned is that when you understand what your mind is doing, and how your mind directly impacts your emotional experience, this is when you gain the power to break free of these mindset traps.
The simple reality is that you can't control your child's experience, but you can change your experience of it, so that you feel more steady and confident, even when things are messy or uncertain. This is the work we do inside of Mom 2.0. It's not a parenting program, and it's also not another list of shoulds. This program is a path to becoming a mom who trusts herself, to becoming a woman who understands her mind and knows how she wants to support her child, without carrying unnecessary, unhelpful pressure, guilt, and responsibility.
And my friend, this changes everything. So to start, I want to invite you to notice the next time your mind offers you a should, that voice telling you you should be doing more, or doing better, or just doing it differently. And instead of immediately believing it, just pause and ask yourself, says who? My friend, you get to make whatever choice you want to make, but question the should.
Create a little space between you and that voice, because in that space, that is where your power is. That's where you get to decide what you actually believe. That's where you get to choose how you want to show up.
My friend, there is no one right way to do this. There's just you doing her best, figuring it out, and that is enough. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
