WHY IT'S SO HARD FOR US TO STOP PUTTING OURSELVES LAST AS MOMS WHEN WE'RE PARENTING OUR TEENS AND EVEN WHEN WE GET TO THE EMPTY NEST | EP. 237
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
If you're a mom who's spent years parenting kids and putting everyone else first, you might expect that once your kids grow up and you find yourself in the empty nest, life will finally open up for you. But many moms discover that the habit of putting themselves last doesn't go away. It just follows you into the next stage of motherhood. In this episode, I share a realization I've been having about how easy it is to keep postponing joy, even when our kids no longer need us in the same way. I'll talk about the fears that make letting go of responsibility feel so uncomfortable. So if you're navigating a new chapter of motherhood, it might be time to start creating space for yourself again. Let's figure out what's standing in your way. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I have a confession. Lately, I've been noticing something about myself that feels both familiar and uncomfortable. I've been putting myself last.
Really, what I've been doing is putting off time for joy. The truth is that many days, my needs, or essentially the time I spend simply slowing down to take care of myself, that time seems to be getting put off to the end of the day or the end of the weekend. And I've been feeling kind of bummed about that.
What's striking to me is that I thought I'd already learned this lesson. I mean, I thought this was something we do when our kids are little, when they truly needed us every minute and it was easy to put ourselves last by default. I mean, it made sense back then.
But now I'm an empty nester. I thought it would be different. I mean, look, both of my boys are in college.
They don't need me in the same way that they used to. Although I'm still surprised how many times throughout the week or month I'll get that call where I need to drop everything and support them in some way. And look, I don't have to.
I want to be there for my kids when they need me. But there's also plenty of other time where they don't need me. And no one's putting demands on my time other than myself.
And since this is something I'm experiencing right now, I wanted to talk about it and coach myself through it with you because I recognize how often I see the same struggle in so many of the moms I work with. And the truth is, this problem of putting ourselves last isn't limited to that time we spend raising our kids. In fact, it can continue well beyond the time our kids leave the nest.
Just this morning, I had a call with a grandmother who reached out because she feels exhausted by the demands of her kids and her grandkids. So for me in my life right now, although of course I want to support and care for my boys in whatever way I can, the truth is my focus has shifted toward serving moms through coaching and building this business. And it is such meaningful work.
But I'm noticing that with the demands I'm honestly putting on myself to create all of this, joy becomes something I focus on with whatever time is left over. And when I look at this really honestly, no one is forcing this on me. It's a choice I'm making.
And yet somehow it doesn't feel like a choice. And again, I see this same dynamic in so many of the women I coach. For so many of us, when we were raising our kids, of course they came first.
We organized our lives around that school calendar. Anytime our kids needed us, we dropped everything. It almost felt like an inevitable part of motherhood that we said to ourselves, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I'll focus on myself later.
I'll get back to myself when they're older. And here's the interesting parallel. Right now, building this business feels like my mission, just like raising my kids was my mission.
But underneath both of these experiences is the same premise, really, that I get to relax and find joy once the mission is complete. That underlying thought is, I go last. The focus on me comes later.
I was coaching a mom the other day on this exact issue. One of her primary goals is to start focusing on herself again. Her kids are out of the nest, and yet she still feels pulled in so many different directions, supporting her kids, dealing with family dynamics, caring for aging parents.
She recognized that she'd fallen into this pattern of putting herself last, but she wasn't sure how to change it. As we were talking, I pointed out to her that it sounded like she was carrying a tremendous amount of responsibility for everyone in her life. And I asked her, what's keeping you from letting go of some of that responsibility? And without thinking, she said, fear.
The truth is, when you start to imagine pulling back, even just a little bit, when you imagine creating more space for yourself, whether that means doing less for others, or just saying no, or maybe even putting things off, it doesn't feel freeing. It feels irresponsible. It feels like you're going to drop the ball.
When you find yourself in this place and try to slow down and listen to what comes up for you as you think about letting go of that responsibility, there are so many different fears that can be wrapped up in that. There's the fear of consequences, that if I don't stay on top of everything, something will fall apart. My kids will struggle.
And in my case, when I think about pulling back, I think if I do, the business won't keep growing, that I'll stop building momentum. There's this underlying belief that your constant attention is the thing holding it all together. We can also fear not having done enough.
And this is a big one for us moms. What if one day I look back and I think, I could have done more? What if something goes wrong with your kid and you trace it back to this moment, the moment you decided to focus on you, to let go a little bit more? You almost feel this preemptive guilt, like you're trying to protect yourself from future regret by overfunctioning now. And then there's the fear of letting people down.
I mean, of course you don't want to let down your kids or anybody else you love. And I feel this in my work as well. I care deeply about the women I serve, and I want to do this work well.
And so I have this fear that if I don't give everything I have, I won't live up to the promise I've made, both to myself and to the people I work with. And so whether you fear letting down your kids or your husband or your relatives or whoever it might be, that underlying thought is, if I pull back and focus on me, somebody is going to suffer. We can also fear judgment.
I've had clients say to me, I'm afraid of doing this thing that's meaningful to me because I'm afraid people will think it's frivolous. Like, why are you spending time on that? I've worked with women who fear that their husbands will judge them if they're not doing something productive after the kids leave home, as if the way they choose to spend their time will make them look selfish or lazy. And even if no one is actually saying these things, we imagine they're thinking them.
And on top of all of this, we can fear losing control, that if we take our eyes off the ball, we might miss something, that there could be a bigger mess to deal with later. What I'm often thinking is that if I carve out time for myself now, I'll just have to make it up later. And I notice that in myself again and again.
When I think about putting off any of my tasks, my mind says, well, fine, but you'll have to do it tomorrow, on top of all of the other things you need to do. It's almost as if investing in joy creates a kind of debt that you have to pay it back later. And here's another interesting one I've seen in my clients.
If I create that space, what will I actually feel? Because when you stop being needed, when you stop focusing on all these tasks that keep you busy, there's quiet. And in that quiet, you might find loneliness, or uncertainty, or the question, who am I without this role? Sometimes staying busy is a form of protection. Like if I stay needed, I don't have to face that empty feeling.
I won't have to deal with the discomfort of not really being sure of what I want. And notice how fear can disguise itself as responsibility. We tell ourselves, I'm just being a good mom, or a good wife.
Or in my case, I'm just being disciplined, building my business. But when you really peel it all back, so often it really is fear driving the weight of this responsibility. And my friend, it feels noble in a way.
It can feel like love when we're thinking about our kids, like what you should be doing. But I want to offer that defaulting to putting yourself last in service to these other goals is not the same as making an intentional choice about how to invest your time. I think when we live inside this pattern of putting ourselves last, we can get stuck in something I've started thinking of as delayed gratification syndrome.
I mean, on the one hand, delayed gratification can be powerful. For example, sometimes it's better to save now so that you can invest later. Or you might want to put off the gratification of sleeping in so that you can invest that time in getting up to work out, for example.
Because that's another form of self-care that might feel painful in the short run, but has many benefits in the long run. Motherhood itself is such a huge example of delayed gratification. I mean, pregnancy alone, nine months of giving up your body for the gratification of giving birth to a tiny human who honestly requires that you continue to put yourself last for a really long time.
And yet, despite all of that effort, it's all worth it. But if you're not careful, delayed gratification can be a way of postponing your life. It's when you start living in once.
I'll relax once the kids are settled. I'll focus on myself once everyone's okay. I'll carve out joy once the business gets to a place where I want it to be.
Once, and another once. And the next day, another once. And here's what I'm noticing in myself.
That once keeps moving. There is always another milestone or another problem to solve. In fact, I was laughing with a coach friend recently because she reminded me that years ago, when I just was starting out and had a few clients and had barely started this podcast, I was already saying, I'll relax once I feel more established with my business.
Fast forward to now, and I'm in a place that I couldn't have even imagined at the time. And I'm still telling myself, I'll relax once. That goalpost keeps shifting.
Because here's the thing, you can always find another way to improve, another way to serve, or another problem to deal with. And if your nervous system equates rest and focusing on yourself with risk, you will never feel finished enough to deserve joy. And my friend, this is a trap.
Because joy becomes the reward that you can't enjoy until you've accomplished that one more thing. Joy becomes the reward for completion. But motherhood is never complete.
And the love and concern you have for the people in your life never ends. And if you have a big goal, there is no limit to what you might hope to accomplish. So if joy is always the reward you're waiting to give yourself at the end, but that end never comes, then joy stays permanently out of reach.
And that's what I'm grappling with right now. I don't want to wake up in five years and realize I'm still putting off joy, waiting for later. And my friend, I wonder if you might be doing this to yourself too.
Telling yourself, I'll focus on myself when the kids are out of the house, and then the kids are out of the house, and there are still things to deal with. The stress of your kid adjusting to college, your parents getting older, then there are health scares, or that darn closet, or that basement you've been telling yourself you'll clean out forever. There is always something.
And if your default setting is, I go last, life will always give you a reason to justify putting yourself there. So the question really becomes, what will it take for you to give yourself permission to carve out time for you? And if you're really honest with yourself, do you really believe that you're allowed to experience joy while things are still unfinished? Because the reality is, they will always be unfinished. There is another layer of this that's interesting to explore.
The truth is, these responsibilities that we have in our life, they give our life structure. Raising kids is a huge central organizing force of our life for a really long time. But supporting others and responding to their needs can also give your life structure.
It gives you something to do that you don't really have to think of yourself. Important tasks that you build your day around. In the same way, I've found building this business has also created a significant amount of structure in my life.
And when you have structure, you have clear tasks, clear problems to solve. The expectations of what you want to accomplish are straightforward, or at least you don't have to spend a lot of time thinking about them. And it is possible to find comfort in that.
I mean, when you're raising kids, you don't wake up in the morning wondering what needs to be done. And as I'm building this business, I've created so many different ways to serve and connect. I have clients to support and podcasts to record, something on social media to post.
There is always something to do. And when you have this clear mission in mind, whether it's raising kids or supporting your family or building something, these things can feel important and purposeful. And there is a certain comfort in that, because you don't waste time questioning your value or the importance of how you're spending your time.
And it's important to recognize the reason that's true is because we've decided ahead of time that that work is important and meaningful. But joy is somehow different. Joy doesn't come from a to-do list.
And it's different even than what you might experience if you feel accomplished in doing something. True joy requires you to ask a question that can feel uncomfortable, which is, what do I really want? And it's surprising how hard that question can feel, because if you've spent years organizing your life around other people's needs, or even around work or professional or other personal goals, you may not have practiced choosing based on desire. In fact, your default is actually to plan your days around responsibility.
Even this morning, as I was looking at my calendar, I asked myself, okay, how could I carve out joy today? And my mind immediately answered, you don't have time. But you know what's so funny about that is the real issue is never time. I mean, we each get the same 24 hours every single day.
That is simply a circumstance. And honestly, if something urgent came up, like if one of my boys needed me, or if a client had an emergency, if there was something truly important that I had to do, there is no question that I would find the time. You make time for the things that you think are important.
So the issue isn't time. The real issue becomes how to be intentional about how you invest that time. And before you can even do that, you have to be honest with yourself about what's holding you back from carving out that space for joy for yourself.
And why is it uncomfortable to make that choice? Because even when I try to imagine carving out even 30 minutes today, I notice resistance in my mind. My brain wants to simplify it and make it about time. Even that 30 minutes isn't enough time to find joy, so why bother? But as I noticed all of this resistance, I asked myself, what am I afraid will happen if I shift my focus and make that time for me? Am I afraid something will fall apart? Or that someone will be disappointed? Am I afraid that if something goes wrong, or that when I'm making up for that time later, I'll look back and think, you should have done something differently today.
You should have worked harder. And you know, that one hits home a little bit. I think for so many of us, we over-function now to protect ourselves from future regret.
We think if we just stay responsible and vigilant, then at least later we can look ourselves in the eye and say we did everything we could. But honestly, I think there's an even deeper layer here. And this is one I've been grappling with for a really long time.
There is a part of me that feels like my value comes from being productive. From getting things done and making things happen. From feeling needed.
And I'm not actually even someone who seeks validation from others. I used to. But now, it's honestly so much more about the hurdles I make myself jump through to earn that validation from myself.
It's the standards I hold myself to. It's honestly this belief that somehow I have to earn my own approval. And that if I slow down, or create space where I'm not making progress, where I'm not being productive, if I choose joy before everything's finished, it can feel like I haven't earned it yet.
And again, I don't think I'm alone in this. I think so many of us as moms shift from seeking validation from the outside world to becoming our own worst critic. Because at the end of the day, it is always us who's deciding what's enough.
Whether we did enough today, or whether the way we spent our time was valuable. Because there isn't actually some external force that gives us a grade at the end of the day. We are always the one deciding what's enough.
So here's the thing. If I'm the one setting the bar, then I'm also the one who can move it. Either further away, always just out of reach, or to a place where I can decide to have both.
That I can be productive and make space for joy. That making time for myself is just as worthy. And to be honest, maybe even equally, if not more important an investment, to me achieving my goals.
Making time for yourself isn't a distraction from your mission, but a critical part of it. When you think about it this way, choosing joy and space to care for yourself and your needs, it's not indulgent. It's actually strategic.
Because when you are constantly worried that you're not doing enough, you are already feeling behind. You're already operating from a place of pressure. And this pressure shows up in the way we relate to our kids.
It shows up in how impatient we can be, or how frustrated or anxious we are when they're not getting it yet. And it definitely shows up in the presence we bring to our effort. Whether that's in how present we are with the people we love, or how present and connected we are as we do our work or pursue our goals.
If you're already approaching your life feeling exhausted and depleted and behind, are you really doing your best work? The truth is, and I know this for myself, when I make space for joy, for laughter and rest, time to just be present with myself, maybe even time to invest in my own growth, even if at first that choice doesn't feel comfortable because it doesn't seem productive, I'm reminded how critical making that space is to continuing my mission. And if your mission is raising or launching your big kids, or caring for other people in your life, being the best you can at work, or creating something new, joy fuels your ability to be fully connected to that mission too. It gives you space to build yourself back up.
It actually can make you more creative and more open. In fact, it empowers you to live more fully into the version of yourself who you really want to be in every area of your life. Joy isn't a reward you have to wait for after everything is done.
It's actually the fuel that allows you to show up to your work and responsibilities as the most powerful version of yourself. My friend, if you're listening to this and recognizing yourself in it, the pressure you put on yourself, the weight of the responsibilities that you have a hard time letting go, navigating all of this is the work we do inside of MOM 2.0. In this coaching program, you learn how to understand the beliefs that are driving how you show up to your life so that you can love and care for the people in your life and pursue the goals that you set for yourself at the highest level without losing yourself and your joy in the process. For so long, I lost myself in the responsibility of raising my kids.
And I don't say that with regret. I have loved being a mom. But a number of years ago, I saw that I had defaulted to believing that I had to put myself last.
And as I recognized that, I was able to shift that mindset as a mom. But it is so fascinating how the mind works, because I find myself back in that same place now. It's a new mission.
I have even bigger goals. But that same mindset that joy is something I have to earn once everything is done, is coming back to challenge me to learn this lesson at a new level. The truth is, you can always lose yourself in the responsibilities and the busyness of life.
But it doesn't matter what stage of life that you're in. The circumstances don't drive how you approach your life. Your mind does.
And so today, as I've worked through this with you, I'm reminded that I get to choose what matters. And today, I'm going to carve out space for something that feels joyful to me, even if nothing is finished. Even though the to-do list is still a mile long, the work will always be there, and our kids will always need us.
But my life is happening now. And if I want to be present in all of it, both loving the people in my life, serving my clients well, building something meaningfully, embracing all of the beauty of my life, I cannot keep postponing joy. In fact, I need to remember to practice it, to choose it intentionally.
My friend, how might you approach today differently if you could carve out space for joy? Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
