THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—“I ONLY HAVE A FEW MONTHS LEFT WITH MY BIG KID AT HOME” | EP. 236
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I only have a few months left before my kid leaves home. I remember thinking this constantly during my boy's senior years in high school. It probably hit me the hardest with my oldest.
There were so many moments when I would think, This is the last first day of school. This is the last homecoming. This is the last Christmas when he'll be here and I won't be waiting for him to come home.
Everything felt like a last. And I remember there wasn't a time when someone would mention graduation or the college process, and I wouldn't get teary. It just felt like time had all of a sudden sped up.
Like, how did we get here? Time when my boys were little seemed to stand still. And high school went by in a blink. Somehow, inconceivably, we were on the brink of saying goodbye to our baby.
With my oldest, I think it hit me particularly hard because we'd been through a lot in high school. Or maybe I should say, we'd been through a lot separately in high school. And even during his senior year, we still hadn't found our way back to each other.
So on top of the sadness I felt about him leaving was this sense that I needed to make the most of the time. That I needed to repair a relationship before he left. That there was something I needed to fix.
And I was running out of time. To be honest, I felt this deep sense of urgency. This comes up all the time in my conversations with clients.
Of course, it comes up with moms of juniors and seniors when graduation feels like it's just around the corner. But it also comes up with moms whose kids are much younger. Because when your kid is already pulling away, or distancing themselves from you, or pushing back in ways that worry you, you can feel this pressure.
Even when you still have years with them at home. You think, I've got to fix this before they leave. So many moms have said to me, I'm afraid they're just going to leave and that that'll be it.
I'm afraid they won't come back. That they'll never call. That we'll just drift further apart.
And look, for some families, this does happen. I also coach moms whose adult children have pulled away and aren't communicating. And so when you already see that happening when they're still at home, when they start to shut you out, or stop opening up to you, or including you in what's going on in their life, or when they tell you that you've done something that makes them not trust you, it can truly feel like the damage has been done.
And my friend, I want to honor that there is real grief in all of that. I also know from personal experience that it's hard not to blame yourself. It's hard not to think about the conversations you want to have and how to find your way back in.
You can spend hours thinking about all of the things that you should have done differently. We also catastrophize into the future. What if this is just the beginning? What if this is what our relationship is going to be forever? I remember feeling that sense of pressure.
And I see this reflected in so many moms that I work with. This desire to fix it before it's too late. Because it feels like if you don't, it might never be fixed.
The thing is, when you're thinking, I only have a few months left, or even a few years left, it creates this feeling of urgency. And urgency is sneaky because it feels loving and responsible. This pressure feels like it's coming from this instinct to be a good mom.
But this pressure we feel can tend to show up in the ways that we connect with our kids in a few very different ways. The first comes into play when we feel a sense of tenseness or disconnection in our relationship with our kids. This urgency leads us to feel an intense desire to repair the relationship before they leave.
And I remember feeling this with my oldest. I felt so much grief, even when he was still at home, because it felt like I'd already lost him. I could see it in the ways he would avoid making eye contact.
I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that at times I noticed I was pulling back in fear that I'd make things worse. But at the same time, I didn't want to give up. I could sense being pulled between two extremes.
Intense grief that I'd somehow lost my son, even though he was still right in front of me. But also this panic. Like, I can't let things end this way.
I can't let him leave and pull further away. And I see this happening with moms all the time. We're constantly on edge, trying to figure out how to say the right thing, how to get our kid to open up.
Maybe we wait for the right moment. I've even seen moms try to change themselves to accommodate their kids' preferences. Like if we can just stay in line and not piss them off more.
But somehow that will repair the connection. And my friend, it becomes exhausting. And it also feels devastating.
You look at the 16 or 17 or 18 years that you have dedicated your life to raising this human, and yet you can feel discarded. I remember feeling a sense of disbelief. Honestly, if anyone else in my life treated me this way, I would have walked away from the relationship a long time ago.
But of course we stay, because there is nothing that's going to make us walk away from our child. But we also don't want this to be the story. So look, it makes so much sense.
We feel grief, hurt, and a real fear that if we don't repair this relationship now, it might never be repaired. And as you count down to the time when they leave, it puts even more pressure on every interaction. You're not only judging your every move, but you're waiting and watching your child for their response.
And what we don't often realize is that our urgency creates a certain amount of pressure for our child too. They can feel it. They feel the weight of you needing something from them.
And even what you're looking for is simply love and closeness. That pressure that we unintentionally put on our kids doesn't actually create safety and a desire for them to connect back with us. And you see it, because even your best efforts seem to create more tension.
And so we're left having to decide between pushing harder or just pulling back more. You can find yourself shrinking back from the relationship. I mean, let's face it.
It's painful to be rejected again and again. And I remember feeling a real sense of fear, not wanting to make my son more angry at me. So you find yourself walking on eggshells.
And so I want to invite you to consider that this sense of urgency we feel, it's only adding fuel to the fire. Another place urgency can show up in our relationship with our big kids is in this heavy pressure we feel to make sure they're ready. And this one is actually subtle because it looks like being a responsible parent.
But here's what happens. You tend to feel this sense of pressure when you notice everything your big kid isn't doing that you think they should be. You notice that their room is a disaster, that they sleep through their alarm or procrastinate.
They don't do what you ask them to do or stay on top of their responsibilities at school or at home. They act disrespectfully or they're on their phone constantly. They don't seem motivated.
It's hard to discount these as normal teenage behaviors because isn't it your job to teach them how to be a responsible adult? And when you see them not living up to that benchmark, it's like evidence, not only that they're not ready, but that you didn't teach them well enough. Also evidence that if they leave like this, that they're going to struggle. And the truth is our minds don't just stop there.
They go to, if they struggle, it'll be my fault. So now the messy room isn't just about the room. In our minds, it's evidence that they're going to be sloppy forever.
And that chore that didn't get done isn't just about the chore. It's about how they're not going to be responsible in college or with their future employer. I need to remind my kid to do things five times.
How is that going to work in the real world? And that eye roll isn't just a sign you're dealing with an immature team with raging hormones. It feels like a flaw in their character and that they're inherently disrespectful. And they're going to take that disrespect out into the world.
So now this urgency shows up in the energy we bring to how we remind our kids about their responsibilities, the way we correct them, sometimes nag them. We're essentially thinking, I just need them to learn this before they leave. At times, moms have told me they want to sit down with their big kid and lay out all their expectations.
And here's the thing. All of the expectations that these moms have are perfectly reasonable. You should help out around the house.
Keep your room clean. Be polite. Not roll your eyes when you're talking to me.
Be responsible for your stuff. Not make me have to remind you. I mean, these sound like basic, honestly bare minimum expectations of what being a responsible person should look like, which honestly makes it that much more frustrating that we actually have to have a conversation with them about it.
And look, I also acknowledge that it feels like our basic responsibility to help our kids become these responsible adults. But notice what happens when we observe our kids not meeting these expectations. And then you add the time pressure of thinking that you only have a few months left.
All of a sudden your reminders start coming out as how many times do I have to tell you? Or you're going to be out on your own soon. You can't live like this in college. What will your future boss think if you act this way? And even if you don't say these exact words, they're in your tone.
The sigh you give when you come home and you see they still haven't walked the dog or brought their laundry upstairs. It's in the way you watch them. Almost like you're constantly evaluating, measuring whether or not they're doing what you think they should be doing.
So what starts off as, I'd like you to clean your room, is being driven by an underlying thought like, I'm afraid you're not going to be okay. And maybe even underneath that, I'm afraid I failed. But there's a third place this urgency shows up when you're thinking you only have a few months left.
And it's in the pressure you feel to make these last months meaningful. Sometimes it's simply in the pressure we put on ourselves to be more patient, to not react, to not nag. It's almost like we want to be the best version of ourselves to make sure that we do everything we can so that our big kid remembers how good it was to be living at home with us.
But then the problem is when you inevitably get frustrated about something, you feel guilty. Or when you're tired and you don't feel like making that extra effort, you feel guilty again. The time is so fleeting.
You want to be orchestrating more family dinners or special experiences. You might even stop setting boundaries because you don't want to create conflict. But then a part of you can feel resentful because you feel taken advantage of.
During spring break of my oldest son's senior year, we took a family trip to Barcelona. I'll be honest, it was our attempt to bring the family back together. We thought maybe time where we were forced to be together would make us all magically rebond.
I remember one morning trying to talk to my son and he was so distant and I just lost it. I felt like I'd been going above and beyond to create this special family vacation. I was trying so hard and he acted like none of it mattered.
I realize now how much my reaction was fueled by this internal pressure I felt to get us to reconnect again. At that point, I could count the months that I had left with him at home on one hand and I was petrified that this was going to be it. That no matter what I did, he wasn't going to come back to me.
And so all three of these, the urgency we feel to reconnect, the urgency we feel to prepare them and make them into responsible adults, and the pressure we put on ourselves to make it all special, to make these last months mean something, all of this is being fueled by the thought I only have a few months left. And that thought sounds true. It may even be a fact that your child will be leaving for what comes next in a few months.
But the deeper meaning that we add to this fact is that we're running out of time. And this creates urgency. And on the one hand, it would seem that this urgency is coming from love.
Because of course you love your child and you want them to be responsible and you want to cherish the time that you have with them. But what's really happening is that your brain is operating from a place of scarcity. You look at that graduation date or that college move-in day and you're thinking, I'm running out of time to get this right.
And notice how this influences how you show up. When something feels scarce, whether it's time or money or opportunity, you become frugal. You start measuring and evaluating, calculating.
You worry about the future and you're focused on not wasting. And in some ways, all of that sounds smart, right? If something is limited, of course you want to be careful with it. But there's a difference between being intentional with something and operating from a place of scarcity.
Scarcity has an edge to it. It's coming from a mindset that says there won't be enough or this might be my last chance. Maybe even if I don't handle this perfectly, I'll have failed.
Scarcity makes you tense. It makes you interpret everything through this lens of potential loss. So when you bring a scarcity mindset into your relationship with your child, you're evaluating every interaction.
You're constantly monitoring your child against your expectations. And you set yourself up for failure by asking yourself to be perfect, to show up perfectly. And all of this means that you're rarely present in the moment because you're experiencing everything through the lens of this isn't good enough.
When I was in this place with my oldest, I remember talking with one of my coaches and trying to explain how heavy it felt. And she said something that I never forgot. She said, this is the texture of your relationship right now.
The texture. The definition of texture is the way something feels. And typically, we talk about it in the context of how something feels to the touch.
But when she applied this word to the context of my relationship, I understood what she meant. This is how the relationship feels. And she added, right now, those two extra words implied that this isn't forever.
And this doesn't just apply to our relationships. It also applies to our kids' lack of responsibility, to their moodiness, and need to break away from us. It also applies to our discomfort with letting go.
Throughout your life, you will experience many, many textures, many seasons. And this season of motherhood brings with it so much change and uncertainty. And also often, a lot of pain, anxiety, and frustration as we worry about our kids and our relationship with them.
As we worry about whether or not we got this right. But this season is not permanent. When you're in a scarcity mindset, you mistake the current texture for the whole story.
You think our relationship isn't good and it's not going to get better, rather than simply thinking, this is what it feels like right now. The opposite of a scarcity mindset is an abundant mindset. Scarcity tells you that you're running out of time.
And abundance tells you, this is a season. There will be other chapters. This isn't the end of the story.
Just imagine what would be different for you if you could approach these final months or years from a place of abundance. What would that look like for you? And I'm not talking about pretending you have unlimited time or that this moment isn't painful. This is a big transition and it makes so much sense that you would have feelings about it.
Especially if you don't feel like you're connecting with your child. Or if you're not seeing them actualize in the ways that you want. But coming from an abundant mindset is simply remembering, this is a season.
This is a texture of your relationship, of their level of maturity and readiness. And texture is just how something feels right now. But here's something else to consider.
Texture is how it feels to you. It's your experience of the relationship in this moment. Your perspective about how ready they look to you.
And when you're in scarcity, your mind looks for everything that confirms your fears. You notice the silence and the missed alarm and the chore they don't seem to remember on their own. You see these signs and you build a story.
And this story is what influences the texture of how you experience the relationship and your child's readiness right now. But what if there's more connection there than you can see? What if they really are more ready than they seem? Or what if what they really need to learn, they're going to have to figure out on their own, through their own mistakes and disappointment. Is that really your failure? Or is it just the way humans learn? When you shift into abundance, you stop assuming that what you see right now is the final version.
Abundance invites you to play the long game. Maybe even more importantly, it peels back the pressure you feel so that you can be here now, experiencing those moments of connection when they do happen without trying to force it or noticing the ways your big kid is ready, even if it's not in all of the ways you want for them. Your child leaving home is not the end of your relationship.
It's really just the next step in the evolution of it. And the more you let go of scarcity, the more room you create for your connection to evolve into what comes next. And believe it or not, shifting into this open, abundant mindset is exactly what brings your big kid closer.
My friend, if this is exactly what you want to create, I invite you to learn more about my Mom 2.0 coaching program. In this program, I teach you how to understand your mind and how it creates your emotions and reactions so that you can make intentional decisions about how you want to show up as a mom in this evolving chapter of motherhood. When you find yourself thinking, I only have a few more months with my child at home, I invite you to pause.
Notice how beautiful and bittersweet that thought really is. There is so much love in that thought, such a deep sense that this matters to you. But notice also if this thought makes you feel a sense of pressure.
It is true you are facing many lasts, but this is not your last chance to connect. It's not your last chance to teach or guide your child. You don't have to fix everything before they leave.
You just get to be here, loving your child, open to what's possible instead of fearing what's ending, allowing the texture of this moment to be what it is, a moment in time, not a prediction of the future. This chapter may be closing, but the story of your relationship with your big kid is always being written. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
