“OTHER MOMS ARE CLOSER TO THEIR KIDS”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 234
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I was scrolling online yesterday and I came across a post, a picture of a mom with her daughters, and something about the headline grabbed my attention. It said something like, I kept waiting for it. So naturally, I was curious, and I read the caption.
This mom explained how when her girls entered the teen years, and even when they left for college, people kept telling her, just wait, they're going to pull away. And so she mentally prepared herself for that moment. And then it never happened.
She described how her daughters still sought out her advice, how when there was friend drama, she was the first call. She gave example after example of how close they were. And her post was filled with gratitude that this had been her experience.
So of course, I immediately went to the comments. And not surprisingly, there was a mix. There were some moms who said, yes, same, I'm so grateful for the relationship I have with my kids.
And then there were other moms sharing that their experience looked very different. And no matter which camp you're in right now, whether you feel grateful for the connection that you have, or whether posts like this trigger a kind of wrenching feeling in your stomach, that other moms seem closer to their big kids than you, this episode is going to give you something to think about. I feel like we've all had that experience where we compare ourselves to others in some area of our lives, whether with friendships, or our bodies, or maybe our romantic relationships.
But when it comes to falling into this comparison trap in your relationship around your kids, it comes up when you're at a coffee shop and you see a mom sitting with her kid, and they're laughing and they're talking. And you can't remember the last time your kid talked to you in that way, or willingly went anywhere with you. Or you overhear a friend talking about her kid at college who calls every couple days or sends those sweet texts.
And meanwhile, with your kid, you only get one-word texts or answers. Throughout our lives, we can't help but compare. And honestly, I don't think comparison is inherently terrible.
I remember when my oldest was five months old. We were at a little gym class, and he wasn't even sitting up yet. And there was another little boy in that class, only a couple days older.
And he seemed to have so much more motor control than my own son did. And I remember thinking at the time, this is a problem. Something is wrong with my son.
And it's so funny to think about it now. But at the time, I was really uncomfortable thinking that my son was behind. The truth is, our brains compare because we're trying to assess, are we on the right track? Are we fitting in? Are we doing this right? In a lot of ways, comparison is a learning tool.
When we're little, we learn by watching. We mimic how our parents speak and how they behave. At an early age, that's how we figure out how to be in the world.
And we don't stop doing this when we grow up. Even now in midlife, we still look around for signs that we're doing okay. We look for advice and validation.
And honestly, it would be so nice if someone could just tell us exactly how to do that thing that we're not yet successful in. So we could just copy that formula and get the same results. And so when you really think about it, that's kind of what we're doing when we're comparing.
We're simply trying to look at our lives and make sure we're getting it right. So as much as comparison doesn't always feel good, I want to invite you to consider that it's not necessarily a problem that your brain does this. But it is worth looking at where your mind goes after it compares.
Because technically, what comparison is at its most basic level is this. We look at the reality of our lives as we perceive it. And then we look at someone else's life as we perceive it.
And we hold those two perceived realities up next to each other. But our brains don't stop there. Our minds then create a story about what that comparison means.
So let's look back at that post. The mom posted that she kept waiting for her daughters to pull away, and it never happened. Those were her words.
What does that bring up for you? Maybe you're hearing this and saying, oh my gosh, I know, me too, I'm so grateful. Or for others of us, we might be feeling very differently about those words. Because the reality is for many of us, myself included, there have been many stretches of time where my boys have pulled away.
Sometimes in small ways, and sometimes in really painful and hurtful ways. And if you're in one of those stretches of pulling away right now, seeing a post like this doesn't make you feel happy and grateful, or even just ambivalent. Instead, it can feel triggering.
I mean, here you are trying to figure out how to connect with your kid, how to respect what you've heard is their developmental need to pull away without taking it personally, or reacting in a way that pushes them away even more. And here someone else is saying they've never had to go through it. It can make your mind go to the place of thinking, what am I getting wrong? And is this only going to get worse? I can't tell you how many moms come to me in the last year or two of high school, and sometimes even earlier, and they're absolutely petrified that their child is going to leave for college, and they're never going to regain the connection.
They'll tell me, I'm running out of time. I have to fix this before they leave and just never come back. Our minds also quickly go to, this is my fault.
I did something wrong. And even worse, our kids at times have said things that make it clear that they do blame us for something. They'll tell us, you make me anxious, mom, or you're so controlling, or this is why I don't come to you.
And when they say those things out loud, it's really hard not to believe that their pulling away is our fault. Then underneath the fear and the self-judgment, you can feel grief. The thing is, you used to feel so close, and now you get one-word answers, or that eye roll, the closed doors, a kid who seems irritated anytime you ask them to do anything.
And after everything you've poured into this child, it feels excruciating to be rejected. Believe me, I know from personal experience how much it hurts. So notice, you're already in pain as you think about your relationship with your child.
And the comparison just makes it worse. It's like salt in the wound. Because when we see evidence of another kid with another mom who isn't pulling away, it challenges the story that we try to take comfort in, that this is just developmental, that this is just a stage that every kid goes through.
And so now, all of a sudden, we're saying to ourselves, wait, maybe this pulling away isn't normal. Maybe I'm just telling myself that to make myself feel better. And if that's true, then it must also be true that I did something wrong, that I did something to cause this.
Now, I do think it's helpful to remember, even though this doesn't magically make it feel better, that just because a mom posts that her daughter's never pulled away does not mean she has never experienced pain and heartache in her life with her kids. In fact, I coach many moms who are very close with their kids. And that closeness can bring its own weight.
When your child tells you everything, sometimes you feel responsible for everything. It's like they come to you with their problems and then you feel pressure to fix it. Actually, you can feel emotionally entangled.
And so as these moms' kids grow up, they feel the challenge of where to draw the line, when to step in, and when to step back. I want to give you a glimpse into what this other side can look like, because I think this comparison will actually be very interesting. I have a client right now who is incredibly close to her kids.
Her kids have left the nest, but they talk regularly. They come to her with all of their joys and their struggles. And on the surface, that can sound like a dream.
But here's what she's wrestling with. She wants to trust her kids and give them autonomy. But there are times when she does this and things go badly.
And so then she beats herself up for not having stepped in more. Intellectually, she knows she can't fix every problem. But emotionally, it's so hard to let go when one of her kids struggles.
Because those struggles can also feel like they land on her. And then she has to pick up the pieces when things go wrong. So this is a mom who's grappling with the fear of letting go in the sense that that could actually bring her more pain.
But then she also recognizes that holding on isn't necessarily helping her kids build the autonomy they need to be independent in their life. So notice how this is a mom who's very close to her kids, but that closeness doesn't take away the pain. It's just another flavor of tension between holding on and letting go.
And I think that's the part that's worth sitting with. Because whether you're the mom who feels like your teen is pulling away or the mom who feels very connected right now, the work underneath is actually very similar. It's learning how and when to let go.
And I don't mean letting go of the relationship or even your desire to connect with your kid. And I certainly don't mean loving your kid any less. What I'm talking about is letting go of control over how it all unfolds.
Here's the thing. When our kids start to pull away, most of us don't consciously think, I need to control this. It's more subtle and well-meaning.
It sounds more like, I just want us to be close. I miss how we used to talk. I don't want them to shut me out.
And I think most of us listening would empathize and agree. It doesn't sound controlling. In fact, it sounds loving.
But notice what can happen next. Our kids walk away from us and go to their room, and we feel compelled to follow. They give us a short answer, and we ask three more questions.
They seem distant, so we try to pull them closer. We check in more frequently. We try to create family time.
And look, all of this comes from love and good intentions. But it also comes from fear and grief. Really, love mixed with anxiety.
And what's really driving all of this is this belief that if I can just reconnect with my kid, then I'll feel okay again. So we're holding on tighter as they pull away. And again, not because we're trying to be controlling, but because the distance feels threatening.
And look, if all of that effort trying to bring your kid closer works, then no problem. But often what we start to observe is that all of our efforts are actually somehow pushing our child further away. And then we feel even more panicked.
So if you're in this place with your big kid, I want to invite you to consider that the work is learning how to stop chasing closeness. And I don't mean pulling away yourself or passive-aggressively saying, fine, I'm not going to chase them. I mean simply letting go of the urgency you feel to pull them closer.
Because that's really what's creating the tension. It's not that it's bad that you want to be close to your kid. What creates pressure is the anxiety that can be driving your efforts to connect.
And look, I get it. I've been there. When your child pulls away, your nervous system doesn't calmly say, ah, yes, it's developmental separation.
Instead it says, alert, something's wrong. I'm losing my child. I need to do something to fix this.
And so of course you try to pull them closer, but they can feel that underlying sense of pressure. They feel that you need something from them. And our teenagers can be so sensitive to that.
So sometimes our efforts to create connection are actually what's creating more resistance from them. And it's not because they don't love you, but because closeness that feels required doesn't feel safe. In fact, think of it this way.
We tell ourselves that we love our kids unconditionally. And we do. But sometimes it can look like we're putting conditions on our kids when we tell them they need to show up for us in a certain way.
When we need them to talk more or share more or reassure us more so that we can feel emotionally steady. And even if we never communicate it that way, our kids can feel when our sense of peace and wellbeing depends on their closeness. And that is a heavy responsibility for a young person to carry when they're struggling with their own internal need to feel independent and stand on their own.
So I said before that whether you're the mom who feels like your teen is pulling away or the mom who feels very connected right now, the work underneath is actually the same. It's letting go. Now I'm going to talk about what letting go looks like in a minute.
But first let's explore what holding onto can look like for the mom who is close to her kids. So when your child comes to you with everything, it can on the one hand feel really good. But then something hard happens, like they struggle or they fail or they make a decision that you wouldn't make.
The problem is because you're close, because they come to you with these problems, they don't just feel like your kids struggle. It can feel like that struggle lands on you. I've had moms describe it to me this way.
It's like their kid calls and they drop a bomb and you're left sitting with it in your lap or you're carrying it around, thinking about it when you wake up in the middle of the night. This mom may not be chasing closeness, but instead you feel the pressure to start managing outcomes. You feel compelled to offer more advice.
You try to research options or try to think of the right next steps for your kid to take. And sometimes you end up stepping in just a little bit more than you need to. And again, it's not because you want control, but because you love your kids so much, it can feel almost unbearable to watch them struggle when you believe you might be able to fix it for them.
And so in this mom's case, holding on shows up differently. For the mom who feels distance, it looks like chasing connection. For the mom who feels close, it can look like holding responsibility.
In both of these scenarios, we as moms are being driven by the same undercurrent of fear. Fear of losing our kid. Fear of seeing them struggle or watching them hurt.
Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of letting go. So let's talk about what letting go actually means.
Because I want to be very clear that letting go does not mean you stop trying to connect or stop offering to help and support your big kid. In fact, there have been many times in my own life as a mom when I've felt one of my boys pulling away and I've tried to connect. I have asked one more question or tried to start the conversation even when they didn't seem interested.
And there have also been times when one of my boys have come to me with something hard and I've felt that instinct to step in and give advice to help fix it. And in fact, there have been times when I've done exactly that. So if you're listening and thinking, wait, am I supposed to never try to step in or try to connect? The answer is no.
That's not the goal. In fact, I am never going to let go of my efforts to try to connect or help and support my kids. The really complicated reality of all of this is there is no one right way to do this.
There isn't a perfect formula where you say the exact right sentence or step back at exactly the right time. And that all of that will guarantee that your big kid will magically grow into a perfectly regulated, successful adult who stays close and never struggles. That's not how this works.
Relationships between any two people, especially between a parent and a child who's still developmentally immature. These relationships are messy and dynamic and imperfect. So hear me when I say letting go is not about getting it right.
It's truly about becoming more aware of what's driving you in the moment. It's understanding the energy underneath your actions. For example, you can invite your teen to have a conversation with you without any expectations or conditions.
You can go into starting that conversation understanding that they might not want to talk with you and let that be OK. Or in contrast, you can start the conversation from a place of anxiety, watching for that eye roll, counting the number of words, and feeling frustrated when you sense that they don't want to talk. In both cases, you're starting up a conversation, but the energy that you're taking that action from is very different.
Or as another example, you can offer your big kid advice because they asked and you want to share your perspective, but you go into offering that support, respecting that they need to navigate the solution on their own. Or in contrast, you can offer advice because you feel uncomfortable and don't want to see them struggle. And again, you're taking the same action, offering support, but you're being driven from very different emotions.
There is no right way to do this. It's actually not about what you're doing. It's truly about the emotional energy driving your actions.
Letting go is asking yourself, am I reaching toward my child from love or fear? Am I offering advice and support because it's truly something they need? Or is it because I'm trying to manage my own emotions and anxiety? And the even harder truth is that sometimes, maybe even often, it's a little bit of both. You feel both love and fear. You want to support them and you want to protect yourself from the discomfort of watching them struggle.
You want to give them independence, but you also want a close connected relationship with them. That tension, that is the work. And here's what I've learned, both as a mom and as a coach, you cannot eliminate that tension, but you can learn how to navigate it without losing yourself inside of it.
And you do that by creating emotional safety inside yourself first, even when your big kid is pulling away or they're struggling. And that is exactly the work we do inside of Mom 2.0. In this program, you'll learn how to hold love and fear at the same time and choose how you want to show up with intention. My friend, when you change the emotional energy driving your actions, your relationship with your big kid changes, not because they suddenly change, but because you consistently show up differently.
You invite connection rather than demanding it and you offer support without needing to control the outcome. Either way, you are giving your child space to learn and grow and figure out who they are separate from you. The message you send when you do this work is, I am here for you, and I trust that you are on a journey to become who you are meant to be.
And no matter what, I love you. My friend, this process is messy and maybe that's exactly as it should be. So whether your big kid feels close right now or very far away, whether they call you every day and share all of their struggles, or they only give you one word answers, the opportunity you have in front of you is to become the kind of mom who can love deeply without holding on tightly.
As I said, that tension between love and fear is always going to be there. So the question for you is, which one are you leaning into? Which one is driving how you're showing up to this relationship? Do other moms seem closer to their kids? Yes, and maybe they are. But we are all grappling with some form of learning how to hold on and where to let go.
And we're all striving for a relationship with our kids built on trust, respect, and most importantly, unconditional love. Unconditional love isn't measured by the number of words they say or the number of times they call in a week. It's truly measured by how you show up in your willingness to let your big kid grow without making it mean you've lost them or failed them.
This is the work. And I am doing it right alongside of you every single day. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
