WHO IS YOUR MOM 2.0? BEING THE MOM YOU WANT TO BE WHILE PARENTING TEENS AND NAVIGATING THE EMPTY NEST | EP. 229
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Do you ever feel like you know how you want to show up as a mom, and even as a woman in your own life, and you still find yourself wondering why it feels so hard to actually show up that way? You know you want to be calmer and less reactive. And yet when your big kid pulls away, or they struggle, or don't need you in the same way, you can find yourself falling into patterns of control, self-doubt, or taking things personally. In this episode, I'm going to help you understand why this happens, and how to more consistently access that version of yourself who you really want to be.
I call her mom 2.0. Not a better version of you, but the empowered version of you as a mom and a woman who already exists inside of you, even if it doesn't always feel that way. Let me show you a way to reconnect with her. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. You know what I love about working with moms? We are so mission driven. We have such a clear sense of purpose when it comes to our kids.
And that purpose is so connected to love and a deep sense of selflessness. Truly, motherhood is such an incredible act of service. And I'm so grateful for the opportunity to work with moms like you, who are looking for resources and support, because you're constantly striving to be the best version of yourself for the benefit of your children.
At the same time, I think one of the hard parts about any kind of self-improvement work is that it inevitably involves some degree of self-judgment. And look, on the one hand, you could say that we're just trying to be self-aware. We're noticing what doesn't feel good in our lives and what we wished we'd handled differently.
And in many ways, that level of awareness is a strength. It's a reflection of how much we care. But what often happens is that self-awareness can turn into self-criticism.
We don't just notice what we want to change. We start telling ourselves a story about it. We think things like, what's wrong with me? Why am I still reacting this way? So there's this subtle line between being self-aware and being hard on ourselves.
But another thing that I think is really powerful about us moms is that we're also very clear about who we want to be as moms. Let me give you a few examples. Sometimes we realize we take things personally, and we want to be the kind of mom who doesn't do that.
We want to be able to navigate our relationship with our kids without it hurting so much. We might even recognize intellectually that our kids are still emotionally immature, or that their brains are still developing. So we understand that some of their behavior is developmentally appropriate.
And so it's frustrating when we think to ourselves that we shouldn't take things personally because of all that, and yet we find ourselves doing it anyway. Or maybe we see in ourselves that we need to let go of control. We see that we need to start letting our kids figure things out, or stop jumping in to fix whatever's happening.
We can see how often our instinct is to step in. And we might also see that it's impacting our relationship with our kid, or maybe making them too dependent on our support. So we start to wonder if they're ever going to be able to be independent if we don't make them start taking on more responsibility.
But even when we tell ourselves this is theirs to figure out, we still feel that pull to do something to prevent a mistake or protect them from struggling. And then once again, we judge ourselves for it. We think, I know I shouldn't be doing this.
I know this isn't helping. But instead of understanding what's driving that urge to control, we just make ourselves wrong for feeling it. I've also worked with so many moms who are struggling with the pain of their kids pulling away.
They want to feel connected to their kids, and at the same time, they're very aware that something about the dynamic needs to shift. Again, they understand that their kids pulling away is probably just a part of growing up, part of them becoming more independent. So they want to feel more at peace with letting go.
They want to be the kind of mom who can give their kids space without feeling hurt or lost. And yet even with all of that self-awareness, that ache is still there. Once again, these moms know who they want to be, but they don't know how to shift from where they are, stuck in pain, to that version of themselves who isn't dependent on reassurance from her kid to feel okay.
I also work with moms who are in or approaching the empty nest. They're facing the awareness that the role they've poured so much of themselves into is changing. These moms know they want to create a life that feels meaningful as their kids leave the nest.
They want to create new purpose and a sense of fulfillment that isn't focused on their kids as much anymore. And yet, again, even with all of that awareness, they feel stuck. They know who they want to be, a woman with purpose and joy and direction, but they don't know how to move from this place of loss and uncertainty into that version of themselves who feels whole again.
So these are just a few examples of truly how self-aware we can be. We can see how we're stuck, and even how our default ways of being and reacting are contributing to our pain. And we also have a really clear picture of what it would look like and feel like to show up to our lives differently.
But despite all of this self-awareness, we can have absolutely no idea how to go from the current version of ourselves to the version of ourselves we really want to be. For fun, let's think of these two versions of ourselves as mom 1.0, the mom we are right now in this moment, and mom 2.0, the version of ourselves who we want to be. And I want to be clear about this.
Mom 2.0 is not a different person. She's not some better version of you. She's simply the version of yourself you envision would be feeling better, or handling things better, and showing up to life in a more powerful way.
And the truth is, you already know you're capable of being her. And we don't always give ourselves credit for this, but think about it. No matter who you envision as your mom 2.0, that more empowered version of yourself, you've already experienced moments of being her throughout your life.
Think about those moments when you feel calm, when you're not feeling anxious. Maybe those times when things are going well with your big kid. There's no current problem or challenge you're facing.
Everyone's getting along. And for whatever reason, your kid's in a good mood and actually talking to you. They don't seem to be struggling with anything.
So you find yourself feeling at peace, content. And in those moments, it actually isn't that difficult to be that empowered and intentional version of yourself. In those moments when things are going generally okay with your kid, you're not taking their behavior personally.
They might even roll their eyes at you. But because your interactions have generally been okay, you're in a mindset that allows you not to take that moment so seriously. There are even times when your kid is struggling.
And for whatever reason, you say to yourself, they can figure this out. I trust that there's a solution here and they can find it. And then you don't jump in to fix it.
Maybe it's because it's some challenge you've seen them figure out before. Or maybe it's because the stakes don't seem that high. But whatever the reason, your mindset about that situation allows you to step back, to not need to control the outcome, even to trust your kid to handle it on their own.
There are also those moments when your kid is up in their room, and for whatever reason, you let it be. You don't feel the need to make them come down and talk to you. You're okay giving them space.
Some moms I work with will say to me, I don't know what comes next for me. And yet, they can remember a time in their life when they were fearless, or at least when it was okay not to know what they wanted. The thing is, you have experienced moments in your life where you are the mom and the woman you want to be right now.
And even if right now those moments feel few and far between, I promise you, they are inside of you. Which is exactly why you want to get back to that place. Because you know what it feels like.
You can envision it. And you want that to be a reality more of the time. So when you really think about it, you don't need to become someone new.
You really just need a path to more consistently tap into that version of yourself who already exists inside of you. That version who feels calm and confident, empowered, purposeful, and present in her life. Okay, so the problem then becomes, how do you do this? Because what you might already be thinking is, fine, it's easy to be that calm, confident version of myself when everything's going okay.
But what about those moments when they aren't? When your kid is pulling away, or struggling, or making choices you don't agree with. Or maybe when you're sitting home alone, feeling empty, and not sure what to do with yourself. These are the moments when you need access to that empowered version of yourself even more.
But it's also those moments that make her feel so far out of reach. And look, I know, this is incredibly frustrating. Because you know in those moments where it would be so much better to be calm or confident in your approach to your kid, you feel anxious or hurt.
Or you give in to that familiar urge to control, or seek validation, or take things personally. And you see this happening, and then you judge yourself for it. You think, I shouldn't be reacting this way.
And so then that version of you who you really want to be feels even more out of reach. But let's slow things down here. Because the gap between mom 1.0 and mom 2.0 doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you.
It just means you don't yet understand what's happening inside of you in those moments when life gets challenging. Look, when something feels uncertain, risky, or threatening to the relationship you care about most, your brain's job is to protect you. Its immediate reaction is to ask, how do I create safety here? How do I keep this from getting worse? And in those moments, your nervous system goes into a fight-or-flight response.
You feel this sense that something needs to be done right now. Now over decades of motherhood, you've learned how to respond to that feeling of threat by creating safety. You've built your identity and your role as a mom around being responsible, around keeping your kids safe, happy, and on the right track.
And for a long time, that role was not only necessary, it worked. And for the most part, it was rewarded with the comfort of knowing you had kept your kids safe. You've also been deeply connected to your kids as they were growing up.
You were needed. You were central to their lives. So the idea of losing that closeness, or having it change, can feel incredibly painful.
But here's the thing, when your brain senses a threat to your safety or connection, it reaches for the strategies that have always worked in the past. And that's when you feel the urge to control, or even to take things personally. Because in the past, when you interpreted a situation with your kid as your fault, if it was about you, you could fix it.
And that actually felt so much easier, believe it or not, than saying to yourself, there's nothing you can do. So we've practiced making our kids problems about us. And so it's no wonder that we tend to default to that reaction now.
We can also try to pull our big kid closer as they pull away. Because we were always able to create that sense of closeness in the past. So how could we stop doing that now? These reactions aren't random.
In fact, they're habitual. They're patterns we've learned and internalized over decades of practice in the world. But if you really think of it this way, the problem isn't actually that we default to these ways of showing up.
It's that these strategies are no longer creating the safety or connection we're actually looking for in this stage of parenting. So let me talk a little bit more about a few of the most common patterns I see in my work with moms. One of them is the illusion of control.
This shows up when your brain tells you that if you can just manage the situation well enough, you can prevent pain for your kid and for yourself. So this is when you have the urge to step in and fix things, or remind your big kid one more time, even when they don't need you to. Or alternatively, when what they really need is for you to let them face the natural consequences of not doing the thing, so that they learn from their own mistakes.
But the truth is, because we've been practicing this pattern for so long, there's something in us about the way we perceive our role or the consequence of our kid's actions or feelings that it makes it feel really risky for us to let go. Another pattern I see often is personalization. This is when your kid's mood, or their choices, or their distance starts to feel like it means something about you.
It might show up as wondering what you did wrong, or replaying a conversation in your head, maybe feeling hurt by their tone or their withdrawal. And as I mentioned before, personalization is actually closely connected to the illusion of control. Because if your kid's behavior really is about you, if you caused it, or if their anger or attitude is directed at you, then it makes sense that you'd feel responsible for fixing it.
You might try to smooth things over, or explain yourself, maybe apologize, essentially change your behavior so they don't feel the way they feel anymore. What your brain is doing is practicing telling you that staying emotionally regulated depends on resolving how your kid feels about you. And that makes it incredibly hard to stay calm when they're upset or pulling away.
And then there's the pattern of validation seeking. Being a mom has been such a central source of purpose and identity for us. So as our kids get older, of course it feels unsettling when they start needing us less, or reacting to us differently.
I mean, when our kids were little, they showed us we mattered. They depended on us for comfort and connection and reassurance. So when that changes, it can feel uncomfortable, even unsafe.
So you might find yourself looking for signs that you do still matter, like that text back, or that conversation with more than one word, maybe a thank you. And when you don't get those signs, it can feel surprisingly painful. Your brain can even start to tie your sense of feeling okay to your kid's responsiveness.
None of these patterns are an indication that there's something wrong with you, or that you're doing something wrong. They simply mean your mind is doing exactly what it's learned to do in moments of uncertainty and emotional risk. Here's something really interesting to see.
These patterns, control, personalization, validation seeking, they are actually not what's standing in the way of you being mom 2.0. Believe it or not, they're actually not a problem. That's why trying to judge yourself out of them, or force yourself to do better, is actually what keeps you stuck. Because here's the cycle.
You sense risk or disconnection. You react in the ways you've practiced reacting for a really long time, going to the strategies that used to work. But when they don't, once again you're left judging yourself, or judging your kid, thinking both of you are broken, rather than simply getting curious.
What if the fear you're experiencing makes perfect sense? In fact, what if you could understand the fear so deeply that you were able to create safety within yourself first, without needing your big kid to create it for you? Because when you start to see your life and your emotional experience this way, everything changes. Because if the fear makes sense, then you don't have to fight against it. And you definitely don't have to make yourself wrong for feeling it.
So instead of asking, how do I stop feeling this way, or reacting this way? The question becomes, how do I stay with myself while I'm feeling scared or anxious? Mom 1.0 needs the outside world to be okay so she can feel okay. She needs her kid to be happy and calm, connected or on track in order to feel safe inside of herself. And when that doesn't happen, her nervous system reacts and she automatically defaults to those old patterns of reacting that aren't working for her anymore.
In contrast, Mom 2.0 doesn't need everything to be okay in order to feel okay. She knows how to stay present and grounded, even when her kid is struggling, even when there's distance or uncertainty. And that is not because she cares less or is indifferent, but because she's learned how to create safety inside of herself first.
My friend, when you learn how to stay connected to who you want to be, even in those hard moments, you gain the power to respond with intention instead of reacting from fear. This is when you stop needing your child to change in order for you to feel okay. Because you stop making their emotions and their behavior mean something about you.
And you stop making them responsible for your emotional well-being. My friend, what I'm describing here is not something you either have or you don't. It's not something you're born with.
And it's definitely not about becoming some better version of yourself. It is, in fact, a skill set. Most of us were never taught how to take responsibility for our emotional well-being, to stay connected to ourselves even when things feel emotionally risky.
Instead, we were taught how to take care of others, how to be responsible for our kids' emotional well-being and their needs. We learned how to manage situations and eliminate risk. And for a long time, those skills served us incredibly well.
But no one taught us how to work with our own minds and emotions when the way our kid needs us starts to change. No one ever taught us how to understand how our fear drives our reactions or how to create that sense of safety inside of ourselves so that we don't have to control or seek reassurance outside of us to feel okay. And this is exactly why I created my Mom 2.0 coaching program.
Mom 2.0 isn't about fixing you. And it's not about telling you what to say to your kid or giving you rules for how to parent better. It's about helping you understand what's happening inside of you in those hard moments and giving you the tools to respond as the mom you know you want to be.
My friend, Mom 2.0 is already inside of you. You just need tools to know how to access her no matter what's going on around you. Now, if you've been listening to this and thinking, yes, this is me, I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you.
The fact that you are self-aware and reflective and wanting something different tells me you are already deeply connected to who you want to be. Mom 2.0 isn't a better version of you that you have to earn. She's not waiting on the other side of perfection or when your kids finally get it together.
She's available to you right now. This work isn't about changing your kids or even about getting rid of the fear or uncertainty that is an inevitable part of life. Instead, it's about learning how to be with yourself even when you are afraid, even when you're not sure, so that that fear doesn't hold you back from showing up as the mom or the woman you want to be.
And when you can do that, something really beautiful happens. You start to trust yourself again. You stop outsourcing your sense of peace to your kids' moods or their choices, and you show up calmer and more confident, more present, not because life suddenly becomes easy, but because you know you can handle whatever comes.
So if you're feeling that pull toward becoming Mom 2.0, I invite you to get curious, not from a place of self-judgment, but from a place of compassion and possibility. Because this chapter of motherhood isn't asking you to become someone new. It's asking you to come home to yourself.
And that might be the most important work you ever do. Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
