MINDSET TRAPS OF PARENTING TEENS AND THE EMPTY NEST—TRAP #5: PERFECTIONISM—LETTING GO OF THE NEED TO GET IT RIGHT | EP. 221
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever noticed how much mental energy you spend wondering if you're doing it right? Whether it's parenting your big kid or supporting them in the right way, do you find yourself ruminating over conversations or second-guessing your boundaries, feeling this pressure to not miss anything, that if you can just find the right way to handle things, you'll finally be able to relax? Today I'm continuing the mindset traps of parenting teens and the empty nest series with a focus on perfectionism.
In this episode, I'm going to talk about how this trap fuels your anxiety and how to step out of it without needing everything to be perfect first. This episode will change how you think about perfectionism and what it really means to let go in this stage of motherhood. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. Today I want to talk about the mindset trap of perfectionism. And I want to start by acknowledging that as you're listening, you might already be thinking one of two things.
You might be thinking, oh yes, this is me. I'm a perfectionist. Or you might be thinking, nope, this one doesn't apply to me at all.
And the reason for that is because we tend to think of perfectionists in a very particular way. We picture Type A personalities, driven, intense and hyper-organized people, people with high standards and color-coded calendars. Honestly, we often talk about perfectionism like it's a personality trait, and often one that's even desirable in some ways.
I even remember back to when I was 18 and interviewing for jobs and people would give advice about how to answer that question of what's your biggest weakness. And the advice was always, say you're a perfectionist, because theoretically the employer would hear that and think, oh, that means you're a hard worker. And I'll be honest, for a long time I thought of myself as a perfectionist.
But it wasn't until I really got into this work and started to understand the heart of this mindset trap that I saw how universal it actually is, and how much it shows up in motherhood in ways that don't look anything like that traditional picture of perfectionism. So in today's episode, I don't want to invite you to label yourself as a perfectionist. Instead, I want to explore some of the sneakier ways this trap might be adding to your anxiety and stress, especially in how you think about and relate to your kids.
When I look back on raising my boys, I can see perfectionism showing up for me in so many big and small ways. When my oldest first started high school, I was already really focused on helping him get into a competitive college. I truly believed he had the capability to go anywhere he wanted.
But I also knew how crazy the college process was, so I became hyper-focused on helping him access every resource, essentially to help him follow what I thought was the right path to help him be successful. But then when things didn't work out the way I thought they needed to in order for him to be successful, I felt like I'd let him down, like we were risking his success. On the one hand, you could hear me share all this and be thinking, yep, you had high standards for your son.
But it was actually more that I thought that there was a right way to go about helping him succeed, a certain rubric he needed to follow. Needless to say, his journey looked nothing like I thought it would. And yet, I've watched him grow into his own version of success in ways I never could have predicted.
My youngest is equally smart, but it took him longer to find his motivation, and my version of parenting him was to ride him, to nag him, and try to get him to be motivated. I thought there was a right way to set boundaries around his gaming and the way he studied, that if I could just parent him in the right way, I could get him to be more motivated. And as both of my boys grew up and faced different challenges, my instinct was always to follow this same pattern.
They'd be dealing with something hard or not approaching things in ways I thought they should, and in my mind, I felt like there was something very specific I needed to do right in order for us to get through it. Even now, I catch myself wondering if I'm supporting my boys in the right ways. Am I checking in enough? Is there something I need to say to make sure they're feeling okay or on track? Are they making decisions that I think will help set them up for success? And look, I'm onto myself now.
But what I hope you're hearing and most likely connecting with is that there's this element of perfectionism that actually drives this instinct we have as moms to want to find the right way to support and guide and challenge our kids so that they can be safe, happy, and fulfilled in their life. And honestly, that sounds a lot like what we think being a good mom is supposed to look like, right? The truth is, perfectionism isn't really about being perfect. It's really the belief that there's a right way to do this and that we as moms are responsible for finding it.
But even more, the underlying motivation for perfectionism is fear. Fear that if we don't get it right, we'll face regret or disappointment or consequences we desperately want to avoid. And the flip side of that is the hope that if we do get it right, we'll finally feel at peace.
Our kids will be good people and happy and successful in their lives. But the hard truth is there is no perfect formula for parenting. There's no perfect way to say things or to support your kids.
And even when you find something that works with one kid at one point, things change and whatever you're doing stops working. And to be honest, you never really know if what you've done is right until you see how things play out. And sometimes that takes a long time.
And so we're constantly left in this uncomfortable place of wanting the right answer and feeling totally unsure of what that even is. So let's talk about all of the ways perfectionism shows up for us moms. It starts as you're thinking through how to approach a parenting decision.
Maybe you know you need to set a boundary or you're thinking through how to have a conversation with your kid. And what's interesting is that for some moms, this is where they feel very certain. They think, I know what the right thing to do is.
I just need to get them to try harder or to go to class more. And look, if you think you know what to do and you tell your kid to do it and they actually do it, fantastic. Honestly, I think at least for me, this is why parenting my boys when they were younger was so much easier.
Because I got my way a lot of the time. It was easier for me to feel like I was getting it right when they just went along with what I told them to do. But notice what happens once your kids stop doing that, when they don't go along with what you think the right thing to do is anymore.
All of a sudden, your kid is pushing back or just ignoring your advice. You're still convinced that you know what's right, and yet you can't get them to listen or take your advice. And then there are some moms who have the opposite experience.
They're not exactly sure what the right answer is. So instead of feeling certain, they second guess themselves. So they might hesitate to do anything.
Or when they do try to approach their kid in some way, and it doesn't go the way they hoped, they're quick to tell themselves they're doing something wrong. And what I want to invite you to hear is that even though these two experiences look different on the outside, they're actually coming from the same place. They're both coming from the belief that there's a right answer.
One mom feels pressure to execute that right answer, and the other feels pressure to find the right answer. But underneath both, it's the same fear that if I get this wrong, it's going to be a problem. It's not always fear that something terrible is about to happen right now.
It can also be the fear that if you get this wrong, it's going to matter in a way you can't undo for the future. That this boundary or this decision is either going to guide my kid to be the best version of themselves or to have the best outcomes later on in life, or I'm going to fail to do that for them. We feel this pressure and responsibility that our parenting decisions are going to affect who they become, or whether they struggle, or if they're okay.
We desperately want to avoid the fear of regret. We don't want to have to look back one day and think, I should have handled that differently, or I should have pushed harder, maybe not push so hard. The last thing we would ever want to do is fail at something that matters so much to us.
So whether you're the mom who feels very sure of what to do and just can't get her kid to do it, or if you're the mom who second guesses herself, believe it or not, the pressure is coming from the same place. You're trying to protect your kid from failure and disappointment, which makes so much sense. But what's interesting is you're also trying to protect yourself from failure and disappointment.
Essentially, you want to prevent for yourself the pain of believing you didn't do enough or didn't do it right. And my friend, if this is working for you, if you're able to prevent pain in some way in your life, by all means do it. I'm certainly not encouraging you to stop doing what you can or that you shouldn't be trying to find the right way that works to approach your kid.
The problem is when your peace and well-being, your ability to let go of stress and anxiety, is tied to getting it right, you never actually let yourself relax. Even when nothing is obviously wrong, you're constantly looking for evidence that you got it right, or for evidence that you still have more to do. So you find yourself watching your kid for signs that something is off, or wondering if you should say something else.
It's like there's always this low-level pressure to stay on top of things so nothing goes off the rails. And what you may already know from experience, and I know this is true for me in the past, is that constant mental and emotional effort is exhausting. The other negative effect of perfectionism is that it erodes your confidence.
Because when you believe there's a right way to do this parenting thing, every time something doesn't go well, you second-guess yourself, question your decisions, essentially tell yourself you've gotten it wrong, that there's a right way to do this and you just haven't found it yet. The irony is, if you're a mom listening to a podcast like this, I already know that you are always trying to be the best mom you can be. I know that there isn't a day that you wake up and decide that you want to mess things up on purpose.
But the mindset trap of perfectionism makes it hard to give yourself credit for that. On top of the negative effect perfectionism has on you and your emotional well-being, there's also a cost to your relationship with your big kid. Because even when you don't mean to, perfectionism creates pressure for your kid to be different than who they are right now.
It's pressure to do better or respond to you in the way that you hope they will. And on the one hand, if we're being really honest with ourselves, we want this. We want our kids to listen to us.
We want them to learn and make choices that serve them. The problem is when perfectionism is driving our need for our kid to change, our kids don't always feel supported. In fact, they can feel like who they are right now isn't quite enough, that they are not good enough.
And even when we never say that out loud, they can feel it in our tone or in our urgency, really in how emotionally invested we are in getting them to change. And that pressure doesn't often motivate them in the way we hope it will. In fact, more often than not, it creates distance when they push back or pull away.
And that's the last thing we want. So let's take a moment to explore why our brains default to perfectionism. Because what's happening here isn't a character flaw.
It's simply how our brains are wired. At the most basic level, your brain is always trying to do three things. It wants to avoid pain, feel safe and comfortable, and to keep things feeling easy and predictable.
So when you think about perfectionism through that lens, it actually makes a lot of sense. You want to avoid the pain of seeing your big kid struggle. You want to avoid feeling disappointed or worried or just helpless.
All of these emotions are uncomfortable. And so your brain's default instinct is to try to avoid these feelings. So our minds offer what actually seems like a pretty reasonable solution.
That if I can just do this the right way, then maybe I won't have to feel so terrible. Our brains also want to keep us comfortable. And think about how comforting it is when you believe you have the right answer.
So many moms will tell me, I wish someone would just tell me what to do. If someone could just give me a step-by-step manual for how to do it right, it feels like it would be a relief. Like finally, answers.
Thinking that there's a right answer gives your mind something solid to hold on to, especially when things feel stressful or uncertain. And finally, our brains just want things to be predictable and easy. Sitting with uncertainty is really uncomfortable.
So our brains look for shortcuts. Again, if there's a rule or a formula or a way this is supposed to go, your brain is going to latch onto it because it feels easier than sitting with that uncertainty. So perfectionism isn't your brain trying to make you miserable.
It's actually your brain's way of trying to help. The problem is that the solution it offers doesn't actually work. Because even when you do things perfectly, even if you were to map out the perfect strategy, the perfect plan, or the perfect script for the conversation, you actually have zero control over how your big kid is going to respond to it.
And this is why this mindset trap of perfectionism is so painful when it comes to parenting our big kids. Because my friend, you can approach your kid in the calmest, most thoughtful, and loving way, and they can still react in a way you didn't expect or want. And in those moments, it's so tempting to make that mean you did something wrong.
But the truth is their response isn't evidence of your failure. You're just dealing with another human being with their own thoughts and emotions and reasons for doing what they do. It's interesting to consider that they are also trying to figure out what's right for them.
And what that looks like is often very messy on the outside as they're growing up. And so the question is, who gets to be right? One of the most common places I see moms falling into this trap is around boundaries. Moms will say something like, I know I need to set a boundary here.
But underneath that is almost always a belief that there's a right boundary to set that will finally get their kid to change. Whether it's about schoolwork or screen time or getting your kid to get a job after they graduate, we hope that there's some boundary we can set to get them to do what we think they really should be doing. But often in my conversations with these moms, it's clear that they've already tried to set some rule or had numerous conversations with their big kid, and their kid just hasn't listened.
So you can find yourself either trying to find another rule or consequence or have another conversation that will finally work better, or you give up entirely. And to be honest, sometimes you find yourself ping-ponging between the two extremes because you find yourself totally at a loss for what the right boundary is. But here's the thing.
In these cases, we're typically measuring the success of the boundary by whether or not our kid does what we want them to do. Then when our big kid doesn't change in the way we wanted them to, we assume the boundary was wrong. Essentially, the way we define the right boundary is that it's the one that makes them do what we want.
So notice how this mindset trap bumps against a trap I explored recently, the illusion of control. Perfectionism shows up when we're trying to find the right boundary, but then the way we know it's right is if it results in us having control. And the reason all of this matters is because a lot of the times, the boundary we're trying to set when we're falling into these traps is one we can't actually hold because it turns us into someone we don't want to be, constantly monitoring our kids, policing them, nagging them.
And it also starts to feel a little unfair, not just to our kids, but to us because we're carrying all the emotional labor of enforcing something that isn't actually sustainable because we don't actually have control. Another place perfectionism can show up is around connection with our big kids. I hear moms say all the time, I just want my kid to talk to me.
I want to feel close to them again. And of course you do. But then we try to find the right way to connect.
Moms will often ask me about boundaries that might make connection easier, like should I make my kid eat dinner with me every night, or make them get off their phone for five minutes just to talk to me. And look, you can always invite this type of connection, but what happens if your kid sits at the dinner table and still doesn't talk to you, or they get off their phone and they just stare at you. They've technically done what you want, but it's not actually what you wanted.
And so then you try again. You tell them how they should be acting or treating you. You try to think about a better way to say it, or maybe a better rule to get them to follow it.
Notice how again, perfectionism bumps against the illusion of control, thinking there's a right way to connect with your kid that will get them to actually connect back with you in the way that you want. Perfectionism also shows up in how much we take on as moms. We keep track of everything in our families.
We try to anticipate what everyone needs before they need it. It's actually one of my pet peeves that I go to the grocery store and try to make sure I get everyone's favorite things, and then I come home and someone's asking for something that I forgot, and I get annoyed with myself. We've somehow put ourselves in charge of everyone else's needs, and even their responsibilities.
So when our kids have assignments or things they need to get done, we put ourselves in charge of reminding and managing them until they get that thing done. It's like we have this belief that if we don't stay on top of things, something will fall apart. And just like the way we can approach boundaries and connecting with our kids, our hope is that if we do enough or stay on top of things enough, then our lives will run more smoothly and everyone will be okay.
But what actually happens is that we get exhausted and resentful and overwhelmed. We feel like it's all on us, but we're not really sure how to let it all go. This, my friend, is also perfectionism.
And again, it's not us trying to be perfect, but rather our hope that we can prevent problems and pain by taking everything on as our own. So perfectionism shows up in our lives anywhere we believe it's on us to prevent problems, or manage outcomes, or make sure everything turns out okay. Whether that's with our kids, or in our relationships, in our work, or just in our lives in general.
So the question really becomes, what is enough? Because when you're caught in this mindset trap, enough is never clearly defined. It's always just a little bit more. It's one more reminder about the assignment you already mentioned.
It's one more check-in text just to make sure they're okay. One more dinner where you're hoping your kid will connect with you. It's adding one more thing on your already long to-do list.
And the tricky part of this is none of these things feel unreasonable on their own. But when enough is always just a little bit more, you never actually get to feel done. Because you're waiting for something outside of you to tell you that you can stop.
You tell yourself you'll stop reminding them when your kid finally shows you they're responsible, or you'll stop worrying about connection when they respond in the way that you hope. It'll be enough when everything feels settled, when everyone's doing what they should be doing, and the list is finally checked off. But has that ever actually happened, my friend? Have you ever found that nirvana where everything is actually perfect? I'm guessing no.
Or actually, what I'm willing to bet is that there have been times when you look around at your life and you think, everything is okay. Maybe the kids are all home, in bed, or everyone's around the dinner table laughing. Or you get through a stressful time and you finally realize it's behind you.
In those beautiful moments, you're looking at your life and you're deciding, this is enough. And in those moments, nothing magical has happened. Your kids didn't suddenly become perfect.
Life didn't suddenly get easy and predictable. What changed in those moments was you. You stopped looking for what could go wrong and were present with what was right.
You stopped telling yourself you hadn't done enough. You weren't waiting for permission to believe that everything was okay. You simply let yourself decide that this is enough right now.
We think those moments feel peaceful because everything finally worked out. But really, they feel peaceful because for a moment, you stopped making yourself responsible for changing the reality of your life. You allowed things to be exactly as they are.
Uncertain. Imperfect. And you were okay anyway.
So defining enough is simply a decision you make. It's deciding, I don't need my kid to be different in order to trust myself to do what's right here. Or I don't need to get everything done to give myself permission to rest.
I don't need certainty to let go of the things that I can't actually control. My friend, the reason these decisions are hard to make is because they go against how most of us have learned how to feel safe. For so long, we've relied on effort and problem solving and even controlling our kids to manage our discomfort.
So choosing to trust yourself without your kid changing, or to rest without everything being done, or to let go without certainty, it can feel almost irresponsible at first. Your brain is going to tell you that you're giving up, or being careless, or missing something important. But what's really happening is that you're stepping out of control as a coping strategy.
It feels risky, but deciding what's enough and having your back about it, it's the only place where your peace and well-being is actually in your control. Understanding this, how to trust yourself to know what's enough even when things are messy, this is the work we do in my coaching program, Mom 2.0. This isn't a parenting class. It's a step-by-step process to help you learn how to have your own back, how to set boundaries with yourself about how you want to show up as a mom, how you decide what's enough when it comes to supporting your kids, and even how to decide what responsibilities you take on in every area of your life, whether that's managing your to-do list or managing how everyone else in your life feels.
My friend, deciding what is enough is a superpower, and it's also a skill set you can learn, and it starts with understanding what's getting in your way. How can you balance caring so much without carrying everything? Answering this question is the key to building the self-trust to know that you don't actually need your kid to be different to believe that you're a good mom, and you also don't need to hold the weight of everyone else's life for things to be okay. When you decide what's enough and have your own back, you start living from a place of trust instead of fear.
My friend, what would it look like to let this moment where you are right now be enough? It's simply a decision you get to make. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
