WHEN YOUR BIG KID IS FAILING TO LAUNCH—WHY BOUNDARIES AREN'T THE REAL PROBLEM | EP. 217
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
When your big kid isn't moving forward the way that you'd hoped, do you ever secretly wonder if you failed them? I hear moms use the phrase, my kid is failing to launch, all the time. And every time I hear it, I know how much weight that phrase carries. Because it's not really about timelines or independence, it's about fear.
Fear that your child won't figure things out, and that maybe you did something wrong along the way. And if your big kid is still in college, or even still at home in high school, you can already be feeling this fear. So today, I want to unpack what we really mean when we say a kid is failing to launch, why the usual advice about boundaries often misses the point, and how you can start finding peace in a chapter that feels anything but certain. So let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. There's something I hear quite a bit from other moms, and that's the phrase, my kid is failing to launch.
I hear this from moms whose kids have just graduated college and aren't sure what comes next. But I'll also hear this from moms as they talk about their kid's future, that they worry that this might be a reality for their kid, especially if they're struggling in school or in life in some way. And what's interesting is that this phrase, failing to launch, is a relatively recent expression that's become a way many of us talk about the experience of young adults who aren't moving into independence in a traditional timeline.
Typically, when we're thinking about the failure to launch, we have this fear that our kid doesn't quite know what comes next. Maybe they don't know what they're doing after college, or they decided not to go to college and there's no clear plan now. Or maybe they're years beyond college and still haven't found stable work or a direction that feels like forward momentum.
And often when a kid fails to launch, it means your kid is living back at home. And before I go any further, I want to be really clear about something. There are a lot of reasons why a kid would come to live back home for a period of time.
I looked up the statistics, and according to research, about 18% of adults age 25 or older are living back at home. And that number is even higher in states like California and Texas. And honestly, there are very real, practical reasons why a kid might move back home.
I mean, first, the cost of living is high. Housing is expensive. And in many places, it's simply not feasible for a young adult to live on their own unless they've secured a job that pays enough to cover rent and everything else.
Or unless we as parents are footing the bill. So I want to be really clear here that a kid living at home does not automatically mean they're failing to launch. In fact, in some cultures, it's completely normal for adult children to live at home with their families.
And so what we're really talking about when a mom says, my kid is failing to launch, isn't just where the kid is living. You know, it's interesting because I think moms are generally very reluctant to use the word fail in the context of their kids. I mean, the last thing we want is for our kids to fail at anything.
So when a mom says their kid is failing to launch, it signals to me that she's in pain and worried about her kid's future. And even if your kid isn't living at home, maybe they're still in college or even still in high school, you still might be hearing this and noticing that there's a part of you that really worries that this could be you in a few years, that your kid is going to end up back at home or maybe never leave after high school. And then what? Okay, so what are we even talking about when we say a kid is failing to launch? Typically, we're talking about a kid who hasn't quite figured out their next steps.
Again, maybe they don't know what they're doing after college, or maybe they've decided not to go to college, but they haven't landed on a career path in its place. It could also be a kid who's several years beyond college and still not holding down a full-time job or having a clear plan for how to support themselves. So there's a lot of uncertainty here.
But the problem isn't just that the path is unclear. It's that they don't seem to be making much progress in a positive direction. Because look, as a 52-year-old woman, I sometimes think I'm not quite sure what my next five years are going to look like.
And I would never say that I'm failing to launch. So not knowing exactly what's next isn't the problem. What makes this difference is the combination of uncertainty and what looks like a lack of momentum toward our kids supporting themselves and truly being independent.
So it's watching your kid have a lot of free time, a lot of freedom, and not making much progress. It's seeing them spend their days scrolling or gaming, vaping, hanging out with friends, working just a part-time job, but really not moving toward anything that feels stable or sustainable. And as a mom, when you're watching your kid do this, it's easy for our minds to go to, if they don't get on the ball now, what's going to happen later? Or how long can this go on? Or maybe even, what if this is just who they are if they're not capable of being independent? And look, these are understandable questions.
But often, when we're in this place of watching our kids struggle or stay stuck, we're often also asking ourselves, how did we get here? There's this very real sense that if our kid is failing to launch, then somehow we failed them too. Like their struggle is a reflection of our parenting. And this also makes sense.
I mean, as moms, we take responsibility for our kids. We always have. We feel responsible for keeping them safe, for helping them succeed.
And the truth is, that sense of responsibility doesn't magically disappear just because your kid is 21 or 25 or even 40. If you care about your kids, it is also very possible that a part of you still feels responsible for their happiness and their success, no matter what their age. And I also want to acknowledge that this isn't everyone's experience.
Some of you may be listening and thinking, well, my mom didn't feel responsible for me. Or at least it didn't feel that way. And for some of us, that experience actually might make us feel more responsible for our own kids now.
We don't want to just throw them out into the world and tell them it's their problem. We want to support them in a way that maybe we didn't feel supported ourselves growing up. And for others of us, we grew up in families where support was the norm.
And so this just feels like what you do as a parent. So no matter how you grew up, if you're a mom listening to a podcast like this, I'm willing to bet that you feel a deep sense of responsibility to help your kids be safe, happy, and successful. I know that's true for me.
And when you combine that sense of responsibility with the fear that your kid isn't moving forward, it can feel really uncomfortable. Because now it's not just their failure you're observing. It can feel like yours too.
And on top of that discomfort, there's the very real challenge that having your adult kid at home living with you is complicated and often not easy. I mean, I feel it when my boys are back I just said goodbye to both of my boys as they went back to college. And having them home for the holidays was amazing in so many ways, and also chaos in others.
The kitchen was always a mess. There were piles of laundry everywhere. Someone was up at all hours of the night, but then also sleeping in late into the morning.
And I share all that not to complain about my boys, but just to acknowledge that having your adult kids at home is challenging in ways that's different than when they're younger. As adults, your kids think of themselves as independent. So they come and go as they please.
They're out late. You don't always know when they're going to be back home. But they eat your food, and they use your space.
And meanwhile, you can feel like you're back in this strange in-between place, cleaning up after them again, but not really parenting them or having any influence over them in the same way you used to. And yes, there are definitely moments of connection you might not have if they weren't living at home. There are dinners together and the conversations you might not otherwise have.
And those moments can feel really special if you're in the moment for them. But the trade-off is that you're also living with them, and there are some inconveniences you might have to put up with. But even worse, you can't help but notice what's not happening in their life.
The lack of urgency to figure out a plan, or the lack of progress towards something that feels like an eventual launching point. And I want to be really clear about something else here. This has nothing to do with not loving your kid.
Every single mom I've worked with in this situation loves their kid. But this is also not just about wanting them gone out of the house. It's about living in uncertainty with no clear endpoint.
I've had moms say to me, I feel trapped. They worry about whether their kid will ever be able to afford living on their own. They worry about their kid's mental health, their depression or ADHD or anxiety, making it hard for their kid to focus or to get motivated and follow through.
They worry about school not working out the way everyone hoped, and what that means for their kid's future options. And even if you understand some of the reasons why your kid might be struggling, you might also start to feel a little taken advantage of. You see your kid living at home, largely on your dime, also not making much progress.
Maybe they're working part-time, but they still have a lot of free time. So they're gaming and scrolling, hanging out with friends. And from your perspective, that time feels like an opportunity they're wasting.
And that's where you can start to feel really frustrated. Because for most of us moms, we're not looking for a specific outcome necessarily. We just want to see some progress, some effort that shows a glimmer of hope that our kid might be headed in the right direction.
So this is usually the point where we start saying to ourselves, I need to set some boundaries here. And our natural instinct is to try to create some structure, to figure out what the rules or the expectations should be, or to get clear with your kid about what's acceptable and what's not. And so that might look like saying you need to apply to a certain number of jobs each week, or you need to clean up after yourself, or contribute around the house, or not engage in some kind of behavior like vaping or smoking.
But this is where things get tricky. Because what are the consequences if your adult kid doesn't respect your boundaries? I mean, there are some boundaries that we can enforce ourselves. Like if your boundary is that your kid has to do their own laundry, you can enforce that by just not doing their laundry for them.
But then, you also can't really enforce how they do their own laundry, or how often, or whether they fold it and put it away once it's done. Financial support is another example of a boundary that you can clearly enforce. Because beyond giving your kid a roof over their head and access to food in the house, you can absolutely control how much extra spending money you give them, if any.
You have control over how many of their personal expenses you contribute to, like their cell phone bill, or their car payments, or insurance. So when you think about it, you have total control over your effort on your kid's behalf, and also the amount of financial support you give them. But how are you going to enforce expectations like the number of job applications your kid submits each day, or how long they spend gaming or scrolling on their phone? The truth is, you can't control their level of motivation, or what time they come home, or how they choose to spend their free time.
You can certainly try to set expectations around those things, but then the question becomes, what happens if your kid doesn't follow or meet these expectations? And this is where so many of us find ourselves stuck. Because when you really think it through, there aren't that many levers left to pull with your adult kid. Ultimately, the biggest one is kicking your kid out.
And even if that might be a reasonable boundary at some point, it often feels like a last resort moms really don't want to have to take. So you're left in this uncomfortable in-between place. You feel responsible and frustrated.
You might even feel disrespected when your kid ignores your expectations. And then on top of all of this, you feel powerless because you don't actually have a consequence you can enforce that will get your kid motivated. And this is where we can start to feel resentful.
Because here we are, letting our adult kid live at home, supporting them financially in some or maybe even many ways, and also trying to support them emotionally and logistically. And so because of this, we often have an unarticulated expectation in our heads that goes something like, I'm letting you live here, so you should be doing more. Or I'm supporting you, so you should be pulling your weight around the house.
Appreciate everything I'm doing for you. I'm helping you, so you should respect my boundaries. The problem is that this often unarticulated expectation, what I call an invisible contract, was never actually signed by your kid.
They haven't agreed to abide by your expectations. And yet you're holding on to them in your mind, silently keeping score, and feeling more and more resentful when your kid doesn't meet them. And you might be hearing all of this and thinking, that feels completely unacceptable.
Because from your perspective, you are doing a lot. You're offering a place to live and support. You're giving your kid time and space to figure things out.
And so it makes total sense that you would feel like there should be some level of responsibility or effort on their end in return. So I want to be really clear that this is not about saying your expectations are unreasonable. They're not.
In fact, I'm willing to bet that they make perfect logical sense. The issue isn't whether your expectations are valid. It's that they're either unspoken, or unenforceable, or both.
And when expectations live only in your head, without a shared agreement or a consequence you're actually willing to follow through on, they just create resentment for you. When I've had conversations with clients in this position, they'll often say to me, well, what if I just sit down with my kid and create a written contract? I mean, it feels like that would make things more clear. Like if everything were spelled out, what you're offering and what they're expected to do in return, then maybe you'd feel better.
But even then, the same questions remain. What happens if they still don't follow through? Even if they did agree to meet the expectation originally? And what's the consequence you're actually willing and able to enforce? Because if the answer still isn't kicking them out, and you don't have any other levers to pull, then you're right back where you started. Frustrated, disappointed, and feeling stuck and powerless.
When I'm working with moms in any situation where they're feeling frustrated by their kids' behavior, I tend to spend time with them on this topic of expectations. Because the truth is, we tend to underestimate how many expectations we actually have. We usually think we only have a few.
I just want them to get a job. I just want them to show some initiative. But what we don't often admit, or even consciously recognize in ourselves, is that we often have many layers of expectations for our kids.
We have expectations about their effort, about how hard they should be trying, how many hours a day should be spent on doing something productive. We have expectations about how seriously they should be taking this phase of their life, and specifically what that looks like in our minds. We also have expectations about their priorities, how much time they should spend on applications versus socializing, or on saving money versus spending it.
We have expectations about their attitude, that they should be grateful and respectful and kind and helpful. We'd love to see evidence that they're visibly concerned about us in a way that feels like we matter to them. And on that note, we have expectations around how they show up in our home.
We want them to pick up after themselves, not leave dishes in the sink, food on the counter, or clothes on the floor. And we'd love it if they'd do something to help out. We're not asking for a lot.
Maybe taking out the trash, emptying the dishwasher. And on top of that, it would be really great if they would help out without having to be asked, and definitely without having to be reminded. And what makes all of these expectations even harder is that many of us think these shouldn't even have to be expectations.
We tell ourselves this is just basic decency, basic adulthood. So when these expectations aren't met, it can feel like our kids are just totally disregarding us. Like if they cared, they would do this.
The tricky part is that many of these expectations aren't things we're consciously deciding on. They're shaped by our own experiences and our values and our fears and the stories our brain tells us about what's at stake. And when those expectations aren't met, when reality doesn't match those hopes and expectations, we feel frustrated, disappointed, and even resentful.
At the heart of all of this, there's one belief that's driving this frustration. And that's that if we could just get our kids to do the right things, then everything would start to move forward. And it actually just feels like the truth.
That if they followed our advice, used their time better, and took their next steps more seriously, that then they'd launch. And then we could finally relax. But my friend, this belief drives what I call the illusion of control.
It's the idea that there's something you can say or do, some boundary or some consequence, that will make your adult child want what you want for them, at the pace that you want it. And I want to acknowledge that this belief comes from love and a deep sense of responsibility you feel to help and support your big kid. But it's still a lie.
Because no matter what you do, you cannot make your adult child more motivated until they decide to motivate themselves. You also can't force them to care in the way that you care or control their timeline or their readiness for what comes next for them. But when you believe you can or should be able to control these things, when you keep trying to find the right lever to pull, and then it doesn't work, you end up feeling more exhausted and frustrated, all because you're doing the impossible, trying to control or at least influence something that is simply not in your control.
And this is also why so many of us moms that are in this situation with our big kids just feel stuck. Because once you realize you can't make your kid launch and you're not willing to kick them out, you're left with this uncomfortable truth that the only thing you really have control over is you. And that's how you respond, what you continue to provide and what you don't, what enforceable boundaries you set up, and also how much peace you're willing to sacrifice trying to change something you can't.
And this all can feel really uncomfortable to wrap your mind around at first, but it's also the start of being able to take your power back. Because even though you can't control how and when your kid launches, you are actually making choices right now. You didn't have to let your kid come back home or continue living with you after high school.
And even if it felt like the only loving, morally responsible option, it's still a choice. And when you don't fully own that choice and why you made it, you can start to feel like the victim of that choice, like you're trapped in a situation you didn't agree to, or like your kid owes you something in return for your sacrifice. And look, owning the choice doesn't mean you're committing to it forever.
It also doesn't mean you approve of everything your kid is doing. But owning the decision you've made to let your kid live at home means you're finally telling yourself the truth. I am choosing to let my kid live here.
I'm choosing to offer this support. And maybe also, I'm choosing this because right now, it aligns with my values. And when you really own this, my friend, instead of fighting reality and feeling trapped by it, you can start asking a different question.
Not how do I get my big kid to change, but how do I want to show up, given that this is my choice right now, to have my kid here at home. The place I usually start with moms is not rules and consequences, but expectations. Getting really honest with yourself about what you're expecting, what you're really wishing would be different, and then deciding which of those expectations actually need to become boundaries, and which you might need to let go of.
Because here's the key. Boundaries are only effective if you can enforce them. And the best, most effective boundaries are always about you, not about trying to change your kid, but about deciding how you're going to show up.
So that might look like setting a boundary around money. For example, what you're willing to provide and what you're not. It could also look like deciding what you're willing to clean up, and what you're not willing to clean up, but then following through, even when it's uncomfortable.
It could look like you choosing not to engage in daily arguments about how they're spending their time, and also noticing how much energy that constant mental monitoring has been costing you. And it might also look like redirecting some of that attention back to yourself, to your peace in your life, rather than living in a constant state of vigilance about how to get your kid to launch. And all of this is exactly the kind of work we do inside of Mom 2.0. Mom 2.0 is my one-on-one coaching program for moms of big kids who feel stuck in anxiety, frustration, or resentment, and want to learn how to show up differently without abandoning their kids or themselves.
In this program, we don't focus on fixing your kid. We focus on helping you feel calmer and more confident, so that no matter what your kid is doing, you're not living in a constant state of emotional turmoil. So if listening to this episode feels like I'm inside your head, then Mom 2.0 may be exactly the kind of support you need.
You can find more information in the show notes. If there's one thing I want to invite you to take from this episode, it's this. Your kid's struggle does not mean that you've failed.
Whether your big kid is living at home right now, still in college, or younger and on their way there to whatever comes next, the fear that they might not figure things out can feel overwhelming. And when you care this much about your kid, it's almost impossible not to take that fear personally. But uncertainty is not failure, and a delayed timeline is not a verdict on you or them.
What makes all of this so painful isn't that your kid hasn't launched yet. It's the belief that you should be able to make it happen. The belief that if you just try harder, or worry more, or set the right rules, or say the right thing, that you can control the outcome.
Letting go of that belief doesn't mean letting go of your kid. It means letting go of the fight with reality. You can love your kid deeply.
You can offer support. You can set boundaries that protect you. And you can also choose peace, even when the future feels uncertain.
But all of this starts with you owning your decisions and focusing on what you can control. And that, my friend, is all about deciding how you want to show up. And believe it or not, you have so much more power than you think.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
