THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—“I'M ALREADY DISAPPOINTED BY THE HOLIDAYS” | EP. 212
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I'm already disappointed by the holidays. I remember so many years being right in the middle of a holiday, with my family all around me, a lot of the work already done, and thinking to myself that what was really left should be to just be in the moment of the holiday. But instead, I felt this overwhelming sense of disappointment.
It was this combination of there's still so much to do. The house is a mess. I've got to clean everything up.
And having everyone around feels chaotic. You're not sure who's coming or going. Everyone's doing what they want to do, up in their rooms, not seeming interested in being together, not helping out.
So you're right in the middle of what feels like it should be a really joyful time, but you're exhausted by all of it. You can't help but think that you've lost out on something. It's not that you don't love your family.
You just feel the sense that I'm already disappointed and it's not even over yet. Maybe even that it's too late. Another holiday wasted feeling stressed and even a little resentful.
I know the way that I used to deal with that sense of disappointment and overwhelm is that I would just work harder. I would constantly be cleaning, writing to-do lists for all the things I had to get accomplished. I'd be ordering last-minute gifts, running back to the grocery store, constantly trying to get this never-ending list of things done.
And in my mind, I felt like I had to be doing these things. It felt like, if I can just get these things done, then I'll get to relax. But what I've come to realize is that all of this effort, this I'll-feel-better-when-I-get-these-things-done mentality, it never actually got me there.
A week or so ago, I was in New York City to shop and see the tree. It's almost like, during the holidays, I used to feel like those horses pulling the carriages around Central Park. They have blinders on, and you get the sense that there must be something in front of them, like a carrot they're always walking toward, but they never quite reach it.
It feels like such a perfect metaphor for what we do to ourselves. We're constantly chasing this moment where the job is finally done, and then we'll get to relax and enjoy ourselves. But when you operate that way, that moment never actually comes.
And you kind of realize this even in the midst of the holiday, right? Because there's so much you feel like you have to do, and it's like you can already sense that feeling that this is an impossible task. There's no way you're going to get it all done. Which feels like it means there's no way you're going to reach that moment of peace and contentment you were really hoping to create.
To be honest, I wonder if all of this busyness that we put on ourselves is really just a buffer against uncomfortable feelings we really don't want to have to feel over the holidays. It's almost like the effort we put in, it's the one thing we feel like we can control. So we focus on the food, and cleaning the house, and trying not to forget everything.
I remember so many holidays where I was hyper-focused on keeping the kitchen counter clean. It was like even though I knew someone would be back in the kitchen eating something five minutes later, I had to clean up again. So every time I walked into the kitchen and saw another dish or random open container on the counter, I felt this twinge of resentment, like why is there someone always eating in this house? Then I'd stress about the gifts I forgot to get, or the piles that weren't quite even.
We think it's about the mess or the gifts, but really what I think it is, is that somewhere along the way we decided that managing the things is how we manage our feelings. That if the food is right, and the house is clean, and no one is upset, and nothing gets forgotten, then we won't have to feel disappointed or let down. That maybe then we could enjoy ourselves for just a little while.
When you look at it this way, you can see that there's an element of perfectionism here. That we hold out on ourselves the ability to feel at peace until we get it all done a certain way. But I actually don't think that that's the biggest problem.
Because if it were just about wanting things to be perfect, I think we're pretty realistic about the reality of perfection when it comes to a clean house and getting the perfect gift, especially over the holidays. We're not really looking for perfection. We're looking to achieve some sense of good enough.
Not too much of a mess, or enough presents to feel like we did our best. And don't get me wrong, this can already feel like a lot. We still set the bar impossibly high for ourselves a lot of the time.
But what if the real problem isn't perfectionism, but more of an honest and understandable desire for the comfort that comes from having some degree of control? I did a workshop recently where I talked about the responsibility we feel for other people's feelings, especially over the holidays. Now on the one hand, it makes perfect sense. As moms, of course we care how other people feel.
And this is especially true for our kids and our family. But there is a difference between caring about how other people feel and feeling responsible to fix or manage their emotional experience. And honestly, it's why we find ourselves constantly feeling like we need to check in on everyone to be sure they're okay, or trying to work hard to avoid anyone's disappointment.
Moms will tell me all the time that they feel like they're constantly walking on eggshells, holding back on what they really want to say because they don't want to get into an argument. Or you feel like you have to drop all of your expectations of what you're hoping for or want because everyone else seems to be really good at just doing what they want. All of this means that you're responsible for everyone else's emotions at the expense of your own.
Which means you're left feeling a lot of pressure, overwhelmed, disappointed, frustrated, and resentful. You've got to bottle it up. Suck it up.
Because it's your job to make the holidays special for everyone else. Is any of this sounding familiar? So this is what we do. We focus on what we can control.
The food, the house, the gifts, the special moments we try to create. Is it because it's safer to focus on the logistics? Maybe. Safer in some ways because you have total control over your effort.
You don't have to negotiate with anyone else about how many times you clean the kitchen counter. I think you can also feel safer because it's a distraction. As painful as cleaning and cooking and organizing for a whole house of people can be, it's also something to do that gets you out of your own head.
It's like I don't have time to feel frustrated that my kid is gaming all day because I have things to do. Or I don't have the space to stress about how my kid did on their finals or midterms because I have a few more Christmas presents to buy. And don't get me wrong, I know there's a lot to do.
And it often feels like we moms are the only ones who do them. But also, isn't there a little comfort in being able to sink into the busyness of the season? To not have to sit with your uncomfortable feelings for very long. Even as I'm saying this, is a part of you saying to yourself, Nope, that's fine.
Give me the busyness. I'd 10 times out of 10 prefer that to sitting with my feelings. In fact, you might even be thinking, I don't even know what that would look like, to sit with my uncomfortable feelings.
You might think it feels like that would just be self-indulgent, feeling sorry for yourself. Better to keep yourself busy and productive so that you can at least feel good about the result of your effort, even if you're the only one who appreciates it. And I want to be really clear about something.
I don't actually think there's anything wrong with doing something active to work through your emotions. Staying busy, organizing, cleaning, even filling your calendar. None of those things are bad in and of themselves.
But it's worth just getting honest with yourself about whether you're using busyness as a way to escape how you're feeling, or as a way to try to create a feeling that you want, whether that be peace, joy, or connection. It's like the doing becomes a way to resist whatever uncomfortable emotions you're experiencing, whether that be the sadness and hurt that might come from your kid not engaging with you the way you want, or the disappointment about who's choosing to spend time with you over the holidays, or the frustration of looking around your house and seeing a mess because your kids leave things everywhere and don't clean up after themselves. Or maybe it's the ongoing frustration about where your big kid is in their life and what they're doing with themselves.
And then on top of all of that, there's just the tension that comes from everyone being together for longer stretches of time. The truth that we don't post about is that there is a good deal of discomfort that comes with the holidays. Because this is how life actually works.
Even the things we love most come with both joy and discomfort. Not because anything's wrong, but simply because we care so much. When something matters to us, we have expectations and hopes attached to it.
And so when real life doesn't line up with those hopes and expectations, discomfort is part of that experience. So for example, you can feel excited that your kids are home and also feel totally overwhelmed by the mess and the change in the routine. Or you can love your family and also feel disappointed when everyone retreats to their rooms or seems more interested in their phones than being together.
You can be grateful to have your kids with you for the holidays and feel sad because you can see how much they've changed. Or worried about the things that they're struggling with. Or sad because you miss the closeness you used to feel to them.
This tension between joy and disappointment, it's not a sign that you're doing the holidays wrong. It's a sign that this part of your life really matters to you. And so I guess the question is, can you embrace the joy and the love and the beauty of this moment in your life without feeling weighed down by the disappointment and the hurt and the frustration? Because here's what happens.
There's a certain level of disappointment that is inevitable at any time the reality of life doesn't meet your expectations. And this is true all of the time, not just during the holidays. We naturally feel disappointed.
But then when the stakes feel really high or when we're engaging with people we care about a lot, our expectations and hopes aren't just passing whims like, I hope it'll be sunny today. It's more like, I hope my kid will be happy. I hope my kid will connect with me.
These aren't just passing expectations. They feel like mission-critical objectives. And so it's really not just disappointment we feel, but layers of other emotions.
And these emotions come from how we replay in our minds what didn't happen the way we wanted to. We ruminate in it. Or we take other people's behavior personally.
Or we feel pressure and anxiety as we think about how we should be able to control or influence how other people act. We also feel more pain when we compare our holiday with how we think other people's holidays look. We tell ourselves all these stories about what the reality of our life means.
And in doing this, we make the disappointment heavier by turning it into a judgment about ourselves, about our kids or our family. And without realizing it, we spend so much time mentally resisting the discomfort, trying to fix it or get rid of it, that we actually make it take up more space. So I think that's why it makes so much sense that we find comfort in escaping all of these painful feelings by being busy, trying to outperform our frustration and anxiety, or trying to use our effort to create more joy, more connection.
I was talking to a client the other day who thought it would be really sweet to set up a Christmas tree in her son's room. He'd mentioned he'd wanted one, and so she made the effort to get one for him, and she was so excited. She was setting it up in his room while he was at work, and she was actually almost done putting it up.
But then he got home in a bad mood, and his response wasn't anything like she'd hoped it would be. Here she was doing something so lovely and kind for her son, and in the that he would be so rude to her when she was going out of her way to do something special for him. And so of course that hurts.
We want to show our love and create something special for the people in our lives, but when their reaction doesn't match what we'd hoped for, we're left feeling disappointed and hurt. You can feel inclined to not want to try anymore. If they're not going to appreciate your effort, then why bother? Why set yourself up to be disappointed? It's so natural to ask these questions in these moments.
So I guess the real question is, what is it that you're hoping that your effort will give you back? Look, on the one hand, as moms, I know that we all go above and beyond for our families because we love them and we care about them. We want what's best for them. All of that is undoubtedly true.
But what can also be true is that we are subtly expecting something in return for our efforts. A bit of reassurance, or connection, or validation, appreciation. Some response or reaction that will help us feel like our effort mattered, like we matter.
But the really hard part is that when the way you feel depends on someone else's reaction, or on someone else meeting your hopes and expectations, our emotional experience becomes dependent on people and circumstances entirely out of our control. As much as I would love to believe that I could make my kids happy and joyful over the holidays, I can't. That's their work.
I could make the circumstances of the holidays absolutely perfect, and they could still feel stressed, or disappointed, or preoccupied by something in their own lives. And look, I can be available to talk with them, and I can support them in any way they'll let me. But I can't make them happy when they're not.
And when you really think about it, this applies to everyone in your life. You can't make your mother-in-law who shows up grumpy suddenly be kind and appreciative. You can't make your husband pull his weight just because you're exhausted.
You can ask. You can set boundaries. You can walk away when you have to.
But when it comes to how other people feel, we don't actually have any control. And when we keep trying anyway, we just exhaust ourselves. So here's my invitation to you as you navigate the thick of the holidays.
What if you let it go? What if you gave yourself permission to stop feeling responsible for creating a magical experience for everyone else? By all means, bake the pies, buy the gifts, clean the kitchen counter. But do it for you. Do it because it feels good to you.
And also acknowledge that there is no one making you do any of it. The counters don't need to be clean. No one is entitled to gifts.
Who cares if your mother-in-law thinks the house is a mess? The reason any of this matters is because it matters to you, my friend. So you ultimately decide what matters, always. The truth is the circumstances of your life don't have to be perfect for you to see the beauty of your life right in front of you.
I don't know if you've ever read or seen the play The Christmas Carol, but there's a character in the play called Tiny Tim, and he lives in a family that has very little. And yet he shows up to his life with gratitude. Not because he's pretending things are better than they are, but because he chooses to be present with the beauty of what is.
He isn't waiting for a life to be better before he allows himself to experience joy and connection, all of the blessings of his life. So often we tell ourselves that we'll enjoy the holidays once things look a certain way, once everyone's happy, once there is less tension, once we've done enough. But joy isn't something you have to earn by fixing all of the discomfort.
It's something you allow to coexist with it. And I wonder what might change if we stopped telling ourselves that the presence of disappointment means that we can't also feel joy. What if both could coexist? So if you're listening and thinking, I'm already disappointed by the holidays, please know this, it's not over.
Every single moment, you have a choice. You can stay focused on what's missing, on who isn't showing up the way that you hoped, or what didn't go according to the plan. Or you can shift your focus to what is there.
You don't have to force yourself to look on the bright side. But if you're willing to be open to the full spectrum of your very human life, you'll see it. Those moments when your kid decided to sit on the couch next to you, even if they are still on their phone.
Or your family sitting at the table together, everyone in the same place. Or that time when you see your big kid smile. Don't miss the beauty of your life because you're focused on all the ways it's not meeting your expectations.
And also don't miss the beauty of your life because you're working hard in hopes of making it better. What if the joy is available to you right now? By letting this moment be what it is, and deciding how you want to be in it. You don't have to earn joy today.
You don't have to fix everything first. You're not responsible for making everyone else happy. And in fact, it's not even in your power to create this.
Letting go of that responsibility is what frees you to actually be present in the truth of your life. The beauty of your life is happening right now. Don't miss it while trying to make it perfect.
Happy holidays, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
