THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—"I'M DOING EVERYTHING WRONG” | EP 208
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I'm doing everything wrong. Have you ever thought that to yourself? Maybe about some specific area of your life. Like maybe it's the way you're dealing with your teen and some challenge you're having with them.
Or maybe it's the way you're trying to relate to your partner and no matter what you try, it feels like it doesn't work. Maybe you think this about yourself and your own efforts to take care of yourself and feel better in your life. Or you might feel this way about everything.
Like no matter what you do in so many different areas of your life, it's just not working. You feel like you're doing everything wrong. I want to talk about this for a second because I want to make it clear to you that as a mom and as a woman in my own life, I am by no means doing everything right.
In fact, I often have moments with the women I coach when I'll share something about my life that relates directly to the issues they're dealing with. And I only ever offer it not as a suggestion of what they should be doing, but more as an opportunity for them to see that same dynamic playing out in someone else's life. Sometimes we can see things more clearly when they're about someone else because we relate to that information differently than to things in our own life where we're really in the middle of it.
And so we can't always see it as clearly. So I often share these stories about how I've gotten things wrong or how no matter what I've tried, things with my kids haven't changed. And we'll have a laugh because my clients will say, oh, thank goodness, because I thought for sure you wouldn't be dealing with this type of issue.
And I hope you notice that throughout the podcast, there are so many times where I'm sharing stories of my life, even things I'm going through in real time right now, where I'm sharing how things are challenging for me or how I'm not getting things right. But one thing I refuse to say to myself is that I'm getting everything wrong. And so in this episode, I want to give you a little bit of a frame for why it's so important to set this boundary with yourself, because let's look at the alternative.
In life, we are faced with so many circumstances that are out of our control. And while on some level we kind of know that, like with our kids, for example, we intellectually know that we're not in control of how they behave or even the way that they show up. But on the other hand, we feel like there must be a right way for us to show up with them so that we can guide them and influence them to be the best version of themselves.
And this has been something that we've been trying to do their entire lives to help guide and influence our kids. The fact of the matter is, in some seasons with our kids, as teens, as young adults or as true adults living their lives, we might be trying so hard to guide them and get through to them in a particular area that we feel is really important for their long-term health and success. And yet we might be met with this feeling that we're running into a brick wall, that no matter what we do, we're constantly being disregarded or shut down.
Even more, our kids can say things to us or act in certain ways that make it pretty clear that they think we're doing something wrong. So you've got this double whammy. Not only are my efforts not working, but now my kid is looking at me like, whatever you're doing, mom, it's the wrong thing.
It's really hard in those moments not to take it on and agree that, yes, I must be doing this wrong. In fact, it feels like you've gotten some important data points that confirm all of this. The thing is, you get these data points all the time.
Particularly in these challenging moments with your kids, you're constantly getting data points that suggest that you're getting it wrong. The eye rolls, the sighs, the blank stares, the times when they just walk away. And look, it's not just with our kids either.
We can feel like we're getting it wrong in so many areas of our life. I wonder if any of these examples resonate with you. For example, if you're dealing with family members who are demanding or expect a lot from you, you try to set boundaries.
You try to communicate what you expect or even what lines you need to draw. And wouldn't you know it, those people don't respect your boundaries. Not only that, but they'll let you know what they think about your boundaries and maybe even what they think about you because you've set those boundaries.
So you get to this place where you think, I can't get people to respect my boundaries. I'm doing something wrong. Or even, I'm wrong for setting these boundaries in the first place.
Like maybe I'm being selfish. This self-judgment is just another flavor of us saying to ourselves, I'm getting this wrong. We have these same challenges, again, with how we communicate with our partners or in an effort to find a job or make new friends or start that commitment to getting to the gym.
We try something a few times and it doesn't work and so we get discouraged. Or maybe we intellectually want to make the effort but we just can't find the energy to do it. It's like there are all these different areas where we're collecting data points that seem to suggest that we're getting it wrong in our life.
And again, it's often not just one or two data points. You can feel like there's a long list of data points that we're collecting that reinforce this belief. That make it feel really true.
So what happens when we look at all of this data and we think to ourselves, I'm getting everything wrong? What you'll notice is that the emotion that can come up with that thought is shame. Because there's usually this follow-on thought we're thinking. Something like, I should be getting this right.
Or I've tried everything and I still can't get it right. Or maybe there's something wrong with me that I'm not getting it right. Or if we've been really trying to apply ourselves and learn all these strategies about how to approach the situation and we still feel like it's not working.
We think, I should be better than this by now. I should have figured this out by now. And look, you know how I feel about shoulds, my friend.
They're basically just sticks that we hit ourselves with. That I should be over there but I'm stuck here and I shouldn't be. But what I want you to see is that so often, when we're in this place of trying to apply ourselves to a problem and not figuring it out, we want so much to get this thing right that we start to erode our own belief in our ability to ever get it right.
And we're basing this on real-time data, right? This information that we're getting, this feedback from other people or the circumstances of our life that aren't changing. Which is why our brains have a really hard time breaking free from that thought that I'm doing it wrong. Because it feels like the truth.
Except what we don't realize is that our brains are typically falling into the mindset trap of confirmation bias. Where we're seeing evidence that supports our belief that we're getting it wrong and we essentially discount or disregard any other evidence that doesn't support that belief. It's almost like our brain doesn't even register it.
It's like those moments that don't confirm whatever negative belief we have about ourselves, they feel like they're anomalies. And our brains almost explain them away, like, nope, but most of the time I'm getting it wrong. So how does this play out with our kids? Because maybe we have one conversation with them that doesn't go well.
And it leads to that same old power struggle, that same argument we have all the time. And we leave that conversation feeling terrible, thinking no matter what I do, it's wrong. Or once again, I lost my temper.
And then we carry that feeling of failure with us the rest of the day. Meanwhile, our mind has essentially erased the conversation we had earlier that morning that went fine. Or even that text we sent checking in with them where they texted back, love you mom.
It's so interesting, when I'm talking to clients, they'll tell me stories about something that's happened with their kids, clearly emotionally heavy, difficult situations in their mind. And they'll say, this thing happened and I really didn't handle it well. And they'll lay out the whole situation like they're giving me all of the facts about what happened.
And look, I don't say any of this to discount the pain of the situation, because these triggering moments with our kids truly can be painful. But even in the midst of these conversations, these moms will also be giving me glimmers, in their own words, of evidence that there are some things that they're getting right as well. Not just with their own effort, but evidence that the connection they so desperately want with their kids is there.
Or some evidence that their kid is hearing them, even if it doesn't look exactly like what they want it to. I work with so many moms who have these really difficult power struggles with their kids. They're trying so hard to get their kids to listen.
They're trying to set boundaries. Really, they're trying to show up to the situation powerfully and patiently, because their goal is that they want to guide and support their kid. But also, they want to have a good relationship with them.
And look, there's a reason we moms are fighting so hard for our kids' success and safety and happiness. It's because we love our kids so much. We know that sometimes we're going to have these hard conversations, but we'd also love to be able to have them and maintain a respectful and supportive connection with our kid.
And yet, at times, despite our best efforts, these conversations do not go the way that we hope. So there's this feeling that there's both something wrong with the connection and relationship we have with our kids, and also something broken in the reality that our kid still isn't changing. So these moms will be telling me these stories, sharing the details about an argument or a situation.
And then they'll say something like, they finally cleaned out their room, but they stuffed everything into the closet. Or my kid got a part-time job after school, but he's spending his money irresponsibly. Maybe she met with her professor, but only after missing the deadline for her assignment by two days.
Their grades are okay, but they spend all afternoon playing video games. It's like we focus on the part that doesn't match what we want. They're playing video games.
She missed her assignment deadline. He's spending money irresponsibly. But we miss the part that her brain observed, but we're discounting, that they finally cleaned their room.
They got that job. She met with her professor, and her grades aren't so bad. We focus on that part that we don't want.
The part that, if it looked different, it would mean we would be getting it right. But because our brain is so focused on the negative, we can miss the wins. We miss some of the signs that something is working.
So this raises the question, how are we measuring our success? What is it that you're looking for that would allow you to think, I'm getting it right? And the follow-on question is, are you basing your success on things that are ultimately out of your control, like your teen's motivation, or their interest in applying themselves in school, maybe on other people's willingness to respect your boundaries, or your partner's style of communicating and connecting with you? I want to invite you to keep these two questions in mind because these are going to be critical to changing how you feel about your own success. And let's start with this, because this thought, I'm doing everything wrong, is actually a lie. Because I guarantee you that every single day, you wake up with an intention to do your best.
I have yet to meet one mom who wakes up in the morning and says, I'm going to mess this up today. I have never met So if you're starting every day with an intention of wanting to do your best, and caring so much about the outcome, I refuse to believe it's true that you're doing everything wrong. So then let's talk about what success looks like for you.
Because here's the thing, I know at times that the status quo can feel really unacceptable, especially if you're dealing with a situation with your kids that just feels terrible. You can't just accept the current situation and say to yourself, well, this is what success looks like, because that feels like failure. And so this is why the second question is so important to consider when defining success.
What is actually in your control? Because as long as we're measuring our success by something outside of us, someone else's behavior or attitude, for example, then we are inevitably not in control of the outcome. You can sit here blaming yourself all day long, telling yourself that you're failing because of whatever is going on with your kid or whatever's happening in that relationship or situation outside of you. But the fact of the matter is that other people are feeling the way they feel and reacting to life based on their own perspective, their own interpretation of what's happening in their life.
And you cannot control that. So if you can't control how other people feel or how they behave, and therefore you can't realistically define your success based on changing that other person, the only place left to focus is on you, on how you choose to show up. In my own life, I am very clear with myself that success for me looks like me being intentional with the way that I show up to every situation in my life, whether that's interacting with my kids or my husband or my personal goals or my business, every single thing.
With every single thing in my life, I am constantly asking the question, how do I want to show up to this situation? So then I measure my success by my ability to stay true and authentic to my intention. And this is actually something that is in my control. Let me give you a tangible example.
I have clients dealing with kids doing things they really don't want them to do, things that could impact their health. And so as moms, we feel this weight of responsibility to get our kid to change. Getting it wrong feels unacceptable, but it's tricky because when we're dealing with young adult kids, or especially adult kids, the consequences that are available to us in terms of influencing our kids' behavior are difficult to navigate.
In fact, the most dramatic consequences, again, particularly when we're talking about older kids, are that you threaten to withdraw financial support or ultimately tell your kid they have to leave the house. But those consequences feel unacceptable to us. I've been in so many conversations with moms who really don't want to have to enforce these types of consequences.
And let's face it, even enforcing the consequence of taking away your kid's phone can often feel unacceptable. So these moms feel trapped. They can't get their kid to stop doing the thing they don't want them to be doing.
They don't really want to enforce these harsh consequences. But also, the current situation is unacceptable. So they end up ping-ponging back and forth between powerlessness and power struggles.
And no matter what they do, they feel like it's not working. They feel like they're doing everything wrong. So let's go back to these two questions.
How are we measuring success? And where do we actually have control? In these moms' minds, success doesn't look like where they are now. And I'm not at all suggesting they should convince themselves that it is. Their goal is obviously to get their kid to launch or to get them to stop doing this unhealthy thing.
But when we're coming from this it's-not-working mindset and we're falling into confirmation bias, where we're focusing so much on the behavior we don't want that we're discounting all of the signs that suggest our kid might be moving in the right direction in other ways. We end up reinforcing this dynamic for ourselves that it's not working. For one mom I work with, her trigger is seeing her kid lying in bed all day.
Confirmation bias has her discounting evidence that her kid is actually slowly taking steps in the right direction, even if it's not as fast or steady as she'd like. Another mom I work with is so focused on the behavior she thinks is wrong and unhealthy that she doesn't see the evidence that her kid is respecting her boundaries, that he is hearing her, and even that there are parts of her that understands why his behavior makes sense. When we focus on one narrow version of success and only let ourselves feel like we're getting it right when that exact version of success happens, we set ourselves up for failure time and again because we think that our best efforts should change our kid's behavior.
And my friend, if I could give you the formula for waving a wand and changing other people to meet your expectations all the time, this would be a very different conversation. But the truth is, you and I do not have that kind of power. Instead, the power you do have is in staying true to your intention and focusing on where you actually have control.
And if the truth is that you're not willing to enforce a consequence like kicking your kid out, then you also have to take responsibility for that. You have to acknowledge that on some level, you would rather put up with this behavior than kick your kid out. That's not weakness, that's being true to your intentions.
And look, let's be clear here, because kicking your kid out actually doesn't change their behavior. It just makes it so that you don't have to see it day to day. Is that actually better? Look, each one of us have to decide for ourselves what our boundaries are and what's acceptable to us.
But ultimately, the real question you have to ask yourself is, what is my true intention here? And if you can't control your kid's behavior, then what is it that you can control? My friend, your power lies in taking responsibility for how you think about the situation, how you feel about it, and how you respond and show up to it. And that includes the boundaries you actually have the ability to enforce. And if you're not willing to enforce a particular boundary, then you have to take responsibility for that as well.
Getting it right does not mean everything goes your way all of the time. For me, getting it right means being the version of myself I want to be as a mom and as a woman as much of the time as I can. And my friend, even for me, that is not 100% of the time.
And I don't need it to be to feel like I'm successful. Success is simply showing up to my life with intention, but also showing up for myself with intention. Because the times when I don't show up to my life in a way that I really want to, it's always because there's some thought or feeling standing in my way.
And I refuse to make myself wrong about that. Instead, I show up with compassion and curiosity and deep love for myself as a woman who is constantly evolving and learning how to live into that version of myself that I really want to be. There have been times when I have said things I regret to my boys.
There have been so many times when I've lost my temper and engaged in the fight. And in those moments, I was also doing the best I could at the time. But I'm always willing to take accountability and forgive myself.
And most importantly, to reflect back on what I can learn from the situation for the future. Success is the continual effort and evolution of up-leveling who you want to be in your life. And I know for me, that will never involve me being perfect.
I don't even know if perfection is worthy of being a goal. Because there's so much in life I want to experience and embrace and to try and fail at. In fact, some of the reasons I fail so much in my life is because I'm setting bigger and bigger goals for myself in terms of my relationships, in terms of what I want to achieve.
And by definition, that is going to involve failure. And maybe that's the point of life. Not getting it right, but being willing to get it wrong enough that you're constantly learning how to be the best version of yourself.
That also requires being willing to see the evidence of all of the ways you're trying to get it right. It requires allowing yourself to be human, and letting those small steps that you're taking every single day to grow count. And if you're listening to all of this and you're thinking, I get it, but I still don't actually know how to do this, I know you're not alone.
You might recognize that you're hard on yourself, and even that you tend to focus on the negative and possibly not give as much credit to the positive. You might see this pattern in yourself, but learning how to interrupt these patterns and stay connected to your intention, that requires a new set of tools. And this is exactly what I teach in Mom 2.0. So if you're tired of carrying this belief that you're doing everything wrong, and you're ready to start trusting yourself to show up to your life with intention, let's talk.
My friend, you are not doing everything wrong. You are a mom who loves her kid, a mom who was always doing her best, even when that doesn't turn out the way that you hope. It makes so much sense that you feel frustrated and overwhelmed, and even that you blame yourself when things go wrong.
It also makes so much sense that your brain defaults to focusing on the negative. That's exactly what our brains do on autopilot. None of that means that you're failing.
So today, instead of looking for evidence that you're getting it wrong, I want to invite you to notice even one moment, just one, where you tried your best. And even more, notice one moment where there is a glimmer of evidence that it is working. These moments matter, and they're worthy of your attention.
You are learning and growing, constantly evolving as a mom. In fact, you've been doing this alongside your kid all along. I know it's not easy, but you have more power than you think, my friend.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
