MINDSET TRAPS OF PARENTING TEENS IN THE EMPTY NEST—TRAP #3—THE COMPARISON TRAP—SEEING YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THE PRESSURE TO KEEP UP | EP. 205
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever experienced that moment where you hear something about another family and you think, why doesn't our life look like that? It happens in a split second, when comparison hits you so fast your stomach drops before you can even process why.
If you're parenting a teen or an adult kid, you know exactly what I mean. Today, I'm continuing the mindset trap series with a focus on the comparison trap. Once you understand what comparison is really doing in your brain, and how much it's costing you, you're going to want to stop letting other people's lives define your worth.
So stick with me, this episode is going to shift the way you see yourself and your entire parenting journey in a way that brings you real peace. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
Have you ever noticed how often you compare yourself to other moms? Or how quickly you compare your family to everyone else's? Like you're talking to another mom and she casually mentions the amazing internship her son just got for the summer. Or you're scrolling through Instagram and you see a photo of a family vacation where the kids are all smiling. Or maybe it's something you overhear about someone else's kid getting straight A's, or a senior graduation award that your child wasn't even in the running for.
Rationally, you tell yourself these things don't matter. But if you're honest with yourself, you feel a pit in your stomach when you come across these conversations and circumstances, because you feel like you've missed something, like you didn't do enough, that you're not measuring up. And what's so tricky about comparison is that it doesn't feel like a mindset trap.
It feels like you're simply observing the world as it is. Her kid is thriving, mine is struggling. She seems so put together, and I'm not.
That family seems so happy to be together, and my kid barely acknowledges me. Here's what I want you to hear, my friend. There is nothing wrong with you if all of this sounds familiar.
I remember when my oldest was in middle school. It was such a tough time for him socially. I mean, he had some friends, but the dynamics were just awkward and a little stressful.
He didn't hang out with them at all outside of school, so on the weekends he would be home without plans. And sometimes he'd act like he didn't care, but other times he'd tell me he felt kind of lonely, that he wished he had a best friend that he could rely on. And so of course it broke my heart to hear him say this as his mom.
Because I had this picture in my mind of what I wanted his friendships to look like. I imagined him meeting friends at the movies and birthday parties and having sleepovers, but the reality just didn't look like that. So every time I saw other kids hanging out, or I heard other moms talking about their kids' weekend plans, it was like my mind couldn't not compare.
Why isn't that happening for him? And if I'm really honest, there have been plenty of times in my life where I've looked at my own social circle and I've thought the same thing. All these other people having all these big groups of girlfriends, and I don't. And you can't help but think something's wrong with you when you see everyone else surrounded by friends, and you wonder why your life doesn't look like that.
I see this comparison trap come up for moms that I coach all the time. Some moms compare their kids academically, especially when they know their kid has so much more potential. I mean, they can see it.
Even their teachers see it. And their kid might even have expressed some desire that reflects a motivation to achieve something more, but then their grades and their effort don't quite reflect it. So when these moms hear another parent casually mention that their kid's getting straight A's, their minds immediately go to, why isn't my kid doing more? How can I get him to try harder? You find yourself spinning in this urge to get your kid to do better, not even necessarily because they're doing badly, but more because you feel this sense that they're behind, not living up to the potential that you see other kids reaching.
Another way we compare is in the connection we think we should be having with our big kid. You see other moms walking around the mall with their daughters, laughing and shopping, and you can't remember the last time you did that with your kid. You overhear a mom talking about how her kid tells her everything, but then your teen barely answers your questions with more than one word.
You can't help but compare, wondering, what am I doing wrong? Why doesn't my kid talk to me like that? Other moms compare how their teen is handling life just generally, whether it's with their confidence or their resilience, their work ethic, their helpfulness. We have this picture in our heads that suggests other kids are tackling life so much more maturely, that they bounce back quicker, that they apply themselves, and then come home and they do what they're asked. We compare how outgoing our kid is, or how many friends they have, how clean their room is, how organized they are, how together their life looks.
And let's face it, it's not just our kids we compare. We compare ourselves just as much, maybe even more. We compare how patient we are as moms, or how often we lose our temper, versus how much we think other moms lose their temper.
We just see other moms who seem calm and collected, and we think, why can't I be more like that? Here's what I really want you to hear, my friend. This comparison isn't a sign of insecurity, or even wanting your life to look like someone else's. The truth is, you compare because you have a human brain.
And this is what human brains do, they compare. Our brains are constantly scanning the world asking one basic question, are we okay? And the fastest way your brain tries to answer that question is by looking around at everyone else. This is actually a survival instinct built into the wiring of your brain.
When we were all living in caves, our brain's immediate instinct to compare kept us alive. If the group was running from danger or heading in a certain direction, you didn't stop to ask questions, you followed, because staying with the group meant staying safe. This isn't something we have to actively think about, this is just how our brains are designed, how we think on autopilot.
You can even think back to when your kid was an infant or a toddler, they were constantly comparing. They were watching you every second to figure out, how do I talk? How do I walk? How do I hold a spoon? Babies look at your face to understand if something's funny or scary or safe. Do you remember those moments when your toddler would fall and they'd immediately look up at you as if they were looking for cues about whether or not they should be crying based on your reaction? This is comparison, they're comparing their experience to your response to decide what it means.
We now have a 10-week-old puppy at home and I realize he's doing the exact same thing. When there's a loud noise in the house, he runs to us and looks up to see if the danger is real. It's actually fascinating and it has me thinking that it's not just human brains that do this, that look out into the world, scanning and noticing and comparing.
Is this safe? Am I doing this right? So comparison isn't a sign that there's something wrong with you, it's actually one of the most primitive tools our brain uses to feel safe, to feel like we belong, or to make sense of what's happening around us. All of this is tied to what scientists call the motivational triad. Essentially, this is our brain's natural instinct to avoid pain, seek comfort, and conserve energy.
Our brains compare because they think, if I can see what everyone else is doing, maybe I can avoid the of getting it wrong. So when you see another kid or family doing something that you think is better than what you or your family is doing, your brain is going to treat it as a warning signal. Maybe we're behind.
Is this something I need to fix or address? Is my kid at risk of falling behind socially or academically or emotionally? This is literally your brain trying to protect you. It thinks that by comparing, it's giving you useful information that will keep you from experiencing some future pain or disappointment. In the same way, your brain loves feeling safe and comfortable.
So while it's trying to avoid pain, it's also trying to move you closer to that feeling of certainty, that sense of, okay, we're doing it right. We're where we're supposed to be. Because if you can fall in line with everyone else, if your family looks enough like the families around you, your brain interprets that as safety.
Just think about how reassuring it feels when you've been struggling in some area of your life and another mom admits she's been struggling with the same thing. There's this instant sense of, oh thank god, it's not just me. And that's literally your brain saying, see, we're still part of this group.
We're not alone. We crave that sense of being in it together. It feels comforting and safe, even like permission to be human, to not have to be perfect.
And that's actually what your brain is chasing when it compares. It's not looking for perfection or even trying to be competitive with other people. It's more that feeling of belonging it's searching for.
The feeling of, if we were like everyone else, then maybe we're okay. So our wants to help us avoid pain and seek comfort. And then there's this last part of the motivational triad, conserving energy.
And look, your brain also loves efficiency. It wants the quickest, easiest possible path to an answer. And it actually does not want to have to think hard about every situation you're in.
So our brains are constantly taking shortcuts. And one way to do that is that they look around and they watch what other people are doing. And what we often assume is that the other people must be on the right path.
We see how other kids are doing and how they're being praised for a certain level of performance. And then we assume that must be the right benchmark. Or we watch other moms, or we see things on Instagram and assume that that's the standard we should be meeting.
Comparison is like the brain's easy button. Everyone else is doing this, so that must be what we are supposed to do. I know it sounds too simple, but if you really think about it, this is where your brain goes automatically, before you've even had a chance to process the information in front of you.
So let's talk about the cost of all of this. Because comparison feels like awareness, like something you should pay attention to. But it actually comes with a really heavy emotional price.
The first cost is your peace. Comparison puts you in this constant, low-level state of tension. Because you're always watching, always wondering if you're falling behind.
It keeps you living in this subtle, ongoing worry that you're not doing enough, or that you've somehow missed something important for your kid. You overhear another parent talking about their kid's successes, or you see a family photo online where everyone's smiling. Nothing is actually happening in your home at that moment.
Nothing has actually changed about your life. But having that new piece of information in front of you somehow makes you feel anxious, like you're supposed to be doing something. Even if you have no idea what that something is, this default setting of your brain steals your peace.
The second cost of comparison is your connection with your big kid. Because when you're stuck in comparison, it becomes really hard to see your child clearly. You stop seeing who they actually are, and start just seeing the gap between them and someone else's kid, or that threshold of where you think they should be.
And that gap becomes the thing that you focus on. It creates pressure on them and on you. Without meaning to, we start showing up with our kid with this subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle message of disappointment.
Even when we never tell them we're disappointed, our kids can feel that disappointment. Because they're also tuned in to our reactions. The questions we ask.
The way our voice changes. The way our face tightens for even just a second when they tell us something, and we can't help but think that it isn't quite good enough. Suddenly, instead of feeling seen and understood for who they actually are, they start to feel like they're not good enough.
You might just be asking, how did the test go? But they could hear, did you actually study enough this time? Or you might be checking in and asking, do you have any weekend plans? But what they might hear is, why don't you have as many friends as everyone else? I know in your heart you genuinely want to support your kid and help them grow. But when you're stuck in the comparison trap, they can feel the pressure to be different than they are. And when our kids feel that pressure, they don't usually say, mom, I feel like you're comparing me to other people.
Instead, they withdraw. They get defensive or annoyed with us. They stop sharing details about their life.
Essentially, they start protecting themselves. And then our relationship with them becomes about managing expectations, instead of true connection. And you feel it too.
You see them shut down. And you feel the frustration when they don't open up to you. And the sadness when you notice that the dynamic between you has changed in a way that you don't know how to repair.
And this isn't because either of you did something wrong, but because comparison created this imaginary expectation of who your big kid should be. And the heartbreaking part is, your kid is trying their best to fit into their own life. They are trying to figure out who they are, and where they fit in, and what matters to them.
They're not trying to disappoint you. They're just trying to survive their own experience of being a teen, or what I like to call a baby adult. Comparison steals your ability to see the beauty in that.
This stage of growing up is messy and awkward. And for each of our kids, it looks very different. But that doesn't mean it's a failure, or that something's wrong.
It's simply the process of your kid becoming who they're meant to be. So I've talked about how comparison steals your peace, and puts pressure on your relationship with your big kid. The third cost of comparison is your confidence as a mom.
Because comparison doesn't just cause you to judge your kid, it also causes you to judge yourself. Comparison convinces you that everyone else has it figured out, which means you must be the one falling short. You might even get up in the morning feeling okay, and then you overhear a mom talking about how motivated her son is, or how well her daughter is doing at school, or you see how organized their home is, and suddenly you think, I should be doing more.
I should be doing better. Again, nothing has changed about your life, but we can use these external reference points against ourselves. And what's so fascinating is that comparison always focuses on someone else's strength, in direct contrast to your biggest insecurity.
You compare other mom's patience to your frustration, or their clean home to your messy kitchen counter, their kid's achievement to your kid's academic struggle. And what's interesting is that comparison doesn't even comfort us consistently. Every once in a while, you notice a moment where you feel a little ahead of someone else, but that feeling is so temporary because it's not real confidence.
It's just comparison in reverse. And the second your brain finds someone doing something better in some other area, your insecurity comes back. You could spend all day showing up with love and supporting your team, doing your best, but one comment from another parent and you're right back to thinking that you're not enough.
Comparison robs you of confidence and can push you to parent from fear. Fear that you're not doing enough, that your kid is falling behind, that other families are doing it better, that you're messing up. And if you let these default comparison thoughts go unchecked, you lose that sense of self-trust.
Rather than trusting the truth that you start every single day, approach every single moment with your kid trying your best, instead you start believing the lie that no matter what you do, it's not enough. Comparison costs us our peace, our confidence, and our connection with our big kid. So I think the real question is, what is comparison actually giving us? Because our brains offer comparison as if it's useful, but is it? Take a moment and honestly consider this.
Has comparison ever made you feel better, more confident in your choices? Or does it more often do the exact opposite? Because comparison gives us the illusion of certainty. We think, that other kid is ahead, so maybe I need to do more. Or it looks like that other family has it together, so maybe we're missing something.
Comparison convinces you that other people have it together in a way that you don't. But you don't actually know the truth behind any of those lives. I remember one holiday family photo we took when we were going through an incredibly difficult time with our son.
The photo is beautiful. We used it for our Christmas card. It shows all four of us, with our arms around each other, looking at the camera.
The perfect family. Except we weren't. This is the danger of comparison.
It takes small, curated moments, a sliver of someone else's life, and it turns it into a whole narrative about how you're falling short of that imagined reality. Stepping out of this trap isn't actually about pretending you don't care about what other families are doing, or even ignoring that instinct to compare yourself against the world around you. Because the truth is, that instinct is going to be there on autopilot no matter what.
Instead, stepping out of this trap is about learning how to see your mind clearly. It's understanding what your brain is doing and why, and building the skill of trusting yourself and your own wisdom, instead of chasing after somebody else's. This is exactly the work we do in my Mom 2.0 coaching program.
I teach you how to recognize these comparison patterns with compassion and not judgment, and you learn how to trust your big kid's unique path and your ability to support them in the way that you decide is right. If you're tired of always feeling behind, and you want to feel confident as a mom, raising her kid in their own messy, complicated journey of growing up, Mom 2.0 will give you the tools to find confidence, self-trust, and grace. You can learn more about the program through the link in the show notes.
My friend, comparison will always try to tell you that you're behind, that everyone else is doing it better, or that you and your big kid should be further along. But none of that is actually true. You get to choose how to show up in your life.
You get to decide what you want to believe, and what's worthy of your effort. And when you stop letting other people's lives become the measure of yours, you make space for the version of your life that you actually want to create. And here's the beautiful part.
When you stop buying into the stories your brain offers you about how your life isn't enough, you open yourself up to the reality of what's already meaningful and good right in front of you. Maybe not as the end goal, but as a foundation. Because right now, you are in the midst of the small, messy, and imperfect moments that are shaping you and your big kid.
And I guarantee you, you don't want to miss it. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
