RADICAL ACCEPTANCE—THE POWER OF LETTING GO WHEN PARENTING TEENS GETS HARD | EP. 203
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
As a mom, do you ever feel caught between wishing things were easier and worrying that they may never change? So many of us live in this it'll-be-better-when mindset with our teens, with our young adults, in our relationships, and even with ourselves. But what you might not realize is that constant battle with reality only creates exhaustion and anxiety.
In this episode, I'm sharing the key to finding peace even when life doesn't look like what you want it to. You'll learn how to see clearly where you do have power, how to stop wasting emotional energy on what you can't control, and how to create calm confidence right where you are before anything around you changes. My friend, radical acceptance is when you stop fighting reality and start embracing your power. And in this episode, I'm going to show you exactly how to begin. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I was coaching a mom the other day, and she said something so profound that it stuck with me for the rest of the day. As I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about today, I decided to focus on exactly what this wise woman said because it perfectly captures something that's been on my mind lately. She said, I think I just need to practice radical acceptance.
Radical acceptance. This was coined as a term connected to cognitive behavior therapy in the early 90s, but it actually has roots in Buddhism. So the concept isn't new.
But as I thought about this mom's words, I realized that this phrase actually encapsulates the goal of coaching and so much of the inner self-development work we do in an effort to find peace. But here's what's interesting. I don't think this phrase radical acceptance inspires most of us to say, yes, that's what I want, acceptance.
Because if we're honest, most of us go through our lives often without even realizing it, either mentally or emotionally rejecting our reality. This morning as I was journaling and doing my own self-coaching, I saw the power and possibility of radical acceptance in my own life. I started thinking about a few areas of my life that quite frankly aren't where I want them to be.
And so I went through my usual process of just downloading my thoughts into my journal so that I could take an honest look at them. And look, your thoughts and feelings are rolling around in your brain, whether you want to look at them or not. So my thought is you might as well take them out and acknowledge them.
It's kind of like doing a Marie Kondo session for your mind, laying it all out, getting honest with yourself about what you need and what you don't, what's really going on in your head, and really why you're feeling the way that you're feeling. So that's what I did. I did this mental download in my journal.
I just listed everything that's been on my mind lately. And what came out was simply a list of things about my life that I wish were different right now. There was nothing dramatic on the list, nothing catastrophic, just the sense of recognizing where I am in my life and noticing that part of me wishes that some things were different.
One example I'll share is that my husband and I just got a puppy. Here we are, brand new empty nesters, and we get a dog. But here's the thing, my husband is such a dog person.
And we lost our beloved red-boned coon hound in August. He's been such an incredible part of the family, and losing him honestly has been really hard, especially for my husband. It also happened within just a few weeks of sending our youngest off to college.
So of course it was clear that my husband, who's always been a dog lover, was ready for another one. And I wasn't going to stand in his way. I love dogs too, but I'll admit part of me felt like this whole empty nest thing had given us this incredible freedom, this ability to be spontaneous.
And now here we are with a baby in the house again. And we are in the thick of it. We're only a week in, the puppy is crying all the time and waking up in the middle of the night.
You can't leave him alone for a minute. I know this phase won't last forever, and yet my brain still goes to it will be better once he's trained, once he sleeps through the night, once he stops biting. And I share this because we do this in so many areas of our lives.
We find ourselves living in that place of it'll be better when. And sometimes it's obvious that there's a light at the end of tunnel, like with a puppy. But other times, especially when it comes to our kids, it's not so clear.
They might be going through something stressful, or they're pushing back or pulling away, or they're just having a hard time. And I'm seeing that with my own boys right now as well. When I talk to them and I hear about what's going on with them, there's so much I wish were easier or better for them.
And just like with the puppy, I really want to believe that in time, things will get better for them. I had to laugh the other day because here I am asking ChatGPT how long it takes for a redbone coonhound puppy to sleep through the night. And ChatGPT very rationally gives me an answer.
It said three to four months. And it even gave me some encouragement, like, hang in there. Before you know it, he'll be sleeping through the night.
Wouldn't it be amazing if someone could just give you that same reassurance about your kid? This is just a stage. It'll last about three months. And here's what you can expect.
And here's more specifically when it will get better. But of course, that's not how it works. You can't ask ChatGPT how long it'll take your teenager to grow out of being obnoxious, or your college kid to figure out how to study, or your young adult to find motivation or purpose, or just move out of the house.
It feels like there's no clear timeline. And that's the hardest part. Because while we might intellectually know that things won't stay the same forever, that our kids won't be teens forever, or that their college struggles will eventually pass, our brains sometimes call BS.
Because we can't know when or how things will get better. And that uncertainty isn't comfortable. When my oldest was going through a really difficult time during high school, I remember thinking, at some point, this will get better.
But it wasn't going to be in a week. And it wasn't going to be in a month either. As it turned out, it took a couple of years.
And during that time, I had no idea if it would be a couple years or a couple decades. And that's the scary part for us as moms. We don't want to be where we are, whether that's in the pain of watching our kids struggle, or in that empty, uncertain space where we're trying to figure out what comes next for us.
When you're in those painful places, it's hard to trust that things will work out. And that's why this term, radical acceptance, doesn't immediately inspire excitement. Because your first thought about it might be, so I just have to figure out how to be fine with this.
I just have to accept this. And I want to be the first to say, I don't think I've ever felt better by telling myself, just accept it. This is just your life.
Just considering that thought, for me, the feeling that comes up is despair. Because the truth is, I don't want certain situations. I don't want the struggle, or the uncertainty, or the constant anxiety.
There's nothing in my DNA that feels comfortable with the idea of just sucking it up and accepting the painful parts of my life are just what they are right now. That kind of acceptance feels like giving up. It feels like saying, life is hard and there's nothing I can do about it.
And yet, what my client's words reminded me, and what I want to explore with you today, is that radical acceptance isn't about giving up at all. It's not about resignation. It's about seeing where your power actually lies and taking radical responsibility for how you meet the challenges of your life.
So let's talk about what radical acceptance really means. It's one of those phrases that sounds relatively simple, but when you actually try to live into it, it's incredibly deep work. As I said, the roots of the concept go back to Buddhism, where the practice of acceptance, of seeing reality clearly, is considered essential to peace and liberation.
Here's the definition that Very Well Mind gives. Radical acceptance is completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and your mind. It's acknowledging reality for what it is, not what you wish it to be, not what it could have been, or what it should have been, but what is.
The radical part is meant to indicate that you're accepting reality without any resistance. It's a deep acknowledgement that this situation, this circumstance in front of you, is real, whether you like it or not. But here's the key, and this is where it can feel confusing.
Accepting reality without resistance isn't the same as liking or approving what's happening. It doesn't mean that you're giving up on changing it. This isn't passive acceptance or resignation.
Radical acceptance is simply the willingness to stop fighting against reality. Because as Byron Cady says, when you fight reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time. And yet we all do it.
We spend so much of our emotional energy trying to fight against what's happening in our lives. We spend mental energy wishing things were different, waiting for them to be better, essentially living in that it-will-be-better-when mindset. It will be better once that puppy sleeps through the night.
It'll be better once my teen finds a better friend group or starts taking school seriously. It'll be better once my college kid picks a major, once my college senior or graduate figures out what they're doing with their life. It'll be better once I feel more connected to my partner or more confident about what's next.
It's often so subtle we don't even realize we're doing it. Our brains are constantly scanning for comfort or relief or certainty. And so they tell us, just get through this part.
And once this changes, then you'll feel better. And sometimes that's true. There can be relief on the other side of a situation in front of you.
But the problem is that relief isn't sustainable. Because once we get through this thing, the next thing happens. And before you know it, you've spent years waiting for the when, instead of learning how to live in the now.
It's like our brains want to fast forward through this messy part. But that's the irony, because this messy part is where life is actually happening. When we're constantly waiting for things to get better, we miss the opportunity to be present in our lives, to live in the now.
We essentially put our peace and happiness on hold, always waiting for circumstances to change so we can feel better. And the cost of that is huge. Because when we tell ourselves, I'll feel better when, what we're really saying is, I can't feel better now.
Radical acceptance is what actually makes peace available to you right now, even before things change. It's what allows you to take a deep breath and say, okay, this is what's happening. I don't love it.
I wouldn't choose it. But I have the strength to be with it. And I want to be clear here, having the strength to be present in your reality is, again, not about resigning yourself to that reality.
I don't know any mom, myself included, who feels comfortable just giving up. So when I was coaching this mom who told me she had to lean into radical acceptance, I knew when she said that that she was not in any way giving up. She wasn't saying, I'm done trying.
She was saying, I'm done fighting reality. She understood that she couldn't control her son's choices or how he feels right now. She also can't rush his growth or take away his pain.
But she understands that her love for him doesn't depend on any of that. What she was seeing was that she could accept her son for exactly who and where he is right now. Not because she likes all of it, but because she loves him unconditionally.
And this is what I love about the women I coach. No matter how much they're struggling, what I see time and again, without exception, is that underneath the frustration and the anxiety and the sadness is so much unconditional love for their kids. They're fighting so hard because they love so hard.
They want things to be better for their children, and they just haven't figured out how to get there. Because the truth is, by the time a mom comes to coaching, she's already tried everything she knows how to try. Because look, we're resourceful.
We've read the books and listened to the podcasts. We've tried to set boundaries and stay patient. And still, sometimes it doesn't work.
And that's where we get stuck. Because when you've tried everything and it still feels like nothing is changing, it's easy to feel powerless. So when you're already feeling powerless and someone tells you that you just need to accept it, of course your brain is going to say, no thanks.
Because again, acceptance in the face of this powerlessness feels like it means that you just have to give in to that powerlessness. It feels like someone must be telling you that you just need to give up or care less. And that's not going to happen.
So what I want to offer you instead is a way to accept reality and reclaim your power. And the key to that is seeing what's in your control and what isn't, and then choosing how to respond to that. This morning during my journaling, I decided to put this idea into practice.
I drew two columns on a piece of paper. And on one side, I wrote, this is where I have agency or control. And on the other, I wrote, where I don't have agency or control.
And I started with the column where I don't have agency. And at the top, I wrote, I don't have control over what my sons do, how they feel, or how they think about their lives. As soon as I wrote that, it was clear that this is also true for everyone else on my list.
I don't have control over my husband, how he feels, or how he thinks, or how he chooses to show up in his life. I don't have the power to make anyone do what I want them to do, even if I think it would make everything better. So much of our suffering comes from this illusion of control.
We think if I just say it the right way, or set the right boundary, if I time the conversation perfectly, then maybe I'll get that other person to change. But the only time another person changes is if they want to change. When you're really honest with yourself about that, it can feel scary at first, like you're losing control.
But what's really happening is that you finally acknowledge that you never had control to begin with. That is the first part of radical acceptance. Truly accepting where you don't have control.
And as uncomfortable as that truth is, it's actually an enormous relief. Because when you stop trying to do the impossible, no longer trying to control people in situations that are truly not in your power to control, you stop setting yourself up for failure. You actually stop wasting energy and start creating a little space to consider the next question.
What is in my control? Where do I have agency? When I did this exercise for myself, the list I created was actually so much longer than you'd think. On the list I wrote, I can take responsibility for how I respond. I can choose to set boundaries where the power to follow through is entirely in my hands.
I can choose not to blame or judge myself. I can let go of entitlement, the belief that life should look different than it does right now. I can own my own decisions, how I spend my time and what I focus on.
I can take full accountability for my own dreams and desires and the energy I put into pursuing them. I can allow myself to feel disappointed when things don't go my way. In fact, I can process my own emotions and let go of emotions that don't serve me.
I can also choose to let myself off the hook and give myself permission to rest, to let go of guilt. And this was just the start of my list. And all of this is in my control.
This is where my power lies. And what's so incredible to understand about this is that no one can take this power away from me. The truth is, most of us stay stuck on that first list, thinking we can control the things that we can't.
In doing this, we never actually focus enough energy on where we do have control. Because we can decide how we show up. We can decide how much energy to spend trying to influence or change a situation.
We can decide how to talk to people, how to set boundaries, how to take care of ourselves. We can decide when and where to let go. Radical acceptance isn't about surrendering your power.
It's actually about finding it again. And my friend, if this conversation hits home for you, if you're ready to discover how to lean into where you do have power and let go where you don't, this is the work we do in my coaching program, Mom 2.0. This program is for you if you're a mom of a teen or an adult kid who's tired of living on the emotional roller coaster that comes from feeling powerless to feel better. I'll teach you how it is possible to create peace and happiness without everything in your life needing to be a certain way so that you can feel okay.
Mom 2.0 is about stepping into radical acceptance. And that doesn't mean resigning yourself to a situation that you don't like. It's learning how to lean into your power to be the mom and the woman that you want to be in the face of it.
The truth is, you can't make your child's journey easier. You can't control how others feel or how they respond or react to their perception of their lives. But you can decide who you want to be in response to that.
And that includes both how you take care of yourself and how you choose to show up with love for yourself and your big kid, even when life is messy. So as you go into your week, I invite you to ask yourself, where do I have agency here? And where might I need to let go? You don't have to give up to find peace. You just have to stop fighting reality and shifting your attention to who you want to be in response to it.
Because you have more power than you think, my friend. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
