Thoughts moms parenting teens and adult kids are ashamed they think. My kid doesn't appreciate everything I do for them.
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I wonder if any of this sounds familiar to you. You wake up early just to make sure everyone has what they need for school. You've remembered to wash their favorite hoodie or the sports uniform.
You're the one who remembers which days they need to bring in their band equipment. Every day, you collect dishes lying around the house or left in people's rooms. You plan meals.
You stock the pantry with everyone's favorite food. And you keep track of appointments and deadlines and practices and events. You periodically check the school portal just to make sure your teen hasn't missed any assignments.
And if they seem behind, you give them friendly reminders to get it done. And more often than you'd like to admit, you have to rearrange your day just to make something happen for your kids. Maybe it's dropping something off they forgot, again.
Or picking them up early because they don't feel well. Or waiting up late just to make sure they're home safe. And it doesn't stop when your kid goes off to college.
Now you're checking the weather in their college town and reminding them to pack a coat before the first cold snap. You're tracking when midterms start. You're thinking about that test and carrying the worry, even if you can't physically see them studying.
You Venmo the money when they run out. You send texts just to let them know you're thinking about them. And every once in a while, you Open Life 360 just to make sure they're okay.
Just to make sure they made it home safely if they were laid out at night. And you do it maybe a little bit more often than you'd like to admit. You still help your big kid fill out forms and renew prescriptions and make those doctor's appointments from hundreds of miles away.
If they were in trouble or needed you for anything, you would be in a car or on a plane in a minute without question. And even if they don't need you every day, you're still standing by, mentally waiting for that text or that call that says, Mom, can you... Do they even realize how much you do for them? Even when you're tired, you still do those things, right? You make the favorite dinner. You're available for the pep talk.
There is never a day where you're not dealing with the laundry. And even when they're out of the house, you're still constantly holding mental and emotional space for your big kid. Because that's what moms do.
You want your kid to feel loved and supported, always. Even when they don't ask for help, you're there. You're ready.
You anticipate what they might need. You think three steps ahead so they don't have to. You're like the reliable, trusted concierge in the background of your kid's life, making sure everything runs smoothly.
You're the counselor, the cheerleader, but also the cook, the maid, the Uber driver, the ATM. And you do all of this because you love your kid. You don't do it for the thank yous or the acknowledgement.
But can we be honest for a second? Do you ever have this thought, my kid doesn't appreciate everything I do for them? I mean, you go grocery shopping, and they still complain that there's nothing to eat in the house. You offer them a ride, and they act like it's an inconvenience to sit in the car with you. You remind them to do their homework, or bring their laundry downstairs, or just anything.
And they roll their eyes at you as if the reminder itself is an inconvenience. You try to connect with your kid or ask them about their day, and they grunt or give you a one-word answer. You plan something special, something you know they'd like, and they cancel at the last minute, or seem distracted the whole time.
You spend hours helping with a project, and when it's done, they walk away as if your help was a given, not worthy of acknowledgement. And the way these kids can spend money, it's like, do they have any concept of how hard I had to work to give you these opportunities? And if your kid's in college, you text them, and they take days to text back. You know they saw your message, but they just didn't respond.
But meanwhile, you're sitting there thinking about them every single day. You're also paying for college. And no matter how much they've taken out in loans or earned in scholarships, it's not cheap.
You're emotionally and financially invested in helping them build a future. But sometimes you can't help wondering if they take that for granted as well. Are they really applying themselves? Are they making the most of the opportunities you've worked so hard to give them? It's often hard to know.
And you don't need constant updates, but you'd love to feel included, to know what's happening in this huge part of their life that you've poured so much into. And then they come home from break, and they dump their laundry, and they treat your house like a hotel, eating and sleeping and heading back out with friends before you've even had any type of conversation. You try to make their favorite dinner while they're home, hoping to just have a little bit of a chance to sit down and catch up with them.
But they're distracted or busy, already thinking of the next thing they're doing, or more worried about texting a friend back or checking Snapchat. It hurts, right? I mean, you can tell yourself that they're kids, that this is just a stage. And you'd like to think that they don't mean to take you for granted.
I mean, underneath all of that ambivalence, they really do love you, right? And it's not like you're looking for them to shower you with praise anytime you do anything. But is it really so much to ask for a little bit of an acknowledgement, a little appreciation? I mean, do they even notice everything I do? You feel taken for granted, but if you're honest, also a little resentful. Look, on the one hand, you're choosing to do all these things because you love your kid.
No one's making you do these things. But somewhere along the way, all of these acts of love and service started to feel less like choices and more like obligations. Do you ever have this feeling like, I have to do this? Likely because if you don't, no one else will.
You have to make sure they're fed and prepared and safe and successful. You have to stay on top of the logistics and the deadlines. Even when our kids tell us to back off, we feel like we're still the ones holding everything together.
And we've all been there in those moments when you forget to wash that uniform, or you miss the sign-up deadline, or you don't pick up that one thing they needed for school, and suddenly it's a really big deal. It's like you take care of everything, and that one time you drop the ball, it feels like you've failed. It often feels like you're doing it all, but it still feels like it's never quite enough.
You're choosing to do all of this, but also there's a part of you that feels like, why is this always on me? Here's the thing, this exhaustion we feel. Doing everything and not feeling like it's ever enough. Even the resentment we can start to feel when we feel taken for granted.
It really isn't about the laundry or the missed texts or the eye rolls. And it's not even just about our kids not saying thank you. At the heart of this, what we're really feeling is that our love isn't being seen or acknowledged.
Just let that sink in for a second. Because you give love constantly. Through your effort and your thoughtfulness and your acts of service.
You put love and care and consideration into every single thing you do to support your big kid. You show your love through the dinner waiting on the stove and that text that says, hey, honey, I love you. Good luck on your exam.
You show your love through the way that you keep tabs on your big kid's life. Even as you try to navigate, giving them space. You love your kid through every reminder and every errand you run.
Every time you pick up a dish with lying around. And you actually don't have to do any of this. But the truth is, every single time you do this, these acts of service, you're showing your kid that you love them.
That you care. So when that love is ignored or taken for granted, it really can start to feel like it doesn't matter to them. Maybe even like you don't matter.
And again, it's not just about the thank you. It's more about wanting to feel like all of the love that you put into this relationship is landing somewhere. I mean, when they were little, our love was constantly being reflected back to us.
Those little kids showed us constantly how much they loved us back. Through their hugs and their kisses and the I love you mommies. Even the cute way they would parrot back thank you just because you reminded them to say it.
It was all so much easier in some ways back then. Now you still love your kid just as much. But that love isn't reflected back in the same ways.
You don't get the bedtime hugs or the little hands reaching for yours. Now it's headphones on, eyes locked on phones, locked doors, one word answers. And even when you tell yourself this is maybe just what I need to accept.
That this is just what growing up looks like. It doesn't make it hurt any less. You're still loving your big kid with everything you have.
But now that love requires a kind of faith. Faith that they really do love and appreciate you. Even if they don't say it.
But here's what I often see with the moms I work with who find themselves in this place. The problem is that it's not just that our kids take us for granted every once in a while or for just a few days. And then they say, wow, mom, you just do so much for me.
Thank you. The truth is the stage goes on for a really long time. You can feel like it's been months or maybe years since you've gotten a heartfelt thank you or any type of acknowledgement for your effort.
And even if they do say thank you or I love you mom sometimes, what you can hear more often is all the ways you annoy them. These little ways they communicate, you're somehow letting them down. So it's hard to give weight to all those small moments of appreciation when they do come.
Because it doesn't really feel like enough. And even though intellectually you can tell yourself they're just going through a stage, it's hard not to get to a place where you feel like something must be wrong. And this is where you start to feel shame.
Because what if you've somehow raised a kid who really is this selfish and self-centered? I mean, honestly, it's like added to the list of one more thing I've done wrong as a mom. Maybe I made it too easy for my kid. I did too much for them.
I gave them too much. Or I didn't make them help out around the house enough so that they could appreciate how hard it is to juggle everything. And so I've raised this entitled, unappreciative kid.
How are they going to make it in the real world if they always expect people to be doing things for them? Look, if you've ever found your mind going there, I get it. Mine too. Add being kind and appreciative to the long list of things we feel responsible as moms to help our kids be in this world.
And so it's really no wonder that we blame ourselves when they act entitled or just ambivalent about how much work goes into supporting them and making their lives go smoothly. Is it developmentally appropriate that our kids are a little self-centered and even oblivious to the impact of their lack of gratitude? And maybe it's also true that they're trying really hard to separate themselves from us and be more independent. But does that really mean that we should let them get away with not being appreciative? I mean, look, we feel responsible to help our kids be the best version of themselves.
So doesn't it also stand to reason that we should draw the line and not let our kids treat us this way? But here's the part we almost never stop to consider. What if our urgency to fix their lack of appreciation isn't actually about them at all? What if it's about us? About how much we want to feel valued and respected for all of the love and the effort we put into being their mom. And look, I'm not saying that we're weak or needy.
This isn't just about looking for validation. It's that for so many years, being a mom has been the place where our love meant something. Our effort mattered.
And in fact, what we got back when our kids were little was beautiful. It made us feel loved and yes, validated. We weren't looking for that validation.
It's not why we became moms. But let's face it, all of those years of having our love reflected back and the loving and appreciative eyes of our little kids, it felt really good. It made all of that effort feel worth it.
And I wonder if it also influenced how we've all come to understand this rule, what being a mom should feel like. You show your love, you take care of your child, and they reflect that love back to you. But then somewhere along the way, they stop.
Or they don't do it as readily or easily as they used to. And that can feel like a real loss. And it's not just loss of gratitude.
It's feeling the loss of a version of motherhood that made us feel valued and loved. I don't think we talk about this part enough. Because underneath the frustration and the feeling taken for granted, I think there's a real part of us that's grieving the end of a chapter where we felt love was reciprocal.
The depth of their need for us, feeling needed, it made us feel like we mattered. And when our kids showed us appreciation, we felt like we were doing okay, that we were doing it right. And now it's not like we're not still bending over backwards for our kids, trying our best.
But yet, we don't see that same reflection of love and acknowledgement back. It's a little heartbreaking, that shift, when you think about it. And it's really hard not to internalize it, make it mean that maybe there's something that we did wrong, or maybe something that we're not quite getting right.
I mean, you look at other families, other kids, and they seem, at least on the outside, to have kids that seem kind and appreciative. So where did I go wrong? So it makes so much sense that you feel this urgency to fix it. When you think your kids should be more grateful, when you tell yourself it's your job to make them appreciate you, notice what happens.
That should immediately puts us in this mode where we're either failing to teach them the right values, or failing to command the respect a good mom deserves. The moms I've coached who struggle with this will often talk to me about the boundaries they need to put in place to get their kid to be more respectful, more appreciative, less lazy and entitled. And believe me, I get it.
And I'm not saying that you shouldn't set boundaries here. But before you do, I want to invite you to consider a subtle shift in perspective. Because what if the problem you're solving for isn't about not letting them get away with anything? What if your true focus could be on not making their gratitude a measure of your success? Because the truth is, the moment you stop tying your worth and value to your kids' actions and reactions, you can actually show up with much clearer boundaries, a whole lot less frustration and resentment and anger.
Imagine treating yourself with so much respect that the only answer is for your kid to follow suit. We often approach boundaries around respect by demanding respect. We tell our kids they need to be more appreciative, more respectful.
So we're essentially coming to the conversation from a place of lack. We're not being acknowledged or appreciated, and they need to give that to us. And as long as we put ourselves in that position, we're essentially waiting for our kids to fill this need for us.
It's like parenting from an emotional deficit. But imagine the alternative. Imagine starting from the perspective that you matter, period.
That your effort is valuable and meaningful because you know the intention behind it, not because your big kid validates it. You essentially come from a place of knowing I am already whole and worthy, no matter what my kid does or doesn't do. And if you truly lead from this place, you don't need your kid to behave differently for you to feel valued and appreciated.
You literally give that gift to yourself because you don't need to earn appreciation or ask for it or wait for it. You can start each and every day, every moment of your day, by valuing yourself. Your heart.
Your acts of service. Your selflessness. And when you do this, you find that you don't need to prove your worth through others' gratitude.
Just imagine this. Instead of thinking they should appreciate me, how can I make them see what I do? You step into the realization that I'm already doing a lot here and I get to decide what I'm willing to continue doing and what I'm not. Or instead of thinking they're taking advantage of me, it becomes I want to honor my own time and energy and limits.
And that means I may stop doing certain things for them, not to teach them a lesson, but because I'm respecting my own time and energy. Or instead of thinking they're so entitled, you shift into deciding to support your kids in ways that feel good to you and say no to doing the things that don't feel good to you. They're not actually entitled to any of the things that you do to support them, so maybe you could take ownership of that.
The difference is so subtle, but it's powerful. It's the difference between waiting to feel seen and appreciated and seeing yourself, valuing your own time and energy and making proactive decisions about what you will and won't do. Ironically, this subtle shift works wonders in your relationship with your big kid.
Because when your boundaries come from self-respect rather than resentment, they feel less loaded. Less urgent and emotional. And look, they might still roll their eyes or forget to say thank you.
But the impact of that is so much less because your emotional well-being is no longer waiting for them to give you something that you've learned how to give yourself. And if you're listening to this and thinking, I want to learn how to do that. I want to learn how to value my time and honor my own contributions and not need to be appreciated.
This is exactly the work inside of Mom 2.0. It's where I teach you how to build this kind of self-respect and self-validation so that your relationship with your teen isn't weighed down by frustration and resentment. Because here's what I want you to remember, my friend. You are an amazing mom.
You have always shown up with love day after day after day doing your best. I already know this about you without a shred of doubt. And none of that changes just because your teen is growing up or distracted or just not showing you the appreciation you deserve.
But what can change is the way you show up for yourself. You don't have to earn your worth through their gratitude. And you don't have to wait for them to validate the fact that you are a good mom.
And when you start treating yourself like one, that's when everything starts to change. You don't have to put up with disrespectful behavior. And you definitely don't need to feel relegated to taking care of everyone else's needs and ignoring your own.
Instead, let this be the moment you start becoming the mom and the woman who doesn't lose herself in the process of raising these incredible, complicated, growing humans. You have more power to do this than you think, my friend. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
