WHAT THE COLLEGE PROCESS TAUGHT ME ABOUT PARENTING TEENS AND LETTING GO | EP. 197
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
If you're a mom in the middle of college application season, or even just starting to think ahead, I know how stressful this time can feel. In this episode, I'm going to share the lessons I wish I'd known before my boys went through the process themselves. And by the end, you'll walk away with three things.
First, a new perspective on the college process, one that helps you let go of what you can't control. Number two, you'll gain some practical ways to support your team without getting consumed by anxiety. And number three, this conversation will be an invitation to build a deeper sense of trust and connection with your big kid and with yourself as you both navigate this next chapter.
Because yes, the college application process can feel overwhelming, but it can also be one of the most meaningful opportunities to grow closer to your child before they leave the nest. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
We are back in the college application season. If you have a senior going through the process right now, or a younger kid in high school and you're already starting to look ahead with a bit of anxiety and maybe even dread, I want you to know that I am with you. I have been in your shoes, and I know how hard it is.
It's hard for so many reasons, and each one of us moms experiences some different flavor of it. But there's so much I wish I had known ahead of time. Some of these things I learned through the process of both of my boys applying to college over the past four years.
But some of these lessons have only really solidified for me now that I'm officially an empty nester. Now that I've had the experience of both of my boys getting through the process and heading off to college. So I wanted to share some of these thoughts with you as you grapple with how to best support your kid through the college process, and frankly, how to support yourself.
Because yes, this process is about our kids. It's their journey. But as moms, we can't help but go through it with them.
We feel like we're also on that emotional rollercoaster, feeling the stress and the uncertainty. And it's all so real. And I want to honor that.
I know how hard it can feel to be sitting on the edge of such a big unknown, feeling so helpless at times to be able to make it easier for your big kid. So my hope is that some of the lessons I've learned will help you and maybe ease the process for you just a little bit as you go through this season with your big kid. The first lesson I wish I'd understood ahead of time is that the college admissions process isn't actually about our kids.
It's about the colleges. We'd like to believe that it's about the opportunity, about finding the right fit where our kid can thrive and grow. And yes, college can be all of that.
But the process itself, the way schools select students, the way they market themselves, and the way they structure early decision and early action, it's built to serve their goals, not your child's. Colleges, at the end of the day, operate like businesses. They are, in fact, typically nonprofit organizations.
But they're still marketing themselves and operating to meet a bottom line and create institutional priorities to attract donations from their supporters and alumni. So when they go through the process in selecting kids, what they're really doing is shaping an incoming class that meets their institutional priorities, their budget goals or their rankings or their image. That's why this process can feel so unpredictable.
Because one year a kid might get into a school and the next year a kid with nearly identical credentials doesn't. Or you see one kid who doesn't seem qualified who gets into a school and the next year some overqualified kid doesn't get in. And honestly, it's not necessarily about one kid being more talented or more deserving.
It's really because the college is filling different needs every single year. Maybe they need more kids for their football team, or they want to increase the number of women in their STEM programs, or they're looking for more full-paced students. And look, that's not to say that any of the goals the colleges have are inherently wrong or bad.
It's just to say that who they choose to admit is more about them than it is about the student. The other factor to keep in mind is that the competition now is totally different than it was 30 years ago when we were applying to college. Many of the top 100 schools, schools that 30 years ago admitted 30, 40 or even 50% of applicants, now these same schools are accepting less than 10%.
The most selective schools are accepting less than 5% of students that apply. And that's not because kids suddenly got smarter or that these schools became better. It's because more students than ever are applying.
And on top of that, because of how unpredictable the college process is, many of these kids are submitting applications to 15 or more schools each. And the number of available openings at any of these schools hasn't really changed. So the math just doesn't work in any kid's favor.
You've got a small numerator and a really big denominator, and that adds up to chances of admissions that feel more like winning the lottery than an application process that you would think should be about your kid. And you might be hearing this and thinking, okay, but my kid isn't applying to those top schools. And I hear you.
But here's the frustrating thing. Even if your kid isn't aiming for the Ivy League or the top 20 schools, this competition still impacts them. Because when so many kids are applying to so many schools, it drives up the total number of applications everywhere.
So even those schools that used to be considered safety schools, now they call them foundation schools. But even those safe schools are seeing record numbers of applicants, which pushes their acceptance rates down too. So for our kids, all of them, the process just feels harder.
That's why I think it's so helpful to remind ourselves and our kids that these numbers don't really mean anything about them. They don't measure intelligence or drive or potential. They just reflect a system that's, frankly, more about the colleges than it is about the kids that they serve.
And maybe this is where we might stop to ask ourselves, is all of this even worth it? Because when the process feels this competitive, this high stakes, it's easy to forget what college is really for. The goal isn't just to get in. It's actually more about what our kids do once they get there.
It's about learning who they are, how to live on their own, and how to fail and recover, how to make choices and take responsibility for themselves. So yes, in my opinion, college can absolutely be worth it. But not because of the name on the sweatshirt.
It really becomes worth it when it becomes a space for our kids to figure out who they are and what they want. So if your kid has their heart set on a particular school, or maybe if you have your heart set on a particular school for them, it's really helpful to remember that if they don't get in, it has nothing to do with their ability or their chances for future success. It is truly a reflection of a system that has become more about the colleges than the kids applying to them.
Keeping that perspective can take some of the hurt out of the process, particularly if it involves some rejection. Most importantly, because it helps you show up for your kid not from fear or comparison, but from a place of peace, reminding yourself that whatever the outcome, it doesn't determine what comes next. The second lesson I've learned, and this one really hit home for me now that both of my boys are in college, is that the destination doesn't determine the experience.
We spend so much time thinking about where they'll end up, as if that decision will define their future. But once they're there, the name of the school matters so much less than what they decide to make of it. And I saw this play out in two very different ways with both of my boys.
My oldest applied early and got into a really competitive school, his first choice. In other words, he won the lottery. Needless to say, when he got in, he was over the moon.
But a year in, he realized there were a lot of things about the school that didn't really match what he wanted. I remember him saying, I wish I'd given myself more options. Maybe I would have been happier at another school.
Of course, at the time, my heart broke to hear this. After all of his hard work, it was like it still wasn't what he wanted. I could even see my brain want to take responsibility, as if I could have guided him to find a school that was a better fit.
Thankfully, my son also found parts of the experience at his school that he loved, and he's learned how to make the most of it. But even getting into his dream school didn't guarantee a dream experience. And then my younger son has had the opposite experience.
He didn't get into his first choice, and he was waitlisted and eventually rejected from a number of his other top choices. He, like many other students, submitted many applications, and he was accepted to some excellent schools, and he picked the best of them. But he made the choice feeling like it was a prize.
And that was hard to watch in a different way. Thankfully, my youngest is someone who has somehow learned at a very early age the power of mindset. And so he went into his college experience determined to make the most of it.
And now, two months in, I see him diving in and making connections, working really hard. When he calls home and he tells me things are good, I keep getting my hopes up that maybe the school is growing on him. Except every once in a while, he'll remind me, Mom, I'm definitely transferring.
Both my boys, in very different ways, have had to make the most of their experience. But what's interesting is that my youngest has even admitted to me that if he'd been accepted early to his first choice, he probably would have coasted through the rest of his senior year and showed up to school less motivated. It's almost like that disappointment lit something up in him.
Maybe that rejection, that moment that felt like such a failure at the time, was exactly what he needed to become the best version of himself. So now, when I think about the difference between my boys' experiences, what I see so clearly is this. It's not where they go.
It's who they decide to be once they get there. As moms, that can be hard to accept because we've spent so many years guiding and encouraging and shaping their experiences. It feels like college is this last big handoff, and we want so much for it to work out for them.
But no matter how much we care or how hard we try, we can't control how our kids think or feel about their experience. They're the ones who have to decide how they'll show up, what they'll make of their opportunities, how they'll handle the disappointments, what kind of person they'll be in their next chapter. And that is both terrifying and immensely freeing.
Because once you separate your responsibility from their journey, you can let go of some of the pressure to make your kid make it all turn out perfectly. And instead, you can start trusting that no matter where they land, or even how they go through that process, it's about them and not about you. This takes me right into the third lesson, which is maybe the hardest one for us to accept.
And that is that our kids' growth comes from their struggle. I can see this so clearly now looking back at both of my boys. Their biggest moments of growth didn't happen when things were easy for them.
They happened in those moments where they were struggling with friendships, with their schoolwork, with rejection, motivation, or just figuring out who they are. And I'll be honest, those moments were very painful to watch. There were so many times I wanted to jump in and fix things to make it easier for them.
And sometimes I tried. And more often than not, when I did, it backfired. Either they didn't listen or they pushed me away entirely.
And it was hard not to take that personally at the time, or to feel even more anxious when I saw them spiraling and I felt like I knew how they could fix it, but they didn't want to hear it from me. But over time, and maybe it's easier for me to see this in retrospect, but even in those moments, as I coached myself through the hardest period of time raising my boys, I realized that their struggles weren't mine to solve. And as much as I wanted to shield them from their discomfort, to try to give them the cliff notes to figuring it out, their ability to learn how to navigate their struggles in their way was exactly what has shaped them and is continuing to shape them into capable, resilient young adults.
I remember a time when I was talking to one of my boys about an issue with his girlfriend, and I remember saying something like, don't worry, every relationship you have teaches you something and helps you figure out what you really want in a relationship. I was just trying to cheer him up, but I remember him looking at me and saying, mom, I'm not in this relationship as a stepping stone. If I commit to something, I'm in it.
Even if I could see that this relationship would likely not last forever, in his mind at the time, it was everything. And who was I to tell him that that wasn't true? That was his journey to discover for himself. When you're watching your big kid struggle, or just not live up to everything you hope and want for them, I know it feels terrible.
You just want them to be okay. But it is worth remembering that every hard moment is teaching your big kid a lesson. Sometimes it takes them a while to figure out what that lesson is, and they might not get it the first time.
But truly, their growth is in that struggle. The hard truth is that growth and change don't come from things going well all of the time. The desire to change, to shift your mindset, to try things differently, that comes from seeing the circumstances you're in and thinking, no, I want something more.
And often that happens when you feel like you've failed, or you're just disappointed by your outcomes and you decide, I've got to do something differently here. This is how all of us learn. We don't grow from someone telling us how to handle something.
We grow from living that experience, from failing and having to recalibrate, from discovering step by step that we have what it takes to figure it out. So when your kid is struggling, whether it's with grades, or with relationships, or something much bigger, try to remember this is where their growth is happening. Clearly, it doesn't mean you stop loving them or guiding them, but maybe your job isn't to fix it.
Maybe your job is to hold space for them to figure it out. And I have to say that for me, watching my boys go through something hard and come out stronger on the other side, it's one of the most beautiful and humbling experiences of motherhood. The fourth lesson I've learned is that so much of my anxiety about my kids wasn't really about them.
It was about me. I know that might sound strange, because of course we worry about our kids. We see them struggling and we want them to be happy and to succeed and to avoid their pain.
But when I look back, what I see so clearly is that a lot of my fear and frustration came from my own perception of what was going on with my boys, from the stories I was telling myself about what their choices or their struggles meant. I remember watching them and thinking things like, they should be trying harder, or they're not taking this seriously, or if they don't get this right, something bad will happen. Those thoughts created my anxiety and sometimes even frustration and anger, not because of what they were doing, but because of how I was interpreting their experience, what I was making it mean.
And here's the thing, when we feel frustrated or anxious, we often think it's because of what's happening out there, because of our kids' behavior or the uncertainty of what will happen in the future. But our emotions are really being driven by our interpretation of what's happening. Two moms could have kids in the exact same situation, same grades, same setbacks or challenges, and one might think, this is terrible, my kid is never going to be successful, while the other might think, they're going to figure it out, I believe in them.
These two thoughts create completely different emotional experiences. It's truly not the circumstances of our life that determine how we feel, it's our mindset about those circumstances. And this isn't at all to discount the fact that sometimes the circumstances you're facing with your kid really are hard.
Sometimes our kids do truly struggle with serious things. There are times when thinking they'll figure it out doesn't feel like an option, because you're watching them in pain or struggling, and it breaks your heart. But what I've learned from personal experience is that even in those moments, maybe especially in those moments, our mindset about our circumstances still matters.
Not because it changes those circumstances, but because it changes how you show up to them, how you decide to support your kid in the midst of those struggles, where to set boundaries, how to approach the situation from a sense of calm confidence rather than anxiety and frustration. I know it's not at all helpful to just pretend things are fine when they're not, but in those moments when you're facing a situation with your big kid that is truly out of your control, and yet you can't stand by and do nothing, think of the power of tapping into strength and steadiness, even when things are hard. This is why it's truly so valuable to understand how your anxiety is really more about you than your kid, because understanding this helps you see that your urge to fix things or step in, it's not always what your kid needs.
It's often about your own discomfort. And my friend, I've been there too. We want things for our kids to be better, but what we also really want is to let go of our own fear and frustration.
And this can sound like a hard truth, because I know so well that this anxiety, our fears and frustration, they really do come from a good place. They're connected to the deep love we feel for our kids and the responsibility we feel to help them be okay. I really do get it.
But remember that last lesson, that their growth is in their struggle. Maybe our job isn't to fix it, but to be a mentor and a guide, an unconditional supporter, always there for them, cheering them on, but not needing it to look a certain way so that we can feel okay. When we learn how to allow our own discomfort to be able to feel our own anxiety without reacting, we create the space for our kids to grow.
And also, consider how much it allows you to grow too. This is truly the superpower I have gained over the past five years, raising and launching my boys, learning how to love them without needing them to be okay, so I can be okay. This is how you create real peace in your life.
It doesn't mean you stop caring. It doesn't even mean that you stop stepping in to support your kid. It means you stop making your big kid's life about you and start allowing it to be about them.
And that shift changes everything, my friend, your relationship with your child, and just as importantly, your relationship with yourself. The next lesson I've learned is that there is always another path. So much of our anxiety as moms comes from believing that this decision, this outcome, or this moment is the one that will define our kids' future.
We raise those stakes so high in our mind. We tell ourselves that if they don't get into this school, or if they choose the wrong major, or if they don't start applying themselves right now, then they'll never be successful. And that is simply not true.
Life offers us endless opportunities to pivot. People transfer colleges, switch majors, change careers, take gap years, or find entirely new passions that they never saw coming. We forget that most of us didn't follow a straight path either.
I've seen this play out with both my own kids, but also with so many of my clients' kids. The disappointments, and the rejections, and the wrong fits, and the detours often end up leading to experiences that shape our kids in the best possible ways. But we as moms often can't see that in the moment because we're so busy trying to avoid our own pain, or prevent what we think will be future pain.
The truth is, even when things don't go as planned, it doesn't mean something's gone wrong. It just means life is unfolding differently than we expected. And there's incredible freedom in remembering that nothing is ever final.
And this perspective doesn't just apply to our kids. It's true for us too. We get to keep evolving, keep choosing, keep redefining what's next for us.
Every season of life invites us to make new choices, and that is such a gift. So when your mind starts spinning with what-ifs, or when you feel fear that your kid has missed their one shot, take a breath and remind yourself, there is always another path. It may not look like the one you planned, but that doesn't mean it's not the right one.
Because what really determines the outcome is not the circumstances we're facing, it's the way we choose to respond to them. And we always have an opportunity to choose a new response. That's true for us and for our kids.
The last lesson, and maybe the most valuable lesson of all of them, is that this process can actually bring you closer to your kid if you let it. I'll be honest, I know it doesn't always feel that way. The college application process can easily become a source of tension in the family.
There are deadlines and essays to write and choices you have to make, financial considerations to work through, and it can sometimes feel like every conversation with your kid ends badly. I remember there was one moment during my oldest senior year when he announced at dinner that he wasn't going to college. It took everything in me not to lose my ever-loving mind.
Believe me, I get it. It can be hard. But if we step back, there is such an opportunity here.
Because when we stop trying to control the outcome for our kids, when we let go of needing our kids to make us feel okay, we create space for something new. And that's a different level of connection with our kids. This moment is one of the last big transitions before our kids take that next step towards their independence.
They're testing their wings, trying to figure out who they are, navigating a pretty big change for them. What I've learned, sometimes the hard way, is that the more I focus on connection rather than control, the more open my relationship with my boys becomes. Because in those moments when I stopped needing them to be a certain way for me to feel at peace, I was actually able to see them in a whole new way.
Even when things felt messy or uncertain, I could love my boys as they were, not as I thought that they should be. And that kind of love, the kind without conditions or expectations, has deepened our relationship more than anything else I could have ever imagined. So if you're in the thick of this process right now, feeling anxious or disconnected, I want you to know this is also a chance.
A chance to lean into compassion instead of fear and comparison. A chance to listen more than you tell. A chance to show your kid that no matter what happens, you believe in them completely.
Because in the end, this process isn't just about getting into a college. It's a chance for both you and your kid to grow, to learn how to trust yourselves and each other, and to stay connected even as everything starts to change. And this has been one of the most meaningful lessons I learned in the process of understanding all of these other lessons.
First, that the college process itself isn't actually about our kids. It's about the colleges. It's not a report card on your parenting or a prediction of your kid's success in life.
Second, where they go doesn't determine their experience. What matters is how they show up and what they make of it. Third, the struggle is where they grow.
The hard moments are often the ones that help them learn who they are and what they're capable of. But this growth also happens on their timeline, not yours. Fourth, so much of our anxiety isn't really about our kids.
It's about us. And when we take ownership of that, this is when we learn how to show up to support our kids from a place of peace instead of anxiety and frustration. Fifth, there is always another path.
Life is full of opportunities to pivot and start again. And finally, this whole process can bring us closer to our kids. It can teach us how to stay connected even as they take their next steps to fly on their own.
That's really what this season of motherhood is about. Learning how to let go of the anxiety and frustration. To let go of needing things to be a certain way so you can feel okay.
But it's never about letting go of your child. That, my friend, is something I will never do. So if you're in this stage, if you're feeling the mix of pride and fear and frustration and uncertainty that comes with watching your big kid navigate their next steps, I want you to know that you don't have to figure it all out on your own.
I've designed my Mom 2.0 coaching program to help you take these lessons and apply them to your life. Not just the college process, but to this entire season of motherhood. We work on releasing the pressure to fix and make our kids okay just so we can feel better.
I teach you how to stay calm even when things aren't going the way you hope. And I'll show you how to support your big kid from a place of calm, trust, and confidence rather than fear and frustration. You'll learn how to let go of your anxiety while deepening your relationship with your big kid and also with yourself.
Because these lessons don't just apply to our kids, they're invitations for us too to grow and evolve and to create a next chapter that feels deeply fulfilling. So if this conversation resonated with you, if you're ready to stop spinning in anxiety and actually love these fleeting moments with your big kid still at home, and also build connection with your big kid as they go off and fly, I'd love for you to join me. There's a link to learn more about the program in my show notes.
My friend, these lessons aren't just about getting your kid through the college process. They're about learning how to trust them. And maybe even more importantly, to trust yourself.
To be strong enough to let them struggle. To know when to step in and when to step back. And most importantly, to know how to strengthen your connection even when life gets hard.
You have done so much beautiful work in guiding your child through their life. And now your work is to continue to show up with love and confidence and peace as they take their next steps. And to trust that that is exactly what they need most from you.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes.
You have more power than you think, my friend.
