THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—"MY KID DISRESPECTS MY BOUNDARIES” | EP 196
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
Have you ever just lost it when your kid ignores a boundary you set? I know I have. In fact, the problem is, it's not just that our kids ignore our boundaries or break a rule one time. It's that they do it again and again and again.
And oftentimes, they almost seem to not care that they're doing it. When one of my boys first got his license, he came home from curfew late every night he went out. And actually, it was even worse because it wasn't even my curfew.
It was a state-mandated curfew. In New Jersey, the first year you have a license, you're not allowed to be driving after 11 p.m. The funny thing is, if I had had to give my son a curfew, I might have actually given him until midnight. But here we were, it was a state curfew.
As in, you could lose your license if you abuse it. And my son came home after 11 p.m. every single night he went out. I have to be honest, it wasn't the only challenge I was having with my son at the time.
But it was definitely the icing on the cake. I can't even tell you how irrationally angry it would make me that he would, night after night after night, totally disregard this curfew. And not only that, but I'd start texting him at 10 p.m. And I'd start off kind of friendly, like, OK, it's time to start thinking about coming home.
Then at 10.30, I'd text, OK, time to start driving home. And I could see on my phone his location. And so I knew exactly how long it would take him to drive home.
And so as the clock inched closer to that last-minute time when he'd have to leave to make it home, I'd get increasingly frustrated. Until then, that time would come and go, and his little location icon would stay put, not moving. Just thinking about it now, I remember how angry I was.
Angry, resentful to be kept awake. Because, of course, this would happen on school and work nights as well. And I felt hurt, too.
Like, how is this kid being so willfully disrespectful? So I remember at the time trying to be intentional with how I was approaching my son around this issue. I tried to be calm. I tried reminding him nicely.
I tried not to be texting him so frantically because I felt like a crazy person. I also wanted to give him a chance to get home on time without needing me to remind him. But none of that worked.
So I started trying to find the right rule and the consequence. And I thought I was being really clever by taking time off of his curfew for the next night. So if he got home at 11.30, he'd have to deduct 30 minutes off the next time he went out.
But then that next night, not only would he not come home at 10.30, but he wouldn't come home at 11 either. It was absolutely infuriating. I also considered just telling him he couldn't use the car.
But then I'd be on the hook for driving him around again. And to be honest, I didn't really want to do that. And then to top it all off, grounding my son altogether felt like it was adding fuel to the fire of our relationship.
Because we were already having struggles. For me, at that time, drastic consequences felt like they were only going to make things worse. So I tell you this story because I know how hard it is.
The thing is, we do try. As moms, we try so hard to find the right boundary. And we want to communicate it in the right way.
And still, we run into these situations where our kids just don't seem to care. They don't respect the boundary at all. And sometimes you feel like you might as well not even try.
My kid doesn't respect my boundaries. It feels terrible. And I bet you can relate.
Whether it's with curfews. Or maybe for you, it's screen time. Or how your kid talks to you.
How often they text back or call home from college. How much time and effort they put into school. Or trying to get a job.
Or doing their chores. The things they do that you really don't want them to be doing. Or the things that they're doing that are just keeping them stuck.
Not helping them get where they need to go. The thing is, I really do think as moms, we often do know better. And we feel like we're just trying to help our kids.
The things we're asking them to do just make sense. And also, we feel like they're not unreasonable. We even see our kids pushing back over just being kids.
And we try our best to understand that they're still kids in many ways. They're still trying to figure things out. So we want to help them along with that.
And so in the meantime, you're trying your best to stay calm. And to be clear with your boundaries. And yet, notwithstanding all of your best efforts, your kid ignores you altogether.
And if you're like me, or a number of the moms that I coach, it makes you furious. Look, I've been there so many times with my boys. And actually not just with my boys, in my life.
There are just those times in life where other people disrespect your boundaries. So let's break down what's really going on here. Because the truth is, the problem isn't simply what your big kid is doing or not doing.
The problem is actually what their behavior means for you. Here's the thing. When we set a boundary, we usually do it with the hope, maybe even an expectation, that it will work.
That our team will understand and respect the boundary. And that they'll follow through or comply. So when they don't, it makes perfect sense that our first reaction is to be disappointed.
We expected one outcome, and we got another. But that's what happens the first time. And then it happens again.
You reiterate the boundary, and then they ignore it. And so the disappointment starts to build into anger. You feel like, seriously? How many times do I have to say this? Or why can't they just listen? You start with disappointment when your expectations aren't met because you're thinking, I thought they'd listen and they didn't.
But the anger starts to build when, on top of the disappointment, you start to think things like, they don't respect me. They don't care about me. Or I'm being taken advantage of.
Any number of thoughts that essentially make their behavior mean something about you, or what's being done to you. The anger you're feeling is actually a way your brain is trying to protect you. It's like a defense against what you perceive as disrespect, or even danger.
It's your brain's way of saying, I matter. And my boundary should matter to you. On top of the anger and the disappointment, you can also feel fear.
Fear that you've lost control. Or that your influence or your connection with your kid isn't as solid as you want it to be. You can also fear that this is a glimpse of what's to come when your big kid's out in the world.
You start to make it mean something about how they're going to act with bosses, or significant others, or how they're never going to get their act together. You start imagining what it means if they don't listen now. You think about the bad choices they're going to continue to make, and where that's going to lead them.
You can even start to fear that you're losing your connection with them. And when the boundaries you set don't work, it's also easy to start doubting yourself. You've tried to think it through and say it the right way.
But when the boundary gets completely ignored, you feel like you must not be doing this boundary thing right. Maybe you beat yourself up for being too lenient. Or you beat yourself up for being too strict.
You think, maybe I should have approached the situation differently, or explained it better. Your brain is essentially trying to problem solve. To make sense of why your big kid isn't responding the way that you hoped.
But the solutions aren't clear. Look, if you figured out what worked, problem solved, right? But there are times, and believe me, I've been there, there are times when the boundary just doesn't work. No matter what you do, or how many different ways you try to approach it.
And so then on top of disappointment, and anger, and fear, and self-doubt, you feel powerless. It's that sinking feeling that no matter what you say or do, it won't matter. I was talking to a client the other day and she told me, I could set a boundary around how long my kid has before she gets a job.
But then what happens when the time is up? Am I really going to kick her out? The answer is no. So then what? It's like we look at our options as all or nothing. You either set the boundary and hope that this time they'll respect it.
But if not, then I'll be called on my bluff, because we really don't want to have to enforce any really harsh or drastic consequence. But on the other hand, just sitting there and accepting this behavior doesn't feel right either. You feel absolutely stuck and powerless to be anywhere else.
And this is a place I find so many of my clients when I first meet them. And when we're in this place, we often feel a sense of shame and defeat. We feel like we should be able to handle this.
We should be able to get through to our kid. Or you may even tell yourself, I know what I should be doing, and I don't have the strength to do it. Because again, it involves consequences I'm not willing to enforce.
So just notice how all of these feelings aren't really about what our kid is doing. The way we feel is really being driven by what we're making this behavior mean. And that meaning is often tangled up in a misunderstanding many of us have about what boundaries are actually for.
We've been taught to believe that the purpose of a boundary is to get someone else to behave differently. It sounds so logical, right? We set a rule or a limit because we want to see a change. We want our kid to come home on time, or to speak respectfully, or to follow through with their responsibilities.
And we have this idea that if we communicate this boundary clearly enough, that they'll respond in the right way. But this is where we fall into the mindset trap of the illusion of control. It quite literally means that we think if we do the right thing, or say things in the right way, that we will be able to change or control someone else's reaction or behavior.
And because we think this way, the way we measure our success in setting the boundary is whether or not the other person meets our expectations for how they're supposed to behave. And here's the thing, I don't know if you've noticed this in your life, but what I've found in mine is that people are often not very good at meeting our expectations. And that's not just our kids, it's everyone.
We walk around our lives having a hope about how the world will be, and the world just doesn't comply. But then when it comes to the people we love, or with whom we're in a relationship, especially when it comes to our kids, we feel like we should be able to communicate what we need to be different and that they should listen. I mean, at a fundamental level, if they really loved and respected us, they would do what we ask, right? So in our minds, it's not about control, it's about respect and mutual connection.
Like why would you willfully do something I asked you not to do, or alternatively not do something I asked you to do? But if you peel away the issues of respect and connection, at a fundamental level, we're approaching boundaries in a way that defines success as getting the other person to do things the way we want them to do. So if our teen listens, we've done it right. But if they ignore us or push back or roll their eyes, we've failed.
And we tie a lot of meaning to this failure. But even more, we tie our emotional peace to how our big kid responds. And more than anything else, this is the problem.
Because when our peace depends on our kid doing exactly what we want them to do, we've handed over all of our power. Basically, our moods and our confidence in parenting, even our own self-trust. All of this begins to depend on something you can't actually control.
Your kid's behavior. Now, as you hear all of this, you might be thinking to yourself, so what, I'm just supposed to give up? And I want to assure you that this is not what I'm suggesting. This isn't about giving up.
It's about understanding what is actually within your control. Because here's the thing, your child's behavior isn't about you. It's about them.
Their choices are being driven by their own thoughts and feelings, just like yours are. You can set a rule. You can share your expectations.
But you can't control what your teen thinks about the rule or how they feel about it. You can't make them think, Mom's right. I should really go to bed on time.
Because the truth is, they have a lot of other thoughts going on in their head about what they want and what their priorities are. And what's almost always happening when your kid doesn't respect a boundary is that they simply have a different priority than you do. And this isn't to defend their behavior.
Their priority could be looking cool in front of their friends or having a good time or just scrolling on their phone. I'm definitely not saying their priorities are the right priorities necessarily. I'm just saying their priorities and desires and the thoughts they have about their life, that is what's driving their behavior right now.
And your boundary is just one small piece of the puzzle. Unfortunately, what becomes very clear when your kid blows through a boundary is that your boundary is not their priority. So it's not even just that you can't control what they do.
You can't control how they think or how they feel about your boundaries or your rules or your priorities. And when you really let that sink in, it's actually freeing. Because it means their behavior isn't about you.
It's not at you, although I know it can feel that way. Their behavior is about them and it does not define your success as a mom. So what do we do with this? What I want to offer is that you redefine what a boundary actually is.
Because a boundary doesn't work as a tool to control someone else's behavior. The only time it does is when that other person agrees to honor your boundary. So instead of defining a boundary as a rule someone else is supposed to follow, let's define it as a clear decision about how you will show up no matter what someone else decides to do.
The upside of this definition of a boundary is that it puts you in control of protecting your own emotional well-being, regardless of how someone else responds. Because remember, your teen's behavior is being driven by their thoughts and feelings. You can't control those, and that's actually good news.
Because it means you can stop wasting your time and energy trying to force compliance and instead focus on what is actually in your control, which are decisions about how you will approach your boundaries and how you will follow through with them. So you might be thinking, but isn't that what I'm already doing? Because maybe you are being intentional. You're setting limits and you're trying to enforce consequences, but it still feels like nothing changes.
But what makes this approach and this new definition of a boundary different is your mindset about why you're doing it. When most of us set boundaries, we're still measuring success by whether or not our kid complies. We're basically thinking, if they listen, the boundary worked.
But what I'm offering here is completely different. It's redefining the boundary as something that's about you and not them. It's not, if they respect the rule, I can relax, I've done it right.
Instead, it's, I've decided what I'm going to do and who I'm going to be here, regardless of how my kid responds. The first statement, if they respect the rule, I'll have done it right, it's still about control. It's hoping your boundary will create a certain reaction in your big kid.
And even more, it ties your ability to relax and feel successful with your ability to change your kid's behavior. But the second statement, I've decided what I'm going to do, regardless of how my kid responds. This is about self-trust, knowing that you are always in charge of your peace and your decisions and your follow-through.
And that this is always true, even when your kid doesn't do what you hope or want them to do. Essentially, it's shifting the focus on you and what is actually in your power. So let's talk about what stands in the way of this actually working.
And honestly, it's our emotions. Because it sounds so reasonable in theory, right? You decide how you want to approach the situation, you follow through calmly, you try to be mindful that you're not trying to control your kid, but then your kid rolls their eyes, or they slam the door, or they completely ignore what you said. And then all of these emotions come up for you again.
You can't help but default back to thinking, they're disrespecting me. They don't care. This isn't working.
And look, I want to acknowledge these triggers are real. Believe me, your kid's behavior can just set you off. And the reason is that our nervous system equates their behavior with danger.
I talk all the time on this podcast about the motivational triad, how our brain's default instinct is to avoid pain and seek pleasure and to conserve energy. So our kid's behavior feels painful, and it takes up a lot of our energy. So of course we go into fight or flight, and our anger is triggered.
But here's something to consider. Just because you're triggered, just because your body has this automatic reaction, doesn't actually mean anything has gone wrong. What's really happening is that it's emotionally uncomfortable to hold your boundary without getting the reaction you wanted.
That discomfort is what makes you want to lecture or punish or try harder to get them to change. Not because it's effective, but because it relieves that feeling of powerlessness for just a moment. So what stands in the way of us staying intentional and calm in the face of setting these boundaries is really our emotional attachment to how our kid responds.
The real work is learning how to allow that discomfort, to remind yourself, their reaction is not my measurement of success. In truth, your boundary is always about how you respond, again and again and again. And so the real measure of success isn't whether or not you got your kid to comply, but it's really, were you who you wanted to be in those moments, no matter what happened? I can tell you, for a long time with my son and his coming home late, I was not who I wanted to be.
There was one particularly low point when I sat on our front porch step after midnight, fuming, waiting for my son to come home. And when he finally did, I unleashed on him. It was definitely not one of my proudest parenting moments.
And I remember that moment so vividly because afterwards I felt awful about how I showed up. But I realized the way I was showing up was being driven by what I was making his behavior mean, that he was disrespecting me, that he didn't care, that he was being selfish and irresponsible. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get him to change his behavior.
So I realized I had to change mine. And that meant first taking responsibility for how I was fueling my own anger in a way that was not helping the situation. Even if it was true, if he was being willfully disrespectful, or if he really didn't care about me or the rule, my power was still in deciding who I wanted to be in the face of that.
I'll be honest, it wasn't easy. It took practice and continually returning to a place of intention. But what changed was that I was different in the way I consistently approached the situation.
And my friend, that changed everything. This stage of parenting isn't about having to choose between coming down hard on your kid or giving up. It's about choosing who you want to be and how you want to show up with your big kid no matter what they do.
And this is exactly the kind of work we do inside of Mom 2.0. Because boundaries aren't really about rules. They're about choosing who you want to be. They're about seeing where you have power and where you don't.
And this is what helps you stay calm, clear, and confident, even when your big kid doesn't respond the way that you hope. In Mom 2.0, I help you uncover the thoughts and the expectations that keep you stuck in a cycle of frustration and self-doubt. And I teach you how to step into a new level of emotional authority, not by controlling your teen, but by learning to trust yourself no matter what they do.
So if you're ready to stop measuring your success by your teen's behavior and start finding and creating your sense of peace again, this is the work. You can learn more about Mom 2.0 through the link in the show notes. So let me leave you with this.
The next time you notice yourself thinking, my kid's not responding to my boundaries, take a breath. Remember, your power isn't in getting them to listen. Your power is in who you choose to be even when they don't.
You can't control their reactions, but you can always control how you show up. If you want to create peace and connection with your big kid, it truly starts with you. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
