MINDSET TRAPS OF PARENTING TEENS AND THE EMPTY NEST—THE REAL REASON WE FEEL SO ANXIOUS AS OUR KIDS GROW UP—INTRO EPISODE EP. 193
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever noticed how motherhood feels like one long lesson in letting go, but no one ever tells you how to do it? One day you're juggling snack schedules, and the next you're trying to figure out whether to step in or back off with your teen, or wondering how to stop worrying when your college kid doesn't text back. In this episode, I'm kicking off a brand new mindset trap series, taking a fresh look at the thought patterns that keep us moms of teens and almost emptinessters stuck in worry, guilt, and self-doubt. You'll learn why your brain mistakes uncertainty for danger, how that survival instinct fuels your anxiety, and how to start shifting out of it so you can feel at peace, confident, and connected again.
Because this stage of motherhood isn't just about letting go of your kids. It's about learning how to let go of what's in your mind that's holding you back from feeling at peace. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. Motherhood, I've come to realize, is a really long journey of letting go. When my boys were little, I let go in a million little ways all of the time.
I let go of their hands as they learn to walk, when I drop them off at preschool, when I put them down in the classroom and let go, hoping they wouldn't cry. My oldest cried every single day until he got to pre-kindergarten. It was horrible.
I'd walk away from the classroom, my heart pounding, hearing him call for me, trying to tell myself he'd be fine. Before I knew it, they weren't holding my hand anymore. I was just dropping them off, at friends' houses, at activities, that first big sleepover, then summer camp.
Sometimes these felt like big milestones, but other times, you were just living life, and before you know it, your kid would have crossed another threshold of independence. Do you even remember the last time you picked your child up in your arms? It's heartbreaking to think that you probably don't even remember when that moment was. I know I don't.
I wonder if we'd known, if it would have felt different being in that moment, realizing it was the last time. Maybe we would have experienced it a little differently. It's all exactly as it should be.
It's beautiful, but heartbreaking. Somewhere along the way, I started thinking of it as the long goodbye. As I looked ahead to high school graduation, it felt particularly true, the thought that I would be saying goodbye to this time in my life when I had kids at home.
But it's interesting that now that both my boys are in college, out of the nest, I realize it's not so much a goodbye as a see you later. Almost like the sleepovers got longer, or now they're just in summer camp for a much longer time. But then before you know it, they come back, taking up space in your life again.
And that can be as much true as when they call home as it is when they come home. What's really happening over these years I think of as the emptiness straddle, this period from middle school through college and beyond, we're in the middle of this gradual and almost imperceptible shift that starts with being needed for everything to being needed differently, and sometimes not at all. And what's so hard is that the letting go isn't just about watching them walk out the door more often or move further away.
It's about releasing that invisible thread between our peace and their choices. It's about learning when to speak up and when to say nothing, or when to trust that they'll find their way, or when to step in because you feel like they need you to, whether they like it or not. This type of letting go is really emotional.
It's about learning how and when to step in and when to hold back. I have to say that when my boys became teenagers, that line between stepping in and letting go got a lot fuzzier. There were times when I really knew I had to get involved, but there were just as many times when stepping in too much seemed to make things worse.
In fact, I was often surprised at how wrong I sometimes was. There were times when I felt certain that I had to get involved, to set a boundary or to hold my kids accountable, and then I was blown away by the fact that I was wrong. Or how often my best efforts ended up blowing up in my face.
That's the thing that no one tells you about this stage of parenting. There's no manual. There is literally no one right answer.
And I don't care what the parenting experts say. It's complicated. You're constantly trying to read the room.
Is this one I need to trust that they're going to figure it out on their own? Or should I really be setting a limit here? We're insisting that something changes. I'll be honest, my friend, sometimes I got it right and other times I didn't. And every mom I know has her own version of this story.
I think about some of the women I've worked with, how each of them has faced her own version of this delicate dance between holding on and letting go. My client Laura, for example, once told me she feels like she's always on call. Her daughter's in high school and she's doing her best to give her daughter space.
But the moment she senses something's off, she feels this pull to step in and fix it. And her daughter actually appreciates her help most of the time. Except Laura feels constantly on edge, waiting for that next shoe to drop.
She also worries that she's supporting her daughter too much and that maybe she won't be able to go out and do life on her own when she goes to college. Laura came to me hoping to let go of the constant anxiety she felt about her daughter and how much she was helping. My other client Sarah came to me because she was just so frustrated with her son, who was constantly ignoring chores and pushing limits.
She told me he acts like he doesn't care. She tried to set boundaries and to enforce consequences, but she felt like it always ended up with her taking away the phone and then him going ballistic. So she felt like they were constantly in power struggles and nothing ever changed.
What she really wanted was to let go of the constant anger she felt toward her son. But she felt stuck between two terrible choices, try to push him to do what he needed to do and keep instigating the power struggles, or just give up. And believe me, she was on the brink of giving up entirely.
And then there's Christina, whose kids are already grown and out of the house. And on one hand, she's adjusted to the emptiness pretty well. But when we met, she found herself still wracked with anxiety about each of her kids in different ways, worrying about the quality of their relationships, or how they're spending their time, or whether or not they were really happy.
So even with the kids out of college, she was still grappling with her own flavor of letting go. What I found is this season of motherhood isn't just about finding new purpose or taking on a new hobby. It's even more about letting go of the layers of who you've been, both as a mom and as a woman, and learning who you are without these rules that have defined us for so long.
This emptiness straddle is truly a long journey where you're constantly pulled between wanting to protect and hold on, and then learning how to trust and where to let go. What I've come to understand both through my own journey, but also through having the privilege of coaching so many moms in this stage of life, is that this push and pull isn't a sign that we're doing motherhood wrong. It honestly comes down to our desire for our kids to be safe, happy, and successful.
Because if they are, then we can feel like we can be safe and happy. And let's just call a spade a spade, we want to be successful too. And a big part of safety is certainty.
The sense that life is predictable and on target, what we want it to be. But the reality of life with big kids is that life is anything but predictable. We're constantly negotiating between who our kids are becoming and who they are right now, and whether or not they need us to point them in the right direction.
And this, my friend, is where the mindset traps come in. Because even when we know, or at least hope intellectually that our kids will be okay, our minds tell us stories that keep us stuck. Stories like, if I don't fix this, I'm failing as a mom.
Or if I let go, something terrible might happen. But the reality is that these thoughts don't feel like stories. In fact, they feel really true.
Almost like they're urgent, like they need us to pay attention to them. So let me just take a step back and define a mindset trap. You can think of it as simply a thought that feels true, but that actually creates unnecessary pain or keeps you stuck in pain.
Here's a simple example. As moms, we could think, if I don't stay on top of my kid, he'll never be responsible. I mean, it sounds true.
Believe me, I know from personal experience. But when you believe this thought, what happens? You nag, and you remind, and you hover over your kid. And then your kid gets defensive, you get frustrated, and you end up in another fight, feeling disconnected.
The thought feels true because you feel like you can point to evidence that it's true. But at the same time, the thought actually perpetuates the power struggles you don't want because it fuels the way you show up. And even worse, because you believe that if you don't stay on top of your kid, they'll never be responsible, not being on top of your kid feels like you're giving up on them.
So stepping back doesn't feel like an option. The problem with mindset traps, they are truly traps. Because they feel true, you keep trying to fix the situation outside of you.
Whether it's your teen's behavior or their attitude or their moods or their choices, you keep trying to fix those things. When the real solution is focusing first on what's happening inside of you. Now here's one of the most important things to understand about mindset traps.
They're your brain's way of trying to protect you. Your brain doesn't see these ways of thinking as traps. It's just your mind's way of trying to help.
Because our minds are biologically wired to seek comfort, avoid pain, and make things as easy as possible. Here's the thing, and this is actually really fascinating. Our brains weren't designed for peace or fulfillment or even happiness.
They were designed for survival. Your brain's primary job is to keep you alive. That's it.
Everything else, joy, purpose, connection, growth, those are a higher function of the brain that came later in evolution. The oldest part of your brain has many names. Some call it the primitive brain, the survival brain, or the lower brain.
Neuroscientists might refer to it as the limbic system or the amygdala. Whatever you call it, the bottom line is, the main job of this primitive brain is to keep you safe. You've probably heard of the fight-or-flight response.
It's that automatic surge of energy you get when you sense danger. And this response comes from the primitive brain. It's the part of your brain that's constantly scanning for danger and keeping you on alert to be ready to react.
Thousands of years ago, this part of the brain gave us the motivation to help guard against predators or to find shelter. But today, this primitive part of our brains is still very active, even though we're no longer in constant danger or needing to constantly worry about survival. So instead of being on the lookout for predators and storms, now our primitive brain is triggering a fight-or-flight response when our teen slams a door, for example, or our college kid doesn't text back.
These dangers aren't physical. They're actually emotional dangers. But our bodies are still responding in the same way.
Your heart's racing. Your chest is tightening. The problem is, your primitive brain can't tell the difference between a tiger in the woods and a teen with an attitude.
It just knows something feels off and it wants you to fix it. Once your brain decides there's a danger, it does what it's designed to do. It triggers a physical fight-or-flight response that compels you to react.
Maybe you start arguing, or you shut down, or maybe you go into hyper fix-it mode. The primitive brain's only goal is to help you get rid of the discomfort you feel because of this danger as quickly as possible. What our brains are essentially driving us to do is to avoid pain, to seek comfort, and to do what's easiest.
This is something scientists call the motivational triad. Let's take a deeper look at each of these instincts that make up the motivational triad. The first is our instinct to seek pleasure.
Your brain is essentially wired to find comfort, control, and predictability. It wants things to feel good and certain. That's why you crave peace in your house, or why it feels so satisfying when everyone's getting along.
It's also why you feel such intense discomfort when your teen is upset with you. Your brain reads conflict as danger, and so it pushes you to want to change it, even if that means swallowing your frustration or saying yes when you really want to say no. Now here's the interesting part.
This instinct to seek pleasure isn't all bad. It's the same wiring that drives you to want love, connection, laughter, and closeness with the people you love. These are all beautiful things.
But the primitive brain is actually only chasing the feeling of comfort and safety that those things bring you. It's not actually worried about the deeper and lasting experience of peace or joy and connection. What it's driving you to seek out is this quick relief, the momentary sense of everything's okay.
And here's why this can be a problem. This desire for comfort means your brain is constantly scanning for little hits of relief, the moments that feel good or familiar or validating. So you might try to manage your kid's mood so you can feel calm again.
Or you might find yourself scrolling on TikTok or snacking or pouring a glass of wine at the end of a long day just to unwind. You may even try to control situations so everything stays predictable. Because when things go smoothly and you know what to expect, your brain gets to relax.
In all of these situations, your primitive brain is chasing temporary relief, not necessarily lasting peace. It's looking for the quick reward, that moment when everything feels okay. Your brain actually doesn't care whether those choices actually serve you or deepen your connection over the long term.
Your brain only cares that you'll feel better right now. And while that instinct once helped us survive, today it often just keeps us chasing control and comfort at the expense of the deeper, more sustainable sense of peace that comes from building trust and patience and emotional growth. The irony is that when you chase comfort too much, you end up creating more stress.
The more you try to make everything feel good and certain, the less tolerance you have for the natural discomfort that comes with growth, independence, and change, both yours and your big kids. Over time, that focus on control and short-term relief can actually make you more anxious, not less. Real peace actually doesn't come from everything being calm and easy all the time.
It comes from trusting yourself to handle things even when they're not. And that's something the primitive brain doesn't understand. It's truly just trying to protect you and keep you comfortable.
But when you let it go unchecked, it keeps you chasing short-term comfort at the expense of long-term connection, confidence, and emotional resilience. So now let's talk about the instinct to avoid pain. While our basic instinct to seek pleasure compels us to move toward comfort, the instinct to avoid pain pushes us away from anything that feels hard, uncertain, or emotionally risky.
Again, it's your brain's way of trying to protect you. But as I've said, in modern life, most of the pain we experience is emotional. It's those moments when we see our kids struggle or when we feel the guilt of enforcing consequences when our kids get upset or when we feel the shame of thinking, maybe I messed something up, that somehow I should have prevented this.
The problem is when you keep trying to avoid pain, you also avoid growth. You rob yourself of the chance to build emotional resilience, to learn that you can handle discomfort and actually build strength in handling that discomfort. For example, you could feel the urge to say something to your college kid about a choice you don't agree with.
And if you're defaulting to this instinct to avoid pain, you might not say anything because you're afraid of how they'll react. Maybe you've decided in that moment that the discomfort of not saying something is better than the potential pain of having a fight. But then when you avoid the situation, you also miss the chance to build the skill of communicating openly with your big kid, of allowing them to have their feelings without taking it personally or escalating the conversation.
And the more you avoid these conversations, the bigger they can feel, almost to the point where you just avoid them altogether. And this is just one example. We do this with so many things, with conversations, with trying new things, putting ourselves out there in ways that might feel uncomfortable, standing up for ourselves, even saying no.
It can become easier to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that these situations bring up for you than to build the skill of actually facing these situations head on. Ultimately, you end up unintentionally reinforcing the message to your brain that emotional pain is dangerous and needs to be avoided, which only makes you more determined to avoid it the next time it comes up. And yes, it could be true that avoiding pain in these ways does give you short-term relief, but the cost is long-term growth and peace.
And these feelings, growth, strength, peace, they don't come from escaping hard feelings. They actually come from allowing emotional discomfort in the short term. Peace is actually what happens when you stop running from emotional pain and start trusting that you can handle whatever comes.
Now let's look at the third and final instinct of our primitive brain. It's to conserve energy, essentially to take the path of least resistance. Your primitive brain is designed to save energy whenever possible.
Thousands of years ago, this meant resting instead of overexerting or sticking with what was familiar instead of venturing out into unknown territory. It's ultimately about avoiding unnecessary risk or effort. And this instinct helped keep our ancestors alive.
But yet again, today this instinct often keeps us repeating the same old patterns, even when they're not working for us. Believe it or not, it's the reason you find yourself reacting in ways you didn't want with your teen, even though you told yourself you were going to be patient this time. It's because it's a pattern you created that your brain defaults to.
It's actually the same reason you find yourself at the bottom of the bag of chips or cookies when you told yourself you weren't going to eat them. This instinct is actually at the root of why we form habits. Because your brain loves efficiency.
It wants to turn anything you do repeatedly into an automatic pattern so it doesn't have to think so hard. And once a behavior becomes familiar to you, whether it's driving to the grocery store or reaching for your phone when you feel anxious, your brain saves this pattern as a default setting that becomes an automatic habit. And the reason these habits can feel hard to break is because they've been delegated to your primitive brain, which has essentially created a neural pathway to lock that habit in.
The problem is that your primitive brain doesn't distinguish between helpful and unhelpful habits. It just repeats what's familiar, even when those habits create problems for you. And not only are the habits running on autopilot, but your brain resists the effort to change the habit because learning new things or doing things differently actually requires effort.
If you've ever tried to change a habit and found it to be surprisingly hard, it's simply because your primitive brain is essentially saying to you, that's too much work. It's not worth it. Let's just do what we always do.
And just like with all of these basic instincts, the instinct to conserve energy isn't necessarily bad. In fact, it's responsible for creating your good habits too. But if you always default to this instinct, especially when your default patterns and habits aren't creating what you want, then you end up staying stuck in those same cycles that you don't want to be in, whether it's nagging or feeling resentful or overthinking and feeling wracked with anxiety.
When you combine all three of these instincts, seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, and conserving energy, you can start to see what a powerful force they can be in keeping us stuck in the same emotional patterns. Your brain really isn't trying to make your life harder. It's just trying to keep you safe.
I think safety means comfort, control, and predictability. So in its default setting, your brain will always push you toward what feels familiar and away from what feels hard or uncertain. And if you hear nothing else, I hope you'll hear this.
None of this means that there's something wrong with you. You're not weak or broken if you fall into these default ways of being. You're human, and your brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do.
So once you understand this, you can figure out how to work around these default patterns to create something new so you can work with your mind instead of against it. So getting back to the concept of mindset traps, those thoughts that feel true but actually create unnecessary pain or keep you stuck, when you're stuck in a mindset trap, it's because your brain is being guided by this motivational triad, by this instinct to survive. So my goal with this mindset trap series is to help you see these traps your brain falls into so you can step out of survival mode and into a more intentional, peaceful, and connected way of approaching your life.
My friend, you can actually learn to reprogram your brain. You can start to notice when your brain is pulling you towards short-term relief or pushing you away from discomfort and instead choose something different. You can actually learn to pause and ask, what do I really want to create here? And this is the work I do every day with moms inside of my Mom 2.0 coaching program.
I teach you exactly how to stop reacting to these default settings of your mind and instead approach your life with calm, confident intention even when your life still feels challenging or uncertain. This is truly a skill set you can learn and it's what I teach in my coaching program. So please reach out if you'd like to learn more.
Over the coming months, I'm going to return to the Mindset Trap series with a fresh take on the specific mindset traps we fall into. Traps like perfectionism, the illusion of control, and all-or-nothing thinking. In this series, you're going to start to see how each one of these traps is just another version of your brain saying, let me keep you safe.
My friend, if you find yourself falling into mindset traps that aren't working for you, you're not broken. You are simply human with a very human brain. But I know you're also a mom doing your best and you have the opportunity to step out of this survival mode, always feeling like you're reacting to the circumstances of your life and instead step fully into power, peace, and intention.
So let's do this together. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
