PARENTING TEENS WITHOUT THE PAIN—WHAT IF IT'S NOT TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? | EP. 191
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever wished that parenting your teen didn't have to feel so hard? Maybe you want to stay calm or to stop overreacting, maybe to actually enjoy this stage of life, but no matter how hard you try, you keep falling back into the same old patterns of frustration, worry, or guilt. If this sounds familiar, I want you to know that you're not broken. This isn't a sign that there's something wrong with you, or even that there's something wrong with your teen.
In fact, there's a reason it feels so hard not to react in ways you sometimes regret, even when you love your teen and really want to show up as the best version of yourself. In today's episode, we're going to talk about why parenting teens can actually feel so painful, and what's really going on when you feel stuck in reactions that don't reflect the mom you want to be. Because once you understand this, you'll start to see that parenting your teen with calm confidence isn't too good to be true. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. I was meeting with a woman the other day, and I was explaining my coaching program to her, and explaining the impact of the work that I do with my clients.
Namely, that I empower moms to let go of the anxiety and frustration and even the sadness of this stage of motherhood, so that they can show up in their life with intention. I give them the tools to create peace and confidence, and even a stronger sense of connection with their kids, no matter what challenges they're facing or how their big kid is behaving. And the comment she made to me in this discussion was that when I asked her what she thought of this, she said, it sounds like it's too good to be true.
It was interesting because in that moment, I knew exactly what she was thinking. I remember when I first got exposed to this work of coaching, it was at a time in my life when I was frustrated with a lot of things. But my biggest frustration at that time was actually with myself and the way I was showing up in my life.
Specifically, I was frustrated that at the end of every day, I would pour myself a glass of wine. And as I got older, I realized this just wasn't sustainable. Every day coming home and pouring myself a glass of wine, even after just two glasses, I wasn't feeling great in the morning.
And that wine also led me to be snacking, which wasn't helping me lose that 15 pounds I was constantly on the treadmill trying to lose. And frankly, I just didn't want to be the kind of person who needed a glass of wine at the end of every day. So there were a lot of reasons why I just wasn't happy with this part of my life.
But if you think about what I needed to change, it was actually very simple. I just needed to stop drinking. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand the way to quit drinking is to stop doing it.
And yet time after time, intention after intention, I didn't change my behavior. I would drink that drink every single night, and I would wake up in the morning and be so pissed off at myself. Somehow in the morning, it was so easy to set that intention for the day.
Okay, tonight, I'm not going to drink. I'm not interested in drinking. I don't need to drink.
It's unnecessary. And there's so many reasons why I don't want to do this. And yet, by the end of the day, I kept doing it.
I kept letting myself down over and over again. I remember the first time I heard some ad for a life coach. She was doing a class called stop over drinking.
And she talked about the program in ways that sounded like exactly what I needed. She said that I could decide when I wanted to drink and when I didn't want to drink and actually follow that intention, that I could be in control of my drinking, but I didn't necessarily have to stop completely. And that I could approach it in a way where I got my power back and wasn't feeling so ashamed and disappointed in myself all the time.
And when I first heard this, my reaction at the time was, it sounds too good to be true. The truth was, I didn't believe in my ability to change my own behavior, because I knew what to do. And I'd already tried doing it.
It wasn't like I hadn't tried so many times I had tried and failed. And it was almost like every failure became one more piece of evidence that told me I wasn't capable of this. Essentially, that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't do it.
So any program that told me that I could change my behavior in this area just felt like fiction, because it still came down to me changing my behavior. And just for context, it's not like I thought I was an alcoholic. My drinking wasn't impacting anyone else.
It wasn't even necessarily noticeable to anyone else. It was just a habit that night after night, I would tell myself I didn't want to drink and then I would be pouring that glass of wine anyway. And me giving into that habit was just a reminder of how much I was really letting myself down, but also powerless to change it.
I really, really wanted to change, but I felt like I couldn't. So getting back to my call the other day when I was talking to this woman and I was telling her about how she could change the way she approached her young adult kids and how she showed up in her life, that she could start reacting with calm intention, how to decide clearly how to set boundaries and actually find stronger connection with her kids again. I totally understood where she was coming from when she said it sounds too good to be true, because she, like most of us, had already been trying her best to show up with her kids with intention.
She loves her kids. She wanted to do what was right for them. And yet when she got into situations with her kids that triggered her, she would find herself falling into the same patterns of reacting.
And all of us as parents can relate to this. We react in different ways, but sometimes it's nagging our kids or following up over and over again, trying to get them to listen to us, threatening consequences, or even getting to the point where we yell or snap back. Or alternatively, we can just end up shutting down, feeling exhausted, kind of giving up in the moment because we're so frustrated and sick of not feeling successful in this relationship with our kid.
We tell ourselves, OK, today I'm not going to nag. I'm just going to set this rule and I'm going to tell them about it, and this time I'm going to follow through if they don't listen. It's not like we don't know intellectually what to do.
In fact, we actually have a pretty good idea of how we want to show up differently. The problem is that when we're in the heat of the moment, we don't do it. It can actually feel impossible in those moments to live into our intentions.
So that's why I completely get it when this mom said it sounds too good to be true. Because she tried, just like I'd tried to stop drinking. She tried everything with her kids.
She tried being patient. She tried not nagging. And I have no doubt there were times when she was successful, and yet it didn't last.
Or what she tried, even with intention, didn't work. Because we're often able to be intentional for a while, but then we just get frustrated when it doesn't work. Because we think, well, I'm doing my best here.
I'm showing up differently. And yet my kid doesn't even meet me halfway. I have another client who, when I first met her, was frustrated because she told me how she's able to be patient with her kids for a day or two, or even a week.
But then when her kids' behavior doesn't change, she ends up reaching the end of her rope. Her frustration just builds up to the point where she explodes. She's like, I can't deal with this anymore.
And then she falls back into the same patterns of reacting and showing up in ways that then she feels guilty about because they escalate into fights and power struggles. And again, we've all been there. We don't want to be nagging and yelling at our kids.
It feels terrible. Because what we really want is connection, not conflict. I think it's worth reflecting on why this happens, why we're able to be intentional for a certain period of time, but then it kind of falls apart.
There's an analogy here to where I started this episode with my challenges not drinking. Because seeing how this plays out in circumstances that might be very different from where you are and where you struggle can often help you gain perspective on your own challenges. So years ago, I realized I would have this intention to stop drinking.
And then I would be able to stick to that intention for a few days or even a week. But then I'd end up giving in to the urges, essentially losing my patience with not drinking. And the reason was that I was essentially white knuckling my way through it.
Because just walking in the door at the end of the day would trigger my urge to drink because it was a habit. And so every time I came home, I'd walk in the door and be triggered. That trigger would create the urge or the desire for me to pour a drink.
And for a long time, I didn't have any other way to deal with the urge other than to muscle my way through it. It was like, I have this urge to drink, but I'm not going to do it. So I'd be in this state of cognitive dissonance, where I wanted to drink, but I also didn't want to drink.
And I was trying to hold these two truths in my mind at the same time. And it was like a battle of wills in my own head. A big part of me wanted to lean into my intention not to drink.
And yet, because I was triggered, I had an equally powerful, if not more powerful, urge to just open up that bottle of wine. It's actually funny how in those moments, my brain would start playing tricks on me. I'd start thinking things like, you know what? It's been a long day.
You deserve it. It's fine. It's just one glass.
Or it's Friday. You deserve to have a little fun. Literally, my brain would be spinning in these thoughts as I came home from work, tearing down my own intention to show up as the version of myself who doesn't drink at the end of the night.
That version of me who honors that intention to be the healthiest and most intentional version of myself. Think about how this plays out in our parenting. We have these intentions about how we want to show up in our conversations with our kids, for example.
Let's say your kid's away at school and you're thinking about a conversation you want to have. And you can be very clear with yourself about how you want that conversation to go. Essentially, you want to be patient.
You want to listen. You want to be clear about what you're saying and make sure they understand why you feel like what you're saying is important. You have good intentions.
And then later, you get home with your kid and you go up to them and you say, hey, can we sit down and talk for a minute? And you get an eye roll or a big sigh. Or maybe, I don't have time for this today, mom. My friend, if this has ever happened to you, you wouldn't be alone if you were triggered in that moment.
Because your brain immediately offers you an interpretation of what's happening. Thoughts like, she's so disrespectful or he always does this. I can't get her to listen.
Maybe even I'm never going to get him to see my point of view or I'm failing at this. Whatever your brain says in that moment, you're facing a lot of cognitive dissonance. Because you still want to be intentional in that moment, right? That side of you hasn't gone away.
You still have the intention to be the best mom you can be in any moment you're faced with. But at the same time, this new circumstance has triggered in you a bunch of thoughts that give you the urge to just let your big kid have it. So you're in this battle in your own mind about how you're going to respond.
Which side wins? Here's the really interesting thing. Just like with my drinking, I could not drink for some period of time. But because I was in that mental battle, trying to push down the side of me that wanted to drink, it was exhausting over time.
It felt like being intentional meant I had to resist and push down and ignore a very powerful side of me that just wanted relief. For me, it was that voice that said, you know what, this would be so much easier if you would just pour a drink. And it's the same thing when we're reacting to our kids.
When you're resisting all of those negative emotions, the hurt about how you're being treated, or the resentment that they're not doing what you asked, or the anger about their tone. Or maybe even the shame of thinking, how did I raise a kid like this? And on top of that, the anxiety of thinking, if I don't fix this, my kid's going to end up being just a jerk to everybody else in their life. Or maybe, what does this mean for our relationship going forward? All of those feelings are there, swirling together, directly conflicting with your intention to be calm in that moment.
And the more you resist and try to push down those painful feelings, it's not like they go away. In fact, the more you shove them down or resist those painful emotions, the more they build up into something bigger. You could think of it like stuffing clothes into a closet.
The first couple of times you throw something in there, it's not that big a deal. But if you never stop to organize or deal with the clothes, eventually the closet is overflowing. You can't even close the door.
And when that happens, everything just ends up tumbling out. You've created so much pressure that it inevitably explodes. And that's when we end up reacting in the same ways we swore we wouldn't.
What's so interesting, because you'll see parenting classes or books you might read about how to approach your teen. And then you read that book and you develop a plan around how you're going to employ that strategy. But then when it doesn't work, you're still left feeling frustrated.
And so I want to offer that the reason those strategies, especially the ones focused on the how of what you're going to do, when they don't work, it's because you haven't dealt with this cognitive dissonance. You have one set of intentions that are very well thought out that represent how you want to show up in this relationship. But then you have another reactive set of perceptions that make it incredibly hard to live into that intention consistently.
It's like those two ways of being, the intentional and the reactionary, are in direct conflict with each other. And here's the truth. When we're reacting to our pain, believe it or not, our brains are actually trying to solve a problem for us.
Because if you're thinking, this is a problem and it's only going to get worse, my teen is this way and it's my job to fix it, then your brain in its default reactionary state is going to try to fix it. It's going to try to get your kid to see the importance of what you're saying because it feels urgent. It can even feel unsafe not to react.
And this is why at the heart of it, it can be so hard not to react to your painful emotions. Because at a very primitive level, when we're experiencing these emotions, our minds want to fix them. They perceive this emotional pain as dangerous, and our brains want to find a way back to feeling comfortable and safe.
So when we're triggered and in that emotionally painful state, the brain thinks that the easiest way to get to safety is actually to yell and get our kid's attention. Or maybe just to withdraw and to keep ourselves safe. These reactions are truly solutions your brain thinks it's offering to ease your pain.
Truth is, then we react, and then we see our behavior as the problem. We then judge it, and we push against it. We resist it.
Notice how all of this judgment creates even more pain. Just think about this. When we react in ways we don't like, like when we yell or nag or just shut down, we're already in pain.
We're hurt or frustrated or maybe even anxious that something's wrong with our kid or with our relationship. And then on top of that, because we've reacted, then we pile on more judgment of ourselves. We tell ourselves things like, I shouldn't have done that or what's wrong with me, I'm a terrible mom.
Now, instead of just feeling the original emotion, the hurt or the fear or whatever you're feeling, we've added a whole new layer of shame and guilt. That second layer doesn't motivate us to do better as much as I think we tend to think that it does. It's so fascinating how our brains think judgment is important.
It actually feels useful, like it's going to keep us accountable, like if we're hard enough on ourselves, then we'll finally change. And I remember feeling this way about drinking and even about when I ate too much. It was like if I could just shame myself enough, maybe then I'd learn how to stop doing what I didn't want to be doing.
But then we inevitably mess up again or do that thing we said we didn't want to do, and then it's like shame doubles down. It's like, see, something's wrong with you. And then we become so focused on beating ourselves up and even then go to the point of starting to think we're not capable of change, when the alternative, what we really need to do, is to get curious.
Rather than piling on guilt and shame, the way out of these ways of reacting that aren't working for us is to get curious about what's really happening. When I started doing this work with my drinking, when I let go of the self-judgment and really got curious about what was happening, I realized my drinking wasn't actually the problem. It was my solution.
The real problem was the frustration and resentment I was feeling at the end of the day, the emotional weight I was carrying around that made that glass of wine feel like relief, like a prize for getting to the end of the day, permission to let myself relax for just a bit. But the truth was, beyond that temporary dopamine hit of the first few sips, the wine wasn't actually giving me peace or relief. It was just numbing the emotional pain for a little while.
And once I started to understand that, light bulbs started going off in my head. I stopped focusing on the drinking and started getting curious, asking myself, why do I get to the end of the day and feel like I need this drink as a solution in the first place? That question opened my mind up to so much self-awareness and self-discovery. Rather than piling on guilt and shame, the way out of reacting in ways that aren't working for you is to get curious about what's happening.
How is this reaction my brain's solution to the problem in front of me? When it comes to parenting, the real question isn't how do I stop yelling or how do I stop nagging? It's really what's creating my emotional pain that's driving me to react this way in the first place. And I want to give you a spoiler. It's not your kid.
It's also not your life. And I'm not saying that there aren't challenging things your kid is doing or disappointing things about your life. In fact, if you're in pain, I'm guessing those things are true for you right now.
But even more than what your kid is doing or what you want to be different in your life, your pain is actually coming from what your brain is making it all mean. It's the judgments and the expectations and the comparisons, all the ways your brain wants things to be different than they are. And look, I think there's a lot of room for compassion here, because there are things you want to be different.
And that can hurt. It's disappointing and frustrating and sad. And the problem is when you're judging yourself for reacting to these emotions, you miss the opportunity to understand where those emotions are coming from in the first place.
But when you take the time to get curious and start to understand where you actually have power to create change in your life, that's when the impossible becomes possible. Look, when we as moms feel frustrated or anxious or sad, our first instinct is to try to fix what's around us. We focus on our kids' behavior or our relationships or our circumstances.
But that focus actually gives all of our emotional power away. Because the truth is, the source of our pain isn't out there. It's in what your mind is making all of it mean.
In my coaching program, I help moms shift that focus inward. I teach you how to get curious instead of critical, to ask questions that help you truly understand how your reactions are actually a solution, and how the key to change in the way you're thinking and feeling about your life. And when you start understanding what's really going on inside your own mind, that's when everything changes.
You stop waiting for your kid or your life to be different before you can feel better. You start feeling calmer and more confident and even more connected, no matter what's happening with your kid or your life. And listen, this isn't about giving up on your kid or doing nothing.
It's about learning how to support your kid from a place of calm instead of chaos, with intention instead of reactivity. And when you understand how to manage your own mind and emotions, you actually become more effective in helping your teen navigate theirs. And that changes everything, for you and for them.
And if you're ready for that transformation in your own life, I invite you to learn more about my coaching program, Mom 2.0. So maybe right now, this still sounds too good to be true. That you could feel calm even when your teen is struggling. That you could feel confident without needing everything to go perfectly.
That you could feel connected to yourself and your kid even when things are really messy. I get it, because I used to think that too. But what I've learned, and what I see happen over and over again with my clients, is that the peace and confidence and the ease we're all searching for, it's not out there, waiting for life to cooperate.
It's inside you, just waiting to be discovered. Once you start to understand how your mind works, you realize that it was never too good to be true. It just takes understanding your own mind to see what is possible.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
