THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—"MY HUSBAND SHUTS ME DOWN” | EP. 190
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
Have you ever had the thought, "My husband shuts me down?" Or maybe it's more that you feel like you and your partner are missing each other. He acts moody or annoyed when you try to communicate. And sometimes, you might even fear that it's somehow your fault.
I've had clients tell me, my husband doesn't like the way I communicate. Now, I typically focus these episodes on the relationship we have with our teens, and maybe even more the relationship we have with ourselves. But here's why I want to talk about marriage and partnership today.
Because the quality of these relationships has such a ripple effect. When you feel dismissed or disconnected in your marriage, it doesn't just impact your partnership. It colors every other area of your life, including, and probably most importantly, your overall emotional experience of your life.
Another reason I think it's often helpful to explore mindset work in different areas of our lives is because sometimes you can see the impact of your mindset maybe even more clearly in those other areas. And all of this awareness can often make it easier to apply to your growth in every other area of your life. In this conversation, I'm going to be focusing primarily on marriages and long-term partnerships.
But what I'm sharing can also be applied if you're divorced, separated, or even preparing for a future relationship. Because the patterns I'm going to talk about today can show up in different forms in any relationship. And building awareness here can truly help you build more productive and connected relationships with anyone, now or in the future.
So it's no secret that communication can be one of the biggest challenges in any relationship. And of course, communication takes many forms. It's not just the words that we speak.
It's our tone. It's our body language. We can even communicate a lot through silence.
We send messages by the way we react or the way we don't react. But here's what you might not know. The relationship we have with anyone is really defined by the way we think about what they say and do.
In other words, it's the way we interpret their communication. In fact, two people could be married to the same kind of man who barely says anything at dinner. And one wife might think, he doesn't care about me at all.
While the other might think, this is just how he unwinds. This isn't about me. Same behavior, but totally different experience of the relationship.
Now, this doesn't mean one woman is right and the other is wrong. It all comes down to what you want and expect out of a partnership. We all have ideas about what it means for us to be in a marriage.
What we want from a partner and how we want to be treated. Even how we think we deserve to be treated. We also have expectations around how decisions should be made and how much we should share with each other.
Even how likely we are to accept circumstances we don't like. Either because we understand the limitations of our partner or alternatively because of how we've been conditioned by our relationships in the past. In other words, it's complicated.
Our perspective about our relationships is influenced by so many different factors. But on a very basic level, when our expectations for our partnership don't match how our spouse or partner behaves, it makes perfect sense that we would feel disappointed by that. When you've been with the same person for a really long time, these challenges and disappointments can feel harder to ignore when they go on or even get worse over time.
And this can be especially difficult as our kids get older. Because think about it, when your kids are little, so much of your energy goes towards them. In some ways, the busyness covers up what's happening in your marriage.
I've even had clients tell me that raising their kids gave them so much love and validation along the way that even if their marriage hadn't been perfect, they were getting the love they needed from their kids. So it was easier to just brush the challenges with the marriage under the rug. But as our kids grow more independent and especially as they start leaving the nest, you suddenly have more time and space and maybe more time alone with your partner to start noticing these challenges and they become harder to ignore.
I think the stress of raising our teens can also strain marriages. Because raising these kids, it's not easy. There are so many issues where we feel like we could really use a unified effort.
And yet you and your partner aren't on the same page. It's a time when good communication feels like it would be really helpful. So when communication between you and your partner is breaking down and the challenges you're facing are really big, it doesn't feel good.
I've had clients tell me about how they feel criticized for the way they communicate with their husband. Or worse, they feel completely shut down or ignored. Women have told me they feel like they're approaching their partner with a proactive and positive mindset.
They're just trying to problem solve or share what they're worried about. Concerns they have about their kid or something in their lives. And they get a, you're overreacting, or you need to let this go.
Or I'm sick of talking about this. Maybe I wish you would get to the point. Women have told me that their husband will just walk away in the middle of a conversation.
It's not a surprise that these women feel hurt and dismissed. Honestly, like their ideas don't matter. That their concerns are almost frivolous.
Even like their husband doesn't care, doesn't support them. So it doesn't feel like a big leap to start thinking that there's something seriously wrong with the marriage if this is happening. I mean, it seems obvious that a healthy marriage should have good communication.
So if yours doesn't, something feels like it must be wrong. We blame our husbands. We also blame ourselves.
One of the questions I often ask my clients when we talk about these concerns is, why are you still in this marriage? The reason I ask this is because so many of us dismiss the idea of leaving. We think, it's not that bad. And divorce isn't really an option for me.
We're not ready to take that big of a step. Then we try to make the relationship work and nothing seems to change. So we feel stuck.
But the truth is, you're not stuck. Staying in a marriage is always a choice. Right now, you may not be ready to leave.
Or you may not think the circumstances warrant it. But it's powerful to acknowledge that you are actively choosing to stay in this relationship. At least for right now.
The reason there's value in owning this is because the minute you acknowledge, I'm actively deciding to stay and work on this marriage, you can reclaim your power. The decision to stay doesn't just feel like the default option. It's actually a choice you're making.
And there's power in being honest with yourself about this. The next step is to start exploring the reasons why you're making this choice. For example, when our kids were little, many of us stayed for them.
We didn't want to break up the family. But now that the kids are older, maybe even leaving the nest, that reason may not hold the same weight. But there may be so many other reasons that we choose to stay in marriages, even when they're letting us down.
One reason could be that you really do love this person. Or maybe you admire the parent that they are. Maybe you're grateful for how hard they work and provide for the family.
In other words, there could be some qualities that you really do value in your spouse. There could also be practical reasons for staying. Maybe your husband is the breadwinner and you've been a stay-at-home mom.
So the thought of leaving and being on your own, figuring out how to support yourself financially, this can feel like an overwhelming step. These are just a few examples. But typically, when we choose to stay, there are some valid reasons for this choice.
At least reasons that make sense or that you need to work through before you are ready to make the decision to leave. And look, if you really feel that you have no connection, or no trust, or no desire for your partner, then you're probably already on your way out the door, at least emotionally. And as I said, this is always a choice you get to make.
You don't have to stay. But what I want to explore today is the question of how do you navigate the desire to try to make a marriage work when communication is a challenge? Because here's where many of us can fall into all-or-nothing thinking. When communication feels hard, our brain wants to simplify things.
That this is either a good marriage or a bad marriage. That we are either connected or we're disconnected. And while those conclusions can feel so true, they also leave out all of the nuance.
The truth is marriage is layered and complicated, just like life. You can feel frustrated by the way you and your husband communicate and still feel grateful for the way he provides for you and the family. You can feel lonely at times in the marriage and still deeply admire the father this man is to your children.
Both of these things can be true at the same time. And when you recognize this, you can create a little more space to see the relationship for what it is. Not perfect, but complicated and human.
This perspective is valuable in any relationship. Because when you only focus on what's missing, you're more likely to feel hopeless and frustrated. And what I talk about all of the time is that we react to our emotions.
So if you're in pain or you're angry, it makes sense that your reactions are a reflection of your frustration, hurt, and disappointment, rather than clear intention. Now, let me be really clear here. I'm not saying this is your fault.
You are not doing anything wrong by having these feelings or reacting to them. This is simply what it means to be human. Our emotions drive our actions.
So the opportunity here isn't to blame yourself. It's to notice the cycle you're in, so that you can step into greater awareness and intention about how you want to show up in your marriage. Now, this awareness doesn't magically fix the problems in your relationship.
But it does help you decide whether there's room to grow and heal in your relationship, or whether you're holding on to something that's just no longer working for you. So let's look at how this works. And I'll use the example of when our partner criticizes our communication style or dismisses what we're saying.
Maybe you're having a conversation about your team, and you share your observations and your worries, and he says, you're overreacting. You talk too much about this stuff. Just let it go.
In that moment, it's natural for you to interpret these words as judgment. You feel shut down. And so there are a few ways we can naturally react.
One is to push back, which often escalates things, and then all of a sudden you find yourself in a fight. Alternatively, you really do shut down or withdraw. You feel like, why bother saying anything if he's just going to dismiss me? Both reactions feel terrible.
And also notice how neither reaction helps improve the communication. And then these patterns repeat themselves, right? So it's not just one interaction where you feel dismissed, and then you react or withdraw. But it happens repeatedly.
And notice how this leads to less effective communication over time. And now what's broken in your relationship feels so much bigger because it keeps happening. So we react to our emotions.
And let's talk about the emotions that come up for us when we're thinking, my husband shuts me down. One reaction we might have is that we blame ourselves. We might even feel shame.
I mean, you feel judged and criticized, but you can also start to wonder, I wonder if he's right. Maybe I am too much. Maybe I am too emotional, or I get too worked up about things.
You start to internalize those judgments. And then these opinions can really make you feel like you're the problem. You start doubting yourself and questioning your instincts and your needs.
And all of that doubt chips away at your confidence in the relationship. You can also feel really lonely. Here you are living in the same house with someone, and yet you feel totally alone, unable to communicate.
You can also feel resentful. It's exhausting to feel so judged and criticized in your own home, no less. You start feeling like you have to walk on eggshells to pick the right time to bring things up.
And that feels so unfair because it feels like if there's anywhere you should be able to be yourself, it should be in your marriage. Another emotion that can come up is fear. Fear about how much worse things will get when the kids leave, and you don't have that buffer in between you and your husband anymore.
Maybe even fear about what will happen if you truly can't save the relationship. Where do we go from there? On top of all of this, it can feel so frustrating to be in a relationship where you really do want to try and make it work. You want to be able to have important conversations and solve problems together.
You want to be able to share your feelings and be connected to this person, especially if you really do feel love for them. But it can also feel like you're doing all the heavy lifting, that he's not even meeting you part of the way. And it's truly heartbreaking.
I want to reiterate again, you don't have to stay. You don't have to settle. You always get to make that choice for yourself.
But again, if you are right now choosing to stay in the relationship and try to make it work, then the most powerful step you can take is to shift your focus from trying to change his communication style to reclaiming your power over your own. And here's what I mean. When we're feeling frustrated, hurt, and resentful, we feel like our husband is discounting us or shutting us down.
And then we can start thinking, if he would only change, if only he would communicate differently or listen better, or just stop shutting me down, then I could feel better in this relationship. And I get it. This feels so true.
And it actually feels like the only option. You're hurting and you just want your partner to show up with you, to meet you halfway, maybe to value you the way you value him. But here's the trap.
When you make your sense of peace and connection dependent on him changing, you hand over all of your power. You're essentially saying, I can only feel better when you behave differently. I mean, it would be amazing if this man would just change, right? There are times when we point something out to someone and they say, oh, right, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you feel that way. And when that works, it's amazing. You feel like you've gotten back on the same page and then that person really does try to change.
But if you feel like your partner is shutting you down and this has been going on for some time, I'm guessing you've already pointed out this problem and yet nothing has changed. The truth is people don't fundamentally change who they are unless they want to. And so your husband isn't likely to change, at least not fundamentally who he is.
This is the man you married. There are probably some things that you know about him. Maybe he's someone who tends to be quieter or who processes things internally.
Maybe he doesn't naturally share emotions the way that you do. These aspects of your husband's personality are not likely to change. So it's worth noticing if your expectations of your husband require him to communicate in the exact way you want or need because then you're setting yourself up for constant frustration.
And here's the part that's easy to miss. In trying to get him to communicate differently, you may actually be doing the very same thing to him that you feel like he's doing to you. Now stick with me for a second.
So you feel shut down when he says you're overreacting or you talk too much. That's him dismissing your communication style. But when you expect him to be open to your communication style or to process things with you or share his feelings, when you essentially also want him to do things differently, to communicate differently, then he can feel shut down too.
Like who he is and how he naturally communicates isn't good enough. Notice how it's possible that both people in the relationship can feel judged and unseen. You feel like your way of communicating is dismissed and he feels like your expectations tell him he's failing.
In different ways, you're both sending the message, the way you do this isn't right. And when two people are shutting each other down like this, even when it's unintentional, it's no wonder that everyone feels disconnected. And the more you both push, the more you both feel criticized and judged.
This is where we just end up in constant power struggles or where both of you just end up withdrawing or shutting down more. You can find yourself caught in this painful cycle. You're trying harder to connect, but he's pulling away.
So you feel more dismissed, then he feels more criticized. So both of you end up feeling like you're failing in the marriage. And the heartbreak here is that all you really wanted was to feel close and connected, to have a partnership and a friend rather than an opponent.
As long as there's a part of you that thinks, I can only feel better when he changes, you stay stuck. But when you decide I get to choose how I show up, no matter what he does, you open up space for the possibility of a different kind of connection. And this actually isn't that different from the way we can approach our relationship with our kids or really with anyone we care about.
We don't get to control how they act or how they respond or whether they meet our expectations. But we do get to decide who we want to be in the relationship. So when you shift the focus from they have to change so I can feel okay to I get to choose how I want to show up, no matter what they do, you step into your power.
And from that place, connection becomes possible again. Not because the other person suddenly changes, but because you've shifted how you approach the relationship. So how do you actually do this? How do you shift out of that painful cycle of waiting for your husband to change before you can feel better? The truth is, it's not about having the perfect words or a new strategy to fix your communication.
It's really about slowing down enough to notice what's happening inside of you. The thoughts and the feelings that come up when you feel dismissed and choosing how you want to respond from there. It's about practicing a new way of showing up that feels more like the woman you want to be instead of getting swept up in those same habits, those same patterns.
And here are a few examples. So instead of reacting or snapping back when your husband says something that feels like he's dismissing you, you might stop and take a breath and decide whether or not the conversation is even worth continuing in that moment. It could be that you need to set a specific boundary around how you'll respond if your partner says something that is rude or mean, making it clear what behavior is not acceptable to you.
And maybe after the conversation, instead of ruminating about the fight for days, you might remind yourself, his reaction isn't about me or my worth. The opinions he has about me aren't true. His reactions are entirely about him.
Setting these boundaries don't discount the reality that you might still feel his behavior is hurtful or frustrating. But as long as you're still committed to trying to make it work, let's reclaim more of your power in the relationship. You can't control how he behaves or how he feels, but you can stop reacting on autopilot and start setting boundaries and showing up from a place of calm intention.
And look, I know this isn't easy to do. When your emotions are running high, it is hard to see another way. And this is the work I do with my clients in my coaching program, Mom 2.0. The work is about understanding how your thoughts and reactions keep you stuck so that you can actually create a clear, calm, intentional way of showing up in your marriage, with your kids, and in your life.
My friend, you don't have to wait for your husband or your kids or anyone else to change for you to feel better. You can take back your power and start creating the connection and peace that you want. This is actually in your power to do.
I've seen this work so many times in our relationship with our kids as well as in our marriages. When you begin to show up with more intention, when you speak calmly instead of reacting, or when you stop pushing for the other person to change so you can feel okay, something shifts in the relationship because you create space. Essentially, you lower the temperature of the relationship.
And often, that space is exactly what opens the door for your partner to lean back in, to start to meet you halfway, because he no longer feels judged and shut down. It doesn't mean he's going to suddenly turn into a different person, but it does mean you're giving the relationship its best chance to breathe again. And from that place, connection is more likely to happen.
You can always decide to leave. You don't have to accept being treated badly, but as long as you're making the choice to stay and try to make it work, try living into intention and see how much power you actually have to create what you want. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.