WHEN BEING JUST A MOM NO LONGER FEELS ENOUGH WHILE RAISING TEENS OR IN THE EMPTY NEST | EP. 189
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
So many moms of big kids worry, am I doing enough? And even, am I enough? In today's episode, I'm going to walk you through the ways moms chase enoughness and why it feels like it never lasts. I'm going to share with you how to shift your mindset so you can finally find peace and a sense of self-trust that doesn't depend on what you accomplish, how others respond, or even what your big kid achieves in life. By the end of this episode, you'll walk away with the freedom that comes from deciding what's enough for you right now.
Let's dive in.
Have you ever had that moment where you look around your life and you think, is this it? Is this all I'm meant for? Just being a mom? Or maybe your kids are out of the house and you're thinking, is this it? I'm not a full-time mom anymore, and I'm not even sure what's left. I hit this point when my boys were just going into middle school.
I'll never forget it. It was a weekend, and my boys were off chasing their dreams, practicing with their band. My husband had even joined his own band, and so they would all spend about four hours out of the house on a Sunday.
At first, I loved it. It had been so long since I'd had the house to myself. The quiet was heaven.
But then, as time went on, I started to dread it. They would be gone, and I would be home cleaning the house and folding laundry. On the one hand, nothing was obviously wrong.
I had a full life. I was a mom. I actually worked out of the house.
I had friends and volunteered. I had plenty going on. But for some reason, in those moments when I was sitting at home alone, it wasn't enough.
And to be honest, I felt kind of ashamed to even think it. I had the life I'd always dreamed of having. Two healthy, thriving sons, a loving husband, and a beautiful home.
I didn't even feel like I had the right to complain. And yet, I was deeply unhappy. And I didn't know how to fix it.
I felt stuck. At the time, even though I felt unhappy, I didn't really know what else I wanted. I remember feeling this sense that my options were limited.
Like I didn't have the flexibility to be able to really go after what I wanted. Even though I'm not even sure I'd articulated, even in my own mind, what that would be. I just knew I wanted things to change, but I couldn't change them.
And this dynamic was fueling a growing resentment that was making me feel even worse. If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone. Many of us moms reach this place as our kids grow up and start pulling away, or as we enter the empty nest.
We've poured so much of ourselves into our kids' lives that when the house gets quiet, or even when it's still noisy, but you don't feel as fulfilled as you think you should be, and then you start thinking, is this it? Here's something that's interesting to consider. For so long, so many of us moms have built our sense of worth and fulfillment, and something I'll call enoughness, on the foundation of how much our kids need us. The truth is, they've needed us to help them and support them for so long.
You can't help but feel how much that matters. But then our kids start not needing us as much anymore, and it's easy to feel lost. But you know what's interesting is that for me, this happened well before my kids stopped needing me.
They were certainly becoming more independent when they were in middle school, but I was already feeling this sense of lack of fulfillment. So the truth is, this feeling of being needed and having a meaningful role in raising our kids is just one of the ways that we moms try to fill our sense of fulfillment and enoughness. Another way we try to feel enough is through doing, through accomplishing and checking the boxes.
So our to-do list becomes kind of a scorecard, and this aspect of feeling enough has always been my go-to. I used to say I'm so busy, as if this meant something about how much what I was doing mattered. I admit that I'm guilty of having done this so much in the past, measuring my worth by how much I get done and how well I juggle it all.
This is another aspect of motherhood that attracted me, and I've had other clients tell me the same thing. It's not only the validation of feeling like your kids need you, but there's also this sense of accomplishment that you can feel that you're the one in charge of running the mothership. You're the one who knows every schedule and what's in the refrigerator, where that favorite sweatshirt is, you know when back-to-school night is, and when the last time your kid's physical was completed.
This feeling of accomplishment and being in charge, this certainly comes from motherhood, but it can also come through work or any other undertaking that you think is important. This feeling of accomplishment and productivity, it gives you the sense that the way you spend your time matters. Again, that you are enough.
Another way we can seek enoughness is through appearances. For example, if your home looks put together or if your body looks a certain way, the way your kids act in public or the way other people perceive your kids. You can even think of this in the context of perfectionism, that we need things to be a certain way.
Even if we tell ourselves we're not trying to be perfect, this becomes yet another way we attempt to prove our worth. And here's the interesting thing. When I speak with my clients about this type of enoughness, they'll often say that they realize they must care about what other people think, but then they'll almost immediately question it.
I mean, yes, on some level, we might care about what other people think, like if they come over to visit you in your home, you might want it to look a certain way. But then we'll still feel compelled on a day-to-day basis to keep everything looking a certain way, even if no one's coming over. Again, it comes back to this concept of enoughness.
What is enough? How should your home look? Or how should your body look? How should your kids behave? And what does all of this need to look like before you can feel okay and at peace? So far, I've covered three ways we seek this elusive feeling of enoughness. The first was in feeling needed and feeling like our role as a mom matters. The second is in doing or accomplishing.
And the third way we try to feel enough is through outside appearances. So the fourth way we seek this feeling of enoughness is through relationships and approval. Look, as humans, we have a basic human need to belong.
We all want to feel appreciated and valued. But the problem is, we then wait for other people's reactions to give us a sense of our own worth. It could be as simple as waiting for the thank you or the compliment before we let ourselves feel like our contributions mattered.
But it can also show up in the ways we change how we show up in order to elicit a certain type of response from someone else. This is where we can fall into people-pleasing. It's when we prioritize what will keep other people happy, even if it comes at our own expense.
The hard truth is that other people just aren't good at giving us the validation we need. And even when they do, if we're always waiting for that next hint of reassurance or appreciation, it truly will feel like it's never enough because you're always chasing it. The last way we try to feel enough is through busyness or distraction.
And this is one that can actually feel deceptively safe because it looks like productivity. I think another thing it does is it keeps you too busy to have to sit with this question of, am I really enough? What I found, because this has certainly been true for me in my life, is that busyness can create this illusion of meaning. It's like, look how much I'm doing.
I must matter. I remember a while before I discovered Mindset Work going with my mom and sister to our annual retreat up in Kripalu. It's in the Berkshires in Massachusetts.
It's essentially a yoga retreat center where you spend the entire time in yoga pants going to sessions on mindfulness and breath work. It's such a healing and low-maintenance space where you barely put on lip balm to walk around. You just come as you are and you spend the entire weekend just existing in your own skin.
I go with my mom and sister as often as we can, and it's this healing space where you can just be. I remember those first few years that we went, again before I discovered the power of Mindset Work, and I remember how hard it was for me to let go, even in an environment where there was literally nothing I had to do. It was like my wheels kept spinning, even though every sign around me said, just slow down, just be here in this moment.
I couldn't let it go. My mind was racing. What do I have to do when I get home? What am I falling behind on? I wonder if the boys miss me.
What do I need to do? At that time in my life, I was raising these young boys and working full-time, but I wasn't even working a particularly stressful job. But yet somehow, between raising kids and work and some volunteer responsibilities, I created this mental headspace where I was never enough. I was never quite on top of everything I needed to do for my kids.
I left work with this running to-do list of what I hadn't done, or worse with this insecurity about how I was being treated at work or what I needed to do to prove myself and gain respect. Even when it came to fitness, I was always telling myself, when I lose that 15 pounds, then I'll feel enough. So I was on this constant hamster wheel, trying to diet and exercise.
But then if I overate or skipped a few workouts, I'd feel guilty. It was like in every area of my life, I never felt complete. I never felt like I could put my pencil down and just say, that is enough.
So at these yoga retreats, I was always fascinated to see how difficult it was for me. Because in almost every session, they would be asking me to just settle in, to breathe, to be enough in this space. And I remember so clearly being in those sessions and receiving this invitation to just be present, to just let it go.
And in those moments, I would get emotional. I would literally start crying. It was like only in those moments did I realize how much I was holding on to.
But as much as I wanted to let all of it go, I didn't know how. On those retreats, there were those blissful moments where I could truly say to myself, for right now, I will just let it go. It was typically in Shavasana, right at the end of the yoga session.
Right after that, I would fall asleep and my sister would wake me up as I'm snoring in the middle of the yoga class. But then the moment the class ended, I'd be right back to my racing mind and feeling not enough. I think as moms, we can take on this mantle of believing that in order to be good at what we're doing, in order to feel successful and complete in our lives, we always need to be doing something or striving for something.
And let's face it, when we're raising kids at home, there is always more to be done. The laundry is constant. The dishes never end.
There's this groundhog day quality to motherhood. When my boys were little, I would put them to bed and finally pour myself a glass of wine, and then I'd turn on the TV and relax. And those were the only moments I truly let go.
Because everyone was safe. Everyone was asleep and the house was quiet. But you lose that as your kids grow up.
Suddenly they're going to bed after you, or they're out while you're wanting to go to sleep, and it doesn't feel like you're done because they're not home safe. Or later, when they're away at college, you're wondering how they're doing, always thinking about how to support them. It's almost like the older your kids get, the less done your life feels, because it's never tied up in this neat little bow.
Even those fleeting moments when everybody is home safe, you can still find yourself dreading the next day or the next challenge or whatever new struggle is around the corner. Even now, as I settle into the empty nest, I feel this pull to fill my time, to be productive or make the hues out of every moment so I don't fall behind. At the same time, I'm trying to fit in fun experiences and travel with friends and time with my husband, visiting the boys.
It's so easy to over-program and over-commit, and suddenly you find yourself right back in that space of rushing around, not able to focus or be present. And here's the thing, I don't think that there's anything wrong with filling your time. At the end of the day, we all spend every single minute of our days, and we get to decide how.
But what I've realized is that at every point in your life, you have an opportunity to decide what is enough. That's really the challenge of this mindset work, because life is always changing. Circumstances change, challenges come up.
It's not like you decide what's enough once and then you're done. Deciding what's enough is an active boundary that you can set. Really something that you need to set again and again.
The truth is that if you're not mindful and intentional with setting that boundary, your brain will naturally default to never enough. And it's worth asking yourself why. Is it the fear of what might happen if you stop trying so hard? Or maybe the fear of letting yourself off the hook and swinging to some other extreme.
Maybe it's the fear of disappointing yourself or letting other people down. Sometimes it even feels easier not to decide what's enough, because then you don't have to face the compromise. You don't have to choose between work and visiting your child, or between sleeping in and getting in a workout.
So instead, we tell ourselves this lie that we can do it all. And in doing that, we set the bar so high, it's literally impossible to reach it. And here's the thing, this trap of never enough doesn't only show up when you're overwhelmed and overscheduled.
For many of us, as we approach or enter the empty nest, the opposite actually happens. Suddenly there isn't as much to do, and the house is quiet. And when you've spent years proving your worth through busyness, through motherhood, and being needed, through juggling all of the moving parts of being a mom, the silence can actually feel overwhelming.
You're no longer doing it all, and so your brain interprets that as I'm not doing enough. I'm not enough. Another challenge is that we often measure enough by what it creates for other people.
We wonder if we've done enough to support our kids, or if we've done enough to help them succeed or make them a good human. And the truth is, our kids are on this journey where they will struggle at times. And it actually has nothing to do with us.
But yet we can internalize their struggles as our own failures, as if we should have done more in the past, or we should be doing more now. And again, because our kids' happiness and success will quite literally always be a moving target, when we base our feelings of enoughness and self-worth on this high bar, we again guarantee that we'll never get there. We'll never feel enough.
The hardest but most meaningful work is in deciding that where I am right now is enough. And I don't mean this in a defeatist kind of way. I don't mean this as just compromise and saying, well, this is as good as it gets.
But I am talking about deciding with intention that everything I've done up to now is enough. And in this moment, I can decide what is enough. I know this can feel hard, because our minds love to go to the past and pick apart every decision we've ever made.
We regret the moments we've lost our temper and the choices we think we should have made differently, the things we think we could have done better. And then our minds go to the future, imagining all of the ways things could go wrong if we stopped trying and pushing and making an effort. It feels like if we don't keep doing more, we'll regret it later, or we'll fail to protect ourselves or our kids from what's coming.
For many of us moms in the empty nest, where our kids are out of the house and we finally have more space and time, our brain actually tries to fill that space with self-doubt. You start to look back and wonder, did I do enough to prepare my kids? Or maybe if I just worked while I was raising my kids, maybe I wouldn't feel so lost now. We can also look ahead and worry, what if I'm not needed anymore? Or what if I can't figure out who I am without my kids? It's like the quiet becomes this breeding ground for regret and catastrophizing.
But the reality is we can't change the past. And we actually can't predict the future, although our brains like to try. And all of this just keeps us from taking the proactive step to decide that right now, where I am, is enough.
When we're focused on the past or the future, we essentially convince ourselves that enough only exists somewhere out there, in what we should have done, or what we need to do next. But what if all you need to do is be here right now, to decide that right now, in this moment, you are enough? The impact of this, my friend, is profound. When you stop and decide that you are enough right now, you stop having to work to prove it.
You stop chasing worth in every task and to-do list, in every relationship, or every outcome with your kids. You give yourself permission to breathe and be present in your life exactly as it is right now, rather than constantly measuring it against some imaginary perfect version of how it should look. Because how can you ever know if you'll actually be happy in that hypothetical place? How would you know if there would finally be enough? Because the truth is, it will never feel like enough until you decide that it is.
You are always the one in the driver's seat. And if your thought is this isn't enough, then that is the direction you're going to steer your emotional life. But when you make this active decision to decide what is enough, you stop being consumed by what's missing and start focusing on what is perfectly imperfect.
The human experience, joy and pain, simply your life. Are you so busy trying to feel enough that you miss the beauty of what is right in front of you, right now? The best way I've found to create this feeling of enoughness is to take responsibility for the decisions I'm making right now about how I want to show up in my life, how I want to show up for myself and my own goals, and how I'm showing up for the people I love. This is the only thing I can actually control.
And here's the thing, my friend. Deciding that you're enough doesn't mean you stop growing or wanting more for your life. It doesn't mean you give up on your goals or your dreams.
What it means is that you no longer chase your worth in them. You choose to pursue those things from a place of sufficiency, not from a place of lack. And that's the shift.
That's what allows you to create peace in where you are now. So if you've been asking yourself, is this it? Maybe the answer isn't to do more or achieve more or to prove more. Maybe the answer is to pause and remind yourself, this is where I am right now and I get to decide what enough looks like right here.
It doesn't mean you'll stay here forever and it doesn't mean you're settling. It means you're choosing to stop beating yourself up for the past or hustling for some future that may never come. And instead you're grounding yourself in the only place you actually have power, which is in this moment right now.
And from here you can decide to create what comes next. Just imagine the freedom that comes from living this way, knowing you don't have to earn your worth, that you don't have to keep running after some future version of yourself to feel happy and at peace. You can choose it right now.
And when you do, you'll find that enough is actually never out there waiting for you. It is always here inside of you, waiting for you to see it. So my friend, if you find yourself stuck in this question of enoughness and you're ready to feel more peace and confidence in this chapter of your life, I'd love to help you.
This is exactly the work I do with my clients in coaching, creating a life that actually feels like enough. So if you're curious, I invite you to schedule a call with me. My friend, you are enough when you decide that you are.
So what's holding you back from making that decision? Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes.
You have more power than you think, my friend.
