THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—I MISS BEING NEEDED | EP. 188
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
I miss being needed. This weekend I was reminded of how good it actually feels to be needed. My son came home from college, and Saturday night he called me.
He was out and he needed my help. I got the call and it was like, wonder mom powers activate. I didn't even have to think about it.
I didn't waste one second thinking about how inconvenient it was or whether or not I felt like helping. And at the time my son called, I was actually out with my husband at a Bob Dylan concert of all things. My husband and I are starting to make plans and doing things that we just didn't make as much time to do when the kids were home.
But in that moment, when I got the call at the concert, it didn't matter where we were. I came back to my seat after having walked off to take the call and I told my husband what was going on. And I was so grateful that he felt the same way I did.
He said, let's go get our boy. That's what we do, isn't it? The phone rings or that text comes in. That look crosses your big kid's face and you're ready.
It's like an instinct. Whatever it takes, I'm going to be there for my child. And I know you know exactly what I mean, because you've been doing this for your kid's entire life.
The smallest hint that they need something and you are there. Maybe it's emotional support or helping them navigate a problem. There's even those times when you just feel compelled to remind your kid that they need to do something.
Or all of those times you're sitting in the audience just cheering your kid on. We've spent years watching our kids for signs that they need us, and we're always looking for ways to make sure they're safe, happy, and successful. And those moments when you see that your kid is okay, that they're figuring life out, it feels amazing.
You feel this deep sense of validation. It's actually like a dopamine hit. Some combination of pride and joy, and actually maybe a lot of relief.
And it doesn't even have to be anything dramatic. Sometimes it's just knowing they're safe, that they're not alone, that they're taking small steps to move forward in their lives. That's enough to give us this incredible feeling of contentment.
And when our kids were little, this happened for us all the time. They ran into a problem and we got to say, okay, here's what we're going to do. And you could see it in their eyes, that look of relief, like, thank God mom's in charge.
She knows what to do here. You could just say to your kid, you're okay. And they would look at you with those big trusting eyes and they would believe you.
They knew that you were going to be there to make it okay. That doesn't mean it was always easy for us. There were definitely times that were stressful and exhausting.
It's hard to see your kid struggling or in pain, but there was comfort in knowing we had control to a certain extent. We could take the lead on what we were going to do to address the problem and our kids would follow that lead. And they welcomed our help and comfort because they actually wanted us to fix things.
At the time, I don't think I realized how validating that was. Not just being able to offer the help, but seeing them actually accept it. Seeing them look at you with that relief and gratitude, even with love.
There was that feedback loop that I can help and they want my help. And it's incredibly powerful. But I'm sure, like me, you've probably seen that feedback loop become further and farther between.
They're not looking for us to fix anything anymore. And when we try, they roll their eyes. They don't always come to us for comfort or reassurance.
We see them struggling and they go to their room to deal with it alone. They don't share details. We try to ask to at least understand the category that they're struggling with, but they tell us, I don't want to talk about it.
Essentially, I don't need your help. But at the same time, you're not quite sure that that's true. You see your kids struggle and they do need help.
They just don't want ours. And that hurts. You're still the same mom, still there to help and do whatever you can to support your kid.
But somehow overnight, they've decided that they just don't need you anymore. Do you ever think, I miss being needed? Let's go back to this concept of validation for a second, because we often talk about it like it's a bad thing. But the truth is, when our kids were little, it was just a fact.
Our interactions with our little kids gave us this steady stream of validation. And again, it wasn't just the act of us helping. It was their response to our help.
It was their relief when we showed up, their trust in our answers and the way they leaned into our comfort. That loop reinforced this feeling that I matter as a mom, that I'm important, that I'm making a difference here. So the reality is that as this feedback loop starts to go away, it makes perfect sense that this feels like a real loss to us.
So when your kid starts to shut you out, you can't help but wonder, do they actually not need me anymore? Or do they just not want me? Even without those visible signs that your kid need you, do you ever still find yourself waiting around to be needed? Like, do you ever stay home on a Friday or Saturday night, not making plans just in case your big kid's home, or texting them just to check in, even though they don't reply? When I started noticing I was doing this, honestly, I felt a little pathetic. Like, why am I waiting around like this? Why am I putting my life on hold just in case my big kid stays home? I realized I was drifting away from my friends, almost making my own life small. And I wondered, how did I get to this place in life where I'm waiting around for someone else to decide whether or not they want to spend time with me? And I was also realizing that they weren't even necessarily weighing spending time with me as one of their top 10 options of things to do.
As pathetic as I remember feeling, the truth is it makes so much sense that we do this. It's like when that car comes to a rapid stop, but you keep moving forward. We've been doing this for decades, being ready, waiting to be needed.
But when I say I miss being needed, to be honest, what I really mean is I miss the evidence that I matter to my kids. I miss that feedback that my love and effort are important to them. It's like, on the one hand, you can think, of course I matter to my kids.
But the way they act sometimes, the way that they can discount you and push away your help and support, you can honestly wonder. Sometimes I'll ask my clients, do you think that your child loves you? And it's honestly heartbreaking how often they pause before they answer. Eventually they'll say, yes, I think they do.
But there's so little day-to-day affirmation of that love, of that feeling of being needed. So let's talk about the emotional weight of all of this. Because when I say I miss being needed, there are a lot of emotions that come up for me, and I wonder which of these resonate for you.
There's sadness and even grief kind of sneaks up on you. You're standing in the kitchen on a Friday night with no plans because you thought maybe your teen would be home. The house is quiet.
And you feel the loss of the years when you were the center of your kid's universe. Those times when the house felt full and you felt this gravitational pull of purpose, of feeling needed. I mentioned before, I've even felt a bit of shame.
That thought, am I pathetic for waiting around to be needed? I mean, what happened to me that I'm no longer creating a life separate from my kids? You can also feel fear. Like if they don't need me now, maybe they won't ever really need me again. And needing me for money or for things, it's just not the same.
You want to feel needed for who you are. To feel needed for your role in your kid's life. You fear becoming irrelevant.
You could also feel a bit of resentment at times. Like in those moments when you put your own life or your own needs on hold, just in case they need you. And then they don't.
Something as simple as them telling you, I'll be home for dinner, so you cook. And then they don't bother to tell you they're running late or that their plans changed. Kind of feel expendable.
I've had so many clients tell me stories of how they've had to rearrange their work schedules or drop everything to mail a passport last minute to college, basically to put out some big fire to support their kid. And they barely get an acknowledgement of their effort. So you feel sadness, shame, fear, resentment.
And underneath all of this is this desire to just feel like you matter. After everything you've done and sacrificed for your child, it actually doesn't feel like so much to ask. To just feel a little bit more like you used to when your kids would come running to you for help or for comfort.
It's not just missing being needed. It's also missing who you were when you were needed. The truth is that all of us moms go through some aspect of observing our kids pull away.
And it's of course different for all of us, depending on each of our kids and what they need and how they seek independence. But layered on top of the reality of whatever is going on with your kid is really the story you're telling yourself about what that behavior means for you and for your relationship with them. The way you feel is driven by how you interpret the circumstances of your relationship with your kid.
And this is where we can fall into mindset traps. Because if we're not careful, if we're not conscious of how we're interpreting the circumstances of what our kids are doing, then we fall into so many different traps that essentially make us feel even worse. Now there's so many different mindset traps that could be at play when we're thinking, I miss being needed.
But a big one is all or nothing thinking. This is when we think things like, if they don't need me now, they'll never need me again. Or if they don't want my help in this moment, it must mean they'll never really need my help again in the future.
Think about how quickly our brains can go there. Your teen brushes you off when you ask about their day and suddenly you're not just dealing with that moment of rejection. You're spinning into, they never want to talk to me.
They're pulling away for good. Or we're losing our connection. Or maybe your college kid calls you for help one weekend and you feel that rush validation.
But then weeks go by without another call and your brain goes, see, they only reach out to me when they need something. They don't actually care. I don't really matter to them.
Our kids start needing us less and we focus on the empty space. It's like we erase all of the middle ground and we turn it into this black and white story. Either I'm needed completely or I'm not needed at all.
But the truth is, life is never black and white. You probably realize that your big kid does still need you. Sometimes it's only in small ways.
It could even be in ways that they won't admit. And it's almost always in ways that don't look the same as when they were little. The problem is, all or nothing thinking blinds us to the subtle ways our kids really do still need us.
When we start thinking we're not needed, our brains can also fall into the trap of confirmation bias. We start focusing on all of the evidence that this is true. We notice the closed doors and the missed texts.
We can even discount the times when they do come to us because it feels like it's mostly about money or convenience. What we really want them to come to us with is their hearts, with the problems that matter. We want to know that we're still that trusted confidant, the one that they can come to with anything.
And when you start feeling this loss of being relevant and needed in your big kid's life, you can start to feel this urge to be clingy, following your kid around, trying to get them to talk, asking them if you can spend some time together only to get rejected. So on the one hand, you feel clingy, but on the other, you feel this urge to just pull back altogether. Like, why bother if they're just going to push me away? And both feeling clingy and shutting down, both reactions feel terrible.
I remember when I was really struggling with my older son. Overnight, it felt like I had become the enemy. It wasn't just that I didn't feel needed.
I actually felt totally rejected. And I didn't feel like I was making it up. It wasn't just some story I was telling myself.
I would try to connect with him and he'd shut me down. It was like he couldn't stand being in the same room with me. Honestly, I got to the point where I feared interacting with him just because I was worried it would turn into another fight.
I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. I remember a coach at the time saying something to me that really resonated. She said, this moment right now isn't forever.
This is what your relationship with your son looks like right now. It's a season. And that perspective really stuck with me because I was so clearly falling into this all-or-nothing perspective.
That our relationship was terrible and that I was losing him. I felt like I was already grieving a relationship. And it wasn't just in that moment, it felt like forever.
And so I offer this perspective to you right now as well because whatever you're going through with your child, this moment isn't forever. You are in a season with your child. And it's likely a season where they're highly focused on themselves and what they need.
I actually just saw an Instagram post that said, the only thing harder than parenting a teen is being a teenager. And yes, in many ways it looks like they're living the life. No responsibilities, everything taken care of for them.
But at the same time, we can't even know what's going on in their minds. How much uncertainty and insecurity and doubt they're facing. My youngest is one of those kids who always seems to have it together.
There have only been one or two times in the entire time I've parented him that he's actually let me see a glimpse of the depths of how much he actually struggles. And it reminds me, there is so much going on beneath the surface of our kids' minds that we can't even fathom, that we don't appreciate, especially when they don't open up to us. And so for me, what that means is that I want to position myself as the mom who will always be there for my sons.
Not needing to be needed, but willing to be that open source of unconditional love and support for them. And as I've grown into being that version of myself, the mom I really want to be for my boys, I've noticed that they actually come to me more. And this is such a gift to regain that trust, that sense of connection with your big kid.
No matter where your kid is in their journey, I'm willing to bet that they do need you. Maybe even more than you're giving yourself or them credit for. In fact, I've worked with moms who are totally estranged from their kids, and they'll tell me stories of their interactions with them.
Sometimes we can be so focused on the ways that we're being rejected that we don't see the ways that we are truly and deeply needed. I wonder if you are also robbing yourself of that same connection with your big kid. As we explore this, I want to offer you a little food for thought.
What does being needed really mean to you? Is it just about the dinners and the talks and the requests for advice? Or is it about something deeper, like wanting validation of who you are and why you matter, of feeling that sense of purpose? How often do you find yourself putting your own life on hold for the possibility of being needed? How many Friday nights have you stayed at home, just in case? Or do you ever find yourself waiting for that phone call or for the text? And when you're disappointed by how often your kid connects with you or reaches out, what do you make it mean about you or your relationship with your kid? You might also ask yourself, what would it look like if you switched from waiting to be needed to trusting that you are needed and simply being ready when that moment comes? Can you feel the difference? One keeps you stuck in waiting and needing to be needed, and the other gives you the power to validate your own value and contribution without needing your big kid to show up in a certain way so that you can feel relevant, like you matter. And this could be even the bigger question, because if you're in this place like me and you're realizing that your big kid truly doesn't need you as often anymore, are you starting to find that even outside of your role as a mom, you're looking to feel needed? Or maybe the better word is valuable. Maybe in your other relationships or just in the purpose you experience in your life, there's so much value in recognizing this universal need to feel like we matter, but we so often look outside of ourselves to give us this feeling.
My friend, as I had this beautiful moment of realizing how much I miss being needed, it honestly pointed to this very real realization that I loved that time in my life where I felt needed. And I think that there's some beauty in recognizing the loss of that, because this is what's true for me right now. But I think the heavier aspect of this realization comes when you feel a broader desire to matter, when you realize that when your kid doesn't need you as much anymore, you feel a void.
This is what I want to invite you to pay attention to, because it could be that this desire to feel needed is calling you to evaluate where you might have the opportunity to create a new sense of self-worth and value within yourself, something that doesn't come from other people or even the things that you do, but from within yourself. Because, my friend, you do matter. You are valuable and needed.
And you don't need anyone else to prove it to you in order for you to believe that that's true. When my son came home this past weekend and he called me for help, I'm not going to lie, it felt so good to feel needed. To see that evidence that I matter still to my son and that he would call me for support.
But then he went back to school and within days he was back to not needing me. I got one call and then a text, and it seemed like he was doing okay, so I backed off. I still felt the glow of having felt that rush of validation, but I was willing to recognize that my son doesn't need me in that way all the time.
But then I came across an old picture of the two of us. We were on a merry-go-round and he was maybe two years old, sitting in my lap, looking up at the ride with his big blue eyes, taking the loud ride in. I have it up in my vanity because it's such a cute picture of us.
I'm laughing and he's looking up, confused but safe. I took a picture of the picture with my phone and I texted to my son and I wrote, I've always got your back. It took him a few hours to respond back, but when he did, he said, I love you, mom.
I needed this. My friend, even when your big kid doesn't seem to need you, even when they're pushing you away, I want to offer that they really do still need you. Maybe the visible ways they still need you feel relegated to being a maid or an ATM, but I'd like to think that no matter what, I will always be my boy's mom.
I will always have their back, even when I have no idea what they're going through or what they're struggling with. Even when they push me away or reject my help, I am willing to be that unconditional source of love and support for my boys. And the gift for me of that mindset has been seeing how much more willing they are to come to me now, because I'm not demanding it look like something specific.
I'm not needing them to validate my role in their life. I am simply here, their mom, and I will always have their backs. Your role as a mom doesn't go away when your big kid stops showing you that they need you every day.
And if you can trust that, you'll start to see how much they actually do need you, how much you truly do still matter. It's like opening the door to a new relationship, and it starts with you, my friend, knowing that you matter and that my friend is truly enough. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
