PARENTING TEENS THROUGH SCREEN TIME STRUGGLES—THE PHONE IS NOT THE ONLY PROBLEM | EP. 187
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
If you've ever looked at your teen, lost in their phone, and wondered what it's doing to their focus or their mental health, you are definitely not alone. In today's episode, I'm diving into the truth about cell phones and social media, and why setting boundaries around them feels so impossibly hard.
You'll walk away with real insight into what the data says and why the answer isn't about being more strict. I'll also share how to set boundaries from a place of clarity and not control. Let's talk about what it means to lead with intention in this digital age.
Hello, my friend. I wonder if this sounds familiar to you. Your teen spends hours on their phone.
They're lying on the couch or curled up in their room, just scrolling through TikTok or Snapchat or YouTube, totally checked out. You ask them to come to dinner or do some chore, really anything other than wasting hours on their phone, and they ignore you. You ask again, and they tell you, just a second.
But of course, a second turns into minutes and then hours. And it's the same thing every day. You can't help but feel like this cell phone has become an addiction.
And here's the thing, you're not imagining it. It really does feel like they can't stop. And honestly, it's also not just them.
You've probably also caught yourself scrolling aimlessly through social media. Any moment you have a bit of downtime, we end up filling it by opening up Instagram or Facebook. You mean to go to bed early, but you get caught up scrolling and suddenly it's midnight.
So it's really not just our kids who have fallen into this vortex of wasting endless hours on social media. I know I'm guilty of it too. As adults, we probably recognize it's a habit we might want to cut back on at times.
But for our kids, it feels even worse because we're worried about their mental health and their ability to focus on what's really important, even their ability to be present in their lives. I was at a cocktail party the other day and I was talking to a pediatrician who said she can't even get kids to look up from their phones long enough to do wellness checks. She's just trying to look in their eyes or down their throat, and all she sees is the top of their heads looking down.
It's kind of terrifying, actually, how different a world our kids are growing up in. Virtual connection is replacing real-life connection. Our kids are so much more comfortable interacting online than they are in person.
It can feel so much easier to send a text or a snap than to call someone or have a face-to-face conversation. I actually find it fascinating that my kids don't even have the cell phone numbers for many of their friends because they're so used to interacting with them over Snapchat. It's almost hard to fathom the impact of our kids spending hundreds, maybe thousands of hours relating to the world through a screen.
But it's also the world that they're growing up in, the world that they're going to have to be successful in. So how can we as parents support them in that? This summer, I read Jonathan Haidt's The Anxious Generation, and I have to be honest, it made me feel kind of sick to my stomach. Really, it was sick with guilt.
I felt like I had failed my boys in the way I had given them so much access to their phones as they were growing up. In Haidt's book, he describes what he calls the great rewiring, which is this generational shift he says started around 2010 when childhood fundamentally changed. Kids went from playing outside and interacting face-to-face, the way we all grew up, to a life dominated by screens.
In his book, Haidt spends a lot of time analyzing data trends around anxiety and depression among teens. And what he found was that starting in 2012, there was a sharp increase in the rates of anxiety, depression, and self-harm, especially among teen girls. And this increase coincided almost exactly with the rise of smartphones and social media.
Data also shows a negative impact on boys. But because of social media's tendency to fuel comparison and body image insecurities, not to mention the opportunity for cyberbullying and leaving people out, these are the areas that have impacted girls in a really big way. In contrast, boys have been much more impacted by exposure to violence and porn.
At the same time, Haidt explains in his book that over the past few decades, we as parents have gotten a lot more cautious about giving our kids real-world independence. We don't let our kids ride their bikes in the park alone anymore. They're not playing outside until dark, or even walking to a friend's house unsupervised.
It feels so much easier just to drop them off. And look, I've done this too. So I'm not sharing any of this as a judgment.
There's a part of me that feels like this was almost a pendulum swing, because we grew up with a lot of freedom. And looking back, I sometimes think maybe I shouldn't have had as much freedom as I did. So sometimes we overcorrect by wanting to prevent our kids from making those same mistakes.
We just want to protect our kids. But what Haidt describes, and this is the part that actually made me feel sick with guilt, is that while we've crapped down on our kids' independence and freedoms in many ways, we've also handed them these devices that give them unlimited access to the entire world. Essentially, we've said no to independence in the real world, while giving them almost total freedom in the digital world.
And my friend, I've done this. And if you have, you're not alone. And that's actually not to say that we've been totally ignorant about it.
I remember trying to set up all sorts of monitoring systems on my boys' computers and their phones. And for a long time, I had their cell phone passwords, just in case I needed to check in on their texts. I was doing the best I could at the time.
But now, in talking to my boys as they've gotten older, it's like I'm only just now starting to understand the full impact of them growing up with so much screen time. How it impacted their focus and contributed to their stress and insecurity. How much it shaped their relationships over time.
And actually, one of the biggest impacts both of my boys have acknowledged is how addictive social media is. These apps are actually designed to be addictive. In fact, tech companies have poured billions of dollars into figuring out how to keep users engaged for as long as possible.
So they're designed to keep you scrolling. You actually get a dopamine hit from likes and notifications. And the algorithm feeds you content that you like, so it also keeps you scrolling, keeps you online.
So our kids are exposed to all of this concentrated dopamine. And then we wonder why we can't get them off their phones. So often when we're in these power struggles with our kids, it's easy to think that they're just being lazy or disrespectful when they ignore us about getting off their phones.
We get frustrated and take their behavior personally. But what if we stop to consider that they're using devices and apps that are engineered to override their self-control? Maybe it's worth considering that we shouldn't be blaming our kids for not being strong enough to overcome that. Here's the issue we're facing as parents.
Our kids do actually need to learn how to operate successfully in this digital world. AI is going to transform the way the world works. It's already happening.
And our kids are actually probably in a better position to understand what that means and how to leverage that into creating opportunities than we do. But at the same time, I'd like to think that they will also always need to know how to operate successfully in the real world as well. So they need to have the skills to operate online as well as being able to engage with real people face to face.
We want our kids to be able to develop emotional resilience and self-awareness and confidence. And the question is, do they get that from spending hours scrolling on their phones? In his book, he talks about the power of independent play. He says when kids play with their friends, or even on their own, without constant structure and supervision, they build creativity and problem-solving skills, and they build social competence.
It's really through independent play that our kids learn how to win and lose and negotiate through conflict, and even how to solve for boredom without just picking up their phone. Heid explains that independent play gives kids the space to figure out who they are without being watched and judged or worrying about being liked on a screen. But meanwhile, so much of this play has been replaced by scheduled activities or just time on their phones.
Now, if you're listening to all of this and feeling this pit in your stomach like I do, like here's one more part of parenting I've messed up, please hear me when I say I'm right there with you. I hear all of this and I feel this pit in my stomach like I wish I had known. I wish I had done it differently.
I think a lot of us are feeling this way right now. In fact, there's a big movement to ban cell phones in schools because they're saying they want schools to be one place where kids can be free of the influence of screens. I think there's a lot of value to be had from these conversations and talking about what we might do differently going forward.
But at the same time, I don't want this episode to be one more reason to beat yourself up for your past decisions in parenting. All we can ever do is make decisions now and in the future. But even as I sit here, not really being in a position to change how much my kids interact with their phones or social media now that they're 18 and 20, but in reading Haidt's book, as much as I see the real dangers he's talking about, I also strongly believe that this digital world isn't going away.
Our kids are going to have to learn how to engage in it in a productive and healthy way. And this means building a different kind of resilience. What they're learning now is how to deal with online comparison and filtering through an infinite amount of data and information.
They're being faced with viewpoints that are drastically conflicting, and they have to sort through all of that. Our kids' world is so much bigger than ours was growing up, and that's not going to change. So shielding them entirely from the online world isn't a solution either.
In fact, despite whatever mistakes I made limiting my boys' cell phone use as they were growing up or not limiting it enough, what I also saw is that both of them over time learned to set limits for themselves. My oldest would put his cell phone outside of his room because he didn't want to be tempted to go online or get bothered by texts from friends after a certain hour. And both of my boys regularly go through phases where they delete social media off their phones.
They themselves have realized that the phones were becoming an addiction. And they also started realizing as they grew up there was so much they wanted to do and achieve, and the phones just weren't helping them achieve those goals. I can't take credit for any of this growth.
But it strikes me that this is the digital version of our kids building resilience. Learning how to self-regulate and navigate the digital world and their relationships online. How to recognize when something's pulling them away from who they want to be and then set a boundary for themselves.
As different as that is from the way we grew up, this is the world they're living in. And maybe we haven't failed our kids entirely by giving them some independence here. All that said, if your teen is still under your roof, you've likely already heard about the impact of screen time and social media.
And you're probably also trying to find solutions and ways of setting boundaries for your kids around that. In fact, in my last masterclass on setting boundaries, it's the question that came up the most. How do I set boundaries around screen time? The problem is that it's hard.
We're navigating uncharted territory and it's not really clear what the right answer is. On the one hand, if we're honest, our kids having their phones makes our life easier. We can track them and we can reach them anytime.
And they can reach us. Although hate recommends delaying access to cell phones until our kids are 16, that's a big ask when many of our kids are already starting to demand a cell phone in fifth grade or earlier. Because once their friends start getting their phones, it's really easy for them to feel left out.
And let's be honest, we're already dealing with power struggles over homework and chores. So setting boundaries around screen time becomes yet one more fight. And it's exhausting.
Even when my kids were really little, handing them an iPad in the afternoon or when we were out to dinner and waiting to get served, having the boys occupied and quiet during that time gave me a break too. So setting boundaries around these devices is really hard. And it's not because we don't see the benefits.
But the truth is, we struggle with our own thoughts about what setting that boundary might mean. One thought we might have is, I don't want to be the only parent who says no. We know our kid doesn't need TikTok or Snapchat to survive.
But when everyone else has it, it feels like not giving our kids access to phones or taking away access to social media would make them an outsider. And we really don't want our kids to have to feel left out. We might also be thinking, I don't have the energy to fight this right now.
You ask them to put away their phone and they roll their eyes or push back. It just feels easier to give in and let go. There's also the very real consideration that we want our kids to have phones for their own safety.
And it feels safer for us too to know where they are at all times. My husband and I traveled last year for about 10 days, and it was the longest trip we'd ever taken since the boys were born. My son had just turned 17, but my mom was kind enough to stay with him so he wouldn't be alone.
I gave her access to track him. And keep in mind that our moms didn't have access to this type of technology when we were growing up. And she absolutely loved knowing where my son was at all times.
I mean, it's almost inconceivable to us now as parents that we wouldn't know where our kids are at all times. And it's honestly also convenient. If we're running late or if our plans change, all you have to do is text.
So there are a lot of practical reasons we actually want our kids to have phones. But when it comes to setting limits on how they use their phones, that's where we often get into trouble. And the biggest challenge, if we're really honest, is the thought, if I set this limit, they're going to be mad at me.
And this can actually feel hard to admit, because it almost sounds like somehow we're people-pleasing or giving up on our responsibility just because we want our kids to like us. But I think it's actually more than this. The truth is we want to feel connected to our kids.
But at this time in parenting, as our kids grow up and pull away, those connections can feel harder to make. And on top of that, somewhere along the way, I think we started to confuse boundary setting with conflict. And there's actually a real impact to that.
Because when we think setting a boundary is going to inevitably start a fight, we avoid it. On the surface, it might seem like setting a boundary requires you to be in a position of power or control. We assume that setting boundaries is all about making our kids change.
So we focus on rules and consequences. Our mindset becomes, my job is to get them to stop doing this thing. And so you measure your success by whether or not your kid complies.
And the minute they push back and don't immediately do what you say, it feels like the only option is to escalate, essentially to exert more control. And if you've ever been stuck in this dynamic, and it feels like almost all of us have at one point or another with our teen over cell phones or anything else, it's exhausting and frustrating. But what if a boundary isn't about control at all? What if it's actually about ownership? And not ownership of your teen's behavior, but ownership of your own.
Because the truth is, you can't control your kid's behavior. Full stop. When they were little, you might have felt like you had control.
But that's only because for the most part, our little kids listen to us. They did what we said. But once they hit middle school, they don't, or not all the time.
They have their own opinions about what they want and what they're going to do. And the truth is, we have no control over how they think or how they feel, and definitely not over how they act. So when we think we do, this is why we struggle.
It's why parenting teens feels like it's a constant power struggle, because we're always trying to win, to get our way. And so are our teens. But at the same time, your way isn't wrong.
In fact, your way is probably the safest, probably also the smartest, and the most well thought out. It's potentially also the easiest and most convenient for you. The course of action that's actually going to make you feel the best.
I joke with my clients all the time that if we could just get all the people to do exactly what we want them to do all the time, we'd all be much happier and much less anxious and frustrated. But that's just not going to happen. So now what? When I talk about ownership over your behavior, I mean you taking responsibility for how you show up.
And a big part of that is getting really clear on what you want and where you have the power to follow through, regardless of how your teen responds. So often we set boundaries that we can't even enforce. Like how many times have you said, no phones after 9pm, but the phone is still in their room.
And unless you're taking that phone away from them at 9pm, how do you really know that they're not using it? Or you tell your kid, you can't be on your phone while you're doing your homework. But then they say they need it for school, or they have to listen to music while they're doing their homework. And so how can you really enforce how they're actually using that phone as they're doing their schoolwork? Or here's the classic one.
You threaten the consequence of taking away a phone for the week. But then they do that thing you told them not to do, and you take away the phone. But then you really don't want to have to deal with coordinating after school stuff without being able to call them.
And before you know it, you're giving the phone back. Look, none of this means that you're a bad parent. It simply points to the reality that setting boundaries around cell phones is hard.
And we often create consequences that don't even fit the reality of our lives. But even more to the point, we often set boundaries focused on control. We're trying to get our kids to stop doing something we don't like.
And so the boundary becomes all about changing their behavior. But the truth is, when a boundary is rooted in control, it always devolves into a power struggle. But when you set boundaries focused on what you want and what you can control, this is actually when you get your power back.
Because it stops being about winning and instead becomes about showing up with consistency and intention. My friend, the data that hate shares in his book is a lot. It's hard not to feel the guilt of it.
There are probably very few of us who haven't given our kids more screen time than we'd like to admit. And believe me, I am right there with you. But also, we're always doing our best with the information we have.
And I'd like to give us some grace because at the end of the day, no matter what we do, our kids are the ones who are going to have to navigate this new digital world. It's not going anywhere. They're going to have to learn how to navigate social media and manage constant distractions and deal with comparison and setting their own limits.
Ultimately, they're going to have to build the kind of digital self-awareness and resilience that helps them thrive in this world. So maybe our job isn't to control that learning. If you have a kid still at home, you can offer structure and boundaries that reflect your values.
There is truly no one right way to do this. And the truth is we're all figuring this out as we go. But setting boundaries with screen time is no different than setting any other boundary.
It's about learning how to approach boundaries as a process, not a one-time rule or a punishment and definitely not a test of whether your teen will listen. It's a process of getting clear on what's happening, identifying what you want to be different and choosing how you're going to show up regardless of how your teen responds. In fact, this is the exact process I'm going to be walking through in my upcoming masterclass on setting boundaries.
We're going to talk about what's holding you back from setting powerful boundaries focused on what you can actually control. There's a link to sign up in the show notes. My friend, setting boundaries isn't actually about controlling your teen.
It's about shifting from being reactive to stepping into intention. Look, there is no perfect rule, and I am not here to give you a lesson in parenting. The work I do with my clients is empowering you to show up as the parent you want to be.
You don't need to control your teen to have influence in their life. And sometimes boundaries do create conflict, but that doesn't have to eliminate your connection. What might it look like for you to not need to know all of the answers before starting to lead with intention? You just need a way to stop and choose how you want to show up right now on purpose.
My friend, I know that setting boundaries around screen time is hard, but just consider that when you really step into your own intention and focus on where you have control, this is when everything changes. You have more power than you think you do. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
