THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—MY TEEN WALKS ALL OVER ME | EP. 186
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from.
Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
My teen walks all over me. Have you ever had that thought? I want to share a story that might sound familiar. For a really long time, a mom and her daughter had what she would have described as an amazing relationship.
They used to laugh together in the car and grab ice cream after school. They'd talk about everything from friends to their favorite TV show. This mom remembers thinking, I'm so lucky.
My daughter actually wants to hang out with me. But then something changed. Now, when this mom and her daughter are in the car, they don't talk.
Her daughter gets in the car, gives one-word answers, and when the mom does try to ask her about her day, the daughter inevitably just pulls out her phone or puts in her AirPods and just ignores her mom for the rest of the ride. At home, they don't spend time together. Her daughter's always locked up in her room.
And when this mom asks her daughter to do something, anything, it always ends up in a power struggle. Take curfews, for example. When they talked about it, her daughter agreed, at least in theory, that midnight was a reasonable curfew.
But then she goes out, and midnight comes and goes, and there's no text. Of course, the mom can see where her daughter is. And it's actually even more infuriating when she doesn't respond to the text, because she sees that her daughter isn't answering and isn't moving.
So the mom texts, then she waits, and then a half-hour later she calls, and still nothing. Then finally, her daughter walks in, close to 1 a.m., as if nothing has gone wrong. No apology, no sign of remorse.
So needless to say, this mom is beside herself. Are you kidding me? We agreed on a curfew, and you totally ignore the rule and don't even have the courtesy to respond to my texts and my calls. Then unbelievably, her daughter just blows her off.
Relax, mom. It's no big deal. Everybody stays out this late.
Needless to say, the conversation turned into a big fight, where somehow the daughter made this mom feel like she was being the unreasonable one. Does that ever happen to you? Or maybe this example will resonate with you. You try to ask your teen to help out with one or two simple household chores.
Take the example of a mom who asks her son to take out the trash before the truck comes in the morning. He agrees to do it, but then more often than not, he forgets. So even though the mom has delegated the job, it still feels like it's her job to remind her son.
She reminds him once, and he doesn't do it. Later that night, she reminds him again. And every time, he's increasingly annoyed that she's reminding him.
But he also doesn't seem to have any urgency about getting the thing done. It's always, I'll get to it, mom. So by the third or fourth reminder, this mom's raising her voice.
Why do I have to keep asking you to do this one simple thing? And his response is something like, why are you always on my case? These moments with our kids are beyond frustrating. You think back to a time when your kid used to listen to you, even when they seemed to want to hang out with you. And now, somehow that feels totally lost.
And you're left with this person who just seems to think that whatever you're doing, it's annoying. But meanwhile, it's no walk in the park for you either. You're up late, waiting for those texts, waiting for some sign that your kid's on their way home.
And you can't fall asleep because your mind is worrying about whether you should text again or call, wondering why they're not responding. And to be honest, now that you're up, you also don't feel comfortable going back to bed until you know they're home safe. So the next morning, you drag yourself out of bed, exhausted, only to find your kid's stuff scattered all over the place, shoes kicked off in the middle of the floor, half-empty soda can on the counter, and the backpack dumped in the hallway.
You feel like the chauffeur, the maid, the cook, the help. And you're not even asking for much in return. What you're looking for is a little respect.
Ideally, a little connection and love back. But most days, you'd settle for respect. You try to set boundaries, but it's like nothing changes.
You're exhausted and frustrated. And underneath all of that frustration, there's a part of you thinking, if my own kid can walk all over me, what does that say about me as a mom? And here, my friend, comes the shame. Because when you think my teen walks all over me, what you're really talking about isn't just their behavior.
It's not only that they ignored the curfew or rolled their eyes when you asked them about the trash. The real issue is the story you're telling yourself about what those moments mean. Yes, your kid broke a rule or totally ignored your request.
That's the truth of the situation. But what you might be thinking about those facts is much more layered. It's not just that they don't listen.
It's, I don't matter to them anymore. It's not just that they broke the curfew. It's, I've lost control in my own home.
And it's not just that they roll their eyes. It's that they don't respect me at all anymore. Behavior itself is one thing, but the meaning you attach to it is something so much bigger.
Something that fuels the way you feel about every interaction you have with your big kid. Just think about the imagery of your kid walking all over you. It's like you're the doormat by the front door, something they wipe their shoes on.
You're there doing all the things to support them. And yet you're treated like you don't matter. Someone they need something from, but don't really see or care about.
And it's not like this happens just one time. It's the repeated behavior that really gets to you. It's like every time they ignore you or roll their eyes, it feels like one more step across your back.
And here's actually the part that hurts the most. This isn't some stranger treating you this way. This is your child, the person you have literally done everything for in your life, who you've already sacrificed so much for.
And this also used to be the child who used to crave your attention and affection. It's like the contrast is almost hard to fathom. Like, how did we get here? How did I become the enemy or the one person in your life who doesn't seem to matter to you at all? My kid walks all over me.
It hurts. This thought makes you feel invisible. You wonder how you got to this place where you have absolutely no influence over your child or even just a little of their respect.
But if you're honest, there's also this fear that it's not going to get any better. It's not even just about today's power struggle, but the fear that you're losing them all together, or even that you're the one who's responsible for creating this disrespectful human, and that they're going to go out into the world and treat other people this way. So it's fear and shame and failure on top of hurt and loss, missing the connection you used to feel with someone you love more than anything.
What I've seen time after time with my clients is really that this is a story about powerlessness. You feel like you have no power, but also it's confusing because you're not looking for control or power. And you definitely don't love it when your kid accuses you of being controlling.
It's like, it's not about control. I'm just looking for a little respect. But what I'd like to suggest is that maybe what you're looking for isn't control, but instead power back over your own emotional well-being, and maybe also the ability to navigate your own reactions and responses.
The truth is, we respond to our emotions. And so let's look at the emotions driving our reactions in these situations with our kids. If we're really being honest, the way we think about our kids' behavior often creates resentment for us.
It's that voice in our head saying, I do so much for you, and you take it all for granted. You can actually feel used. I mean, you feel it every time you make dinner and they say nothing.
Or you rearrange your schedule and drive them somewhere to pick them up at the last minute, and they act like it's your job. It's like, why am I doing this? Here I am still giving this relationship my all, and I get nothing back. You also feel hurt.
You feel like, if I mattered to you, you wouldn't treat me this way. When you care about someone, do you really just ignore them? Is that phone that you're holding in your hand really so interesting? You can also feel fear, because you worry that if they don't respect me now, what kind of person are they becoming? What if they treat their boss or their partner or friends this way? You worry that you've failed to raise your kid into someone who knows how to be kind and responsible. And underneath all of these emotions is a lot of self-doubt, because you have all this uncertainty about how you should be approaching this relationship and your parenting choices, especially when your kid acts this way.
Like, what did I do wrong to create this dynamic with my kid? What should I do differently? You feel like you try everything and nothing changes. But if we're really being honest with ourselves, what you often try looks like reacting to your emotions, threatening consequences, lecturing and nagging. None of it is effective.
And truly, it all just feels terrible. Resentment, hurt, fear, self-doubt. It's not just one emotion.
It's a heavy mix of different conflicting and painful emotions. And so is it any wonder that we react the way that we do? You either blow up and try to get your kid to listen, and it often feels like the only way to do this is to threaten to take away the one thing they seem to care about, which is their phones. So you either err on the side of threatening consequences and continuing these power struggles, or you just give up and pull away.
But then when you give up, you really feel like they're walking all over you, and you're just letting them. None of these responses actually get you what you want, which is respect, connection, and some sense of peace in your life. And so it's probably no surprise that the solution is setting boundaries.
The problem is that when you feel powerless and you're reacting to emotions like hurt and resentment, the boundaries you try to set often look like attempts at control. But real boundaries actually aren't about forcing your teen to behave. They're about reclaiming power over how you show up, no matter how your big kid acts.
So I want to acknowledge the concept of boundaries isn't straightforward. We tend to think of boundaries as rules and consequences, but that's actually not at all what a true boundary is. A boundary isn't about controlling someone else's behavior.
It's about deciding very clearly how you want to show up in response to someone else's behavior. And when we don't think about boundaries this way, that's when we get stuck responding in ways that don't work. We either try to force obedience by nagging, lecturing, and threatening consequences, ultimately trying to make our big kid change so we can feel better, or we swing the other way and just give up completely, avoiding conflict, pulling back and telling ourselves, if I can't get them to change, then why bother? Both of these reactions come from the sense of powerlessness and the assumption that the only way to regain a sense of empowerment is to get your kid to change.
So at this point, you might be thinking, isn't that the whole point of boundaries? To get my kid to change? And I get it. Most of us were taught to think about boundaries as rules designed to shape behavior. But here's the key distinction.
If your boundary only works when your teen listens or obeys, then what you've created isn't really a boundary. It's a demand. And when they don't follow it, you're left right back in that place of frustration and powerlessness.
A true boundary isn't about making another person change. It's about clarifying how you'll respond even when they don't. It's the difference between thinking, I need them to respect this rule so I can feel respected versus this is how I'm going to show up and follow through no matter what choice they make.
This is literally the difference between total powerlessness and reclaiming both your power and your ability to stay calm in the face of what we can all legitimately agree are some frustrating behaviors. Imagine feeling a sense of empowerment and peace that doesn't depend on whether your teen does exactly what you want them to do all of the time. Because you know that them doing what you want all the time is just not likely to happen.
But imagine instead being able to create your own sense of peace, knowing exactly how you'll respond no matter what. This is what I mean when I talk about showing up with intention. Now your emotions, the resentment, hurt, and feelings of powerlessness cause you to react, and often in ways that aren't effective.
In other words, you respond without clear intention, almost with a knee-jerk reaction, like a reflex that often feels uncontrollable. I mean, we often know that our intention is to be patient and not blow up again. But then we find ourselves doing it again, and it's frustrating.
And to be honest, it just layers more guilt and shame to this whole business of dealing with our kids' behavior, because we feel out of control of ourselves too. But what I want to offer is that before you feel any of these emotions, you have a thought creating those emotions. And those thoughts are often driven by what I call mindset traps.
A mindset trap is really just a thought error, your brain's shortcut to try to make sense of what's happening in your life. These traps aren't intentional. They're actually your brain's way of protecting you, conserving energy, and searching for certainty in situations that feel uncertain or threatening.
The problem is these mental shortcuts often make you draw conclusions that feel really true, but aren't the story. And when you react to these partial truths, and to your mind's automatic interpretations of what's happening, you can often find yourself stuck in these cycles that don't help you improve the situation. So let's look at some of the mindset traps that can be at play when you're thinking, my team walks all over me.
One is the trap of emotional outsourcing. It's basically the belief that your peace of mind depends on whether or not your team does what you think they should do. Another way to think of this is that you become a victim of your circumstances.
When your big kid does what you ask, you feel okay. But when they ignore you or push back, you feel terrible. It's like your emotional well-being is being outsourced to your kids' reactions, really dependent on someone who, let's be honest, isn't exactly emotionally stable themselves.
Your big kid's brain is still developing, especially the part responsible for regulating emotions. So while they might look like an adult on the outside, on the inside, they're still learning how to manage big feelings, and the push and pull of wanting independence while still needing you. They do roll their eyes and push back.
But it's not because they have carefully thought it through and decided, I'm going to go disrespect my mom right now. More often than not, it's because they don't have the maturity or the skills to handle the discomfort of being told no, or needing to live up to somebody else's expectations. On top of that, our kids have a natural instinct to want to try to separate from us.
Their job right now is to test limits and to try to find independence. And so that often looks like them needing to push against authority. It is totally messy and painful, but it's also developmentally normal.
So when we outsource our emotional well-being to our kids, who are still figuring themselves out, we're essentially handing over the car keys to someone who doesn't yet know how to drive. It is just not going to go well. In light of all of this, it's really interesting to consider another trap we often fall into as moms, and that's the trap of personalization.
Essentially making your kids' bad behavior mean something about you. Instead of seeing their behavior as part of their growth and evolution, we often interpret it as a reflection of our own worth or effectiveness as moms. We can even go to the place where we take it as a sign that our relationship is broken.
And notice how these traps don't give you the space to be intentional, because they keep you stuck in needing to change your big kid so that you can feel better. My friend, if you've ever had this thought, that my teen walks all over me, just consider that this is less about their behavior and more about the meaning you're attaching to it. And if that's true, then the real work isn't in fixing your teen, it's in getting curious about yourself.
So just consider, what are you thinking about your teen's behavior that's creating your frustration, resentment, hurt, or fear? The answer to this question is truly the first step in reclaiming your power, because once you see the thought that's fueling your emotions, you open up the space to decide, is this the story I want to keep believing, or do I want to create a different way of showing up with my big kid? This is exactly what we're going to be diving into in my next free masterclass, Setting Boundaries with Your Teen and Yourself. If you've ever felt like boundaries were confusing, or like nothing you try actually works, you don't want to miss this class. We're going to take a fresh look at what boundaries really are, why they matter, and how to start approaching them in a way that feels clear and effective.
There's a link in the show notes where you can sign up, and I would love to see you there. My friend, I know how heavy it feels when you think your kid is walking all over you. It can feel like you've lost your influence, the respect you think you deserve, and maybe even the closeness you once had with someone you love so much.
And what I want you to hear is this, you are not powerless. The power you're searching for isn't in getting your teen to listen, or suddenly to treat you the way you wish they would. Your true power is in how you decide to show up, no matter how they act.
And that version of you, the mom who knows what she wants, and who sets boundaries from a place of calm confidence, that version of you is already inside of you. She's just buried under layers of frustration, hurt, fear, and doubt. You don't have to wait for your teen to change for you to step back into your own strength.
You can start today by simply noticing the story you're telling yourself and asking, is this helping me show up the way that I want to? Because who you want to be as a mom is already inside of you, and I promise you have more power than you think. Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
