THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—”I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL.” | EP. 184
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had a thought as a mom and then immediately felt terrible for thinking it? Believe me, you're not alone, and you're truly not a bad mom for thinking it. In this series on the thoughts us moms are ashamed we think, I'm exploring these thoughts and where they're coming from. Because when you shift from judgment to understanding, that's when everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
"I should be grateful." I noticed this thought pop into my head as I was journaling this morning. Actually, every morning, I start the day by putting all of the thoughts in my head on paper.
I get it all down, and I apply the process I teach with my clients. Getting curious about what's going on in my mind to see how I'm fueling my emotional experience, for better or for worse. And I also look at how that's causing me to show up in my life.
So I started my journaling on a high note, writing about how well my son is doing at school. I've actually been worried because this school wasn't his top choice, and so he's been pretty clear that while he was determined to make the most of it, it also seemed to me like he was disappointed ahead of time. I worried that with an expectation that he wasn't going to love it, that he would in fact not love it.
There were a few hiccups right when we got to his school at that time of college drop-off, and I could see my head spinning, like, oh boy, this is all we need. So I've been home now as I record this episode for a little over a week, and after drop-off, we hadn't heard very much from my son. But yesterday, he called my husband and he told him how excited he was about his classes and how he's made friends and was getting involved in rugby, of all things.
Here I was relieved he'd given up wrestling. But anyway, I'm writing all of this down in my journal, and I'm so happy for my son and relieved he's doing well. I also got to see my older son this past weekend, and he's doing well too.
We spent time getting his room put together, and he seems to be more motivated than ever to apply himself and find an internship next summer. He's also had a bit of a rocky journey finding a major and classes he likes, but he's also making his way. My boy's lives are challenging and not easy, but they're figuring it out, and I feel so incredibly grateful for that.
As I was journaling, I felt compelled as I was thinking about how grateful I was for my boys to make a list of all of the other things I'm grateful for, because there really is so much in my life for which I'm incredibly grateful. But even as I wrote this list, I felt this big but coming on. It was almost like I had to remind myself to be grateful, as if gratitude was something I needed to perform in order to feel okay about where I am in my life.
And look, I truly am grateful about so many people and aspects about my life. But alongside that gratitude, I'm also feeling a lot of other emotions. Sadness, worry, disappointment, a lot of overwhelm.
I actually think the thought that keeps coming up for me again and again is I'm not taking the time to enjoy my life. I love the work I get to do. Coaching is meaningful and fulfilling to me.
But at the same time, I notice how easy it is for me to get swept up in the endless list of things I have to do, both in my business and in my life. There's always more to get done, more ways I could be showing up. And when I'm caught in that cycle, I can forget to pause and simply give myself permission to rest, to breathe, and just be in my life.
So this thought came up for me that I should be taking time to appreciate my life more. Maybe also that I should be happy. And with this thought, I felt some shame.
Because isn't it my fault that I'm not taking that time? Not feeling grateful enough or spending enough time just enjoying and being with the people I love? Not giving myself permission to just stop and enjoy all of the beauty of my life? I hear similar thoughts from my clients all the time. We tell ourselves, I should be happy. My kid's doing so well in college.
I should be happy. We're all healthy. I should be content.
I really have nothing to complain about. But if we're really honest with ourselves, as much as we are happy and proud and grateful, we have other feelings too. It's that 50-50 of life I talk about all the time.
50% positive emotions and 50% not-so-great emotions. The problem is that the minute we add on the thought, I should be more grateful or I shouldn't be complaining, it's like we discount those negative feelings we're feeling and essentially tell ourselves that we don't have a right to feel them, truly as if we're wrong for feeling them. And this judgment and resistance actually just layers guilt and shame on top of those negative emotions because we're judging ourselves for not feeling the right way.
I've had clients who layer this guilt on themselves because they're financially secure, for example. They've gotten to a place in life where they have the resources to do what they want to do in life. They don't even have to work.
And so it's like they can take on this self-judgment as if because I'm financially successful and independent and that my kids are thriving out there in the world, that I should be happier. It's almost like you can feel like you're failing, like how is it that I have everything I should want and yet I'm not where I want to be? I've had clients say to me, I should be grateful I don't have to work. I should just be enjoying the freedom I have.
They recognize that other women would kill for the life that they have. And so there must be something wrong with me if that doesn't feel like enough. So instead of getting curious about our desire for more, we can use that I should be grateful as a reason to shame ourselves for wanting anything different.
I've had other clients tell me that they're in a marriage where their partner provides for them financially and is a good dad, and yet they're not satisfied. There are women who have worked really hard to build businesses and careers and they get to this point where they feel like they should be proud of everything they've accomplished. And they are, but they're not as fulfilled as they feel like they should be.
We tell ourselves, I should be grateful everyone in my life is healthy. I should be grateful for my friends. And this is where we get stuck.
Because we are grateful. We do feel happy in our lives. Sometimes.
But when we tell ourselves, I should be happy or I should be grateful, we turn happiness into a kind of measuring stick. Suddenly happiness isn't just a feeling we sometimes experience. It becomes a standard we judge ourselves and our lives against.
And this is where it turns into a trap. Think about it. Underneath I should be happy is this unspoken rule.
If I'm not happy, something must be wrong with me or wrong with my life. Or maybe I'm not doing life right. I'm not appreciating enough.
Or I'm failing at being the grateful and joyful mom I'm supposed to be. Let's be honest. This thought I should be more grateful feels so true.
I mean, the reality is we've been conditioned to believe it. Throughout our lives, our friends and our families always remind us to be grateful. Count your blessings.
We're constantly being told to look on the bright side. It's like gratitude gets positioned as the solution for any difficult emotion. I think there's also a lot of implied gratitude shaming involved in motherhood.
It feels like motherhood is a privilege. Having kids isn't something that every woman gets to experience. And so it's almost like we set motherhood up on a pedestal.
That it should fulfill you in every way. And if you have kids, especially if they're doing okay, that you really should be grateful. And then of course there's social media, all that curated happiness, which our brains kind of tell us is real.
That this is the way other people experience their lives. That they're not possibly facing the same heartache and stress and overwhelming challenges that we are in our lives. I would even say that there's an aspect of self-development work that could send the message that you really should be choosing happier thoughts.
So many books and podcasts and Instagram posts preach things like, focus on the positive. Write 10 things you're grateful for every day. And while the intention of these messages is good, the hidden implication is that if you're not happy, you're doing something wrong.
That somehow you're not trying hard enough or you haven't mastered the right mindset. What this creates is that instead of learning how to process your sadness or grief or anxiety, you start judging those emotions as another reason you're failing. But consider this, what if emotions are simply signals? Really responses to the way that you're thinking about your life.
And when you really start to understand what you're thinking, when you're truly honest with yourself, almost always your emotions make perfect sense. Grief isn't a failure. It's a reflection of love and loss.
Anxiety is also not a personal failure. It's your brain doing what it was designed to do, to look out into the world and look for danger in an effort to keep you safe. Emotions aren't problems.
They are just a part of the human experience, the way our minds and bodies were designed to experience our lives. But when you add these shoulds to your emotional experience, you're essentially telling yourself you're wrong or you're broken for feeling the way that you do. And the impact of that is that instead of moving through the painful emotion, you resist it.
You push it down or you distract yourself or you pretend that you're fine. And when you do that, the emotion actually doesn't go away. It just festers under the surface.
In fact, it usually just builds up over time. Anytime I hear the word should, in my own mind or coming out of anyone else's mouth, the first thing that comes to my mind is judgment. The problem is we think these thoughts are helpful.
They sound like they're encouraging us to do better, to be more mindful or stay focused on what matters. But what those thoughts are really saying is the way you're feeling right now isn't good enough. Instead of inspiring you to feel better, they actually just put more pressure on you.
So now you're not only experiencing the original painful emotion, you're also feeling shame or guilt for even having that emotion. And then you feel pressure to feel better. All that shame and pressure also keeps you from being open to understanding what your mind is telling you about what you really want or what you really need.
It's so interesting how in life we can approach happiness as a standard we measure ourselves against. It's not just an emotion you feel. It's like a measuring stick that tells you whether you're doing life right.
I mean, here I am journaling this morning, thinking about everything that's good in my life. And I'm also seeing areas where I'm missing out on joy and it feels like I should be doing something different. I can sense this unconscious judgment telling me I need to make some changes.
In a past episode on the mindset traps of the empty nest, I covered the should trap. And it's really the belief that there's a right way to think, feel and act. And that if you're not meeting this invisible standard, you're doing something wrong.
And again, these should thoughts sound helpful, maybe even motivational, but they're really just judgments in disguise. Instead of letting you experience your emotions as they are, they turn every minute into a test of whether you're measuring up. So you layer on guilt and shame and pressure on top of whatever you're already feeling.
So then it becomes almost impossible to trust yourself or feel like you're ever doing enough or doing okay. The should trap can also be interwoven with so many other traps, like when you fall into the trap of personalization. And this trap isn't just about taking things personally.
It's really more generally about blaming yourself or making the assumption that there's something wrong with you. So when you tell yourself you should be more grateful, you're also just saying to yourself, there's something wrong with you that you're not more grateful. And we can do this in so many ways, not just in the way we should ourselves, but in the way we judge ourselves.
Like, if I was a better mom, I'd be enjoying this stage of parenting more. Or if I was stronger, I wouldn't feel so anxious. It's as if our emotions become evidence of our own personal failing.
The should trap also relates to perfectionism. You essentially set up this impossible standard for yourself. Not only are you supposed to be happy, but you're supposed to be happy in the right way.
Grateful, patient, present, loving. Happiness becomes the standard that can feel impossible to reach. The other trap we can fall into, particularly in this emotional stage of life, is that we can't help wondering, if I'm not happy now, will I ever be? We catastrophize because we're not quite sure how to break free of our happiness now.
We fear that we might never break free of it. You can feel like, what if this is as good as it gets? What if I'll never be happy again? Notice how all these traps layer on top of each other to feel really heavy. It's like you've got this group of inner critics in your mind, all telling you, whatever you're feeling right now, it's not right.
It's not enough. You're not enough. That's why these traps are so exhausting.
Because you start with normal emotions like sadness or worry, or even overwhelm. But then you layer on top of that the guilt for not being happy or grateful enough. And the fear that you're never going to get to a place where this feels easier.
But here's what's fascinating. Thoughts like, I should be more grateful or I should be happier. They're not another sign that you're doing something wrong.
They're truly a natural result of how our brains are wired. The brain's natural instinct is to help us avoid pain, seek pleasure, and conserve energy. So it actually makes perfect sense from your default brain's perspective that if you could just feel happy all the time, you would never have to experience a painful emotion.
These shoulds are actually a way your brain is trying to protect you from pain. And of course, if our brain's natural instinct is to seek pleasure, of course, happiness and gratitude is the goal, right? And thinking in black and white, in binary ways, that I'm either happy or I'm not, it's just our brain's way of being efficient. The truth is, processing complex and layered emotions does require a bit more mental heavy lifting.
So it's actually easier for our brain to just default to these all-or-nothing ways of thinking. The problem is that while this mental wiring helped our ancestors survive back in the day, in modern life, it just backfires. Because your brain isn't actually protecting you, it's trapping you.
It's keeping you stuck. Because the solution it offers, that you should be grateful, it doesn't make the sadness or the overwhelm go away. It just adds on pressure and judgment on top of all those emotions, which clearly only make you feel worse.
This morning, what I noticed as I was journaling was that even now, my brain's default way of thinking is to judge my experience and think that I'm somehow doing life wrong. Even though in so many ways, I'm intentionally choosing how I want to live in my life. I'm clear about how I want to show up and what I want to accomplish.
In fact, I started this week with an intention for who I wanted to be. And my first thought, my default thought, was I want to be motivated and determined and get everything done. But then I tapped into this deeper self-awareness and I decided, actually, what I really want this week is to be kind to myself.
That's the balance I'm learning. Building a life that makes space for both the challenge of going after big goals and the ease of simply enjoying what I've already created. For you, being kind to yourself might look like offering yourself grace and compassion for the sadness or the anxiety you feel instead of shaming yourself for having those emotions.
Because the truth is our hearts and minds can actually hold an infinite mix of emotions all at the same time. That bittersweet nature of life isn't just about the empty nest. It's truly about life itself.
You love and you also have to let go. You strive and you inevitably face disappointment. You want connection and sometimes that doesn't happen the way that you want.
I once heard someone say if you want a big, full life, the highs and the joy and the beauty of life, you have to be willing to feel the other side of the spectrum too. Because if you're going to love deeply, you are going to feel loss. If you're going to go after big goals, you're going to fail.
So the question is, are you willing to feel all of it? Because staying small and safe doesn't actually protect you from the discomfort. It just leaves you stuck in a different kind of pain. No matter what, life is 50-50.
So ask yourself, do I want my 50-50 to be small and safe or big and meaningful? There is no right answer. You get to choose. For me, I know I want the big version.
I want the joy and the growth and the connection. And I also accept that fear and stress and even overwhelm come with that package. It's the cost of pursuing big dreams.
And yes, there are days when I hear that little voice in my head saying I should be more grateful. I should be enjoying my life more. But instead of letting that thought drag me into shame, I try to see it as a signal, really a reminder or an invitation to pause and breathe and get curious.
What am I creating in my life right now? Where am I maybe overlooking the chance to stop and be present and experience the joy that truly exists in my life right this minute? It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's not a choice between chasing my goals and giving up on my dreams. There's always a middle ground.
And for me, some days that looks like pushing really hard. And other days that looks like taking a big step back and simply noticing the beauty of my life. Both approaches are valuable.
Neither one is right or wrong. And I get to decide how I want to incorporate both in my life. So when I stop using I should be grateful as a weapon against myself, I can recognize two truths at once.
Yes, I am deeply grateful. And yes, I also feel sadness, worry, overwhelm, and disappointment. This is simply a part of my human experience.
So if you notice yourself thinking I should be more grateful or I should be happier, don't use those thoughts as proof that you're doing life wrong. Use them as an invitation to get curious. Ask yourself, how does my pain make perfect sense right now? And also, where am I creating unnecessary suffering by layering judgment and pressure on top of it? This is exactly the work we do on my one-on-one coaching program Mom 2.0 because I know you're already grateful.
But what might also be true is that you want to feel more peace and contentment and fulfillment in your life. And those emotions are available when you learn how to access your power to create your emotional experience on purpose. It's not about being happy all the time.
It's about having compassion for yourself, choosing who you want to be, and practicing that daily. Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
