THE REAL EMOTIONS BEHIND THE EMPTY NEST, IS IT SADNESS, EMPTINESS, OR SOMETHING ELSE? |EP. 177
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
What if there are more layers to this transition to the empty nest than just feeling sad? In this episode, I'm going to explore the different emotions that get tangled up in the way we talk about and experience this transition to the empty nest.
I'll talk about how complicated these emotions can be, and why we all experience this transition differently. I'll also talk about the natural ways we try to fix these feelings, and why this often doesn't work. In truth, what most of us are hoping for in this transition is connection, purpose, and direction.
So let's talk about what's holding you back from creating these more powerful emotions. Let's get into it.
Hello, my friend.
Here we are in the month of college drop-offs. Maybe you've just returned home from taking your big kid to school. Or maybe you're still packing up those giant vinyl blue bags, checking off the college lists, and preparing for that moment when you say goodbye.
You could be doing this with your first kid, or your last kid. Or maybe you haven't done this at all yet. Maybe you're still a year or two away, but it seems like this time of life is looming, and you're not sure what to expect.
This transition, whatever it looks like, is inevitable. But at the same time, I think so many of us get here and we're not quite ready for it. I recently had a client tell me something so real.
She said when she first went through the transition, she was disappointed in her pediatrician for not warning her how hard it would be for her. She felt like he should have known and helped her prepare for it. I think what's so interesting is that we've spent the past 18 years raising these kids so that we could get to this place, launching them successfully.
But it's almost like we've prepared for everything up to this point. And once we get here, we feel like, now what? And I say this acknowledging, based on conversations with hundreds of women in my coaching practice, this does not look the same for all of us. In fact, if you'd ask me to predict how I would have handled this transition 10 years ago, I would have been way off.
There have been some parts of this transition that have been surprisingly easy, and others that have been harder than I ever could have imagined. For me, in fact, I feel like my real process of learning to let go started well before my boys left for college. And what I see with so many women I work with is that this is true for them as well.
Because we start grappling pretty early on with questions about what do I let go and how do I let go? Or what do I keep a hold of? How do I stay connected? What do I need and what do I deserve? These aren't actually questions that just start when your kids leave home, although some of us wait until we have that space to start to explore them. So today I want to focus this conversation on that moment of transition when your kids start leaving home. So let's start there.
If this is you in this moment of transition, wherever you are, even if you're looking ahead to it, what are you feeling right now? What are you anticipating that you'll feel? Let's start with the emotion of sadness, because this is the one I think we tend to think about when we talk about the emptiness a lot, that we talk about this emptiness sadness. But for some of us, it might not even feel like sadness, but more of an ache, kind of like there's a hole in your heart. You might feel heavy.
It could be as simple as you missing your big kid, missing just being able to hug them anytime they're around you. Or it could be a sadness that a chapter of your life is closing, that you're saying goodbye to a part of your life that took up so much space and now it's over. You could also feel sad that you letting go, that moment of drop-off, didn't look exactly like you hoped it would.
Maybe they didn't seem to care that you dropped them off. Maybe they didn't seem to be sad. It could be that your relationship is strained and you wish it weren't.
Notice how many different layers of sadness and sources of sadness there can be that all reflect different experiences that we might be having in this transition. But what's really interesting is at the same time you could be feeling sad, you're also feeling proud and excited for your kid, excited that they're headed into this new world, taking on new challenges. You could also be feeling grateful that they made it after a few years of struggle and a really stressful college process, you both made it.
Or maybe, frankly, things have been challenging enough with your kid that you're relieved to have been able to drop them off. Maybe now you can get a break from the stress of the relationship. The thing is, what's so confusing about this transition is that the emotions we feel don't come in these neat little packages.
They're layered and messy and sometimes contradictory. You can feel proud and sad, excited and worried. When people talk generally about the empty nest, they often paint this picture that it's just about moms feeling sad about their kids leaving home.
In my experience, it's actually never just that. In fact, for some of us moms, we're thrilled our kids are leaving. And yet, many of us still experience this confusing mix of emotions.
And because these emotions can be conflicting and often really strong and layered, it can feel hard to break free of them. Because they all kind of jumble together to create this heavy weight, almost an emotional overwhelm. Which is why it can be really helpful to get curious about what's going on for you.
What layers of emotion are true for you in this moment of transition? I'm going to explore a few surprising layers today and see what resonates with you. Let's talk about loneliness. Here's something to consider.
This doesn't always look like what we think loneliness should look like. It's not necessarily about being isolated or having no one to talk to. It can just be that feeling you have when you walk through the house and you realize the kids aren't coming home for dinner.
Or when you walk by that room that feels so empty it's almost like it has a gravitational pull. It could also be that moment when you instinctively go to check your kids' location or send them a text. But then you hold yourself back because you think maybe you should give them some space.
You don't want to seem needy. You don't want to bother them. You could also get to this moment as we approach September and you notice that the calendar isn't filled with events and to-do lists or things that you have to plan for now that your kid isn't in high school anymore.
It's like suddenly you're spending so much more time in your own head rather than the activity of life. And this loneliness, it's not necessarily about being physically alone. It's really more often about loss of connection.
Not only feeling disconnected from your kid, but also disconnected from who you were when they were home. That version of you as mom. I've had clients say to me, of course I miss my kid, but I also miss who I was when I was needed.
And again, you can have people around you, maybe your partner or friends, even other kids still at home. But you can still feel lonely. Have you ever had that feeling in a crowded room, surrounded by people, and you've felt totally alone? Or on the other hand, been alone by yourself and felt totally at peace and connected? Truly, feeling loneliness has very little to do with whether other people are physically near you.
It's more about how you feel about yourself in relation to other people or how you feel about the strength of your relationship you have with other people. In fact, you might not be at all surprised to hear that some moms feel lonely even when their kids are still at home. And if this is you, believe me, I see you.
This kind of loneliness is a different kind of heartbreak. I mean, your kid can physically be right there, but emotionally somewhere else entirely. They pull away or spend more time in their room, glued to their phone, brushing you off when you try to connect.
You're with them, but feeling totally disconnected, lonely in your relationship with them. In this time of life, this comes up with friendships too. As our kids grow up, many of the friendships we've built around our kids start to change.
You don't see the other moms at games or school events anymore, and you start to realize how much of your social life was connected to your kids' activities or just being in the same place and making plans with people. As these chances for natural connections start to go away, you start to feel kind of awkward reaching out to those old friends. Or you find you just don't have as much in common with them anymore.
You'd love to have a group of friends to connect with, maybe even just one or two. But you can feel exhausted at the prospect of trying to find new friends at this age. So many moms have said to me, is it just me? Am I the only one without friends? And so I want to say to you listening, no, it's not.
If you're feeling lonely and missing out on friendships that you used to have, you're definitely not alone. But also it's so valuable to recognize that in all of these situations, this feeling of loneliness isn't about whether there are other people around you. It's about the way you think about yourself in relation to those people.
And interestingly enough, it's also not even about the absence of connection. But really, it's about what we're making it mean when someone doesn't reach out, or when our kids leave or pull away, when we text our kid and it takes them more than a day to reply. The truth is, because we have so many different relationships in our lives, and many of them can feel disconnected at this stage of life, we can be left with a lot of time to be in our own heads experiencing this loneliness.
In fact, as we get older, research shows that we all increasingly spend more time alone. And that can feel overwhelming and actually a little scary if you're already feeling this sense of loneliness. There's a second layer of feelings that we can experience in the empty nest, and that's a loss of purpose.
And this one also makes so much sense. Motherhood has been the central organizing purpose of our lives for the past 18 years or more. Whether you've worked full-time inside the home or also balanced work or other responsibilities outside of the home, you've structured your life, and really your purpose in life, around being a mom.
And this purpose hasn't just been logistical. It's not only been about the homework and the activities and the meals. This purpose has also been an emotional reality, something you feel in relation to your role as a mom.
And inevitably, as we step into the empty nest, this role changes. It doesn't go away by any means, because we will forever and always be mom. But the amount of practical space this takes up in our lives can feel like it's shrinking.
Or maybe it can feel like you're losing your anchor in this purpose. Whenever you have a kid back in the nest, back at home, it's like you can have this unconscious feeling of responsibility to take care of them, whether they need you or not. My son actually came home from his internship this weekend, and before he got there, I made sure I went to the grocery store to get bananas, because he loves them.
I also made dinner reservations, both Friday and Saturday night, just in case he was free either night. When my boys are around, I tend to pick right back up with this sense of purpose. When you look at the definition of purpose, it's the reason something exists or the reason you do things.
It's really the why, our motivation, the thing that gives meaning to our actions and choices and even the direction of our life. For so long, our kids have been our why. It's been the reason we've done almost everything, from our big decisions to the everyday routines we've had.
And there is a part of this that can feel really beautiful and meaningful. But this purpose also has a weight to it. Of course, there's a big part of that purpose, that weight, that's about love.
But it's also about responsibility. We're always watching our kids for signs that they're okay and on the right path. We're always trying to think three steps ahead.
And this feeling actually doesn't change much, even as our kids leave. We can still feel this sense of responsibility and need to protect and guide our kids. But at the same time, we're with them less.
They take up less physical space in our lives, but the emotional and mental space they can take up can be about the same. It can even feel more heavy if you're worried about your kid and they're not checking in as often as you'd like. Or even if you do talk to them and you're not really sure if they're okay.
So here we are, stepping into the season where we're losing the structure of our purpose, but still holding on to the emotional weight of that purpose. And this actually creates kind of an internal friction, really a cognitive dissonance, when two beliefs or experiences that seem to contradict each other exist at the same time. You know your child is growing up, becoming independent, and that they don't need you in the same way.
But you still feel like it's your job to watch and worry and fix things when they go wrong. You're doing less, but you're still feeling the weight of the responsibility. You might have more time and more flexibility on your hands, but you somehow feel like you're not quite free.
For some of us, having our kids out of the house can create a bit more space, like out of sight, out of mind. But it's amazing how quickly all of that responsibility comes rushing back in the minute you talk and you sense they're struggling or stressed out. Or when they come home and they don't seem to want to talk to you.
Your instinct is to lean into your purpose. But yet again, you feel a lot of empty space when they're not around. All of these conflicting feelings can really leave you confused about what's going on and why.
I think this is why this concept of losing our purpose in the empty nest can feel so hard to shake and difficult to solve for, because we all experience it differently depending on our perspective on this role and our relationship with our kids. So we still feel this pull of responsibility, but also when our kids aren't home, we feel a lot of empty space. All of these conflicting emotions can leave you feeling really confused.
And I think this is why this concept of losing our purpose in the empty nest is so difficult to solve for, because sometimes we don't even really understand what it is we think we're losing. And the truth is we all experience this transition and this loss of purpose differently depending on our perspective and how we see our role shifting as our kids leave. And here again we get back to this concept of perspective.
What we make it mean that our kids are leaving, what we make our role mean, and how we think about purpose. The third feeling I want to explore in this transition to the empty nest is the sense of feeling lost. And let me be clear about what I mean when I describe this as different from feeling lonely or feeling a loss of purpose.
Here's how I think about it. Loneliness is about connection. Really it's the feeling that you're now disconnected.
Loss of purpose is about meaning. It's really the question of what is my why now that I'm not actively being alone on a day-to-day basis. In contrast, feeling lost is about direction.
It's the sense of not knowing where to go from here. It's not just about missing someone or something. It's about not being sure about what comes next for you.
For many of us we might not even really be able to articulate what we really want because for so long we haven't even asked this question of ourselves. What do I want? On the one hand you would think that this question could be empowering and exciting. Like, wait, I get to do things for me again? And for some women this is for sure the case.
But for many of us these questions, what do I want? What comes next? They can feel paralyzing and overwhelming. Look, for a really long time the answer to the question what do I want was obvious. What you wanted was for your kid to be okay.
What was next was whatever they needed next. Your decisions were organized around someone else's life. And now you need to make decisions about you.
But it can be easy to feel like you don't even know where to start. And this question is really deeper than just the logistics of what to do with your time. Look, we can all fill our calendar with stuff.
But the sense of feeling lost is more connected to the question of who am I now? And who do I want to be? So I've talked about three emotional layers of the empty nest. Loneliness, a loss of purpose, and the feeling of being lost. Now let's talk about what we often do with these feelings.
Because let's face it, they're not comfortable. So naturally our instinct is to do something, to try to solve for or fix the emotion. We really just want to feel better.
I mean, of course. So let's talk about how we solve for loneliness. When we feel disconnected or lonely, of course we want to reach out for something or someone to fill that void.
And there's nothing wrong with wanting connection. In fact, deciding to make an effort to reach out to that friend or call your kid can be a meaningful way to create closeness. But sometimes the way we reach for connection doesn't actually help us feel more connected.
Instead, it can actually become a way for us to avoid the loneliness or just try to get someone else to fix it for us. So this could look like texting your kid and needing them to reply right away so you can feel okay, almost forcing connection. It could also look like blaming other people for not connecting back with you.
Maybe feeling resentful that a friend hasn't reached out or assuming your kid doesn't care because they haven't called. And sometimes this can look like just shutting down, not wanting to make an effort with other people because what's the point? And look, all of these reactions make perfect sense, especially if you're feeling hurt and lonely. But notice how these reactions also make the loneliness and feeling of disconnection even more painful.
Now let's talk about how we solve for the feeling of lost purpose. Again, when we're feeling this, it's totally natural to want to do something to fix it. We want to feel productive and like we matter.
And again, this can lead to some empowering choices. Maybe you sign up for that class you've always wanted to take or you volunteer for something. Or maybe you start to find time for that hobby or even the career that you haven't had the time to explore while raising kids.
But just like with loneliness, sometimes our response to a loss of purpose can become more about avoiding the feeling. This can look like just filling up your calendar with things and activities so you can feel productive. This actually ends up looking more like keeping busy than finding purpose.
You can also get stuck in the weight of feeling this pressure to figure something out, to have a plan, as if there's something wrong that you haven't created this new purpose right away. And because being a mom is so meaningful to us, it's like we can put this concept of having purpose up on a pedestal so that whatever we do has to have real value in comparison. We don't want it to be a waste of time.
Or we don't want other people to look at us like we're just flitting around, not doing anything important. It's like we can start to feel like we need to prove that our life has purpose outside of being a mom. The other way we react to this feeling when we've lost our purpose is that we can question whether we have anything to offer outside of being a mom.
Like, who would hire me? I have no experience. Or questioning your worth now. Like, what do I even have to offer? And again, you can have compassion for all of these reactions.
We've spent years invested in the purpose of being a mom. But when we try to fill this void without really asking what we want first, we can end up feeling exhausted and really no closer to finding that sense of purpose that we want. Last, let's talk about how we try to solve for the feeling of being lost, not knowing what's next.
And once again, this is so valid. It makes so much sense that we want a plan. We want direction.
And for some of us, we might respond to this need by giving ourselves permission to try something new. But the truth is, feeling lost is uncomfortable. So sometimes we can feel like we're in a rush to solve for it.
Like, we want to just make a decision so that we can stop feeling directionless. But others of us might feel overwhelmed by trying to find the right choice. Like, what if I get this wrong? Or waste my time? We don't really want to put in a lot of effort into something if we're only going to give up or fail.
So often, what this looks like is that we doubt ourselves to the point where we second-guess any choice. You end up feeling paralyzed by all the options and even stop trusting yourself to make and follow through with any decision. And of course, all this does is keep you stuck and still feeling lost.
We can also get stuck in comparison, thinking that others have somehow done it better because they seem to have figured it out. They have a plan. So then you judge yourself for not having that plan.
And ultimately, this just adds pressure and judgment to feeling lost. It's like you feel lost, but now you tell yourself you shouldn't be feeling this way. So what do you do with all these layers of emotion in the empty nest if you're not avoiding them or trying to solve for them? So often, we talk about feeling sad in this transition.
But as I talked about today, there are so many different layers to this experience. You could be feeling lonely. Even if you're not physically alone, you can feel disconnected from your kids, your partner, or friends, but even from the version of yourself who felt needed.
You could also be experiencing a loss of purpose, that feeling that the role of mom, which has given your life so much meaning for so long, is changing. That central organizing why to your life suddenly feels uncertain, and that feels really uncomfortable. You could also be feeling lost, not sure about what to do next or even who you are, who you want to be.
So many women have expressed it to me by saying, I want to get back to myself. What I interpret that to mean is that they want to get back to the version of themselves who felt connected, purposeful, and had a sense of direction. When we don't have these feelings, we naturally try to solve for them.
And sometimes the quality of these actions can create really powerful results. And other times, they actually create more disconnection, pressure, and doubt. The question for you is, how can you make decisions about how to approach the stage of life in a way that actually creates connection, purpose, and direction? The answer lies in paying attention to how you're thinking about this stage of life.
Because the way you think is what shapes how you feel and what you do next. This is exactly what I'm going to help you do in my next masterclass. I'll walk you through a simple process to help you answer three questions.
How do I rebuild connection, create purpose, and find direction as I navigate the road to and through the empty nest? You can sign up for the class through the link in the show notes. The next chapter of your life has the potential to be so deeply meaningful when you learn how to be with yourself right where you are, with curiosity. So often we rush to escape or fix our discomfort.
But what if the way to break free of it is to first really understand what's creating your emotional experience right now, so that you can make intentional decisions about how to move forward in your relationship with others and your relationship with yourself? My friend, you define what's meaningful. And believe it or not, you have the power to create connection, purpose, and direction. So the question is, what's holding you back from creating this in your life right now? Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
