“I DON'T KNOW HOW”—THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 176
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Welcome to Things Moms Are Ashamed They Think. If you've ever had a thought about your teen or adult kid that makes you feel like a terrible person, this series is for you. In every episode, I'll be naming one of those honest but unspoken thoughts out loud, and I'll unpack what's really going on underneath. Because these thoughts don't make you a bad mom, they make you human. And when you learn how to shift the way you relate to these thoughts inside your head, everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. I can't do it.
I've had women say this to me in so many different ways in all kinds of contexts over the years, and I have definitely said it to myself too. Recently, I was thinking about how far I've come over the past five years in my belief about what's possible for me in my life. Looking back, I remember how many times I've told myself, I don't know, or I don't know how.
And that's shown up in so many areas of my life, not just in parenting my boys, but also in building this coaching practice from the ground up. I discovered life coaching about 10 years ago. Before that, my work had absolutely nothing to do with coaching.
So when I found this work, it was brand new to me. This wasn't something I'd grown up around. I just knew there was something here, and I had to figure it out.
When I first heard about mindset work from another coach, they talked about how our thinking impacts the results we create in our lives. And you hear these same messages from all of the mindset leaders, like Tony Robbins and Byron Katie and Abraham. And I remember being totally confused, like, what is this voodoo? What are they even talking about? It sounded so compelling.
But also, how do you actually apply it to your own life? In the beginning, I was intrigued enough to try to be open to it, to see if it made any sense. And slowly, I had these little light bulb moments, tiny realizations like, wait, this actually makes sense. But I still didn't really know how to apply what I was hearing.
I didn't know how to use the tools to make my life better. But I kept learning. I stayed curious, and I took small steps.
And slowly, I started to use what I was learning in my own life. And I began to see small wins, tiny shifts that actually did make my life better. Inevitably, I had setbacks.
I'd make a commitment to myself, and then I'd let myself down. And for a while, that would keep me stuck. I'd fall right back into, I don't know how, I can't do this.
But the truth was, I was so unhappy where I was, that I realized it was worth continuing to try. And little by little, step by step, honestly, failure after failure, I kept going. I learned to see failure not as a reason to quit, but as another opportunity to understand my mind better.
And through that process, I continued to grow. As I look back on that journey now, my mind is blown in terms of how much I've expanded my capacity to create meaningful change in my life. Not just in my relationship with my boys, but in my relationship with myself.
Really, my belief in my ability to create something special and meaningful in this next chapter of my life. Looking back, I can see it so clearly. That cycle of, I don't know, leading to just enough curiosity to take one small step, and then another, and through all of it, learning through the setbacks.
That's the model I've used to create every single achievement I've ever had in my life. And my friend, you have done this exact same thing in your life too. But sometimes what can happen in this stage of our lives where so much is in transition, is that we can find ourselves saying, I don't know, or I don't know how, a lot.
I mean, it comes up all the time in the context of our teens. I don't know how to connect with my kid. I don't know how to get them to talk to me or open up.
I don't know how strict I should be, or if I'm being too strict. I don't know what the right consequence is, or how I should follow through. I don't know how to set boundaries that actually work.
We also say this in our other relationships. I don't know how to get on the same page with my partner, or I don't know how co-parent without conflict. Whether you're married, divorced, or somewhere in between, it can be really hard to know how to navigate raising your kids when you differ in approach from the other parent of your child.
But beyond parenting, in this stage of life, this thought also comes up a lot as you start thinking about yourself again. I don't know what I want to do now. I don't know what I'm interested in, or what I'm qualified to do.
I don't know where to start, or even if it's worth it. I don't know how to make new friends at this age. Believe it or not, this thought, I don't know how, relates to the mindset trap of perfectionism.
Now, your immediate thought when I say this might be something along the lines of, no, that's not right. I'm not trying to be perfect here. If anything, we often think that we're setting the bar really low.
Like, I'm just trying to get by here. I'm not even trying to go after big dreams. I just want to feel a little better in my parenting, or my relationship with my kid.
Or I just want to feel like I have something to do to fill my days. But here's what's so important to remember about perfectionism, and I talked a lot about this in the episode I did on this mindset trap before. Perfectionism isn't at all about being perfect.
It's about how we're afraid. It's our fear of failure, fear of looking ridiculous or doing the wrong thing, fear of wasting our time or letting our kid down. Also fear of regret.
I wonder if there's even a part of us that fears feeling foolish because we had the audacity to even hope that we could do something different. Because you want something to change, but then what if it doesn't? Wouldn't you be better off if you just hadn't tried at all? What's really going on here is that we're afraid of feeling an emotion in the future if things don't go the way that we hope. If you look at the motivational triad, this idea that we're biologically wired to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy, then it actually makes so much sense that our instinct is to avoid doing hard and potentially painful things.
Of course we want to play it safe. We don't want to risk failure. We don't want to experience emotional pain, whether that's disappointment or humiliation, guilt or regret.
Because our brains interpret all of this as dangerous. So think of it this way, the statement, I don't know, or I don't know how, it almost becomes a kind of shortcut. Because it's like your brain's way of putting on the brakes.
Like there's something risky or dangerous here, so maybe it's better if we don't try. And when you shut down in this way, you hold yourself back from taking those risks that will help you figure it out. The real cost of believing, I don't know how, of truly treating that thought like it's a fixed truth, is that you run the risk of not trying or just giving up.
You shut yourself down. You stop taking the time to figure things out. It starts with this is hard and then goes to this isn't working and then eventually maybe it's just not possible.
So many of us get to this place with our kids where we have this realization that this parenting thing is hard. I mean, before you hit the teen years, you typically enjoy a lot of time with your kid where they want to be with you and they're generally agreeable. And then fast forward to these years where they're looking for more independence and suddenly they stop agreeing with you.
They want things their way. They push back against boundaries or they struggle in school or with relationships and you don't know how to help. We reach the stage of parenting where we think this is hard.
So many women have said to me, no one prepared me for this stage. I mean, we all knew about colicky babies and the terrible twos, but somehow this stage of parenting catches us by surprise. We can be shocked, actually, at how hard it feels.
You want so much to support your kid and connect with them every single day you try your best, but then they still struggle or pull away and you can't fix it. Whether your challenge is helping your teen through their pain or getting them to listen or connect with you, you reach this place where you start to think that no matter how hard you try, you're not going to be successful. I don't know how to help.
I don't know how to get through to them. And from here, many of us go in one of two directions. On the one hand, we could try harder.
We essentially might try to push through to get our kid to open up or to listen to us. We don't want to give up on our kids. We see their potential, but then we also see the danger and the risk.
We just want to help. But when they don't respond or get any better, what we feel isn't just frustration. It's this doubt, like maybe I'm doing it wrong or I don't know how to do this.
Whatever I do, it doesn't help. It's like our faith and our ability to handle this kind of breaks down. And this starts to influence how we show up with our kids.
As we feel less hope, we feel less patience, maybe more resentment and more fear. So then we start showing up in ways that we regret, which only breaks down the trust we have in ourselves more. So one approach is that we try harder.
And the other, and these aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, but the other way we can show up is that we start to give up or at least disengage. And this isn't because we don't care about our kids, but it's truly because we're exhausted. We're frustrated and we doubt ourselves and we fear it's never going to get any better.
This belief that I don't know how can cause us to stop expecting things to get any better. We might start avoiding having conversations or dreading the time we spend with our kids because it's just going to be tense and painful. You start expecting the next disappointment.
I've had moms say to me, I really hope her boyfriend doesn't break up with her because we can't take it. It's like we're just so exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster that we just want to disconnect from it. And again, this isn't because we don't love our kids.
It's just that it takes everything out of us to be there and keep trying when things don't feel like they're getting any better. I don't know how to make this better. It's like you become resigned to the pain and the difficulty of this stage of parenting.
The exact same dynamic happens when you talk about any goal you might have. Let's talk about finding meaning and purpose beyond motherhood. Maybe you have an idea of something you'd love to do, or maybe you have no idea what you want, but you know you want something, maybe more meaning and purpose.
Moms have said to me things like, I just want to get back to myself. On the one hand, this could feel exciting. It could feel like an opportunity in front of you.
But more often, it can feel heavy and intimidating. You can think, I have no idea what I'm qualified to do. It's been so long since I've worked.
Or I've done the same thing for so long and I want something different, but how can I make this change without any experience? Women will tell me their age is a limiting factor, that no one's hiring, or that they don't know how to find a job in this online world, or that no one wants to hire you part-time. Or if it's a dream you have, like writing a book or starting a business or pursuing some creative venture, you can tell yourself, I have no idea how to do that, how to get from here to there than dream or goal. You feel a little bit like an imposter, even thinking about the possibility of it.
It feels too late, like who's going to take me seriously? I've missed my chance. Or I don't have the energy for this. But here's the impact of this thinking.
You say you want something, but then you don't take any steps to pursue it. You might look online for jobs, but never apply, or apply to a few and then when things don't work out, you give up. You put off signing up for that class or workshop, or you downplay your dream, even to your closest friends.
You feel like you need to joke about it so no one thinks you're serious. People will tell me, I just need someone to tell me how to do it. But then they hesitate asking for help or taking the time to figure it out themselves.
Every single time you don't take action toward your goals, it can reinforce that belief that you just don't know how, that you're not capable of figuring it out. It becomes more evidence that it's not going to work. And just like with parenting, you might not be mentally giving up, but it's like you give in.
You lower the bar because you're tired and scared. This one thought, I don't know how, can become the reason you stay stuck in a life that isn't what you want. And this is where we can fall into feeling ashamed.
Because as moms, especially moms who have spent years being the one who figures things out and holds everything together, it can feel kind of defeating, maybe even humiliating to admit that we don't know. We've spent a decade problem-solving around the way we help and support our kids. We've prided ourselves on knowing the schedule and what needs to happen.
We know where everything is and what the upcoming events and deadlines are. And then you reach this part of parenting and life, and there are just so many unknowns. We don't know how to support and guide our kids in a way that will actually make an impact.
We don't know how to help them feel better or act better. We don't know how to feel better ourselves. And when you don't know, and you can't see a path forward, it's scary.
Like, how did I get here? So when we're stuck, we inevitably turn that judgment back on ourselves. We make our uncertainty mean something about us. Like we should have been able to figure this out ahead of time.
Or that we made the wrong decisions or did the wrong thing in the past, and now we're here, a place we didn't want to be. Or other women have somehow figured this out along the way, in a way that I haven't been able to. These feelings of shame aren't just coming from uncertainty.
It's actually this belief that we shouldn't be uncertain. That we should just know what to do or how to help, how to fix things. And these are the things we don't often admit to other people.
So we can start to think as women that we're the only ones in this painful place. But I want to assure you, my friend, if you're stuck feeling like you just don't know, you are definitely not alone. But my friend, not knowing is actually not a failure.
And actually, what you might not realize is that the antidote to solving for uncertainty isn't necessarily to convince yourself that you know how or that you know what to do. In fact, I think this is why so many of us get stuck, is that we think the only solution is to learn how. And so we don't give ourselves permission to move forward until we know.
But what if your real power isn't in knowing all the answers, but in being willing to stay in the uncertainty? Now, I know if you're hearing this, you might be thinking, that sounds absolutely terrible. And I get it. Uncertainty isn't comfortable.
It can feel messy and vulnerable. But when I say your power is being willing to stay in the uncertainty, here's what I mean. Let's say you're trying to talk to your teen about something important.
Maybe school or something they're doing that you need to address with them. So you're thinking, I don't know how to get them to change or to listen to me. And then what often happens is that we either feel like we're walking on eggshells in the conversation, or we go into the mode of trying to get them to change or listen.
So either way, we feel terrible and unsuccessful. So imagine just being present with not knowing, not needing to fix it, but instead being willing to be curious. What if I don't have all the answers, but I'm willing to explore the options, understand all the opportunities? Imagine getting curious enough to be willing to listen to your kid instead of telling.
My friend, with our kids, we're often so focused on making our anxiety and uncertainty go away that we make the conversations we have with our kids about us, rather than about them. It's about what we need to change, what we need them to hear. And look, I'll be the first to acknowledge, you probably have important things that your kid needs to hear.
But when you're focused on making them listen, they stop listening. And often, we stop listening too. Now let's take the example of the uncertainty we feel as we approach the empty nest.
What does it look like to be willing to stay present in the uncertainty? As our kids need us less, it's so understandable that we start to think, I don't know what to do with this space, with myself, now that I have more time. Or maybe we start to think, I should have a plan. I want to do something meaningful.
So we feel this uncertainty, maybe this feeling of being a bit lost. But at the same time, we might be feeling sad and missing our kids, missing that version of our life we had when our kids were at home. So the honest truth is that we don't want to feel this way.
It's uncomfortable. So we do anything we can to fix and avoid it. And that could look like us needing our kid to connect with us so that we don't feel disconnected.
Or it could look like us filling our calendar with stuff so we don't have to feel so lost. And look, if that works for you, great. But more often, what women tell me is that they distract themselves for some period of time, but then they feel this constant dread of being alone with themselves in that empty space.
Or they start to get frustrated with their kid because they're not giving them the connection they need. So their attempts to fix the uncertainty of not knowing how to fill the time and find connection and meaning in the stage of life don't work. And then they feel even more lost and frustrated.
What would it look like to be present with this not knowing instead? What if I don't have all the answers, but I'm willing to explore the options without needing to get it right right away? Imagine getting curious enough to be willing to listen to yourself again. To listen to what you really need and what's holding you back from giving yourself that. My friend, you've done this so many times before.
You have lived through times in your life where you have been uncertain and you face things you didn't know how to handle. You've raised a whole human being. And I am almost certain that there were many stages of that journey that you had to figure out as you went along.
There was so much uncertainty, but you were willing to stay in the uncertainty and do what you had to do to figure it out. I also like to think about how our kids are stepping into their next chapter right now. They have absolutely no idea how things are going to turn out for them.
But they also don't expect themselves to know. In fact, what they know is that they're going to have to learn and figure it out as they go. What if we could do the same? What if we could approach this chapter of our lives the way we want our kids to approach theirs? With curiosity and even the understanding that not knowing isn't actually the problem, that it's part of the process.
Exploring this uncertainty and taking steps to find the answers is what we do in my coaching program, Mom 2.0. We create the space to figure out what truly matters to you and make decisions about how to move forward that honor that awareness. It's not about having all the answers. It's about taking one step and then another and then another.
And I am here to support you every step of the way. Imagine creating the power to feel safe in the uncertainty and trusting yourself to figure it out. Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
