“NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME” — THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK | EP. 174
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Welcome to Things Moms Are Ashamed They Think. If you've ever had a thought about your teen or adult kid that makes you feel like a terrible person, this series is for you. In every episode, I'll be naming one of those honest but unspoken thoughts out loud, and I'll unpack what's really going on underneath. Because these thoughts don't make you a bad mom, they make you human. And when you learn how to shift the way you relate to these thoughts inside your head, everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
"Nobody listens to me."
Do you ever feel this way with your kids? Or maybe with your partner or other people in your life? Let me tell you a story that I hear in one shape or form from a lot of my clients. You're cleaning up the kitchen after dinner and your kid is sitting on the couch on their phone. You've asked them to do something.
Maybe take out the trash or help with the dishes. Maybe get started on their homework. You've asked once, and you've asked again.
And then you take a deep breath and you walk over and you ask one more time, can you please do this thing that I asked you to do? And your kid doesn't even look up. You wait a second and then you say, hey, did you hear me? And finally, your kid looks up as if you're bothering them and they say, I'll get to it, just chill. Or maybe it's Saturday night and your kid is out with friends or maybe they're back at college.
You're trying not to be overprotective. You just want to make sure they're OK. Maybe you haven't heard from them in a while, so you send a quick text.
Hey, just checking in. Everything OK? And you get nothing. Hours pass, maybe days, and still no response.
You see the delivered sign under the text. Maybe it even says read. And you're thinking, are they really just ignoring me? Or maybe your kid is stressed about a paper or an assignment they've procrastinated on.
They're clearly anxious. And so you try to give them some friendly advice. Hey, maybe you should do a quick outline or we could talk it through.
And then they snap back at you with, I know, mom, you don't have to tell me what to do. You were just trying to help, but apparently they didn't want to hear it. Do you ever get this feeling as a mom that no one is listening to you? Like, they don't hear your request, they block out your advice, or they just ignore you altogether? For some of us, it can feel like these aren't just isolated instances either.
It can truly feel like the story of your life as a mom these days. And if this sounds familiar, I promise you that you're not alone. It's like it can feel like you're experiencing these many rejections every single day.
You ask for help with a chore and your kid totally ignores you. And they seem to be put off when you remind them. Or you try to offer a friendly suggestion and they give you an eye roll.
Maybe you lay down the law with your kid and then you find out they went to their dad and got a different answer. And all of a sudden, you've been overruled. Your boundary totally disregarded.
They ignore your text. They don't call or text you to let you know they're going to be late or not make it home to dinner. Or maybe you find out about some decision they've made in their life and you're surprised that they never talked to you about it ahead of time.
It's not just frustrating. It hurts. You feel discounted and ignored.
It's like when you speak up and no one seems to care, especially the ones you love the most. It can start to feel like you don't matter, like no one cares what you have to say. So you're thinking, no one listens to me.
And it feels like you're just stating the facts. But underneath this thought, there's a lot more going on for us moms. I mean, of course we feel frustrated.
That sense of, I'm trying so hard here and nothing is working. You're just trying to get through to them. And you really tried to ask calmly.
Maybe you even tried to wait to ask when you knew they wouldn't be tired. Hoping you would catch them in a better mood. You might have tried your best not to react when they say something really snarky back to you.
But no matter how hard you try, it feels like none of these strategies work. I think there's also another layer of frustration that happens because of what we make it mean when our kids don't respond to us. It's not just, they didn't do what I asked.
It becomes, they don't respect me. Or they don't value what I say. Maybe even they don't care.
And that doesn't only hurt because of course you want to feel connected to your kid. But you can also turn the judgment back on yourself. I mean, it's our job as moms to raise responsible, kind, and respectful kids, right? And so when they clearly aren't showing evidence that they're being these things, it feels like our fault.
Like you haven't taught them how to listen or be responsible. These signs that our kids aren't listening can feel like a reflection of your parenting or even your worth as a mom and the quality of the relationship you have with your kid. And these are big stakes, my friend.
It feels like more than just a dishwasher that's not emptied or a text that hasn't gotten a response. It's like evidence of something so much more. If we're honest with ourselves, another emotion that can come up is loneliness.
Here you are, doing your best, showing up for your family every single day. But it can feel like you're invisible. You're surrounded by the people you love the most in the world, and yet somehow you feel like you're on the outside.
This can feel even worse if you sense that your kids somehow have a closer relationship with their dad. You can feel jealous of that relationship, but also annoyed, particularly if you're still married. It's like a betrayal that they get to be the close, connected parent after everything you've done to support your kids.
And then there is the guilt. And my friend, this is just one more time where it's fascinating to reflect on how complicated our emotional reality can be, because there are so many different layers to it. We don't just feel frustrated and lonely and betrayed.
We feel guilty, as if somehow all of this is our fault. Not just that we're failing as a parent to teach our kid to be responsible, but also that the way we've approached it is all wrong. Like we've been too pushy or too dysregulated.
Really that there's something wrong with us that has led us to show up in a way that's created this disrespectful behavior, or just total disregard for our input or our connection. And so, of course, we second-guess ourselves, wondering how to fix this. And because nothing we do seems to be working, it's like you can feel paralyzed, totally stuck in uncertainty.
And then there's the grief. Because you remember a time when your kid didn't want to be apart from you. They told you they loved you.
You were the one they came to for help and for comfort. You were needed and definitely listened to back then. You mattered.
And now you get a grunt or an eye roll, or worse, total silence. I wonder if any of this resonates with you, how many layers of emotion you're experiencing about it right now. I'm sure there's frustration and maybe resentment.
But do you also notice the loneliness, the guilt, or the grief? Take a moment to check in with yourself and acknowledge if any of that feels true for you. And also notice if any of this brings up shame. It could be the feeling that maybe you shouldn't be this upset, that needing to be heard somehow makes you feel weak or needy.
You might think that other moms handle this better or don't let it get to them like you do. Maybe you're telling yourself that you shouldn't take it personally, because, of course, there is a part of you that says this is just how teens are. But my friend, the truth is, of course, this feels personal.
You've spent years being the one who mattered the most to your kid. So whatever you're feeling right now, unseen, disconnected, discounted, it's not because you're weak. It's truly because you're human.
And it makes so much sense, because your brain is trying to protect you. And that's what our brains are wired to do. And this goes back to what we've talked about before, the motivational triad.
Your brain is always looking for danger, trying to avoid pain, seek comfort, and conserve energy. So when your kid doesn't respond, your brain interprets it as a thread, an emotional rejection. It's not just that they didn't take out the trash.
Your brain processes it as something is wrong. I'm being pushed away. I'm not safe or respected here.
And from that place, your mind starts spinning stories like they don't care about me or I'm doing something wrong. Or they're never going to be responsible. And this is how you end up caught in a loop, because you start believing the thoughts your mind offers you.
And your brain isn't offering neutral observations. It's offering interpretations, stories, and worst case scenarios that feel really true in the moment. They're stories driven by your instinctual reaction, that your kid's behavior is a thread.
And the truth is, this is a sign that your brain is working exactly as it's designed to. It's just that most of us were never taught to question these automatic reactive thoughts, or to slow down long enough to use our higher brains to choose what we actually want to think instead. So the first trap here is the personalization trap, when we take our kid's behavior personally.
And as I said before, you're not making it up. It is personal. Of course you feel hurt when it seems like you're being dismissed or ignored.
But here's the trap. It's not the feeling that's the problem. It's the story your brain attaches to it.
The personalization trap shows up when your brain takes your kid's behavior, like ignoring your texts or brushing off your advice, and turns it into something about you. So now not only do you feel hurt, you also feel responsible for their reaction. So this is the part that you can choose to free yourself from.
Acknowledge the hurt you feel, but also notice when your mind wants to make that mean something about your worth or your value as a mom. Your kid's behavior is truly a reflection of where they are, not on who you are. There's a second trap at play here when you're thinking that no one listens to me, and that's the illusion of control.
This one sounds like maybe if I said it differently, or if I could just set the right boundary, or if I was better at following through with consequences, then they'd finally listen. It sounds perfectly reasonable. You just want to get through to your kid.
You want to teach them and guide them, connect with them. But here's the problem. When they don't listen or respond, no matter how calmly and thoughtfully you approach them, it feels like failure, like more proof that you're still doing it wrong.
But my friend, I have to share a really hard truth. As much as I would love to tell you that there is a right way to set a boundary, the reality is there is no perfect formula that guarantees that your kid is going to respond the way you want them to all the time. Because their behavior, their willingness to listen or not, is ultimately not in your control.
And that can feel so hard to accept. And look, I know you don't want to control your kid. You love them, and you want what's best for them, and you want to feel connected to them.
But sometimes, notwithstanding our best, most sincere efforts, they don't respond the way that we want. So what if you could know that this actually has very little to do with you, if anything? What if you could know that your job isn't to fix it, but simply to decide how you want to respond to it, even when they don't respond at all? My friend, the cost of falling into these mindset traps is not only frustration, but exhaustion and disconnection. You find yourself constantly second-guessing, feeling like every ignored text or undone chore is a test of your value and your parenting.
And all of this just breaks down your confidence and your peace of mind. You constantly feel tense and emotionally reactive. I mean, the truth is, no matter how hard you try to stay calm, it can be hard to stay that way when you constantly feel like you're failing and ultimately being disrespected.
Maybe you find yourself snapping back at your kid, showing your anger, or nagging, lecturing, just doing anything to get through to your kid. And even though it's coming from love, your teen can start to feel like they're the problem. Or alternatively, you could shut down, feeling like what's the point in saying anything if no one listens? You might find yourself withdrawing, pulling back so that you don't have to feel the hurt of being ignored.
And now you're pulling away from the people you actually really want to be close to. On top of all of this, these mindset traps make you start to lose trust in your own voice. And I've seen this happen so often with clients.
They start to feel this sense of powerlessness, wondering if what they say even matters. So many women have said to me, I could just leave and I think everyone would be happier. This is such a painful story to be living.
Not just because it feels like your kid isn't listening, but because deep down you've started to believe that their response is somehow a measure of your worth. That if they don't hear you, it must mean your voice doesn't matter. Or if they don't respond, it must mean you're not getting it right.
But what if none of that is true? What if your voice matters even if your kid never listens? What if you don't have to prove that you matter by getting them to respond the way that you hope? What if your power was actually never in their reaction, but in how you choose to keep showing up because that's who you want to be? Look, the truth is you can't force your kid to listen or make them care in the way that you want them to. But you can decide what kind of mom you want to be in those moments. Now, you might be wanting to argue with me, like, what am I supposed to do? Just let it go.
And I want to be really clear here. This isn't about staying silent or pretending you don't care or letting go of your hopes or expectations. This is first and foremost about getting honest with yourself about what you can and cannot control.
It means letting go of the pressure to get them to have the right reaction and instead focusing on your influence and the decisions you make around boundaries. This is ultimately about how you show up in the places where you truly do have power and control. And this is what builds real influence over time.
Being a mom who shows up with love and clarity. Being a mom who shows up with calm confidence again and again and again. So here's a question to think about.
What would change for you and your team if you stopped trying to get them to listen and started focusing on how you want to show up no matter what? Because this is where your real power is. Not in getting them to listen, but in leading with a kind of clarity and self-trust that doesn't depend on their reaction. I know it can feel impossible to navigate the fine line between holding your kids accountable and feeling totally frustrated that it isn't working.
When you're feeling dismissed and ignored, it can feel almost impossible to see a different path. But that's exactly what I help moms create in my coaching program. Together, we slow everything down.
We uncover the hidden thoughts and patterns keeping you stuck and help you make powerful decisions about how you want to lead and influence your team. And this means getting really clear about what you want and why. And also what is ultimately in your power to create.
When you do this work, you stop reacting from fear and frustration and start showing up with the kind of steady presence that transforms the relationship you have with your kid. If this is something you need, let's talk. My friend, if you've been feeling unheard or dismissed or just worn down from trying so hard to get through, please know this.
Your voice matters. Your role as a mom is unquestionably valuable and important. Your value in being a mom was never in getting your kid to respond perfectly. It's always been in how you choose to show up.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
