I DON’T WANT TO MISS THIS—STAYING PRESENT IN UPS AND DOWNS OF RAISING TEENS AND THE EMPTY NEST | EP. 173
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means, to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever had that moment with your kid or in your life that you wanted to enjoy, but ended up feeling disappointed by or frustrated about instead? Whether your teen is pulling away or you're staring down the empty nest, it's so easy to miss the moment you're in, because you're already grieving, already resisting, or trying to fix it. In this episode, I'm going to show you why presence is possible even when your life gets messy.
I'll talk about how to let go of expectations without giving up on what you really want, and we'll also explore what it really means to be present and show up for the moment of life that you're in right now. Let's get into it.
Hello, my friend.
I'm in this moment of summer before we drop my youngest off for college for the first time, and I'm feeling this sense of preciousness to the time I have left with him at home. If I'm honest, I've been feeling this way all year. And I also remember feeling this way when my oldest was going through his senior year in that final summer, this feeling that time is kind of slipping through my fingers and that I want to make the most of it.
At the same time, my son is keeping himself busy with a lot of different goals this summer and he's spending a lot of time with friends. And the good news is I see him self-actualizing in so many really beautiful ways. But it also means that he doesn't have a lot of time where he's looking to hang out with mom.
I'm reminded of that Cat Stevens song, you know, we'll get together then, dad, you know, we'll have a good time then. It's like, we're definitely the cats in the cradle right now. And I so recognize that this is exactly how it should be.
And again, I couldn't be more proud of everything he has going on in his life. But it could be so easy for me to find myself weighted down with a lot of mental drama about how I want things to be different. We don't eat together as a family anywhere near as much as we used to, particularly when both of my boys were still home.
Even my oldest senior year, I was pretty diligent about still planning dinners multiple times a week. And the truth is that even if one person among the four of us wasn't available, typically at least one or two other people would be. So there was always this sense of, if I plan to make dinner, then maybe there would be some audience for it.
But now with my oldest working out of town and my youngest being so busy and often not available for dinner, to be honest, I find myself not planning to make dinner. And thankfully, my poor husband is more than happy to figure out his own meal and never makes me feel guilty, or even says a word that would allow me to interpret his feelings as making me feel guilty. And I am very grateful for that.
But at the same time, I do feel the sense that I should be making more of an effort to get us all together at least once a week so that we could have time to talk and just be together. So much of the season of life makes you realize how little control you have over how things unfold, how people show up, and how often the reality of life doesn't match the vision you have in your head for what you want it to be. And it brings up a really important question.
What does it really mean to be present in your life? And why is it so hard to do? In fact, the title and the focus of this episode is inspired by something one of my dear clients said to me in a series of meetings we had before her daughter's wedding. She told me quite a few times, actually, as she thought about what she wanted the experience of her daughter's wedding to be. She told me, I don't want to miss this.
She was so cognizant of the experience she wanted to have when it came to her daughter's wedding. She wanted to be there for it. She wanted to be in the moment of it and to be able to fully support her daughter.
I think we can often reserve that thought, and I want to offer that you can even think of it as a mindset. But we can reserve this thought, I don't want to miss this, for the times that we think are supposed to be special, the celebrations or the vacations, those times when you think, this is going to be good or this should be good, and I want to appreciate it. And sometimes what that means is that we can put that time up on a pedestal with all the shoulds about what it should be and how other people should behave and how we want it all to go.
But inevitably, life does not go to plan. People don't always do what we want them to do, or they disappoint us. Life gets in the way.
Things come up. And it's so easy to fall into the mindset that other people take away our joy, that they keep us from being in the moment, that they take us out of being present because we find ourselves anxious or frustrated. And it feels like such a shame, right? We can feel a little resentful of all the things, all these people getting in our way of being able to appreciate these special times.
And by the way, all this resentment and frustration about what other people do or what life throws our way only keeps us stuck in that feeling of, this didn't go the way that I wanted it to. It felt like a waste. I wasn't able to be present.
And of course, this happens on special occasions and celebrations, but it also happens on a day-to-day basis, in those moments where we're probably not even as conscious about wanting to stay present, because we're just caught up in the day-to-day of our lives. We're focused on the errands we have to run or the things we need to get our kid to do. We're so busy, focused on the minutiae of our day.
I don't think many of us take the time to decide to be present on a Monday, to just be with yourself, present in your life, going through your day. You know, you hear about people who find out they have some kind of terminal diagnosis, and all of a sudden their priorities in life become very clear. They drop all the shoulds and the have-tos, and really focus on what's most important.
Or at least when you read what people write about in those moments, that's the mindset they try to be in. I think one thing that strikes me in my life quite a bit is that I have no idea how things will play out. I have no idea how long I'll be here.
I have no idea how long I have with the people I love. And I'd like to keep that in mind, because I don't want to wait for those terrible forks in the road in life to remember what my priorities are, what's really important. But again, the busyness of day-to-day life often keeps us from really appreciating how precious life really is.
And not only that, but have you ever noticed how often throughout your typical day, you're actually disappointed by how things turn out? I don't even think we always recognize that we have a hope or an expectation until we feel that twinge of, oh, that is not how I wanted that to go. From the disappointment you might feel in yourself because you hit snooze on the alarm three times, to the interaction you had with your kid in the morning that didn't quite go the way you hoped. Maybe it's the traffic on the way to work or to the airport that you hoped would be smoother.
Or maybe it was a friend who didn't get back to you when you texted. There are so many micro-moments of disappointment we experience every single day. And I was thinking about this the other day because I often have these hopes and I find myself sitting in disappointment.
And my first instinct is often to just tell myself, well, maybe I shouldn't have hoped for that thing. Maybe I was wrong for setting my hopes up too high. Maybe if I'd been more realistic about what I wanted, if I'd been more realistic that this probably wasn't going to go the way that I wanted it to, then I wouldn't feel disappointed right now.
Like, if I could just have better gauged what I thought was really going to happen, then maybe I would be able to say, oh, okay, so reality matched my expectations. It worked out the way I thought it would. But that's like assuming we should have been able to predict the future.
Look, when our hopes and expectations are based on outcomes that we can actually create, like if I hope I'll wake up and go to the gym, then that's actually something I should be able to have control over. I can put that into action. If I don't follow through, then it makes sense that I'd be disappointed in myself.
But when my hopes are tied to something I can't control, like hoping my son will have dinner with me tonight, that's different. I can certainly invite him to dinner. I can cook the dinner.
I might even want to remind him or have the urge to guilt him into staying home. But at the end of the day, the decision of whether or not he has dinner at home tonight is in his hands. And I also get to be disappointed in that moment if reality doesn't match my hopes.
The question is, can you be present with yourself in those moments, even when you feel disappointed? It doesn't sound fun, I know, but it's also the truth. This is the reality of life right now. It's not always going to match the predictions you had in your head, which were based really on nothing more than your wishes or your hopes or your best guesses.
Being present in those moments means being very aware of what you make it mean when your hopes don't match reality. Because in the case of my son, in these last few weeks before he goes to college, it would be very easy for me to make his choices about how he's spending his time mean that he doesn't want to spend time with me, that he's not prioritizing me or the family, or that he's being selfish, or that he's spending time with people he shouldn't be spending time with. All of that energy, all of that judgment, is really just me saying he should be doing what I want him to be doing.
I mean, that's the truth, right? We want our hopes and expectations to match reality, and when they don't, our mind offers us a story about what it means. And often it means something kind of terrible, something about our relationship with our kid, or what someone else thinks about us, what we think about ourselves. We want to be present, but only if the moment turns out the way that we hoped.
But my friend, the art of being present actually doesn't require the moment to be perfect. In fact, it actually requires us to stop fighting reality and come back to the truth of what's happening right now. And this is exactly what my client did so beautifully as she leaned into her intention to be present during her daughter's wedding.
The intention she reminded herself of throughout that experience was, I don't want to miss this. That simple phrase became her anchor. It helped her stay in intention, not just hoping the experience would be special and meaningful, but actively creating that meaning for herself.
As I thought about the power of what she created, there were three things I think my client did so beautifully that allowed her to step into this version of herself. The first was that she was so clear on her why. There was not one part of her that wasn't fully committed and very clear about what she wanted to create for herself in the experience of her daughter's wedding.
Being present was like her North Star. She wanted to show up with love and the ability to stay calm and grounded no matter what happened. She realized that in a wedding with so many moving parts and different personalities, there would be a lot of room for error.
So she was totally realistic about not needing everything to go perfectly. But no matter what happened, she wanted to stay connected to what mattered most to her, which was celebrating her daughter and fully being in the experience of the moment. The second thing she did that was so powerful was she was willing to do the work to understand what could potentially get in the way ahead of time.
She was willing to explore whatever expectations she had of other people or things she was depending on that were outside of her control or even her own judgments. She was willing to be honest with herself about all of it in advance so that she could decide how she wanted to show up in the face of potential frustrations or disappointments. And this honestly allowed her to work through those expectations and judgments in a way that allowed her to make decisions, really to set boundaries in advance so that she knew exactly how she would show up for herself throughout the experience.
The third thing my client did was she was willing to go into the experience understanding that part of being present is being willing to experience the full spectrum of human emotions. Because of course she was hoping to experience joy and love and pride and so many beautiful emotions, but she knew there was also potential for her to experience other emotions, like maybe frustration, disappointment, or even anxiety, because she had so many moving parts to manage. So she decided ahead of time to expect all of it and to allow that to be okay, really to acknowledge that this is the reality of life and the meaning of being present in it.
And because of all of this work, she told me after the wedding that she did not miss a thing. She was present for all of it, fully alive to the whole experience of being a mom celebrating one of the most monumental moments of her child's life. The beauty of what my beautiful client created for herself was so inspiring to me and it really got me thinking about this mindset, that I don't want to miss this, and how powerfully it applies to this entire confusing, emotional, transitional chapter of motherhood.
Because whether your child is already pulling away or you're approaching that moment when they leave for college, it's so easy to miss the life that you're living right now. Maybe your teen barely speaks to you, or you feel like every interaction is tense and painful. You keep trying to connect or get through to your kid, but you end up feeling constantly rejected or just frustrated, maybe even resentful.
Or maybe, like me, you're standing on the brink of the empty nest, staring down the quiet that's coming and already feeling the ache of it or the inevitability and change of it, even if a part of you is looking forward to it and the opportunities ahead for both you and your child. Whatever this season looks like for you, here's what I want to offer. So often we can spend so much time fighting the reality of our lives, wanting it to be different, dreading the future, stuck in the worst case scenarios, maybe even regretting the past, that we miss the moment in front of us right now.
You can find yourself so stuck in the muck of anxiety and frustration or dread, your natural instinct is to want to get out of those feelings. Because we often blame the circumstances of our lives for the way that we feel, we spend a lot of effort and energy trying to change those circumstances, often trying to change other people, or trying to change some aspect of our lives so that it feels better, so that we don't have to be stuck in pain. So right now I'm standing on the brink of a moment where both of my boys will be out of the house.
And there's a part of me that's very conscious of the reality that in those first few weeks, the house is going to feel really empty. I'm going to miss the space my youngest takes up in our day-to-day life. I'm also very aware of my perception that this transition marks the end of a really meaningful chapter in my life, the one where I'm a mom with kids at home.
All of us experience this moment or this experience of motherhood in different ways. Some of us are thrilled and loving our experience of motherhood or looking forward to the empty nest. And some of us feel anxious about what's going to be next, what's going to happen for our kids and for us.
However you feel about this moment in motherhood, it is real and it's valid. But it's also entirely shaped by the way you perceive it. And it should be, right? We're all different.
We all experience it differently. But what's interesting when it comes to the empty nest is that we can tend to think about this transition well before it happens. We can anticipate the emptiness.
We worry about the change. We can even dread it. And those emotions start to overshadow the time we still have with our kids at home.
Because we're already in the emotion we think we'll feel in the future. So if you're thinking ahead to that moment that they'll leave, if you're imagining how empty the house will feel, or thinking about how lost you'll be when that day comes, then you're already feeling the pain of that right now. I've worked with so many clients who still have a kid at home and they're already deep in the pain of the loss before their kid even leaves.
And then fast forward when the real moment comes, they realize, I spent so much time feeling this ahead of time. And it didn't actually change my experience when that moment came. I wonder if sometimes a part of us does this because we don't fully believe we'll be able to handle the pain when it comes.
So it's almost like we try to prepare ourselves ahead of time. Like maybe if I can process it now, it won't feel so bad then. The truth is, it doesn't work.
You just end up feeling whatever emotion you're going to be feeling in the future, but also all that dread in advance. What would it be like to just let yourself be sad when the time comes? Or to just feel disappointment when things don't turn out the way that you hope? Because here I am, my son's still at home. I could focus on him being gone in September, or even that we're not having dinner together as often as I'd like.
Or I could focus on the reality that he's still with me now, every single day. I get to see him, I get to hug him, I get to see his beautiful smile. He is here with me now.
Look, even while I think about my son and I see him connecting with friends and really engaged in his life, I notice the feeling of disappointment when I ask him if he's free for dinner and he says, I'm not sure, or probably not. The first thought that comes to my head is, I don't have much time left with you. And that sense of fleetingness of time is so real.
But in those moments, I also have a choice. I can either fight reality, stay stuck in the hurt and disappointment fueled by a narrative in my head that he's not making more time for me. I could also waste the moments we do have together, guilting him into making a commitment to be with me.
Or I can simply love my son and be present in the moments I truly do have with him. So this is the choice I am making every day. Instead of nagging him about when he's going to spend time with me for dinner, I give him a big hug and I just say, tell me about your day.
This is the moment I have. Can I let it be enough? Because the truth is, I don't want to miss this. My friend, your life is full of a sum of these precious little moments.
And every single second you have an opportunity to be present. You can choose to demand that the moment look a certain way, fighting against the reality of what is. Or you can be here now, looking for evidence that everything you truly need is here for you, if you're just willing to find it.
I think one thing that's really interesting to consider is that we don't always get honest with ourselves about why we want what we want in our life. For example, you might say, I want to be present. I want to connect with my kid.
I want to know that they're safe, that they're doing well. But what you really mean is, I want to be present in the version of the moment of my life that I hope will be true. When our kids get married, we want to be in the moment where everyone is happy, where everything is going as planned and where nothing is tense or stressful or awkward.
When our kids head off to college, we want them to be excited for it. But we also want them to spend time with us before they leave. We want them to show us that they love us and to appreciate everything we've done for them.
When we're our kids in the day-to-day of their life, we also want them to feel like they care about us, that they're doing okay and on the right path. This is the version of reality we really want to be present for. But life just doesn't turn out that way all the time.
Being present isn't about feeling grateful just because reality matched your hopes and expectations. Being present is actually being willing to be in this moment, whatever comes. This is what my client did so beautifully at her daughter's wedding.
She was so clear about why it mattered to be present. She made peace with the possibility of disappointment and was willing to experience the whole thing. Joy, chaos, imperfection.
And she decided ahead of time to not make any of it mean that something had gone wrong. Being present doesn't require things to go your way. It requires you to stop waiting for them to.
Because when we make our disappointment or frustration with our lives mean that we can't be in the moment, we're essentially giving up the connection we have to our present life as if someone else is taking it away from us. But you are the one fighting reality in that moment. You are the one thinking it should be different.
But what if you didn't? Imagine being in a moment, whether it's a big event or just a regular Tuesday, and noticing what's happening, feeling that sadness or disappointment or even frustration, and simply recognizing, all right, I wanted this to go differently. Could you imagine letting that be okay? Could you hold space for that feeling without turning it into a problem? Look, you always get to respond to life, to make your next best decision about how you want to show up. Being present doesn't need to mean you're passive with life.
It just means being willing to feel what's actually happening, even when it's not what you wanted. It means holding space for your experience without rushing to change it or push it away. But it's not about doing nothing.
It's choosing to respond intentionally rather than react automatically from feelings of frustration, anxiety, and even dread. It means being alive to what's true and meaningful in your life. Because the truth is, this moment, even with all of its imperfection, is the only one you have.
So don't miss it, my friend. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
