NAVIGATING COLLEGE DROP-OFF, SIX MINDSET SHIPS FOR MOMS LAUNCHING TEENS | EP. 171
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
What if the hardest part of college move-in day isn't actually the goodbye, but everything you're telling yourself along the way? In this episode, I'm going to unpack six hidden beliefs that can quietly shape how you experience this transition, and not in a good way. I'll explore why these beliefs leave us moms feeling anxious, guilty, or completely lost as we enter this transition. You'll learn how to spot the mindset traps underlying these beliefs and stay grounded and at peace, even as your child walks away.
In this episode, you'll take away a simple, powerful question you can use to calm your mind and reconnect with what really matters to you. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend.
So once again, the summer is flying by. And for those of us with college kids, that move-in date is once again looming. And I want to normalize something, because each one of us experienced college drop-off differently.
And this is 100% okay. For some of us, this might be our first drop-off, and it's surreal. You're facing so much unknown.
Everything from navigating the fact that now your kid is the one in charge of signing themselves up for stuff, and you don't even have access to all of the information to help them navigate it. But you're also navigating a whole new emotional experience. How will your kid handle this? How will I handle it? And those weeks before drop-off, you're making lists and trying to think of everything you can to make their transition comfortable.
But you're also trying to appreciate those final weeks with your kid at home. And that's not always easy if they're out with friends all the time or just not interested in sharing with you how they're doing. It's like you're not even sure how you're supposed to feel.
Am I sad? Excited? Relieved? Proud? Nervous? Exhausted? Or honestly, all of the above? For others of us, this might be the second or third time navigating drop-off. Or you could be on round 9 or 10, depending on how many kids you have. And while you might have a much better sense of what to expect logistically, emotionally, it can still be challenging.
I mean, first, if you have multiple kids, every kid is different. So the experience you have with one doesn't always translate to the other. I find both of my boys are always teaching me different lessons in motherhood.
But even with your kid who's a junior or senior in college, you start navigating different stresses. They're out of campus housing, and now you're dealing with rent and coordinating housing with other 19 or 20-year-olds. They're starting to face the reality that college actually goes by really quick.
And before long, they're going to have to figure out what comes next. Honestly, things have gotten so competitive for these kids. Many of them are worried about getting internships and even job offers pretty early in their college experience.
It's like what happened to college being a time when you got to be independent and just figure out who you are. It feels like now kids get off the hamster wheel of getting into college only to get on another hamster wheel of finding a job or getting into that master's program. Meanwhile, life is expensive.
And maybe our kids aren't as motivated to figure out what comes next as we'd like them to be. We're envisioning having them back home after graduation. And as much as we love them, there's a point where we think they need to figure out how to be on their own.
All this to say, it feels like there's a lot riding on what happens with our kids after we drop them off. We want them to thrive. And we want to feel like we did enough to prepare them for that.
But we also want to know that we're going to be okay too. So here we are on the brink of college drop-off and we're feeling a range of emotions. Anxiety, pride, relief, sadness, and maybe even guilt for not feeling more sad or for feeling too sad.
It's so easy to judge our own reactions. But my friend, whatever you're feeling is not only normal, it makes perfect sense. You've spent 18 or more years building a life around being there for your child.
So this liminal space where we're preparing to drop our kids off at college, it's not just about their transition, it's a big transition for us too. And it feels like this transition is ongoing and ever-evolving throughout our kids' college experience. So here I am preparing to drop my baby off at college.
My oldest is headed into his junior year and with him I know what to expect. But I also don't. He's actually already moved in because he's been doing an internship at school for the summer and luckily he was able to get access to his room early.
But he's now renting off-campus housing with a group of somewhat random people. He's got to figure out how to feed himself and he's already gotten his bike stolen. When I talk to him he tells me about how he's worried about what he's going to do after he graduates.
And I hear the anxiety in his voice as he talks about it. And even though I see him navigating all of it beautifully, I still worry. But there's also so little I can do to help.
Then there's my baby. He's this big, beautiful personality and it's going to be hard to see him go. I already know it's going to be hard.
The house is going to feel so empty. And I'm going to worry about him too. It's actually amazing how much space our kids take up in our lives even when they're not around.
They live in our thoughts, in our worries, even in the loss we feel as our day-to-day rhythm changes. Even when they're off doing their own thing, they're still at the center of so much of what we think about and how we plan our life and what we care about. Last year on this podcast, I shared an episode called Not More College Move-In Advice.
And in that episode, I took the well-meaning advice we often get from friends and relatives about this transition and I reframed it through the lens of mindset work. So many of you reached out telling me how much that episode resonated with you. So I thought I would revisit this concept with a different version of college drop-off reframes, but this time through the lens of our own internal beliefs, really many of the shoulds that we bring with us into the college drop-off.
In exploring this, I want to invite you to consider how you can think of this college drop-off as an opportunity not to let go of your kid, but of the pressure to get all of it right. So today I'm going to share six of these beliefs that you might not even be conscious that you're having, but they could be driving how you feel about this transition. The first one is, if my kid struggles, it means I've let them down.
Really be honest with yourself about this one for a minute, because I think sometimes we take for granted that, of course, if our kid struggles, that we're going to feel worried about that. But what's also very often the case is that what we have is a deeper fear that if they do struggle, it means we've somehow failed them. Look, we've poured so much into raising our kids, not just time and energy, but love and attention and worry, really doing everything we could to set them up for success.
We've tried to help them feel safe and to guide them. Really everything we've done up to this point has been geared towards this moment where they're ready to launch. But then we get here and we're not quite sure they're ready.
Maybe we're afraid they're not yet responsible enough to keep up with their schoolwork without us keeping track or keeping them on task. Or we might be worried that they'll struggle emotionally, maybe be homesick or have trouble making friends, or that they'll have that dreaded, terrible roommate. You actually might not even realize how much you make your kid's experience about you.
And I'm not accusing you. I do this too, my friend. We see them struggle or even worry about their potential struggle, and then we think, I should have done something different.
I should have prepared them better. Or maybe I shouldn't have helped them out so much. You immediately go to the belief that there's something that you could have done to prevent this struggle, that your kid's emotional state, or how well they do at school, or even just how well they behave, that it reflects back on the quality of your parenting.
It's almost as if their struggle is a mirror, that it reflects your success or failure. But the truth is, your child is stepping into something completely new, taking on new and increasingly complex challenges, meeting new people, figuring out a new system of expectations, really having to do everything from feeding themselves and doing their own laundry to facing the reality of life that success isn't just handed to you. And all of this can be absolutely overwhelming.
And that's true even when our kids are doing everything right. And the fact is that our kids' experience of this, however challenging, is part of what helps them grow. As hard as it is to watch, your child's growth doesn't come from getting it all right.
It actually comes from facing the things that are hard. And it's in that struggle that they learn what they're capable of. It's really the process they need to take to learn what it's like to be responsible for themselves.
Look, the reality is, as moms, we just don't want to see our kids suffer. And when they do, we feel powerless. So what's interesting is that instead of just sitting without powerlessness, understanding that that's an uncomfortable emotion for us, our brain tries to take responsibility.
It's like our brain tells us, maybe if it's my fault, then there's some way that I can get involved and fix it to take away this powerlessness and my kids' pain. And I've seen so many moms struggle with this subconscious belief because it creates guilt and regret and also this urgent need to step in. But with that comes anxiety, because the reality is that so much about what our kids struggle with while they're at college are things that we actually can't fix at all.
We can't take away their loneliness or force them to study. We can't make them open up to us or keep them from skipping class. But when we think it's our job to keep them from struggling, and we're powerless to do that, it leaves us feeling helpless and responsible at the same time.
And that's a pretty terrible combination. So my invitation here is to notice this responsibility you're putting on yourself to help prevent your kids' struggle. If your kid has a hard time in college, whether that's with friends or classes, loneliness, or just being responsible for themselves, know that this doesn't mean you failed or let them down.
It just means they're doing the hard work of becoming who they're going to be. So if this thought comes up for you, that you worry that if they struggle, it will mean that you failed, ask yourself, can I allow their discomfort without making it mean that I've failed? Here's the second belief we sometimes have without even realizing it, that I shouldn't let them see how sad I am because it might make them feel guilty. On the one hand, it sounds like this is a really considerate intention.
We don't want to make this moment about us until we think we're protecting our kids by staying strong, even though the truth is that we're feeling a big mix of emotions. Pride, sadness, grief, maybe even fear. And again, you can feel this mix of emotions every time you say goodbye to your kid, whether it's your oldest or your youngest, the first goodbye or the last.
There can be a part of you that wants to keep it together for their sake. You want to send them off with confidence and not guilt. You know you don't want to make it harder for them to go.
But there's an assumption here that your sadness will make your kid feel bad. You don't want to add to the weight of what they're going through. But here's the challenge.
When you try to push down your emotions and just tell everyone I'm fine, but you're not really fine, your kids will feel it. Maybe they can't quite tell what's going on, but they sense it. Your words don't quite match your energy, and that can actually add more of an emotional burden on your kid than just being honest about how you really feel.
You can also send the message that sadness or any vulnerable emotion should be hidden, that it's too much. They could even learn the message that they shouldn't open up when they're feeling overwhelmed or homesick. But even more, I think what I've learned is that this is a real moment where you have an opportunity to really open up to your kid, to let them know this is hard for me because I love you so much.
You can express that you're proud of them and excited for them, but also that it's hard. That's the kind of emotional honesty that actually builds trust and connection. It shows our kids what it looks like to feel our emotions deeply, but also how to move forward in the midst of them.
Now, I'm not necessarily talking about sobbing and holding on to them, but what if, instead of hiding your emotions, what if you gave yourself permission to just be real about them? That you can feel sad and still be supportive. That you can model what it looks like to have a full range of human emotions. But you can also do this without making your kid responsible for your emotional well-being.
And this last part is key because while it can be really beautiful and honest to feel like you can be open about what you're feeling with your child, you also don't want them to feel as if they caused your pain. And you don't want them to feel as if they need to be responsible for fixing it for you. So the real question for you as you figure out how to navigate expressing yourself and your feelings during college drop-off is, how can I be emotionally honest without expecting my kid to be responsible for my feelings and my emotional well-being? Here's the third underlying belief.
If they don't call or text, it must mean they've moved on or forgotten about me. Okay, my friend, this can be a subtle belief we hold on to whether our kid is starting freshman year or senior year or even beyond. You help them move in, you hug them goodbye, maybe you cry a little bit in the car, and then you wait.
You expect a check-in, a quick text, a call just to say they got settled or met a new friend, something. But then hours pass, maybe days. Maybe when they finally do respond, it's a one-word reply.
Or they leave you on read while you see that they post a story on Instagram. You try to tell yourself they're busy, but the truth is your mind goes to the worst case, that there's something wrong, that they don't even miss me, or they don't care. Or worse, that something's really wrong and they're not talking to me about it.
Look, being separated from your kid is a big transition. You used to be able to check in on them by just knocking on their door or seeing them at the dinner table. You had daily visual confirmation of how they were doing.
And honestly, sometimes those daily interactions didn't always make you feel connected, but at least they gave you opportunities to connect. Now we don't have that same access. You don't see their face unless they're willing to FaceTime you.
You don't know if they're eating well or sleeping enough or feeling lonely unless they tell you, and often they don't. So we're often left in the dark, wondering, guessing, and hoping, waiting for some type of interaction. And it's not just about the fact that we miss them.
It's that our entire way of relating to our kids has changed. So in the face of this, what clients will often tell me is that they want their kids to text them back or call them with a certain cadence, that we need to have phone conversations a certain number of times a week, or that they need to text me back within a few hours, that it's just polite to do that. And it's not that any of this is wrong, but underneath these rules is often a need for reassurance, really a desire to feel like you still matter in your kid's life.
And of course you want this, but these rules around communication can be a way of trying to soothe your own discomfort. And again, this isn't to say you can't talk to your kids about when and how often you hope to talk to them. It's totally normal to want connection, but if the energy behind that is fear, driven by thoughts like, if they don't text me, maybe they don't care, then even the rules won't actually make you feel better.
Because what you're really craving isn't a daily call. It's a sense of emotional security, a sense that you're still important in your kid's life, and you're using that weekly call or daily text as proof. But what happens when they seem disinterested on the phone, or when they only text back one word? You've technically gotten what you've asked for, but not really what you want.
Look, I know how painful it can be. The part of you that used to be in constant touch and feeling connected now feels totally disconnected and maybe even invisible. And that can make you question your role and your importance and the connection you have with your kid.
But consider this. Your relationship isn't measured or defined by how often your kid texts. It's actually built on almost two decades of you being there for them every step of the way, and them knowing the truth of that.
Just because now they're taking some of those steps out there on their own, doesn't mean that the core of your relationship isn't as strong as it's always been. Your child loves you. Can you let that be enough? So if you find yourself thinking about whether or not they're going to call, and that that might mean something if they don't, ask yourself, can I trust the connection I have with my child is still there, even when I can't see it, or when they're not connecting back with me in the way that I hope? So I've explored three thoughts that relate to our kids, and these next three are about the way we relate to ourselves in this transition.
Belief number four is, I should be happy. This is a big, exciting milestone for my kid. If you've been following me for a while, you know how I feel about shoulds.
But this should can feel especially heavy because in many ways, it's true. College is a major milestone, whether your child is just starting, or going back, or even getting close to graduation. You're navigating so many major shifts.
Wherever you are, wherever your child is, you have both worked really hard to get them there. Think about all of the ways you've supported them academically, emotionally, logistically, for decades. And of course, think of all of the ways your kid has grown and shown that they're ready for this moment, this next step.
So of course you're proud and excited for the possibility of what lies ahead for them. But as I've been talking about alongside that joy and pride, you could also just be feeling sad or a little lost. I was speaking with a client just yesterday and she said, it's not even that I'm sad about my daughter leaving, although I know I'll miss her.
I've gotten used to the reality that she's going to college and I'm really happy for her. But now I'm just feeling lost. And remember, we all experience this transition differently based on our own lens, our own perspective of what's true for us.
So you could be sad in this moment about so many different things, saying goodbye to your child, missing that close connection, or just saying goodbye to the comfort of having the role of motherhood anchor you in your life. And the hard truth is, these feelings can come up every year in a different way. It's not even just about that first year of drop-off.
But with this thought, I should be happy, now you're shaming yourself for your emotions. You're basically saying to yourself, why am I so sad? What's wrong with me? As if being sad or feeling lost in this moment isn't an acceptable place to be. And this can feel especially true if it's not your first drop-off, because you're basically saying to yourself, why isn't this easier for me by now? But here's something to consider.
Joy and sadness aren't mutually exclusive. Your heart can actually hold both at the same time. You can feel overjoyed for your kid and still feel a deep sense of grief.
One doesn't cancel out the other. In fact, I'd argue that your sadness is also a reflection of your love. You're feeling the loss of something deeply meaningful.
The grief and sadness make so much sense alongside the joy and love and pride. These judgments we have for ourselves about how we're feeling aren't just about that drop-off moment itself. For some of us, it hits us on the ride home.
Or maybe it's weeks later when the house is quiet and you realize you have so much more space than you used to. Or to be honest, maybe you don't feel sad at all and then you judge yourself for that. My friend, there is truly no right way to feel about this transition.
So if this thought is rattling around in your head that you should feel a certain kind of way, I invite you to give yourself permission to feel exactly what's true for you. What if none of it is wrong? Ask yourself, what if I stopped judging the mix of emotions I'm having and just let my emotional experience be what it is? Okay, here's thought number five. I should have a plan for what's next.
Okay, again, this thought is so normal and understandable. After all the build-up to college, all of the applications and the emotions of drop-off, then you find yourself asking, now what? As moms, we can feel this internal pressure to figure out our purpose or to jump into something new. It's like you showed yourself into thinking, I should be using this time to do something big or I need to figure out who I am now outside of being a mom.
And while all of that can be true in a really powerful way, because this transition does open up the door for us in ways that can create so much growth and possibility for us, it's also a lot of pressure to put on yourself to think that now the right thing to do is to create this big new purpose or to get a job or some new hobby. In fact, what I've noticed is that many women get to the stage and they're so focused on filling the time with stuff that they don't even take the time to stop and ask themselves what they really even want. Like, what problem am I solving for here? In fact, I've had a number of clients come to me saying, I need to find a job.
And what we uncover in our conversations is that they're really thinking, I need to prove I'm valuable by getting someone else to pay me. Essentially, that the way I spend my time isn't valuable unless I'm compensated for it. And look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting a job.
But when the motivation behind that choice is based on a need to prove your worth, it's worth taking the time to consider that your value and your purpose aren't actually found in a paycheck. In fact, plenty of people get paid and don't feel like they have purpose or value. You might be one of them, someone who's in a full-time job who can't stand it and doesn't feel particularly purposeful in that job.
The truth is your value, your worthiness, they're all based on the thoughts that you have about yourself and the role you play in your own life. You can work full-time or part-time or volunteer or frankly not work at all, and none of that determines your worth. What matters is what you make all of that mean.
Essentially, do you believe that your time and your presence matters, regardless of whether you're getting paid? Imagine instead of rushing to fill your time, you gave yourself permission to ask, what do I want now? What would feel meaningful to me? What role can I play in my life that aligns with the values and what matters to me? So here's the last thought, number six. This is the end of a chapter of motherhood. I need to prepare to let go.
Again, this thought feels so true. And the reality is things are changing. Your day-to-day role as a mom is inevitably changing as your kid leaves home.
So you start to say to yourself, this is it. I need to emotionally prepare for them to be gone. I have to let go of the purpose of being a mom.
And I do want to honor the very real sadness and grief of saying goodbye to this chapter. Again, whatever you're feeling right now, it makes perfect sense based on how you're thinking about this transition. But here's what I want to offer.
While the day-to-day logistics of motherhood are changing, your role as a mom and your relationship with your big kid, that is not ending. In fact, this whole concept of letting go can be really confusing because I don't think you have to let go of your child ever. And what I mean by that is you don't have to let go of your connection.
The truth is your feelings of connection don't come from how many times your kid calls or texts or even how often you see each other. In fact, your feelings of connection come from the way you think about your relationship with your kid. We often talk about loving our kids unconditionally.
And this is the moment that I think it's so helpful to lean on this concept. Because truly, you know that you will love your kid no matter what they do or how much they mess up. You believe in the strength of that love.
So what's stopping you from believing in your connection in the same way? Look, it's possible that your kid might not call or text as often as you'd like. I know that was true for me. And it could even be that your kid will seem distant or disinterested in connecting.
Or honestly, they might just be caught up in their new life at school, and that can feel heartbreaking. But it doesn't have to mean that you're not connected. It just means that they're in a chapter where they need some space to figure things out.
And I know it can feel hurtful when our kids don't seem to understand or even to care about how their silence impacts us. But at the same time, they might not yet have the tools to navigate their uncertain world and increasing independence while also showing us that we still matter. But what if we didn't require them to prove their love to us? This doesn't mean ignoring your feelings or pretending you're not hurt.
It just means recognizing that you have the power to feel connected to your kid no matter how often they reach out. Connection isn't actually something your kid gives to you. It's something you create in how you think about your child and how you show up as a mom in this chapter.
And this is always available to you, my friend. As you prepare for this season's college drop-off and you're judging your emotions, questioning your role, or wondering what comes next, please know that you are not alone. And there is no right way to feel in this moment.
Maybe you're worried that your kid is going to struggle, and if they do, you worry it'll mean that you've failed. Or you could be trying to sadness because you don't want your big kid to feel guilty or worried about you. You could already be worried about how often you're going to hear from your kid and tempted to make that mean something about your connection.
Or you could be telling yourself you should feel more excited, or that you should already have a plan for your next chapter. Or maybe you're grieving the end of a major chapter of your life and you're telling yourself something beautiful is ending. As hard as this feels, all of it is normal, and none of it means anything is wrong with you.
These thoughts often come from love, but also fear. You are in a moment of transition that makes you hyper-aware of the uncertainty and changeability of life, and so your brain is trying to make sense of all of it. And so what our brains often do is that they default to things like worst-case scenario thinking and taking things personally, reaching for control and stability and things out of ourselves, all in an effort to try to make ourselves feel more safe and more certain.
But the problem is these ways of thinking don't actually make us feel safe. They keep us stuck in fear and guilt or the pressure to move on. So my friend, if you're feeling uncertain or overwhelmed and unsure of how to navigate this transition, I want you to know that this is exactly the kind of work we do inside of my one-on-one coaching program, MOM 2.0. I work with you to untangle these ways of thinking that are keeping you stuck in anxiety and guilt and sadness, so that you build the skill set to empower yourself to feel grounded, confident, and connected, no matter what's going on with your kid.
I invite you to reach out to me so we can explore what that could look like for you. My friend, this moment doesn't have to be about letting go of your child, but it could be about letting go of the beliefs that are leaving you feeling powerless and uncertain. These beliefs that their struggle mean that you have failed, or that your feelings are too much, or that their silence means that you're disconnected, that you should be happy, that you need a plan, that motherhood as you know it is over.
And my friend, none of that is the truth. What is true is that you can feel sadness and deep pride and joy. You can give space, but also feel close.
You can be deeply uncertain and still trust yourself to do what you need to do to move forward. And you have the opportunity to rewrite what this next chapter looks like without guilt, without pressure, and without losing who you are or your connection to your big kid in the process. This college drop-off isn't the end of anything that matters.
It's a chance to deepen your connection with your child and yourself. The only question for you is, what's standing in your way? Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
