THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS AND ADULT KIDS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK. "MY KID IS LAZY."
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Welcome to Things Moms Are Ashamed They Think, a special series inside the Almost Empty Nest Podcast. If you've ever had a thought about your teen or adult kid that makes you feel like a terrible person, this series is for you.
In every episode, I'll be naming one of those honest but unspoken thoughts out loud, and I'll unpack what's really going on underneath. Because these thoughts don't make you a bad mom, they make you human. And when you learn how to shift the way you relate to these thoughts inside your head, everything changes.
Let's dive in. Hello, my friend. Let's talk about this thought, my teen is lazy.
First of all, if you've ever thought this about your teen or adult kid, it feels so true, right? They sleep until noon when they're home, and they still seem tired. You've asked them three times to take out the trash, and it's still sitting there. During the school year, when they have missing assignments, they don't seem to be concerned about it at all.
They're constantly on their phone, gaming, or talking to friends, or just doing God knows what locked up in their room. And so you find yourself thinking, they're lazy. They don't seem to have any motivation, or they just don't care.
Then we go to, they're wasting their potential. And where we can often go with that is, how are you ever going to make it in the real world? Now, these are thoughts that, as a mom, you're not necessarily ashamed that you think, but you're ashamed that you have to think them. It's like, if my kid would just do what I ask, or make a little bit of effort, then I wouldn't have to feel this way.
Because look, you don't like judging your kid. You have so many better things to do in life than sit around and think these negative thoughts. But the reality is, you're worried.
You'd like to think that they're capable of doing more than the bare minimum. And maybe you've even seen evidence in the past, or in some areas of your kid's life, that there are things they do seem to care about. There's just not always the right things.
It feels so frustrating to believe your kid is capable of more. But when you see them not making any effort, it's like it makes no sense. You try to encourage them to show a little initiative, even to just get out of bed and get a little fresh air, and you get nothing.
They ignore you or push back. It can feel like they're being willfully unmotivated. So first I want to say, if you've ever felt this way, you are absolutely not alone.
I talk to women all the time who are facing these exact circumstances, and it's a challenging place to be. You love your kid, and you see their potential. Or you see what could be possible for them if they just put in a little effort.
Add to that, you feel like there's just a few things you ask them to do around the house, and they act like you're asking so much of them. I remember when my youngest was in middle school. He was gaming all of the time, like every spare minute.
Then COVID hit, and it was like my worst nightmare. Because now he was online all of the time. And he was even gaming during the times when he was supposed to be in class.
I remember one morning waking up early, and I heard noises in his room. And I found out that he had been up gaming all night. And it was a school night.
I was absolutely livid. It seemed to me like he was addicted to the games. Plus, it wasn't clear that he was putting any effort into school.
I worried about his health, sitting in a chair 24 hours a day. So I tried everything. I tried putting limits on his screen time.
But of course, that became complicated during COVID, because he needed to be online at least for school. Plus, then we'd get into these battles. Mom, can I have 30 more minutes? It was constant, the negotiating, threatening consequences, telling him he had to get off the games and go do something more productive.
Honestly, I found myself thinking more than once, this kid is lazy. It was like, what's happening? Why doesn't he care? But then my mind was also going to a deeper fear, which is, what if this is who he is? Or what if this is just a glimpse of who he's going to be? A lazy, irresponsible kid who only cares about gaming. Our brains go to that future and the impact of the choices our kids are making right now.
The behavior and characteristics they have now. And what if this is proof that they're headed down the wrong path? Clearly, in these moments as moms, we're frustrated. But even more than that, we're scared.
Scared that our kid is going to slip through the cracks or fail to self-actualize. We're also afraid that we're failing to do our part to get them to care and be responsible in life. I've had quite a few moms I work with share with me the concept they feel like it's their responsibility to make their kids good humans.
So when you see evidence that your kid's not contributing to the household chores or putting any effort into their own responsibilities, you can't help but question if you're doing something wrong. Am I letting them get away with being lazy and irresponsible? Am I being too lenient here? And here's what's interesting to notice. When we're watching our kids and thinking they're lazy or irresponsible, these thoughts aren't just about what our kids are doing.
They're about how we feel watching it all happen. Let's start with frustration. Typically, we feel frustrated because we're thinking things like, they're not even trying.
And what we mean is, they should be. Or maybe we're thinking, how many times do I have to ask? So it's like their behavior is now making me have to do extra work. You could also be thinking, they have it so easy and they're still not doing anything.
It's like your mind sees this gap between what you know your kid is capable of and then what they're actually doing. You're measuring their effort against what your mind tells you they should be doing. And add to that the responsibility we feel to get them to live up to these expectations we have of them.
It's like the fact that they're lazy means we have to do extra work to get them to care. And of course, this creates our frustration and honestly some resentment, especially when we're the ones who end up picking up the slack when they don't do the chores or the things that we ask them to do. So that's the frustration.
But then we also feel fear because we're thinking things like, what if they're not ready to go out into the world and be responsible? What if they don't get into college or can't keep a job? Or what if they struggle as an adult? The truth is, we don't know how our kid's story is going to go. We don't have all the answers to whether or not they're ready or whether or not they're ever going to get motivated. And our brains hate uncertainty, especially in those areas of our life that mean so much to us.
So of course, our brains default to the worst case scenario because they're trying to solve for it now. We think if we don't push them harder, then they'll never succeed. But if we just let this slide, we're failing them, failing to teach them responsibility and how to live a productive and successful life.
So we feel frustrated, resentful, afraid. But we can also feel ashamed because we start thinking things like, this is probably my fault. I haven't been good about following through with consequences.
Or I shouldn't have let it get this bad. We start to take their behavior personally, like their effort or lack of effort is a reflection of us as moms, of our mistakes and our failures really are not enoughness. All of this frustration, fear, and shame starts to mix together.
We think our teen's behavior is the problem. But what's really happening is a big mess of emotions inside of us. And then the more powerless you feel to change what's happening with your kid, the more urgently your brain wants to label the problem and find somebody to blame.
Often your kid, but also yourself. So let's take a look at what's really happening in your brain when you have the thought, my teen is lazy. Because what looks like a judgment about them is actually your brain sensing danger and trying to find safety and regain control.
This is where mindset traps come in. They're not just negative thoughts, they're mental shortcuts your brain takes when it senses something's wrong and it's looking for solutions. Now, there are quite a few mindset traps that we can fall into when we're thinking our kids are lazy.
One is personalization, where you make their behavior mean something about you. Another is the comparison trap, where you measure your teen and yourself against other people. You start thinking about how other moms must have figured out some magic solution to get their kid to be responsible.
But I think the most misunderstood trap at play here is the illusion of control. Now, let me be clear. I know most of us bristle at the idea of being told we're controlling.
It feels like an accusation. In fact, our kids might have even accused us of being controlling and it feels kind of terrible. It sounds like we're micromanaging or overstepping, trying to dominate our kids' lives.
This is not at all what we want or intend, but that's also not what I'm talking about here. The illusion of control isn't about being a control freak. It's about the deep, almost unconscious belief that it's your job to make sure your teen gets it together.
That if they're lazy or unmotivated, you need to do something to fix it. And my friend, this trap comes from love. It comes from the weight of the responsibility you've carried since the day your kid was born.
So when your kid is gaming all day, blowing off homework, or showing zero initiative in their life, of course you want to step in and steer them in the right direction. The problem is that your brain, which is trying to make sense of something that feels uncertain and painful in your life, offers you a lie. It says, if I just say it the right way or take the right action, I can get my kid to change.
Or if they're not doing what they're supposed to do, it's just because I haven't done enough. This is the illusion of control. It's the lie that this is all on you.
That their motivation and their habits and their future are all your responsibility to carry until they show that they can be responsible on their own. When your brain falls into this trap, you either try harder to get them to do what they need to do, or you give up and feel like you've already failed. But here's the hard truth.
Your teen's choices and the way they show up in their life, this is all out of your control. You can guide them, you can support them, you can even set boundaries and follow through with consequences. You can do all of this perfectly, but you still cannot control their motivation or make them be responsible.
And believing that you should be able to just creates your anxiety, resentment, and guilt. And I know right about now you're thinking, but I can't just do nothing. If I stop trying, won't they just get worse? Won't I be giving up on them? But my friend, letting go of control doesn't mean letting go of your kid.
And it certainly doesn't mean doing nothing. It means getting clear on what's actually in your control and what's not. Let's talk about the cost of believing this thought, that my teen is lazy.
And look, I 100% get that this just feels like the truth. You've got all the evidence. If you and I were sitting together talking, I have no doubt that you could share all the details of all of the things your kid is not doing.
And I would believe you. I'm not discounting the truth of any of this. But when you believe that your kid being lazy is who they are, it shapes how you feel.
It shapes how you show up with your kid. And all of this starts to shape the quality of your relationship. Because look, when you believe your teen is lazy, and that, by the way, you need to do something to fix this or else it's going to have a serious impact on their future, of course you feel a mix of frustration and anxiety and even resentment because you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.
And now I have to be the one responsible for this to make sure you do what you need to do. But then those emotions drive how you show up. So you nag and micromanage.
You find yourself lecturing and spending time trying to come up with appropriate consequences, hoping that somehow if you take away the right privilege or tell them what they're doing wrong in the right way, then they'll say, Oh, right, mom, I see what you mean. I'll get right on it. But instead, your kid pushes back or ignores you entirely.
Every task or chore becomes a power of wills, a tug of war where you feel, frankly, kind of righteous because you know what they need to be doing and maybe that something's wrong with them if they're not getting it right. My friend, none of this is a judgment. I have been there too.
And I also know it feels terrible for you and your kid. Every interaction is filled with pressure and tension. And unfortunately, even though your efforts are well intentioned, they don't motivate your kid.
They only push them further away because if they feel judged or misunderstood or honestly like they're already failing in your eyes, it's hard for them to understand how to be successful. It's easier to avoid you or get defensive because they feel like you think they've already failed. Whereas in their mind, I'm willing to bet that most of the time they haven't in any way given up on themselves.
They just haven't quite figured out what their path to success looks like yet. And if they're honest, what they'd probably tell you is something like, mom, I don't really see what doing the dishes has to do with me being successful in life. Now, my friend, this is not at all to say you shouldn't ask your teen to help with the dishes.
But when these chores and the tasks you're trying to get them to do turn into World War III, it's an invitation to explore what your goal really is. Is this about having things your way? Or is it about helping your kid build the responsibility and follow through they'll need in life? Because if what you really need is help with a chore because you can't do it all, that's something you can clearly articulate. That's not about control, that's about partnership.
And when you approach it from that place, clearly articulating why this matters, it shifts how you show up. It moves the conversation from you're lazy to I need your help and here's why it matters. And this is where connection and accountability can actually grow.
My friend, the real cost of this thought that my kid is lazy is that it doesn't at all help your teen take ownership or find their motivation. Instead, it keeps you stuck in a cycle of trying to fix your kid and has the impact of pushing them further away. But there is another path and that's moving from trying to control your teen to leading with influence and intention.
It's shifting from you need to do this now or else to these are my expectations and here's how I'll follow through if they're not met and I love you no matter what. You get to set boundaries but you can do this from love rather than fear and frustration. And this changes everything, my friend.
This is a process I teach in my one-on-one coaching program, Mom 2.0. In this program, we uncover the hidden thoughts and mindset traps that are keeping you stuck in anxiety, control, and second-guessing with your teen and we replace them with a sense of grounded influence. My friend, I know you love your kid and you're trying your best to help them be everything you know they can be. You're not trying to control them.
You're trying to help them grow and self-actualize. But what we don't always realize is that we as moms take our own fear and responsibility into these conversations so that they become just as much about us as they are about our kids. This actually makes perfect sense.
We are in this with our kids. We would do anything for them. But when you start getting into power struggles, it's an invitation to understand where it's time to let go and lead with influence instead of your perception of what's right.
Let me leave you with this question. What would change both for you and your teen if you stopped trying to change their behavior and focused instead on who you want to be in this relationship? The truth is you can't force your teen to change. You can't make them care or try harder.
But you can decide how you show up from a place of calm confidence and with love that doesn't depend on their behavior. This is what creates real connection and lasting influence. And this is where your power lives, my friend.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
