WHY VACATION FEELS SO HARD FOR MOMS OF TEENS—AND WHAT LETS YOU RECONNECT | EP. 169
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
You plan the family vacation hoping for rest, fun, and maybe even a little connection with your big kid. But instead of long dinners and easy conversations, you find yourself wondering, why does this feel so hard? In this episode, I'll share the four reasons vacationing with teens is so emotionally exhausting. I'll help you see how your expectations are driving your experience.
And I'll also teach you how to shift out of resentment and feel present and connected while you're on vacation. If you've ever come home from a trip more drained than when you left, this one is definitely for you.
Hello, my friend.
Have you been on your summer vacation yet? Or maybe you're planning a few smaller trips or even a staycation. Don't you always go into it really hoping to have some fun, some time to relax, and even more some time to connect with your kids? I remember vacations when my boys were little. They were fun, but also exhausting.
It was like taking all of the stress of managing and entertaining on the road, having to worry about unfamiliar environments, and if you'd be able to find their favorite foods. Now that our kids are older, it feels like it should be a lot easier, right? And in many ways it is. We're not waking up at 5 a.m. trying to figure out how to entertain our kids in a hotel room or trying to keep them quiet if you're visiting a relative.
There's definitely not the same physical exhaustion anymore, but I think it can be surprising how much emotional exhaustion we can feel on vacation now that our kids are older. What you envision is the possibility of connecting more now that you have time together, away from the regular routine of your life. You hope for long dinners and those moments when everyone's just having fun and at ease together.
But then the reality looks a bit different. You're still getting the eye rolls, but now you're also fighting over the vacation plan. You're hoping to get out and enjoy the day, and your kid wants to stay in the room on their phone.
You get to meals, and no one's talking. Multiple times a day, you can find yourself wondering, why does this feel so hard? A few years ago, I took my boys on a spring break trip to Barcelona. For most of their childhood, we'd mostly gone on beach vacations.
Selfishly, that's my idea of a great vacation. Sitting on a beach and doing absolutely nothing while my boys were occupied and spending all day in the water. But now that the boys were older, it felt like it was time to do something a little bit different.
From the moment we landed, of course having taken the red eye, I was stressed. The boys were exhausted and complaining about their seats. I'd booked an amazing Airbnb, but we couldn't get into it for a few hours.
So we had to kill time walking around, everyone tired and grumpy. I still remember how on edge I felt. This pressure I felt to make sure everybody was happy.
We finally got into the Airbnb, and once we were settled, it was like, okay, now what are we doing? I had some ideas of what we could do, but I hadn't planned out any of the details. My oldest wanted to see every church and every historical landmark, but my youngest had absolutely no interest in doing any of that. So we'd finally compromise on some plan, but then when we weren't out exploring the city, everyone was back in their room, door closed, not engaging with each other.
My brain was overloaded with shoulds. We should be doing something fun. They should be getting up earlier.
We should be making a plan. Oh, and they should be more grateful. Do you ever feel like you make all of this effort to plan some amazing trip, only to feel like your team is put out? Like you're forcing them to be there? I remember there was a time on that vacation when I'd honestly had enough.
I forget what it was even, but I remember blowing up and I just left the Airbnb. We were supposed to be going somewhere and I was sick of the attitude and waiting around. So I just left.
I started walking down the street to blow off steam. I was hurt and frustrated. And honestly, it felt like such a shame that this was what our vacation was like now.
You feel such a sense of fleetingness of time with your big kids. All you really want to do is connect with them and get to appreciate the time that you have with them, especially on family trips. And then it feels like they make it so hard to do.
Fast forward to this summer. It's my youngest last summer before college. So it feels like we should be doing something really special.
We have enough airline miles saved up so that we told the boys, you pick, we'll go anywhere in the world you want to go. Anywhere. But let's do something really special.
We threw out some ideas like we could go to Ibiza or Amsterdam, the south of France. We were thinking big. We finally had a family meeting and my youngest said he wanted to go to the beach vacation we always go on.
There was a little part of me that was like, really? Not that it's terrible by any means. I just expected that he'd be excited to do something different. So we put the trip together and now feels like the perfect time for me to remind myself what made that Barcelona trip so hard for me and how I can be sure I don't fall into those traps again.
I'm very mindful that as I go into this summer's vacation, that I have high hopes of connecting with my boys. And there's so much about that that I don't want to let go. I'm not really interested in going into vacation with the mindset that if you set the bar low enough, you won't be disappointed.
That kind of feels terrible to me. What I really want is to be present and feel connected. And I know that this is something that I can actually create.
But before I go into that, let's talk about what's standing in the way. First, I want to invite you to imagine your own family vacation or staycation, whether you've already had it or whether you're looking forward to it, or you can even think back to a vacation from the past. Think about what you were hoping would happen.
What were your expectations? Try to go beyond, I just want the family to be together. What do you want that time together to look like? What are you hoping all of you will do? But more importantly, how do you hope everyone will feel and act during those times together? Because it's not just that you're hoping for family dinner. You're hoping that everyone will look like they want to be there.
You want everyone to engage and enjoy each other's company. What actually happens is that we don't realize we have all of these expectations about how every aspect of that trip will feel until it doesn't turn out that way and we notice we feel disappointed or hurt. In those moments, what's happening is that there's a gap between what we'd hoped would happen and what actually happens.
You're looking forward to dinner and you're thinking, this is a chance for us to connect. And in your mind, you have a thought about what that would look like. But then your kid is glued to their phone the whole time.
When you ask them to put it away, you get an eye roll and then silence. You feel like you have to be the one carrying the conversation and you still only get one word answers. They start complaining about the plan for the day.
Before you know it, this moment that should have been a chance to connect feels tense and awkward, maybe even lonely. You can find yourself thinking, is this it? Is this what our relationship has come to? And it's not a huge leap from there to start asking, do they even care? Am I doing something wrong? Maybe even, why did I bother? What I've found is that there are four key reasons why vacation with our big kids feels so hard. The first is that even though our kids are older, we're still carrying the emotional labor for them.
And what I mean by that is we're the ones thinking about how everyone's feeling. We're trying to make sure everyone's having a good time, anticipating what might go wrong, and adjusting plans to make everyone happy and keep the peace. We're not just managing the logistics.
We're managing the emotional frequency of the whole trip for everyone. But then, notwithstanding our best efforts, it doesn't work. The kids are still moody.
And on top of that, they don't really appreciate how hard you're trying to make them happy. Here you are, trying to create an experience that brings your family together, and no one seems to care. The second reason these trips with our kids can feel hard is a simple reality about this stage in our kids' development.
And that is that they're wired to pull away. And that's true even when they love you, which they do. And it's true even if they had a great time last year.
Our kids are figuring out who they are apart from us. And that attempt to create separation shows up in all kinds of subtle and not so subtle ways. It's hard not to make this about us.
When they're pulling away, it can feel like, how is this not about them not wanting to be with me? It feels personal. But when we take it personally, we start reacting from a place of hurt instead of understanding. So we either try harder to force them to connect with us, or we pull away, feeling resentful and hurt, closing ourselves off in retaliation almost for their lack of engagement.
So that's the second reason we take it personally when our kids are pulling away. You layer that on top of the emotional labor that we're carrying, the responsibility we feel to make everybody happy. And then you add on this third reason why these vacations can feel so hard with our big kids.
And that is that vacation doesn't fix anything. If your relationship with your kid feels strained at home, it's still going to feel strained on vacation. Whatever dynamic is happening between you and your big kid, it doesn't just magically disappear because you're at a resort.
In fact, being together more in close quarters without any distractions or breaks from each other can actually make a difficult relationship feel even worse. So they're trying to pull away, we're taking all this responsibility for their feelings, and we're bringing it on the road. And then you add this last reason why vacations with our teens are so hard.
And that is that we don't always realize how high our expectations actually are. Again, we don't often articulate all of our expectations, even to ourselves. But the truth is we want our kids to be happy and laughing on vacation.
We want that family photo that makes it look like we all want to be there together. We want this trip to mean something. And ultimately, we also want to feel connected and happy, especially when we're with some of the people we care about most in the world.
But the problem is we're relying on our kids to be a certain way so that we can give ourselves permission to feel this way. So again, we've got this perfect storm. We're still carrying the emotional labor of trying to make everyone happy.
Our kids are developmentally wired to pull away, and we can't help but take all of that personally. Vacation doesn't magically fix anything. And we have really high expectations about how all of this is supposed to go.
And our hopes, quite simply, do not match reality. So the cost of all of this is that we spend more time managing everyone else's emotions than actually being present in the moment. And because we're trying so hard and still people aren't happy and not appreciative, we feel discounted and unappreciated, sometimes even resentful, and we definitely don't feel connected or at ease.
On top of all of this, what I've realized is that we can be so caught up in the pain of the situation that we miss those moments of connection that actually do happen. And my friend, I am willing to bet that they are there. I also know from personal experience that when you're in pain and feeling disconnected, it's not only easy to miss those moments, but you can even distrust them when they happen.
Where we tend to focus is on how we want our big kid to change. We want them to say thank you, to smile more. We want them to act like they actually want to be with us.
And look, of course we want this. But when we stay focused on how they need to change in order for us to enjoy ourselves, we give away all our emotional power. We make our happiness and our sense of connection totally dependent on how our kid behaves.
And when they inevitably fall short of our hopes and expectations, not only because they're teens, but also because they're human and can't read our mind, we end up feeling disappointed and frustrated. And then we tell ourselves the trip didn't go well, and it kind of feels like our kid's fault. But here's where we get stuck, because if we can't change them, then we stay stuck in our own frustration and hurt.
So what can we do differently? How can we shift the way we show up without letting go of our expectations or pretending we don't care? How can we stay present and create connection, even when our kids act like themselves on vacation? I think it starts with getting really honest about what we can and can't control. We can't control our kids' moods or how much they talk or whether they connect with us in the way we'd like them to connect with us. And as much as we try, we can't change them by explaining to them what they need to do differently.
Have you ever found yourself saying things like, this trip cost a lot of money, or we don't get much time like this as a family. Can you just try to have fun? We lay it out, hoping they'll snap into a better attitude. And sometimes it works, but more often than not, it just doesn't.
Because when someone feels emotionally distant or disengaged, being told how to act usually makes them pull away even more. Or actually, what if your kid doesn't even feel disengaged? They're just not feeling like talking. And now they're being told how the way they're acting isn't good enough.
Look, you're not wrong to want something different. And you absolutely get to express your needs. But what tends to backfire is when we speak up from a place of frustration.
When our words are really an attempt to get them to change. That's when it shifts from trying to connect to an attempt at control. And this, my friend, is what makes them pull away even more.
You're allowed to want more connection, but when you try to script how they should behave to meet your expectations, you often miss the opportunity to connect with them for exactly who they are right now. And I get it, sometimes who they are right now is a little prickly and unpleasant. But my friend, this is also a kid that you love.
I know that you do. And this kid is worthy of your love, even when they're being the most messy version of themselves. What if that messy kid is doing the best that they can right now? What if the way they're showing up has absolutely nothing to do with you? And what if you don't need to fix it or make it your responsibility to change? Because when you stay focused on making everyone else happy, trying to pull your kid closer even though they're wired to pull away, when you put pressure on yourself and on the vacation to create something magical, and most of all, don't take responsibility for your own expectations about how all of this should be different, you miss those moments when your kid lights up when they talk about something they care about, even if it's not something you understand, you miss the way they sit beside you on the plane and lean in just a little bit, even if they don't say a word, you miss the little grins and the passing jokes, you miss that funny look they give when something weird happens at dinner, you miss all of that because you're so focused on those expectations that you think will mean that your kid wants to connect with you, that they appreciate everything you do for them.
But what if the real connection is already there? What if the magic isn't in what they say or do, or what they don't say, but in the small ways they're still letting you in? And ironically, what I've found in my own life and with so many of my clients is that when we stop trying so hard to make it feel a certain way, we often create more space for the connection we wanted in the first place. I know as I head off to my vacation with my sons, especially with this being the last vacation before my youngest goes to college, I'm very cognizant of my own desire to make this a special trip for all of us. I'm recognizing that there is a certain amount of responsibility I feel for creating something special.
And to be honest, I don't want to talk myself out of that, but I'm going to be very aware of those times when reality doesn't quite meet my expectations, and I'm going to let that be okay. Because the truth is both of my boys are young men figuring out their own life. I can imagine my youngest son has a lot going through his mind as he's only weeks away from starting his college experience.
As much as he loves me, his mind is somewhere else, and I'm willing to let that be okay. What I've found is it's so beautiful to give your kids the space to be who they need to be, because when you allow your kids the safety to be who they are, even when that looks messy, you create a space of so much unconditional love that they can't help but lean back into. This doesn't mean you don't set boundaries or communicate your needs, but it is an invitation to recognize that this is a messy stage of parenting, where both you and your teen are trying to figure out who you are.
You want to hold on, and they're trying to pull away. You want to connect, and they're figuring out how to be their own person. Instead of working so hard to create connection, what if you just started looking for it? Because if you're looking right now for the ways they're disconnecting, I guarantee you'll find it.
But what if you looked instead for those little moments of connection, the way your kid shows you that you are and always will be their mom, that they love and appreciate you even if they're not always that good at showing it? What would change if you let those moments be enough? What I always come back to is this question. What kind of mom do I want to be on this trip? How do I want to respond when my kid is being rude or closed off, not wanting to spend time with me on vacation? How do I want to show up when we're at dinner and no one's talking or acting like they want to be there? What kind of woman do you want to be, no matter how your teen shows up? This is the part that you do get to choose. And when you choose it with intention, when you stop waiting for your kid to change so you can feel happy and connected, you'll find something even more meaningful than the perfect vacation.
You'll find peace and the ability to be fully present in your own life, to let go of the pressure and actually be in this moment, right now. There is so much beauty in that. This is the work we do in Mom 2.0, learning how to show up with compassion, confidence, and peace, even when things don't go the way you'd hoped.
Because when you stop trying to change your big kid so that you can feel how you really want to feel, that's when you discover your real power, my friend.
Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
