DO CHORES REALLY MAKE KIDS MORE SUCCESSFUL WHEN PARENTING TEENS? WHAT THE RESEARCH SAYS | EP. 167
Do chores really make kids more successful in life? Here's what the research says, and what actually matters.
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Have you ever worried that your teen's refusal to do chores is a sign that they're not going to make it in the real world? Or maybe you also saw that viral post about the Harvard study and started wondering if you missed your window to raise a responsible adult. In this episode, I'm breaking down what the research actually says and what it doesn't say about chores and success. You'll learn why chores aren't the magic bullet we've been led to believe, and what really builds long-term responsibility in our teens.
I'll also share how you can stop the power struggle and start building the kind of connection that leads to real growth for your kid. Let's reframe this conversation, because it's actually not about the chores. It's about how we show up.
Hello, my friend. The other day, I was procrastinating and came across a social media post that showed teens doing chores, and it referenced a Harvard study that said kids who do chores from a young age are more successful in life. Well, needless to say, the post got thousands of comments and close to 10,000 shares.
Many people in the comments were agreeing, saying, yes, absolutely, I agree, kids should do chores. Many others pointed out that there were plenty of people they knew who were successful and never did chores, including themselves. And I found myself thinking that I had a lot to say about this, and so I started to comment on the post.
But then I thought, why don't I look up the details of this study and do a little bit more of a thoughtful reflection? Because I have a lot of opinions. But I also have a lot of experience talking through issues with chores with my clients. Because this idea that doing chores will make our kids more responsible and maybe even, dare we dream, more successful in life, it comes up all the time with my clients, especially moms of teens who are struggling to get their teens to follow through with even the smallest responsibilities, let alone unload the dishwasher without being asked five times.
So in this episode, I want to take a closer look at what the research really says, why it's so easy to misinterpret, and most importantly, what actually matters when it comes to raising responsible young people. So here's what's fascinating and actually why it's so important to go beyond the headlines on social media if you're really going to reference something. So this Harvard study was started in 1938 and originally followed 268 male Harvard undergrads from the classes of 1942 through 1944.
Two Harvard Law School professors started a separate study to understand juvenile delinquency. So they recruited a separate cohort of 456 teenage boys from the inner city in Boston neighborhoods who had not committed any criminal offenses, because this was meant to be a control group for another group of boys who presumably had committed criminal offenses. So then in the 1970s, these two studies were merged, with the thought being that they could compare these presumably better off, already successful men in the original group who had attended Harvard against these disadvantaged young men from the inner city in Boston.
And they wanted to understand how different environments and backgrounds shaped life outcomes. So this Harvard study is a longitudinal study, which basically means that they follow the same group of people over a long period of time. So in this case, decades.
And the purpose of this type of study is to observe how people change over time and try to identify patterns or things that might predict long-term outcomes. Now this Harvard study is cited often, probably first and foremost because Harvard, but it's also one of the longest-running longitudinal studies in history. It's been following these original participants for over 85 years.
Then I had this thought, so they've been studying these Harvard sophomores for 85 years? Aren't they dead by now? And the answer is yes, almost all of the original participants in the study are now deceased. But they're still mining the study for data and even trying to follow the descendants of the study. Okay, let me go on a rant for a minute, because first of all, the study basically compared privileged white men from generally higher income families who had already gained admission to Harvard.
And mind you, it was much easier to get into Harvard in the 1930s. But nevertheless, the study compared this privileged group with teens from working class or low-income families from the inner city in Boston who were originally studied simply because they hadn't committed a crime. Now is anyone else feeling like this is inherently problematic, even in how we're defining success here? Many of these teens came from homes with more instability, less formal education, and fewer resources.
So this means that the study compared two very different groups of men who were nowhere near apples to apples in terms of their origin stories. They differed in age, even when the study was started, and socioeconomic status, family structure, education level, and life opportunities from the very beginning of the study. Okay, but rant aside, what did this study actually say about chores? Um, it didn't.
This study actually didn't collect specific data about chores at all. What it did study was more about family relationships, personal traits, career satisfaction, income, alcohol use, a lot of different statistics, but they didn't actually collect any specific data about childhood chores. So now we have to ask, why is this study being cited in relation to household chores? The truth is, it's simply how the study has been interpreted by people outside of the study.
One person in particular, a former Stanford dean who wrote a book called How to Raise an Adult, referenced the Harvard study when discussing the benefits of chores in her book. And when she was later asked to back up her claim with a specific part of the study, she referenced summaries made by the study's director where he said, early responsibility and contribution to family life seem to build character and lead to better outcomes. Now, this is very different from tracking who folded laundry or washed the dishes and who didn't.
And let's also throw in that privileged Harvard guys followed by the study presumably had far more resources and safety nets. So in some ways, they were already set up to be successful, or at least had a safety net if they failed. Contrast with the inner city kids who had a much steeper climb to success.
So in short, when people say Harvard research proves chores make kids more successful, they're grossly oversimplifying and misrepresenting what the study actually measured. Okay, but surely someone's done a study on the impact of chores, right? Well, of course, there's another study, and this one is more recent. It was conducted in 2010 and published in the British Medical Journal.
This study focused on a group of kids in kindergarten, and then looked at the correlation between kids who helped with chores, things like putting away their toys and helping set the table, and how successful they were in school by the time they got to third grade. Now, the study found that the kids who did chores in kindergarten showed better academic performance a few years later, and they also showed more positive social behavior and were said to be happier, however they measured that. So this study focused on five and six-year-olds, and I so remember that age with my boys.
They still, more or less, did exactly what I told them to do. I mean, they didn't always necessarily want to do it, but they did it. And frankly, I could kind of make them.
At that age, you can put them in the corner or take away their toys or privileges, and that's pretty much all the leverage you need to get your way as a mom. And at five or six years old, we're also not talking about really important or difficult chores. I remember with my boys, it looked more like, please put away your toys so I don't have to trip over them in the middle of the night.
But we were hardly folding and putting away laundry at that age or even doing anything other than just dumping toys into a big toy box. Okay, so this study ultimately concluded that if you get your kid to do chores in kindergarten, they're more successful, quote unquote, in third grade. But what about later in life, or even what happens by the time they're teens? Is anyone else wondering if those kindergartners went on to do their laundry and unload the dishwasher without being told? The answer is we don't know.
The study ended in third grade and was just published in 2023. So these kids are now, if my math is right, these kids have literally just graduated from college, if they attended. So we have no idea if their third grade success followed them on to high school and college, at least based on what we know from the study.
So the bottom line is these studies do not actually prove that chores lead to long-term success. So if your first thought when I started mentioning this study was, oh, shoot, my kid isn't doing chores and I've ruined their chances for future success, please take yourself off the hook. Because first of all, the ship has sailed in terms of whatever chores we made our kids do in kindergarten.
And again, even the study acknowledged that those chores were limited and age appropriate. And does anyone actually wonder if these parents lied just a little bit? Like if someone was asking you if you made your kid do chores, and your first thought was, well, I probably should be making them do chores, wouldn't you have a bit of an urge to embellish the truth just a little bit to make yourself look better? I'll be honest, I know the thought would enter my mind. So all this to say, the studies tell us close to nothing.
We really can't, based on the data provided by these studies, make any sweeping conclusions about the link between chores and later success in life. But my friend, this topic of getting our kids to do chores comes up with my clients all the time. And I'm guessing it comes up in your house as well.
And this is particularly true now that we're home for the summer or our kids are home from college. So our big kids are basically not in school all day and are eating all over the house at all hours. I mean, forget the chore chart, now we're battling just cleaning up after yourself in public spaces, right? So maybe you're blessed with a kid who was always neat and tidy and totally willing to do whatever's asked of them.
Maybe you even have one of those unicorns who actually does things without being reminded. Or even asked, do these amazing creatures actually exist? I mean, I'm guessing they do somewhere out there. But if you're like me or like many of my clients, your kids are not going above and beyond in the chore department.
Maybe they're even needing five reminders to do the bare minimum you ask. Or honestly, just not doing the chore at all, no matter how many times you remind them. In the face of this, it is hard not to feel frustrated.
It's interesting that in my conversations with clients, as moms, we tend to interpret our kids not doing chores in a few different ways. We can first be totally confused, like, how do they not notice the mess? We can also take it personally, kind of like, why don't they care enough about me or respect me or respect their home enough to just do what I ask or even just clean up after themselves? We can also go to the place where we worry that despite our best efforts, we're raising a kid who will never be able to be responsible on their own. It can feel like we're failing in our basic parent responsibility when our kids just refuse to help out.
Look, every one of us, at least every one of us who would be listening to a podcast like this, every one of us wants to help support their kids to be happy, successful adults. And so I'm very aware of how triggering it is to see a headline like, chores build character and lead to professional success. Honestly, it fuels every instinct we have, honestly justifying our belief that we should be making our kids do chores.
This headline doesn't just sound like parenting advice. It sounds like a warning because it taps into that underlying belief we have that if I don't make my kid do chores, I'm not doing my job or worse, I'm setting them up to fail. And let's be honest, most of us aren't walking around feeling like we've nailed this parenting thing.
We're already second-guessing ourselves. So when a study tells us chores are the secret to future success, it feels like confirmation that we've already messed up or like we need to suddenly buckle down and make up for lost time. But here's what happens.
We find ourselves in this constant cycle of reminding and nagging and honestly wondering what's wrong with our kid that they just don't get it. It can feel like they're being willfully unhelpful. So needless to say, we end up in this endless power struggle where every conversation about chores turns into a fight.
So I want to reframe this conversation for a minute because we tend to focus on the mess and the chores. But the truth is, it's not just about the mess and the chores. It's ultimately about what we make it mean when our kids don't help out.
And then on top of this, the pressure we feel to fix it, to teach them to be responsible before it's too late. Now I think it might be helpful to explore a little further this assumption that getting our kids to do chores leads to future success. Now let's think about something here.
Because many of us moms have not seen this Harvard study. In fact, before I saw the social media post, I didn't know anything about it. But so many of us as moms internalize this belief that chores are an important part of raising responsible adults.
So is this true? Are chores actually what creates success? Or could it be that chores are just a sign of something else going on in the family? So I don't think it's enough to just debunk this Harvard study because I think that there is something ingrained in the way we tend to think about chores as something we need to teach our kids to do so that they can become responsible later in life. Right? We have this assumption. But at the same time, let's be honest.
There are plenty of kids who have been forced to do chores and turn out to be completely irresponsible and aimless in life. And there are also plenty of kids who never really did chores at all, and they became incredibly responsible and capable adults. So at least what's clear is that there isn't a one-to-one correlation between doing chores and success.
There's got to be more at play here. And maybe chores are just one aspect of a family environment that emphasizes certain core values. Now, I know I've kind of torn apart this Harvard study, but a big part of that is because of the oversimplification that points to this connection between chores and long-term success.
But what this study was ultimately focused on was that long-term success was more about life satisfaction, health, and well-being than it was about career achievement. Now, keep in mind that the study was following these participants throughout their lifetime. So a lot of what contributed to their long-term happiness or well-being wasn't just about how they were parented.
But what the study found was that the quality of relationships is the biggest predictor of long-term well-being. This is truly the single most consistent and well-supported finding across the entire 85-year study. It's close relationships more than money or career achievement that are what keep people happy throughout their lives.
And again, keep in mind, this is well-being and relationships throughout a lifetime. So the study found that people who had warm, supportive relationships in midlife were healthier and happier in old age, and that loneliness and isolation were strong predictors of physical illness, cognitive decline, and emotional distress. The study also said that it's not about the number of friends you have.
It's about the quality of your connections. Other findings in the study were that emotional regulation, really resilience, makes people more likely to achieve success in every area of their life. And finally, the study noted that strong relationships with parents in childhood also predict future success, but not in the way people tend to think.
The findings were that a warm, stable relationship with parents, especially with mothers, was associated with higher income, greater professional success, and better emotional health. But again, the study didn't measure things about rules and chore charts. It was more about emotional availability and affection.
Okay, now first, I want to give another major caveat here, because even these findings from the Harvard study are a little shaky. Because again, the Harvard undergrad participants were generally already advantaged. But they did find that even the participants in the cohort from the inner city who had warm, reliable relationships at home did better than those young men in the study who had more neglect and instability in their homes.
So this is my takeaway, and you're welcome to draw your own conclusions here. Okay, so we hear this finding from the study that the relationship you have with your mother is very important to future success. So here's another risk here.
Here's another danger or mindset trap you could be falling into. Because we can look right now at the difficult relationship we have with our teen, and now we're thinking, oh my gosh, now I have to worry about that. I don't have a calm, stable relationship with my teen right now, so this is yet another thing I'm doing wrong.
I want to invite you not to go there either. Here's what I want to offer you. If you are listening to this podcast, you love your child.
I have no doubt about that. Those moms who don't love their kid, they're not listening to podcasts about showing up as the best mom you can be or helping your kid be successful. And the reason you want to make your kids do chores or do their homework isn't because you're like Cinderella's stepmother looking for free child labor.
Although let's be honest, it would be nice to have a little more help around the house. But truly, the reason you're doing this is because you want to help your kids self-actualize and be a happy, productive, responsible person. You want them to grow into someone who can take care of themselves and contribute to the world and feel good about who they are.
This desire is coming from love, full stop. But here's the problem. Sometimes when we take that love and then we wrap it in the pressure to be a good mom who makes her kids successful, that helps get her kid to do all the right things, whether it's cleaning the room or submitting their math homework, that's when parenting can feel like this tug of war between who our kids are right now and who we hope they'll become.
Because this truly is the essence of what's happening when we feel compelled to get our teens to do something, anything that's different from what they're doing now. What we're typically doing in that moment is judging what they're doing as not good enough, that's ultimately not aligned with the vision of them that we hope to create. I actually remember one moment with my son when I truly believed he was going to give up on college.
This had been a boy who loved school. He was that kid who did math for fun and studied almost too hard. And when he started pulling away, it went against everything I wanted for him.
But also at one point I realized I was fighting really hard for what I wanted for his future. And I had to take a hard look in the mirror and ask myself, is he living his life for me and what I want? Or is his life ultimately up to him? But look, I get it because I've been there. We are so afraid of letting our kids down, of not doing the right thing to support them and encourage them and guide them.
And we do know better about some things, right? We see our kids' potential and often it seems we see it better than they do. We want the best for them. And so when their actions don't line up with our vision for their potential, when they avoid doing their homework or they roll their eyes at the simplest request, it can feel like they're fighting against the very things that will actually help them be successful in life.
It's like, help me help you, my child. So, of course, it's no wonder that we end up in the cycle of reminding and then nagging and then getting angry and then resenting that they're putting us in this position. But here's where this all breaks down.
Because then when we try to force our kids into being responsible, their response is to fight or at least resist doing what we ask. The opposite of what we're hoping to create, which is to get them to be more responsible. So now we're in this power struggle where it's a test of wills.
We're struggling to find the right consequences and to keep our cool. So many moms have said to me, there is literally nothing else I can take away at this point. And at the end of the day, we're all, both our teens and us, we're left feeling disconnected and frustrated and just exhausted from the power struggle.
I mean, is this really the way to get our kids to be successful in life? On the one hand, we know it's not working, but it also feels like the only way, right? We want so badly for our kids to learn responsibility, to really care about being responsible. And so when they clearly don't, we reach for consequences and lectures, ultimately because we're scared. Scared that they're never going to step up and become responsible and afraid that we're not doing enough to avoid that worst case scenario.
That ultimately it will be our fault if that's where they end up. Here's the reality. We simply cannot force our kids to be responsible.
I mean, we can try to force them into doing a chore by threatening a consequence, but does that make them responsible? It might get the chore done in the moment, but it doesn't teach them to take ownership. And that's really what's required to be responsible. Responsibility is ultimately doing something because we see that it matters and that you believe it's something that's yours to take care of, your responsibility.
So there's this sense of ownership and awareness. You see something that needs to get done. You understand the reason why it needs to get done.
And so you choose to do that thing because you care how you show up. This is ultimately what responsibility is. And so, of course, that's what we're really hoping to build in our kids, right? An inner sense of agency, a belief that they're capable of taking action and making choices and that it's their job to contribute to the world around them.
But this doesn't come from forcing chores on our kids because this doesn't ultimately make our kids want to contribute. It just creates a dynamic where they do the thing to avoid getting in trouble. So what I want to offer is that the answer is building connection with our kids.
Because when our kids feel seen and safe and respected, they become more open to us pointing out where they might have room to grow. They're more likely to hear us when we say, hey, I noticed you didn't follow through on that, or maybe this is something that you should try a little harder doing. This willingness for our kids to hear us, to listen to us when we give them guidance, it doesn't come from fear.
It comes from trust. And trust isn't something we can demand from our kids. It's something we have to earn over time through how we show up as moms.
So what does that look like? How do we as moms build that trust? Well, first, we can be emotionally consistent. When our reactions are unpredictable, when we explode one day and let things slide the next, our teens don't really know what to expect. And just think about it.
Uncertainty doesn't create trust. It creates defensiveness, the need to protect yourself. But when we show up emotionally steady and calm, we create a sense of safety that invites honesty and trust.
The second thing we can do to build trust is own our own behavior. When we lose our temper, which we all do, we apologize. This is one of the most powerful ways to build trust, because we're not just asking our teens to be accountable.
We're showing them what accountability looks like. Here's the thing. An apology isn't enough if we don't also change.
Because if we keep losing our temper or trying to control in ways that aren't working, and then we say sorry again and again without changing, our teens eventually stop trusting the apology because they don't see us learning from it. And finally, the third thing we can do to build trust is by being clear without being controlling. And look, it's important to set boundaries and expectations and even to have chores in the house.
This is not an episode about not having chores. But when we do all of this from a perspective where the chores are never enough and our kids don't understand the why behind the rules or the chores, they are going to fight back. And also, this is what teens do.
They test boundaries. But when we're clear, like truly clear about what matters and why, we start to build trust with our kids. Whether it's the curfew or the screen time or how often the dishwasher needs to be emptied each week, when we explain the purpose behind our expectations, not to control them, but because it reflects values we care about, that's when our teen starts to understand.
But here's something else that matters. We can't make everything a battle. If there are a hundred things that we're policing every day, our teens are just going to tune us out.
It all starts to blur together. So part of building trust is also being intentional about what we choose to enforce, really reflecting on what really matters. If you're clear on why something is important and you communicate that calmly and consistently, it carries more weight.
Your teen may not love it, but they'll start to understand it. My friend, trust and connection is built in those tiny moments during the day, those little moments when we decide to give our kids space because we see that that's what they need. It's when we listen to them when they say, I don't want to talk about it.
It's when we invite them to weigh in, when we ask their opinion about something and we show that we care about it. It's those times when they know we could get angry, but we choose to show them they're more than the mistake they made. It's when we tell them we love them and they know we mean it.
It's the fact that we show up to every event and activity and that we were always there for them, that we keep the refrigerator stocked with their favorite foods. My friends, it's in all the ways that we show how much we care, even if that sometimes looks a little different than we'd like it to. My friend, you are already the mom your teen needs.
They know that you love them, and this alone is enough to give them the building blocks to a successful life. But I also know it doesn't always feel that way. It's easy to question whether you're doing it right and to get caught up in the stress of whether your teen is doing enough or whether you are.
And my friend, this is exactly the heart of the reason why I created Mom 2.0, because this program is designed to help moms of teens and college kids who are really ready to stop parenting from anxiety and frustration and second-guessing every choice and start truly building trust and connection by learning how to show up as the mom they truly want to be. In this program, we talk about emotional regulation and setting boundaries and expectations and, yes, even chores. But as your coach, I will never tell you what chores to require or what rules to enforce because that is truly up to you and what you think is right.
But what this program will help you do is build connection and trust with your big kid so that you no longer feel caught in this painful power struggle. So let's go back to that original question. Do chores make kids more successful? The truth is there is no simple answer.
The research is inconclusive, the headlines are misleading, and every family is different. But here's what we do know. What creates lasting success is the strength of the relationship you build with your child.
It's the sense of safety and respect your teen feels in your presence. Because responsibility isn't something we can force on our kids. It's something they grow into.
And they'll grow into it best when they feel supported and guided, but not controlled. Ultimately, this is the work. Not to change your teen or force them into learning how to be responsible, but for you to take full responsibility for how you show up.
My friend, I already know you love your child and you're doing your best. But it could be that building trust with your teen will go even further in making them responsible than a chore chart ever could. And you have the power to start building trust with your teen right now by deciding how you want to show up for them.
Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
