PARENTING TEENS IN THE EMPTY NEST STRADDLE—HOW MOMS CAN LET GO WITHOUT LOSING THEMSELVES | EP. 165
Parenting teens in the empty nest straddle, how moms can let go without losing themselves. Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, master coach, Jennifer Collins.
If you're a mom navigating the emotional rollercoaster of parenting teens or watching your kids begin to leave the nest, this episode is for you. Today, I'm talking about what I call the empty nest straddle, that long, messy transition where you're still mothering, but you're also trying to navigate how and when to let them go. In this episode, I'll show you why uncertainty is the real source of stress at this stage of life, how to build self-trust even when things feel messy or out of your control, and how to feel more confident and present, not by doing more, but by shifting how you think about this stage of life.
Let's dive in. Hello, my friend. So I'm coming to you now as a mom who officially has two sons who have graduated high school and are both headed to college at the end of the summer.
Am I an empty nester? Well, sort of. I mean, my boys are both home for the summer, kind of. Actually, what I'm experiencing is that revolving door of having kids home and not home, needing me and not needing me.
And actually, it's been this way for a while already. So has anything really changed? I'm actually more convinced than ever that this concept of the empty nest isn't a clean break. It's not a moment in time.
It's a long, messy, beautiful, and bittersweet transition that starts earlier than anyone tells us, and it lasts a lot longer than you expect. I've come to think of it as what I call the empty nest straddle, this in-between space where we're still actively mothering our kids, worrying about them, making them meals, trying to support them emotionally. But we're also watching them become independent and feeling our role shift in ways that can be both really exciting but also really uncomfortable.
For me, this empty nest straddle started when my boys were in middle school, when we started to have fights about screen time and I was constantly stressed about the changing dynamics of their friendships. Kids in middle school can be so mean to each other. And what I've also noticed is that kids in middle school can be drastically different in terms of maturity.
Some are incredibly mature and others the complete opposite. In fact, some are already getting into things that seem like they shouldn't be ready for, and others are telling fart jokes and watching Disney movies. For me, I remember that time being so messy and stressful.
I was constantly worried about how to help and support my boys. But for the first time, I started realizing how ineffective my help actually was. When they had problems, I couldn't just hug them and make it okay.
And when I set a boundary, they weren't anywhere near as compliant as they had been when they were little. They hadn't always done exactly what I told them to do when they were young. But with a little time in the corner, I feel like I was usually able to get my way.
But in middle school, all of that changed. Then you get to high school and things change even more. That kid who used to hold your hand and give you hugs with abandon now barely acknowledges you or is totally embarrassed that you would call out to them when you pick them up for school.
They start hanging out with friends you've never met who have parents that you don't know. Kids are less immature but still have the ability to be really mean to each other. Friendship cliques start forming and it's easy for the introverts to feel excluded if they haven't found their people.
Then our kids start liking members of the opposite sex or the same sex, and now you're navigating the ups and downs of young love. The highs of the start of relationships, those nervous first dates, finding your kid on the phone for long hours and late nights, constantly texting. Then you run up against the breakups, and maybe they open up to you, but maybe they don't.
You find you only have a partial glimpse into what's really going on in their world. Maybe they tell you nothing, or maybe they tell you everything and you're on this emotional roller coaster with them, always worried about the next big friend drama or breakup. Then they start going out more regularly with friends, and now you're worried about kids driving safely, not drinking and driving.
Those stressful first months when your own kid gets their license, navigating curfews and tracking their location. Are they telling you the truth about what they're doing and who they're doing it with? Sometimes it's hard to know. And then there's school.
Are they taking it seriously and living up to their potential? Do they actually care at all? Or maybe they care too much. Kids can have big goals, but not quite understand the effort required to get there. Should you be reminding them to study for that next test, or insist that they meet with a tutor even if they tell you they've got it? There are so many complicated questions to navigate in high school.
And I'm not sure what I expected when my oldest went off to college. I think I had this idea that the empty nest meant, what did I think? Maybe that my job would be done? We talk about the empty nest as if it's the sad time when your kid leaves home. And there's definitely that part.
It's surreal to have that empty bedroom and to not have your kid around. You feel like a limb of your body is missing, like part of your heart leaves with them. But also, you don't stop worrying about them.
And you certainly don't stop financially supporting them. I'm not sure when that part ends. Depending on your kid, you might hear from them all the time and still be on that emotional roller coaster with them, still not sure how to help.
Or you could be totally in the dark, waiting for that text, wondering if they even think about you. You still worry about the drinking and the drugs and the relationships, whether they're making any friends. But now you're also starting to worry if they're ever going to have a job that pays them enough so that they can be out on their own.
I work with so many women whose kids are past college and they're still navigating boundaries around how much financial support and even emotional support to give their kids. They're worried about their kids' living situations and grad school choices, navigating how to incorporate significant others into the family, and planning weddings. I've even coached grandmothers who are still in this straddle of holding on and letting go.
Here's the reality of the emptiness straddle that no one talks about. It is a 10-year period, maybe much longer, a time of feeling both deeply needed and completely unnecessary at the same time. It's this period of feeling like your world still revolves around and prioritizes your kids, but that they're trying to be completely off on their own, acting like they don't even need you, except for when they need money for rent or groceries or that darn favorite hoodie.
Now, there are a lot of people talking about happiness and finding purpose in the empty nest, and others who focus on parenting teams and strategies around how to do that better. But my goal with this podcast is really to explore how to navigate all of it at the same time over a long stretch of time that is constantly changing. Because the reality is, parenting advice is only going to help you with that exact stage that you're in right now.
But wait six months and you're going to be dealing with some other challenge, or really some other version of your teen. And actually, even the best parenting advice is useless if you're too anxious, angry, or unsure to follow through effectively. So the purpose of this podcast isn't about the specifics of how to parent your teen or what specific rules to enforce.
I will never tell you what you should be doing as a mom. Instead, my goal is to help you feel empowered to be the mom and the woman you want to be in this long, ever-changing transition. But I do want to acknowledge that most of us don't always know what to do, especially when what we've tried isn't working.
Because they act like they want space, and then you give them space, but they shut you out even more. Or you see a rule that you need to set, but they push back and fight you on it. You try really hard to stay calm, but still end up getting frustrated and eventually blowing up and yelling.
It's not that what you're doing is wrong necessarily. It's just that the stage of parenting is incredibly complicated. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.
So the real challenge isn't just what to do. It's getting out of the spiral of second-guessing and frustration long enough to access the calm, confident version of you who can figure out what to do and how to support this kid that you have in this moment. But also consider this.
As you navigate this messy, ongoing period of motherhood, I feel like there's also more space in your life, and also in your mind, than there used to be. On the one hand, we have more time to ourselves as moms. But yet we can still find ourselves drawn back into worrying and waiting around, essentially putting our lives on hold just in case our kids need us.
So in addition to helping support you be the mom you want to be, I think it's just as important to dedicate space to helping you come back to yourself. For many of us, it's been a long time since we've asked ourselves what we even want. What matters to me? Who am I becoming as my kids grow up? I want to invite you to consider that you're allowed to take up space in your own life.
So why is this long season of motherhood, this emptiness straddle, so hard? I've always thought of it as an emotional roller coaster. One minute you feel connected because your big kid is giving you a hug or an unexpected I love you mom. Maybe you feel proud because of some small way that they've shown they're capable and becoming a little bit more independent.
But then five minutes later you can feel totally pissed off or heartbroken, feeling totally ignored or unappreciated. It's like emotional whiplash. You go from feeling hopeful to anxious, connected to rejected, from savoring every minute you have with your kids to secretly counting down the days until you get them out of the house.
My friend, it's exhausting. And if you know exactly what I'm talking about, believe me, I am in it with you. It doesn't feel like a big jump to assume that there's something wrong with your kids, or something wrong with you, or maybe both.
But in truth, the biggest hurdle you're facing is uncertainty. Your kids' needs are constantly changing. Your role is constantly changing.
In day-to-day life, do you ever feel like you're always waiting for some confirmation that things will be okay? Like, how did they do on that test? Or did they do that chore I've asked them to do five times over the past few days? Will they ever text me back? Are they going to make curfew tonight? Or are they going to be home for dinner? Why are they on their phone out in the driveway? Do they get in a fight with someone? It's like literally every day is filled with a million questions. And more often than not, the answer our brains come up with is, I don't know. And honestly, also, I'm not going to feel okay until I do know.
Because this constant not-knowing is emotionally exhausting. And this is why. It's because our brains hate uncertainty.
We are biologically wired to seek clarity, closure, and control. It's how the human brain has evolved to keep us safe. And what I mean by clarity is we want to understand what's happening.
We want to be able to make sense of our world. And closure means we want to know how it ends. How is this going to turn out? I don't want to be left hanging and wondering if this is all going to turn out okay.
And control means that we want to influence the outcome. We want to feel like we have the power to do something to help make things turn out okay. And it all makes perfect sense.
Our brains are designed to scan for danger and avoid uncertainty, and ultimately to create a plan to help us get out of danger and to make things certain. It's actually what's helped the human race survive for thousands and thousands of years. But here we are in the empty nest straddle with very little clarity and closure and almost zero control.
Half the time we have no idea what's actually going on because our kids don't tell us and so we're left to guess. Or we do know what's going on and we have absolutely no idea how to help. Then we might get closure about one problem, but by that time we're already on to the next.
And in terms of influencing the outcome, getting our kids to actually do what we ask or take our advice, well let's just say these are the times we think back to the days when our kids were little and we realized how much easier it was back then. So here's what happens when our brains don't get clarity, closure, or control. Essentially, we don't feel safe.
So our brains do what they're designed to do, which is they fill in the gaps of uncertainty by creating worst-case scenarios. We try to fix what's going on so we can feel some closure, some certainty that things will be okay. And we look for meaning and understanding in every moment.
Sometimes that means taking things personally. Sometimes that looks like overanalyzing a look or a tone of voice, that one-word text. And then we get caught up in our own heads about what all of this means about our kids and about us and about our relationship.
And all of this creates stress for us. And not because you're doing it wrong, but because your brain is doing exactly what it's wired to do. It can feel like we're constantly chasing a sense of reassurance, some signal that things are okay or that we're okay, that we didn't mess this up, or that they're going to be fine.
And this is what makes the emptiness straddle so exhausting. It's the emotional weight of uncertainty, the constant feeling of being on alert, like you're holding your breath all day. But here's something to consider.
It's actually not uncertainty that's the problem. It's our relationship with uncertainty that creates our pain. Because when we don't know what's going to happen and we make that mean something's wrong or that we're not doing enough or that our teen is headed for disaster, that's when we spiral.
That's when we get reactive and often end up showing up in ways that we regret or that just aren't as effective as we'd like them to be. And look, no matter what we do, we're never going to eliminate uncertainty. This is just the reality of this time of life.
But in fact, uncertainty is the reality of life, period. But right now, in the stage of motherhood, we're actually certain that life is uncertain. So the real work isn't about eliminating uncertainty.
It's about learning how to navigate it, to find peace even when things feel messy, and to start trusting that you can handle whatever comes next. Look, many of us think that the solution is to finally get our teens to listen or to set the right boundary and follow through with consequences or just to get your kid to text back or agree to a family dinner a few nights a week. Or maybe if we're navigating the uncertainty of the empty nest, we think the solution is to get a part-time job or find new hobbies, basically fill our time with something fulfilling and purposeful so we can feel better.
In other words, we think that if we can just change the circumstances of our life, change other people, or change the way that we spend our time, then we can feel better. But here's why that doesn't work. Look, while changing your circumstances might bring some temporary relief, it doesn't change what's happening in your mind.
You could solve the problem with your kid, like get them to open up or get them to text back or get that job or find that hobby. But then you still find that you're still feeling anxious or frustrated or unsure of yourself. Because what creates your emotional experience isn't your circumstances.
It's actually your thoughts about those circumstances. Think of this example, and this may even have happened to you. You make your teen sit down to a family dinner because you want to create connection with them.
You want to have some time to be together. But then they sit there and they barely say a thing, and you just end up feeling frustrated and disconnected, thinking, why did I even bother? So in this case, you changed the circumstance. You got your teen to do what you wanted them to do, but it still didn't feel better.
Or I work with women all the time in the empty nest who fill their calendar with stuff to keep themselves busy, but then they still feel lost because they haven't figured out what they really want. The truth is, no amount of managing your teen or filling your schedule is going to fix the uncertainty or self-doubt you feel inside. But you can learn how to navigate it by understanding what's going on in your mind.
By building a relationship with yourself that allows you to feel grounded and confident even when everything around you is uncertain and totally out of your control. And this is where self-trust comes in. Because the only thing you really have control over in your life is how you choose to respond.
Really think about it. Your agency, where you have influence and control, is simply in how you choose to respond. And that's not just in the big decisions you make.
It's actually in the small, everyday moments, like when your teen makes an obnoxious comment or rolls their eyes at you, or when they look heartbroken but won't open up to you. Your power is in choosing how to respond in that moment. In that moment when your kid doesn't turn in their homework or you find a vape pen in their room.
It's also in that moment when you find yourself feeling lonely or bored and wondering how you got there. In these moments, do you trust yourself to make a conscious decision to not only respond with intention but to have your back about that choice? It's so easy to second-guess ourselves, especially when what we do isn't met with the response that we hope. So many women come to me saying, I'm just not good at setting boundaries.
And essentially what they're really saying is that they're not good at getting other people to do what they want them to do. Well, sister, same. But what if boundaries are simply decisions you make about how you respond? The truth is, I don't care how confident someone is, they still don't have the power to control other people without their permission.
And you know, as moms, we try to do this all the time. We think if we just say it the right way or stay calm enough, set the perfect consequence and then follow through, then maybe our teen will finally listen or change their behavior. But when we wait to feel better until our kid does what we want them to do, that puts our emotional safety and well-being in their hands.
We make our peace and our confidence and our success as a mom dependent on their reaction. But real boundaries actually aren't about getting someone else to act differently. They're about deciding how you want to show up, what you're willing to allow, and what you'll do if that line is crossed, regardless of how that other person responds.
This is why self-trust is actually so much more in your reach than you think it is. Because it's not getting it right every time or having your teen respond the way you hope. It's about deciding ahead of time who you want to be in that moment and having your own back no matter what happens next.
So how do you actually start to build self-trust? Honestly, it can start with something as simple as taking a pause, taking a breath before reacting. It's that brief moment where you check in with yourself and you ask, what do I actually want to say here? Who do I want to be in this moment? And sometimes that means choosing to say nothing or letting your kid have their mood. Or sometimes it means saying the thing you really need to say and then letting the other person feel how they feel about it.
It could even be the decision not to second-guess yourself about a decision you've made. Just saying to yourself, I'm proud of how I handled that. It's honestly so easy to feel confident and trust yourself when life is predictable and easy.
But the truth is, your life right now is anything but predictable. It's uncertain and constantly changing. And let's be honest, that's not easy.
But consider that the time when you need to trust yourself the most is in those moments that feel the most uncertain. And this doesn't mean that you feel completely calm and control in those moments. It means that even when your brain goes into fight or flight because it's triggered by what's ever going on, that you can still step back, notice what's happening, and choose how you want to respond.
Just think about those times when your kid was a toddler and they'd have a total meltdown about something. And even in those moments when you were exhausted and frustrated, there was a part of you that knew this is just a tantrum. This is totally normal.
Nothing has gone wrong. So there were times, I imagine, where you made a decision to stay calm. You didn't match their energy.
You didn't throw your own tantrum. You just made a thoughtful decision about how you wanted to respond. This is exactly what self-trust can feel like right now.
Because when you get triggered or feel overwhelmed, your brain has its own version of a tantrum. It spins and catastrophizes, makes you feel lost in your emotions. But just imagine taking a step back in those moments and supervising that toddler and saying, ah, I see what's happening here.
My brain's just having a tantrum. And instead of reacting to that tantrum, you pause and then decide what to do next. I recently did a masterclass on confidence and I talked about how so many of us think we can't feel confident yet because we haven't done enough or gotten it right yet.
Or maybe we're waiting for someone else to tell us we're doing a good job. We think confidence will come after we figure everything out. But what if confidence starts in those moments when your brain starts spinning, but you choose not to spin with it? I know that you've done that with your kids when they were little.
Maybe there have even been moments you've done that with your teen already. So I have no doubt that you can do this now with yourself, supervising your own mind, cultivating a belief that you can handle this even when it's messy or hard. This is the foundation of real confidence, not something you're waiting to earn, but something you practice minute by minute.
My friend, for so long I thought that being a good mom meant being in control, always knowing the right thing to do, always getting it right. And when I couldn't get my kids to do what I thought they should do and as I started to sense that the potential consequences of my kids' actions and my failures were becoming more than I was willing to accept, I doubled down on trying to control. And my friend, that didn't work.
The more I tried to control, the more I created conflict with my boys and a lot of anxiety and frustration for myself. I couldn't seem to let go of this thought that I was failing and that the consequences of that were going to be catastrophic. But through coaching, what I learned was that I was trying to parent from fear, fear of messing up and losing control, fear of what it would mean about me if my kids struggled.
I didn't need more parenting strategies. What I actually needed was to learn how to stay calm in the midst of the uncertainty of my boys' changing lives. I needed to build trust, not just in my kids, but in myself.
I learned to stop trying to fix my boys' lives so I could feel better and started understanding what was happening for me in my mind. And this changed everything for me. And that is exactly what I help other moms do now.
Because I know how lonely and overwhelming this emptiness straddle can feel. It's so easy to doubt yourself, to wonder if you're doing the right thing. And honestly, because so many of us are so stressed about what we're going through, we don't often talk about it with other women.
And so you can feel like you're the only one feeling totally lost and overwhelmed. This phase of motherhood is full of uncertainty and loss and identity shifts. So much fear about what's going to happen and what's next.
It's a constant potion pole, holding on and letting go, supporting your teen and learning how to let them fly. Maybe also figuring out how we can fly again. You're not doing it wrong.
You're just in a chapter that no one prepares us for. And you don't have to figure this out alone. This is exactly why I created my coaching program.
To empower you to navigate this transition with more clarity, confidence and peace. Because here's the thing, as hard as the season of motherhood is, there is so much opportunity for love and joy, pride and connection. But we can feel so lost in the pain and the fear of this moment that we miss it.
We miss the absolute awe of seeing our kids self-actualize, even when it's messy. Even if it means they're doing it on their own, not wanting us involved. It can be so beautiful.
I don't want you to miss that part. More than anything, the beauty of learning to trust yourself in the emptiness straddle also gives you the gift of being present for all of it. Being present for the simple, everyday moments of connection with your kid.
Even present for those moments when your kid does try to connect with you, even if it looks a little different. Imagine being fully present to create the version of yourself that's still learning and growing and has so much more potential ahead of her. Our kids are off discovering themselves and building their dreams.
And that's available to you too. You don't need to have it all figured out to trust yourself to take that next step. You just need to keep coming back to yourself again and again.
And I promise that's more than enough. Until next time, my friend.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
