THOUGHTS MOMS PARENTING TEENS ARE ASHAMED THEY THINK—“I DON’T EVEN LIKE MY KID.” | EP. 162
Thoughts Moms Parenting Teens and Adult Kids Are Ashamed They Think. "I don't even like my kid."
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace.
I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins. Welcome to Things Moms Are Ashamed They Think, a special series inside the Almost Empty Nest Podcast. If you've ever had a thought about your teen or adult kid that makes you feel like a terrible person, this series is for you. In every episode, which I'll release on Wednesdays, I'll be naming one of those honest but unspoken thoughts out loud, and I'll unpack what's really going on underneath.
Because these thoughts don't make you a bad mom, they make you human. And when you learn how to shift the way you relate to these thoughts inside your head, everything changes. Let's dive in.
Hello, my friend. Have you ever thought, "I don't even like my kid right now"? Can I be honest for a second? I adore my kids with every ounce of my heart and soul. But I have had this thought, and I know that I'm not alone.
In fact, many of my clients have shared this exact same thought with me. Sometimes we think of it in a passing way, like I really just don't like how you're showing up right now. But for some of us, this feels like a recurring thought that comes up a lot, particularly when we're going through something really difficult with our kids.
Now, every time one of my clients has shared this thought with me, they follow it by saying something like, I'm a terrible person for saying this. I think there's a part of them that worries that I'm going to judge them for that thought. But what's true is that they're judging themselves for that thought.
We think, this isn't something that a good mom says, right? But I want to debunk this myth for you, because this is a thought I hear in coaching sessions all the time. I don't even like my kid right now. But my friends, sometimes our kids can be little sh**.
Excuse my French. I mean, the way their eyes can cut into you when they're really dismissing you, when they're really questioning you or not liking something that you did. They can explode in anger and say things like, I hate you or I hate living here.
They can also take advantage of us. They can take advantage of our trust. They can steal things from us.
They can hide things from us. They lie. They break the rules.
They tell us they're going to follow the rules, or they tell us they're going to do something, and then they do the complete opposite. I've had clients who have told me they're afraid to go back to their home because they hate walking into an environment where they have to walk on eggshells and fear talking to their kid. There are also times when our teens don't even have to say anything.
They're just so dismissive, and they shut us out without seeming to care about anything. And I think sometimes the really hurtful part of all of this is that in the past, we had this close, beautiful relationship with these kids, and suddenly somehow we get to the stage where they have absolutely no interest in having a relationship with us, or so it seems. So all this to say in those moments when your teen is rude and dismissive and cold and just mean, I want to validate that it is totally normal and even understandable that you would think, I don't even like this kid.
Here's what I want you to hear. You can love your child deeply and still not like the way that they're acting right now. Those two thoughts can exist in your mind at the same time.
In fact, your brain has this incredible capacity to hold hundreds of thoughts at the same time, and they often have very conflicting emotional frequencies. But it often causes a lot of cognitive dissonance when you're holding two separate thoughts in your head that I love this kid and I really don't like them right now. But here's what happens when you have this thought that I don't like my kid.
First and foremost, I think that often we think that we're the only ones having this type of thought. And with this series, I want to create a bit of a community to help us build awareness that our thoughts are not indicative of us being bad moms, but they are normal reactions to a very challenging time in our parenting experience. So what we often do is we sit here in silence, judging ourselves for having this thought that there's something wrong with us that we're thinking it.
In the face of that disappointment in ourselves, what we'll often try to do is push down the thought, try to ignore it or pretend we're not thinking it. And this actually makes it fester and build up into resentment and anger over time. It's almost like you add weight to the thought because you're trying so hard not to recognize it.
So consider that you have this thought that I don't like my kid right now, and that creates some emotions for you. Maybe dislike or distaste or just this feeling that you want to get away from them. But then on top of these feelings, you feel shame and judgment of yourself for even having these thoughts.
So all of these emotions pile on top of each other and you just feel kind of terrible. So what's happening when you think this thought that I don't even like my kid right now? In this really challenging time of raising our kids, our kids will do things like roll their eyes and yell at us, slam a door, say something hurtful, shut you out, get in trouble again. And so our brains try to make sense of all of this and we have thoughts like, I can't believe that they're acting this way or treating me this way.
I remember this one. I've had this so many times in the past. After everything I've done for you, this is how you behave.
This is how you treat me. We have judgments about our kids, that they're disrespectful and mean and rude, just not a good person. They act like they don't care.
We also have thoughts about how we did something wrong to cause this. How did I raise a kid like this? Or I failed. Now let's think about this.
If you met someone else who was acting like your kid is acting in these moments, you probably wouldn't like that person either. And you wouldn't feel bad about it. But notice how much more complicated it is when it's your kid.
And you love your kid. You would do anything for them. And you used to have a great relationship at least sometime when they were little, right? And so what happened? You kind of feel betrayed.
Like you've been cheated out of something that used to be really beautiful and fulfilling in your life. And all you want to do is feel connected to this person who you love so much. But instead you feel dismissed and rejected and unappreciated and angry.
So here's what's happening in your mind. Your brain is trying to protect you by creating emotional distance. It's essentially a defense mechanism.
It's your brain trying to manage the pain of feeling hurt and disconnected by pulling away. And this actually makes perfect sense, especially when you think about your brain's default wiring to avoid pain, to seek comfort, and to conserve energy. Now in these moments when your kid is acting this way, connection feels painful.
So your brain is like, nope, no thanks. I don't want this. And this is just your brain on autopilot.
In the same way you might jump if someone comes around the corner unexpectedly or if you're in a scary movie and there's a jump scare. Your brain is wired to protect you. And so sometimes it does that by putting up emotional walls, even to protect you against your own kid.
Something I talk a lot about in this podcast is mindset traps. And these are essentially shortcuts your brain takes when you're faced with a situation that your brain perceives as dangerous and unsafe. Mindset traps are basically the way your mind tries to quickly make sense of what's happening.
And this happens almost unconsciously, on autopilot. Again, like that jump scare. But the problem with mindset traps is that while they make sense, because they're your brain's way of protecting you, they usually end up creating more stress, anxiety, and disconnection for us.
Essentially the opposite of what we really want. So it's really powerful to understand these mindset traps and how they play out in completely normal and understandable ways in our minds. But also how they hold us back from feeling how we really want to feel in our lives.
Now, here's something really cool to understand about your mind. There's this primitive part of your brain that reacts on autopilot to protect you. It's that fight-or-flight response that we all have when we feel threatened or triggered.
But then there's this other part of your brain, the more evolved, higher function of your brain. And this part gives you the ability to actually observe what's going on in your own mind and then choose how you want to respond. Now, I'm willing to bet that you've done this in the past, that you've used your higher brain without even realizing it.
Let's say your teen says something obnoxious. For a split second, you want to let them have it. You can feel the anger.
It's like hackles of a dog. You're like, shh. And you want to use a lot of language.
Basically, your instinct is to be obnoxious back to them. But then you take a breath. You have a thought like, me escalating the situation is not going to help anything.
So instead, you take a pause and you say, why don't we talk about this later? And you try to remove yourself so you can calm down. This is an example of you using your higher brain in the moment, even when you're triggered, to choose with intention how you want to show up. And I'm willing to bet that you have done this more often than you realize.
And this is a really powerful skill set that I teach you how to harness in my coaching program. Now, this moment, when you're able to observe your mind and how to choose to respond, this is where your power lies, my friend. So when I talk about these mindset traps, I'm giving you an invitation to become aware of something that might be happening on autopilot in your mind.
And when your higher brain understands this, when it learns these patterns and starts to actively look to observe them in real life, then it starts to relate to that primitive instinct of your brain in a new way. It develops the capacity to be able to redirect that part of your brain in a new way. So when you have the thought, I don't even like my kid right now, what specific mindset traps are at play here? Now, the first one is the personalization trap.
I often call this one mom guilt, but you can also just think of this trap as taking things personally. Now, this is the biggest difference between a stranger acting rude and obnoxious and when your kid does it. Because when a stranger does it, it's clearly about them.
You don't even know them, so how could it be your fault or even really about you? But when your kid does it, that's when it feels personal. Like their attitude, their criticism, their mistakes, that these are a reflection of you as their mom. So it might sound something like, if they're acting like this, I must have done something wrong.
Or if they're treating me this way, it's because I've failed them somehow. It's like we take their actions and interpret them as a reflection of our own parenting and also a measure of the strength of our connection. Like if they really loved or respected me, they wouldn't be acting or treating me like this.
These thoughts feel so true in the moment. But when you think these thoughts, you feel attacked and hurt, maybe even ashamed. And that's why your brain resorts to thoughts like, I don't even like this kid, as a way to gain a little control.
Almost like an emotional parachute. Like I don't want to feel this way, so I'm out. But then of course, this is your kid, so you don't want to feel disconnected and pushing them away.
So then you feel ashamed of thinking this. And then even more judgmental of your kid for making you feel this way. It becomes a circular loop of judgment, anger, shame, and resentment.
It all feels terrible. So that's the mindset trap of personalization. The second mindset trap at play here is emotional reasoning.
Essentially, the automatic reaction in your mind that's based on a belief that because this feels bad, something must actually be bad. Like I feel disrespected, so my teen must be disrespectful. Or I feel disconnected, so maybe we just don't have a connection.
And look, your emotions are always valid. But they're not proof that something is absolutely true. They're simply a reflection of the thoughts you're having about what's happening.
So look, when your kid's being obnoxious or breaking rules and totally ignoring consequences, it makes sense that your automatic reaction is to not want it. It would be so much easier if they would just do what we want them to do, right? But think about it. If your brain is reacting as if the situation is unsafe and shouldn't be happening, and you essentially buy into that as if it's true, that makes this whole thing feel even more terrible.
Because then it's like you can't escape the feeling without fixing your kid, without fixing the situation. But here's what's so interesting. We've talked about how this thought, I don't even like my kid right now, is essentially your mind's way of protecting yourself.
But the problem is that when you don't take the time to understand what's happening, this thought festers and then starts to change how you show up with them. So first and foremost, you try to change or fix your kid. Because again, when we take our initial emotional response as evidence that there's something critically wrong here and we feel like the circumstances are what's to blame for our emotional response, then the only way that we can feel better is to try to fix the situation.
So in this case, to try to fix or change our kid. So what does that look like? It's often yelling, trying to implement new consequences and set different boundaries, giving our kids lectures, telling them all the things they're doing wrong. And these are typically the reactions we have to our anger and frustration.
We can also start to assume the worst about our kid. We basically start seeing them through this lens of what we don't want them to be. So then what I see often with my clients is that we start to focus almost exclusively on all the things that are wrong with our kids.
So essentially looking for more evidence to confirm what we're already starting to believe about our kids, that they're disrespectful, that they're not behaving, that they're just not who they should be right now. And this confirmation bias only builds our own frustration, right? Because we're only seeing the negative parts of our kids. The other way we can react is we can start pulling away from our kids.
Stop trying to engage with them at all because it's just simply too painful to have to interact with them. You might walk on eggshells, not knowing how to respond or talk to them and feeling like every conversation is a battle. Essentially in your mind, this relationship already feels broken.
So you start acting as if it is. So you can see that over time this protective instinct that our brain thinks is trying to keep us safe is actually creating the exact opposite of what you want. Disconnection.
It's a broken relationship with our kid. And on top of that hurt and disconnection, we continue to feel the shame. Like what kind of mother thinks this way? And then we start judging our reaction and behavior.
Like what kind of mother acts this way with their kid? And my friend, it's so painful when you are in this place of feeling so ashamed and defeated, really like you've already failed. It's even harder to show up as the mom you really want to be. So hear this.
If you've ever had this thought that you just don't like your kid, I want you to know that you are 100% a good mom. And I know you love your kid. In fact, if you didn't love them and care so much, you wouldn't care so much about their behavior and wanting them to be the best version of themselves.
And when you're faced with behavior from your kid that you don't want, it also makes perfect sense that your brain wants to create a little distance for you and protect you from that hurt and disappointment. But if you don't take the time to really understand what's going on under the surface for you, this thought robs you of what you care about most, which is the love and connection you want to feel with your kid and the confidence in yourself as a parent. So how do you do this? How do you understand what's happening so that you can show up in a different way? I want to invite you to consider this question.
What if your big kid's behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you? What if the way they're showing up is actually them doing their best right now? I know sometimes that can feel really hard to believe, but consider for a moment that their behavior is all about them and what they're thinking and feeling about their life right now. And one thing we can probably find compassion about is our kids in their lives are going through so much change and turmoil, figuring out friendships, figuring out who they are, figuring out who they are separate from us. It's a time of such growth and confusion, and it's really messy for them, messy in their heads.
And what if that's not about your parenting or your worth as a mom or the relationship you have with your kid at all? Notice how differently that lands. Can you start to see how many possibilities open up when you believe just a little bit that it's possible that your kid's behavior has nothing to do with you, that it's not your fault, that it doesn't mean that you've failed and it doesn't mean that your relationship is broken or even that you have to fix it. It just might mean that your teen is having a hard time and that's about them.
When you really see this, that's when you get to ask yourself, who do I want to be here? Not in reaction to them, but in alignment with who I really want to be as a mom. This is the work. It's not about pretending nothing's wrong or excusing bad behavior at all.
It's about giving yourself the power to respond with intention and love rather than anger, hurt and resentment. And if you're wondering how to do this, this is exactly what I teach in my one-on-one coaching program, Mom 2.0. My friend, if this thought has ever crossed your mind that I don't even like my kid, even for a second, I want you to know that you are definitely not alone and you're not a bad mom. You are a human being having a very real and very complicated emotional experience in a time of life that is fraught with change and development and confusion.
The stage of parenting is really hard. And that's not because you're doing it wrong. It's because it asks so much of us emotionally.
No one ever prepared us for just how personal it would all feel. And no one ever taught us the skills to be able to observe those primitive, fear-based parts of our brain that just want to keep us and our kids safe. But the fact that you're here listening to this means that you do care.
And maybe you could be willing to look at the thoughts in your mind honestly, but without judgment. This is the start of everything changing, my friend. Now, if this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with another mom who might be feeling the same way.
Let's stop pretending that we don't think these things. And let's start talking about what's really going on for us moms.
And if you're ready to take this work deeper and to stop riding the emotional roller coaster of your teen's behavior and start feeling grounded and confident again, check out my next free masterclass. The link is in the show notes. And I'd love to see you there. You have more power than you think, my friend.
And it starts with becoming aware of your thoughts with compassion and giving yourself permission to choose something new. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
