THE APPROVAL TRAP: HOW MOMS PARENTING TEENS CAN REBUILD CONFIDENCE AFTER YEARS OF PUTTING OTHERS FIRST - TRAP #12 | EP. 160
Welcome back to the Mindset Traps of the Empty Nest series. This is trap number 12, the Approval Trap, Rebuilding Confidence After Years of Putting Others First.
Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest Podcast, where we moms of teens and college kids reframe what letting go really means to feel more connected, confident, and at peace. I'm your host, Master Coach Jennifer Collins.
Do you ever find yourself rethinking a decision, not because it feels wrong, but because you're not sure how someone else might react? You second guess yourself, or you don't speak up, or you don't go after something you really want. This isn't just indecision. It's the approval trap.
In today's episode, I'm going to talk about how this mindset trap erodes your confidence and why you struggle to trust your instincts when you think other people won't approve. I'll also talk about what it takes to start creating the confidence to trust yourself, to make decisions about your life and how to move forward. If you've spent years putting other people first, as so many of us moms have, this episode will help you find your voice again.
Let's dive in. Hello, my friend. And I just say it feels really good when other people agree with you and support you, when they see you, when they tell you you're doing a great job, or even I'm proud of you, mom.
Could you imagine? I mean, when it comes from your kids, this kind of validation can feel like everything. Or what if your teen, even in the face of a boundary you had to set, said something to you like, I know that was a hard choice, mom, but you did the right thing. That would be amazing to hear.
But the truth is, we typically don't get this kind of support from our kids. Look, the fact is, they're often self-absorbed young adults. And I'm not even saying this as a criticism.
They're just at a stage of life where it's all about them. They're not focused on approving of what we do. But it can actually be true of other people too.
Even people that love us don't usually spend a lot of time trying to put themselves in our shoes, recognizing all of the reasons we might choose to do what we do. And yet we still feel this pressure to live up to what we assume others expect from us, the roles that we think others think we should play. Now, where do these roles come from? Well, think about it.
We take them on over time through culture and family norms or our upbringing, and definitely how our role as a mom has evolved. We internalize how we're supposed to show up, to be agreeable or reliable, the one who fixes or the one who supports, the one who keeps the refrigerator stocked and does the laundry, the one who's always there in the audience or at the game. No one even has to say it explicitly, but somehow we develop this internal compass that helps us decide what we should be doing.
And in many ways, whether we realize it or not, this is happening not because we've proactively decided it's right for us, but because we've learned it's what keeps everyone else happy. I've spent some time in a past episode in this Mindset Trap series talking about validation seeking. But today I want to talk about something different.
This episode is about the ways we subconsciously shape ourselves and our identity around other people's expectations. Now, let me start with this. As we've been raising our kids, it's hard not to wrap ourselves around the expectations of motherhood.
Are they our expectations or our kids? When they were young, it's almost like they were the same thing. Our kids expect to be able to go to that birthday party, so of course we're going to make that happen. They expect three meals a day and food in the fridge.
They expect to be able to find that one sweatshirt that always seems to get misplaced. I'm making it sound like our kids are little tyrants, but really, isn't it funny that as moms we create an environment where we are literally the glue that everybody expects to hold the family together? I've talked a lot in the past about the expectations we have for other people, but we also have a perception of the expectations other people have for us. And so there's a part of us that's not only working to live up to our own expectations for ourselves, but also, and maybe even more, we're trying to live up to the expectations other people have for us.
So much of motherhood can feel like not wanting to let other people down. So we go out of our way trying to meet everyone else's expectations of us. In fact, we even go out of our way to meet expectations that haven't even been expressly articulated to us because we think that's what other people expect.
It's almost more like we think we should do these things or else we'll be letting other people down. In motherhood, I think it's so easy for our own sense of worthiness to become tied to our perceived ability to be everything for everyone else. And actually, there's a big piece of that that does feel validating.
I reference this often, but truly, that validation and approval we got from our kids when they were little, it was like a drug. It felt so good for our kids to say, I love you, mommy, for their little worlds to revolve around us and our care for them. But sadly, that fades over time.
For me, I don't even remember when that started to change. It's like one minute I remember my boys being so loving and cuddly, and then, maybe it was even later in elementary school, there was a time when it wasn't cool to hold my hand anymore. I'd still get hugs, but they would be quick.
I gradually started to feel like the chef and Uber driver rather than the sun to their moon. But still, for a long time, I was caught up in the logistics and the importance of that role. They needed me, and that was enough.
And then gradually, they needed me less. In fact, at some point, what they start needing even more than us is space and independence. For us to let them make decisions and live life on their own, even if we don't agree.
And it's so hard to let this go for so many reasons. But what's also hard about this gradual transition is that we start to wonder, if they don't need me the way they used to, then what am I supposed to be doing now? If I'm not constantly doing and fixing and showing up for everyone, where does that leave me? It's disorienting, wondering, who am I supposed to be here? And you can apply this question to who you are as a mom, like, how am I supposed to parent my teen as they grow up and become independent? What's that supposed to look like? But it also applies to us and who we are separate from our kids, as women navigating or approaching our next chapter in life. In this Mindset Trap series, I've talked about the validation-seeking trap, which is that need we have to feel seen, appreciated, and acknowledged.
I've also covered the identity trap, which is that question of who you are when the role of a mom starts to change. The trap I want to explore today is different. I call it the approval trap.
This isn't just about wanting to be thanked or not being sure of who you are. It's about the way we shape our decisions, the way we show up with other people, and even our own priorities around what we think will keep other people comfortable. And here's the impact of this, my friend.
This trap, over time, leads us to stop trusting ourselves. It almost trains us to second-guess what we actually think or want. And it convinces us that it's our job to keep everyone else happy, even if that means biting our tongues or avoiding boundaries that might feel uncomfortable.
For many of us, we've been doing this for so long without even realizing it, that we can be unsure of what we even want independent from other people. We're not even sure of our own opinions. We hesitate to make decisions without buy-in, without checking.
And we defer to what feels safe, which again, is keeping other people happy. Not necessarily because we're trying to please in a superficial way, but somehow our own sense of being gets tangled up in everyone else's comfort. And this is the heart of the approval trap.
It's not just about what we do. It's about how we decide who we're allowed to be. Now, you might be thinking, this sounds a little bit like we're talking about people-pleasing.
And yes, it's definitely true that this trap can look like people-pleasing. Basically, doing whatever it takes to make other people happy, even if it's at the expense of your own boundaries. But people-pleasing is about actions.
It can look like the things we do to avoid conflict and gain acceptance, or to be liked. And typically, this means that we place other people's needs ahead of our own. So typical examples of this are when we say yes when we really want to say no.
Or it's when you take on more than you can handle to avoid disappointing someone else. It's also those times when you don't speak up or share an alternative point of view because you don't want to look like you're starting a fight or disagreeing. People-pleasing is really about what you do to make other people happy and comfortable.
And let's be real, as moms, we're all kind of people-pleasers to some extent with our kids. It's built into the job. From the moment our kids are born, we're wired to respond to their needs, to soothe their discomfort, to anticipate what will make them happy.
We're constantly scanning our kids for signs of distress or danger. And it's in our DNA to want them to be happy. I think it's actually a beautiful part of who we are as moms.
But it can become a slippery slope. Because when being the one who keeps everyone happy becomes part of your identity, it gets harder to even recognize what you want or how to regulate yourself when your kids aren't happy. Now, people-pleasing can show up in all kinds of relationships with our partners, their parents and siblings, our friends, co-workers.
But people-pleasing with our kids feels a bit different. Because with our kids, especially when they're young, pleasing them actually feels like love. We're not bending over backward just to be liked.
We're trying to nurture and protect and connect with our kids. We want them to feel safe, happy and loved. And often so many of us do equate their happiness with our own happiness and success as a mom.
But as our kids grow up, that same instinct to keep them happy can start to backfire. We avoid conflict even when we know we need to set a boundary. Or we hesitate to enforce consequences because we're afraid of pushing them away.
Now, with other people and other relationships, people-pleasing often comes more from a place of insecurity or a fear of judgment. We don't want to be seen as difficult or selfish. We worry about being rejected or excluded.
So we accommodate. We take on things we don't want to do because it feels safer than disappointing someone. Even at our age, we can still do this with friends.
But where it seems to happen even more is with family. And often, these relationships have operated this way for so long, it can feel like this is just the way it has to be. You can feel like other people have expectations of me to be accommodating or to show up in a certain way so they can be happy.
Even when you don't want to have to sacrifice your own needs anymore, you can find yourself caught in this trap of perceived expectations. And this is where the approval trap becomes more than just the action of people-pleasing. Because to be honest, I don't think of myself as a people-pleaser at all.
But I see myself regularly falling into the approval trap. And here's the difference. People-pleasing is simply the action of doing things to please other people.
The approval trap is more about your identity. It's about shaping who you are based on other people's real or perceived expectations. This looks like doubting your instincts because someone might not agree.
Or questioning your decisions, not because they're wrong, but because someone else might not approve. It can also look like losing touch with what you want because you're so used to basing who you are and what you do relative to everyone else. And I think this is a big one for us moms, when we've inevitably invested so much of our time, heart, and effort into raising our kids.
When they start to become independent and eventually leave, it's like, wait, who am I? This approval trap in a way is like the intersection of the identity trap and the validation-seeking trap. It's not just about not knowing who you are anymore, like the identity trap. And it's not just about wanting someone else to tell you you're doing a good job, like the validation trap.
It's deeper than that. It's about the habit of looking outside of yourself for permission to define who you are at all. It's the sense that you can't fully claim a new identity or want something for yourself unless someone else signs off on it.
You might think, I want more freedom, or I think I'm ready for something new. But then you hesitate because no one's telling you it's okay. As moms, we can be so used to molding ourselves around what other people need that it starts to feel wrong to choose something just because it matters to you.
And all of this ends up creating a situation where you can lose trust in your ability to define yourself without someone else's approval. Let's look at a few examples of how this plays out for us moms at this stage of life. So let's say you already have an idea about what you want next.
Even if you still have kids at home, maybe you're starting to develop an idea or even a desire to start exploring what that could be. Maybe it's a new career or a creative project. Maybe you've had a dream that you've always wanted to pursue, but you've just never had time.
But instead of trusting that desire, you hesitate. You wait for your partner to be on board or for your teen to say, mom, that would be cool. You should do that.
We can even look to our own parents to show some kind of acknowledgement that this is the right thing to do. Because often pursuing these dreams means carving out more time and energy for yourself. And that can feel really uncomfortable when you've spent so many years putting everyone else first.
You've built your life around being available. So when you start to imagine doing something just for you, something that takes up space or time or attention away from people you love, it can stir up feelings of guilt or fear. You might wonder, will they be okay? Or will they think I've changed? Am I being selfish? And this discomfort alone is enough to stop you from even getting started on that dream.
And you know what's interesting is that even if no one says anything, you can still imagine what they think. You play it out in your mind. Will they be okay with this? Will people think I'm having a midlife crisis? Or will my partner or kid feel abandoned if I focus on myself? Another way this trap shows up is in how we think others, especially a spouse or a partner, might perceive what we want to do next.
You might find yourself hesitating to sign up for that training or to pour time into a creative or volunteer project, not because you don't care about it, but because you're already anticipating the question, what's the point if you're not going to make money doing it? You can fear that that dream will be discounted as a hobby, something cute or frivolous. And so instead of honoring what feels meaningful to you, you start questioning the worth or the value of your dream, not based on how it makes you feel, but based on how productive or profitable it might look to someone else. This comes up especially if us pursuing this dream means that other people will have to pick up some slack on something else, whether that's taking care of our parents as they get older or taking care of our home.
We might tentatively bring up the idea with our partner, and if we don't get the reaction we hope, the approval that we want, then we withhold that permission we could give ourselves to want something more for ourselves. We can also fall into this trap when we run into challenges with our kids. We might reach out to our network to commiserate about our kids' eye rolls or the fact that you caught them with alcohol in their room.
Our friends and sisters and mothers are all well-meaning, but they have their own opinions about what they would do in your position or how you should react and parent your own kid. And suddenly you're getting advice like, you can't just let her treat you that way, or aren't you worried that they have a serious problem with alcohol? And suddenly now you're going against your own instincts about what you think is the right way to parent your child because you've got all these opinions in your head, frankly fueling your anxiety about the situation even more. You can actually feel confident in your own approach, but then question it because others seem not to approve.
I also see this in the college process all the time. We can have an instinct about how we want to approach the process with our own kids. Maybe we want to let our kids write their own essays without us being involved.
Or we could feel comfortable that we don't need to hire a private college counselor because you want your kid to take ownership of the process and let it be theirs. But then every time another mom mentions hiring an essay coach or planning college tours months in advance, you doubt yourself. You wonder, am I being too hands-off? What if it looks like I'm not taking this seriously enough? You can find yourself second-guessing your own instincts and decisions, not because your kid is even struggling or needs the extra help, but because you're worried that somehow it will look like you're not doing enough.
This trap can show up in so many areas of our lives. It's keeping the tradition of the big Sunday family dinner long after everyone even enjoys coming, and definitely long after you enjoy hosting it. It's not wanting to move after your kid goes to college because you don't want your kid to lose their home.
Or hesitating to post something you're proud of online because you worry what other people might think of you. Maybe not signing up for that class because you think your partner will say it's a waste of time. Sometimes no one has to say anything.
You just sense the disapproval. You start picturing what your teen or your spouse or your mom or even another mom friend might think about your choices. And before you even make a decision, you're revising yourself, pulling back on what you really want.
Essentially, you're imagining what other people expect of you and then trying to match your behavior to meet those expectations. And then let's face it, sometimes people do say something or at least make it clear they have a strong opinion. Your mom raises an eyebrow when you tell her about some boundary you set with your kid.
Or your teen makes a snarky comment when you mention going back to work. Or your partner jokes that your meditation training class sounds like a midlife crisis. These comments might be subtle.
Maybe they're not even trying to question or discount you. They could even be well-intentioned. But if you're already unsure, they can feel like confirmation that what you want or what you're doing is wrong or frivolous.
And the impact of this is more than just feeling judged or not being able to make a decision. What this trap really does is erode your confidence. You start to lose trust in your own voice.
You second-guess your instincts and over-analyze every choice, waiting for someone else to confirm that you're making the right decision. Even when something feels deeply important to you, you can hesitate because you've gotten so used to weighing your own desires against how they might be perceived. Over time, this disconnects you not only from what you actually want, but from the belief that you're allowed to want it.
Confidence isn't just about knowing what you want. It actually comes from believing you have the right to go after it, without needing anyone else to give you permission first. As with all of these traps, falling into them is not at all a sign that there's something wrong with you.
My goal with this series is not to give you evidence to start calling yourself an approval seeker or a people pleaser. These labels are not at all helpful. If you take nothing else away from this series, I hope you will hear that these ways of showing up and our tendency to fall into these traps is perfectly normal.
We as humans are designed to respond to our world in this way, and that is in large part due to the motivational triad, our biological instinct to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy. So let's start with what it looks like in this case to seek pleasure. Look, getting approval from other people feels good.
Of course we want it. When someone smiles to confirm we've done the right thing or agrees with us or a decision we're making, it lights up the reward centers in our brain. It feels good and safe.
In contrast, disagreement or disappointing other people, feeling misunderstood or risking judgment, all of that is painful. So what we do is we default to doing the thing that we don't really want to do because it feels less painful than the alternative, risking that disappointment or disapproval. And let's face it, dealing with uncertainty or making a bold choice to do something different or new, it feels like work.
Looking outside of ourselves for permission is actually our brain's way of conserving energy. It feels easier in the moment, even though in the long run, it costs us connection to ourselves. So the approval trap is actually incredibly efficient from the brain's perspective.
It's like a shortcut. Keeping other people happy means staying safe and feeling comfortable. But here's the problem.
That shortcut trains us to silence the part of us that's longing for more and to wait for someone else to say it's okay to want what you want. And this, my friend, is how we end up stuck. Not because we're weak or broken, but because our brain is doing exactly what it's wired to do.
And look, it makes sense. Even when we are ready for a change, there's this whole other layer of discomfort that comes from how that change might impact the people around us. Because becoming a new version of yourself may be a version that sets boundaries or says no or starts working toward a dream.
These changes can make other people uncomfortable. And if you're like so many of the moms I work with, that's the part that feels the hardest. It's not just the fear of judgment.
It's the fear of someone else having a feeling about your choice. Maybe your teen gets annoyed that you don't have time to be on call for every little thing to support them. Or your partner makes a comment about your new routine, how the house is a mess, or he's sick of eating leftovers because you're out most nights.
And look, if you find yourself feeling really uncomfortable when someone else is upset, that makes so much sense. When someone we love is having a big emotion, our brain immediately interprets that as something that needs to be fixed. In fact, we're also biologically attuned to the emotional states of others, especially those we depend on or we care about.
So our nervous system kind of freaks out when someone we love is upset, especially if it seems like we might be the reason why. To your brain, instinctually, someone else's discomfort isn't just their problem. It feels like a signal that you're unsafe, that you might lose connection.
Or going back to the biological reason for this instinct, it's actually the fear that you might lose your place in the tribe. Back when we were cavewomen, being cast out of the tribe actually would mean death. So of course we are biologically geared to fear that risk.
So if your teen is upset because you set a boundary, or if your partner is distant because you said you were going to take on a new commitment for yourself and it impacts him in some way, or if your mother-in-law seems hurt because you said you couldn't go on the family vacation this year, it's so easy to feel like you're the problem, and that by honoring your own limits or your desires, you've somehow let that other person down. And again, if you're someone who's spent years making sure everyone else is okay, then not doing that can feel like you're being cold, or selfish, or uncaring. How is it that we've come to define being a good mom, or partner, or daughter, or friend as anticipating other people's needs and sacrificing our own? That the goal of us being in our own skin is to be sure everyone else around us is okay? And because we've done this, we internalize that we're being selfish when we prioritize our own needs, or make a decision that impacts other people in any way.
You might have seen or read Mel Robbins' book called The Let Them Theory. In it, she articulates this concept in such a powerful way, but the concepts she's describing aren't at all new. The truth is, we actually don't have any choice but to let other people feel the way that they feel.
As I explained in the episode on the mindset trap of the illusion of control, we have the tendency to believe that if we just do or say the right thing, we can control how other people feel. We think if I explain it in the right way, they won't be upset. Or if I anticipate or meet their needs, they'll stay happy.
We essentially think if I don't disappoint anyone, and I'll get to feel at peace. But truth is, my friend, we can't control what other people think, feel, or do, no matter how hard we try. And yet, we spend so much of our energy trying, tiptoeing around hard conversations, managing other people's comfort like it's our job, really letting go of what we want in service to the false assumption that this means other people will be happy.
My friend, it doesn't work. And when we treat other people's comfort or approval as the measure of whether we're doing the right thing, we end up chasing something we can never control. So of course we second-guess ourselves, of course we hesitate, and we withhold from ourselves the ability to feel confident, because we've tied our confidence to other people's reactions instead of our own inner clarity.
But what if confidence doesn't come from getting it right in everyone else's eyes? What if it comes from building the courage to listen to yourself and to honor what truly matters to you? To explore these questions, I want to personally invite you to join me for my next free masterclass. If you've been holding back on a new dream or goal, second-guessing your parenting decisions as your team pushes back, or avoiding setting boundaries with anyone in your life, this class is for you. We're going talk about how to release the pressure to meet everyone else's expectations and start trusting yourself so you can start making decisions with confidence.
My friend, confidence isn't something you're born with, and it's definitely not about being perfect. It's about showing up for your life, grounded in who you are and what you want, without needing anyone else's approval or permission to do it. This ability is already within you, my friend, and I'm going to show you how to access it.
If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love for you to check out my next free masterclass. There's a link in the show notes. You have more power than you think, my friend.
