THE "SHOULD TRAP": TRAP: WHEN MOMS OF TEENS FEEL LIKE THEY’RE FAILING (EVEN WHEN THEY’RE NOT) | MINDSET TRAP #8
Welcome back to the Mindset Traps of the Empty Nest series. This is trap number eight, the should trap, why so many moms of teens feel like they're failing, even when they're not. Welcome to the Almost Empty Nest podcast with Small Jar Coach.
This show is for moms of teens who are ready to let go with love, release anxiety, and rebuild connection with their teen and themselves as they approach the empty nest. I'm your host, Jennifer Collins, a master certified coach and a fellow mom walking this path right alongside of you. You don't have to navigate this season alone.
If you've ever found yourself thinking, I should be more patient with my teen, or I should have been less strict, or given them more space, or maybe I should just be able to handle this better, then this episode is going to hit home. The shoulds we tell ourselves sound like the truth, but they're really just judgments in disguise. And these judgments create guilt, anxiety, and self-doubt, making it almost impossible to feel like you're doing enough, even when you're doing everything you can.
In this episode, you'll learn three powerful things. What the should trap really is, and how it disguises itself as good parenting. Two, where your should thoughts come from and why they feel so true, even when they're not.
And three, how to break free of this guilt and pressure and start parenting from peace and self-trust instead. My goal today is not to give you more rules to follow, it's to help you finally question the ones you've been carrying around without even realizing it. If you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's never enough, take a deep breath.
You're in the right place. Let's dive in. Hello, friend.
Let me start with a question. And this is a question I'm going to come back to throughout this episode, so really give this some thought. What do you think makes a good mom? Let me just share some of the things I've heard from my clients, and maybe some of these will resonate with you.
A good mom should support their kids, but she shouldn't support them to the point where they can't support themselves. A good mom is patient. She definitely shouldn't yell or lose her cool.
She should trust her teen, but she shouldn't let her kid take advantage of her trust. She should give her teen space, but she should also be involved. She should set clear rules, but not be too controlling.
She should encourage her teen's independence, but she shouldn't let them fail. She should check in, but not nag. She should know when to say something, but also know when to say nothing.
She should always be available, but also have boundaries. She should be grateful, because it's not like anything's really wrong. But she should also be worried, because what if she misses something? She should know what she's doing, and if she doesn't, she definitely shouldn't let anyone else know.
Does this list sound absolutely exhausting to you? It does to me. It's contradictory and confusing and totally unrealistic. But also, I've heard every single one of these phrases come out of a mom's mouth.
I've even heard them in my own head, my friend. But these aren't just thoughts. They're actually rules.
Rules we've internalized without even realizing it. They're invisible expectations we carry like a checklist in our minds. And whenever we fail to meet one of these expectations, when we break these rules, even if we don't really want to feel this way, we feel guilty.
Maybe even shame, insecurity, discomfort. We basically feel like we're doing it wrong. In this next episode of the mindset traps of the empty nest, we're talking about the should trap.
That word should, on the face of it, it sounds kind of reasonable, maybe even motivational. But in truth, this word should is simply a judgment. So today I want to explore with you how this trap works and how it's tied to other traps we've explored, like perfectionism and personalization.
And most importantly, I want to talk to you about how to begin freeing yourself from this trap. So this is the eighth trap I'm covering in this series, and I think it's really valuable to recognize how all of these traps layer on top of each other and interrelate so that it's not about falling into one trap or the other, but often a matter of falling into multiple traps at one time, which is why I think sometimes escaping this trap can feel so complicated. So let me start with a story, and I want to invite you to imagine yourself in the scenario with this happening to you.
So your kid gets home from school and they're clearly in a mood. They walk in the door, they barely mumble hello, they grunt or don't respond when you ask how their day was, and then they disappear into their room without another word. I don't know if this has happened to you.
I know it's happened to me so many times with my boys. But just imagine being in this scenario. The situation isn't necessarily a big deal.
Maybe the first time it happens, you kind of brush it off. Maybe wonder what's going on, but you don't make it into a big thing. But over time, if it happens over and over again, they come home, they're always moody, they barely interact with you, you start to feel something about this behavior.
You might even think, what did I do wrong? And here's where you can fall into the first mindset trap that we covered a few episodes ago. And this is the trap of personalization, taking the blame for something or responsibility for something that's not necessarily about you at all. But the truth is, when our kids act this way, it does feel kind of personal.
Sometimes our kids even make it personal. You can't help but think, did I say something? Have I been too pushy or too nosy? Should I give them more space? Or do I need to figure out what's wrong and fix it? So your mind goes to work, trying to figure out how to get through to your kid. Maybe I should get them to talk to me.
Or maybe I should give them some space. You try a few things, and inevitably, it doesn't really work. Maybe they open up to you once, but then the next afternoon they're closed off again.
But you keep trying to find the answers. It feels like there's a right way to approach this, if only you could figure it out. You can find yourself thinking about it all of the time.
You replay conversations in your mind, analyzing their tone, trying to watch them for clues to what's going on. You feel this exhausting pressure to figure it all out. And here you are falling into the perfectionism trap.
It's not about trying to be perfect. It's about believing that there's a right way to do this, that a good mom wouldn't be in this position or would be able to figure it out. So now you've got perfectionism layered on top of personalization or the guilt and blame trap.
And as the pressure to get right builds up, your mind starts to layer on judgment. I shouldn't be taking this so personally. I shouldn't have pushed them away.
I should have known they weren't in the mood to talk. I shouldn't need so much from them emotionally. I should be able to let this go and give them space.
And here we are in the should trap. So personalization tells you it's your fault or your responsibility. Perfectionism tells you there's one right way to do this.
The should trap is the voice in your head telling you that you're getting it wrong, that whatever you're doing, you should be doing something different. This is why understanding these mindset traps matters so much, because it's not just about falling into this trap or another trap. As you can see from the story, these traps layer on top of each other and reinforce each other in a way that only deepens your emotional pain.
And they also make it even harder for you to show up in a way that you really want. So let's take a step back and see what's really going on here, because I think we're all on to ourselves to a certain extent, that we know intellectually that we shouldn't should ourselves. And notice here how this is just another should statement.
But beyond all these shoulds and shouldn'ts is a pattern of thinking that's worth understanding. Because the patterns I'm exploring in the series are habits, and they're also mindset traps. And these traps shape how you interpret what's happening in your life, and how you feel about yourself.
The reason these traps are so powerful and difficult to unwind is that they feel so true, but they're really often misperceptions of what's really happening. In other words, when our thinking is driven by these mindset traps, we're telling ourselves a story about the world that we believe is true. But it's really just a function of the filter or the personal perspective we're viewing our life through.
It's a trap because this perspective isn't unequivocally true. And we don't even realize that's the case. It's not factually true, but we believe it to be.
In fact, we often just think we're being self-aware, maybe being responsible or honest with ourselves. But what's really happening is that your brain is falling into old, familiar patterns of thinking. Habits designed to help you avoid pain, seek comfort, and keep things simple.
So as we're exploring the should trap, let's talk about where these shoulds come from. Because the truth is, you never sat down to decide on these rules or shoulds you have for yourself. They're not necessarily conscious choices.
You can even think of them as inherited or learned beliefs. You absorb them over time throughout your life. As you grow up, you observed your own mom.
And maybe there were aspects of what she did that you've internalized as the right way. Or it could be the opposite. Maybe to you, a good mom is someone who does something very differently from what your own mom did.
Your mom set a standard, one example of what it means to be a mom. And so in your mind, you've decided what a good mom looks like in relation to her. That could be what a good mom should look like or what it shouldn't look like, based on her example.
The culture you were raised in also plays a role here. For each of us, this might look very different. But we're influenced by cultural expectations around what a woman is supposed to be and do, what motherhood should look like.
Sometimes we're able to break free of some of these expectations because with each generation we question and redefine what's considered normal or acceptable. But even when we challenge these standards, they still simmer in the back of our minds, shaping how we see ourselves and judge our choices, really how we think about what we should be doing as moms. And this isn't just about our upbringing.
There's also society's expectations, our communities, what we see in the movies and on social media. And all of this comes together, creating a picture in your mind of what it looks like to be a good mom, to have an ideal family or the ideal life. And we internalize all of this without realizing the power that it has over our day-to-day lives.
And I say all of this not because we're doing anything wrong. This is just a function of how we operate as humans. Our brains are wired to observe patterns and learn from our environment.
Our brains are trying to observe the world and make sense of our place in it. And all of this informs the lens through which we see ourselves in our lives. This becomes our perspective, which also means it becomes our bias.
Now, I want to pause and say this isn't a bad thing. Having a bias doesn't mean you're doing something wrong or even that your perspective is wrong. It's just valuable to understand that you see the world through a filter that's been shaped by your past, community, and experiences.
It's like your brain takes all of these inputs and creates an internal rulebook and then holds you accountable to the rules that you may not even feel like you've chosen consciously. They just feel like a part of who you are or who you think you should be. Like as a mom, you should be patient.
You should always be available. You should help your kid be successful. You should help them avoid pain.
You should know what to say and what to do. And you shouldn't take things so personally. All these shoulds, these rules, feel so true.
But they're simply a reflection of your conditioning. And if you're not aware of these rules and how they're constantly telling you that you're failing or falling short, this is when you fall into this trap. I want to take a moment to reinforce again how these traps layer on top of each other.
Because in past episodes, I've talked about personalization and perfectionism. And they feel very much related to this trap. So let me clarify the distinction.
Personalization is when you make something about you. Basically, you assume that you're at fault, which is why I sometimes refer to personalization as mom guilt. But it's also when you feel responsible for fixing problems or situations that are not necessarily your responsibility to fix.
A perfect example is when we try to fix our kids' emotions rather than allowing them to feel what they need to feel. So if personalization is about guilt and responsibility, perfectionism is about fear, essentially fear of what might happen if you don't get it exactly right. So you can see how personalization and perfectionism weave together in a really powerful and negative way.
Because if you're responsible and you have to get it right or else, think about how much pressure that is. Then on top of all of that, the should trap is the judgment that tells you you're doing it wrong. That whatever you're doing, it's not right or it's not enough.
Think about how much weight all of these traps put on us as moms. It's no wonder that we feel anxious and stuck or guilty, sometimes even shame. The worst part is that these shoulds sound so reasonable, even like a good idea.
You should give them space. You should get them to open up to you. You should know what's going on.
Of course you want to do the right thing, but the should trap is that voice telling you that however you're showing up right now isn't good enough. As my own boys have grown up, one of the hardest things for me as a mom has been watching them struggle. It's really hard to see your kid in pain and not know how to fix it.
I really miss those days when I got to be the hero. My boys would come to me with big tears in their eyes and with a hug and a cookie, I could make it all better. Somehow, miraculously, that used to be enough.
But now, a lot of the time I see my boys struggling and I don't even have the details or know the context of what's going on. There have definitely been times in the past when I've taken things personally, made their behavior or moods mean that I did something wrong. Believe me, I've been there.
But even now, I notice my tendency to make what they're going through about me in the sense that I feel responsible. Either responsible for having not done enough in the past, or responsible to help fix the situation in front of them now. This is my personal version of personalization.
Then for sure I have standards in my mind of what it would look like to make things right. My boys would be happy again, problem solved. I'd feel like the hero.
And it would be the adult version of me delivering the hug that saved the day. Literally, in my mind, I think that's the standard. Solve all the problems so that my boys never hurt.
Or I've failed. Here's my trap of perfectionism. Even as I realize intellectually that perfection isn't even possible, that of course my boys will hurt sometimes, I can sense my basic instinct to fix my own discomfort when they're struggling in any way.
I will never be able to make life perfect for my boys. It's not realistic to think they'll be happy all the time. But that doesn't stop my primitive brain from suggesting that I should be doing more to meet that impossible standard.
And even though I'm on to myself about all of this, I'm still surprised how much my beautiful but primitive brain will default to this type of thinking. If I'm really honest with myself, sometimes I think it feels like my brain turns my boys' emotional well-being into a report card on my parenting. And I know I'm not alone in this.
I coach so many moms who tell me some version of the same thing. If my kid is struggling, I must have done something wrong. Or I should have done something to prevent this.
Or I should know how to fix this for them now. So does the fact that our brains default to this type of thinking means there's something wrong with us? I'm here to tell you that it absolutely does not. If you've been listening to this series for a while, you've heard me talk about the motivational triad.
Basically the idea that our brains are wired to help us survive by prioritizing three things. Avoiding pain, seeking pleasure, and conserving energy. This is literally your brain on default.
So what that means is that your brain is constantly scanning your environment for danger, discomfort, or anything that might feel uncertain or risky. So believe it or not, all these shoulds you have rolling around in your mind are just your brain's way of keeping you safe. Remember how I talked earlier about the internal rules we have in our minds? Well these rules give your mind parameters.
Basically guidelines that help give you a sense of safety. Like if you follow these shoulds, then you'll stay safe. You won't mess up.
You won't be rejected or judged. Maybe also that you'll finally feel in control. So when your teen shuts you out, for example, you feel hurt or rejected.
And so your brain tries to solve for the pain by offering up a list of ways you could have avoided that pain. You start thinking thoughts like you should give her more space when she comes home from school. Or you should stop being so needy.
You should stop asking so many questions. Notice how your mind is hypothesizing, trying to solve for a problem it sees, the painful emotions you feel. But all these shoulds aren't necessarily solving anything.
They're just reinforcing the belief that you caused the pain or that that pain is your fault or your responsibility. So you need to fix it by being better. Your brain thinks it's helping you avoid pain, but what it's actually doing is just causing more pain, more pressure and guilt and shame on top of hurt and rejection.
So let me break down this motivational triad for the should trap even more. So there's avoiding pain. Your brain does this by giving you rules to prevent pain or to prevent pain from happening again.
You can think of this as your brain trying to learn how to self-monitor and keep you from repeating mistakes. When it comes to the second part of the motivational triad, seeking pleasure, the shoulds give you the relief of having control. Think of it this way.
If there's a right way to do things and you just do that right thing, then theoretically you get to feel better. It can feel like a relief to think this way, except for when you realize it rarely ever works out this way. Because often we don't even know what that one right thing is or or even when we think we know it doesn't work in practice the way we hoped it would.
Finally, that last part of the motivational triad, conserving energy. This is fascinating. One of the biggest ways our brains conserve energy when it comes to mindset traps is that your brain learns mental shortcuts so it doesn't have to work so hard or process so much information all the time.
These shoulds are also mental shortcuts. It's like, just follow this rule and then you'll feel better. You don't have to think about it or stay in pain.
Just do this thing and move on. The ultimate problem is that all these solutions, these shoulds, are built on a lie or at least an assumption that's not necessarily true at all. The lie that you're doing something wrong, that you're responsible for fixing it, that you better fix it or else.
And if the problem isn't solved, that you should be doing something different. It's this painful circular argument. But this, my friend, is your brain doing exactly what it's wired to do to protect you, to keep you safe and avoid pain, even if it's just emotional pain.
But what your brain doesn't always realize is that your pain isn't actually coming from the situation. It's coming from the story you're telling yourself about the situation and your role in it. There's no doubt that there are situations with our kids and in our lives that are challenging.
But these mindset traps make these situations even more challenging and exhausting. And ironically, these traps also make it so much harder to show up as the mom you really want to be in these situations, because your approach becomes about you and potentially less about your kid. But here's the good news.
You don't have to stay stuck in these traps. Just because these traps are your mind's automatic default response, it doesn't mean you don't have the power to use your higher brain to write a different and more empowering narrative. Recognizing and breaking free of these mindset traps isn't at all about doing it perfectly.
Ironically, that would just be another should. But the most powerful first step is to just notice, to pause long enough to hear that internal voice and ask yourself, where is this coming from? Whose rule is this? And is this actually helping me show up the way I want to? Or is this just a judgment I'm using against myself? As I've explained today, these traps don't usually show up alone. They layer on top of each other.
They reinforce each other. And in real life, they don't just announce themselves like, hey, I'm falling into the personalization trap, or hey, I'm going to be a perfectionist today. And in fact, as much as I'm sharing this information about mindset traps with you in this series, I don't want you to use this knowledge against yourself.
You don't need to diagnose yourself. In fact, that's the biggest takeaway here, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you that your brain falls into these traps. Because I know mine does.
And my client's minds do. All of us fall into these traps when our brains are left on autopilot. The question is, do you have the tools to supervise your mind? My friend, I want to invite you to think of these mindset traps as well-practiced habits of thought.
They're not the truth of who you are. As you build awareness of your own personal flavor of traps, that's when you gain power back over your own emotional well-being and stop reacting from guilt, fear, and frustration. Learning about these traps is just the beginning.
Understanding how to break free of them, that's where the real transformation happens. And this is the work I do every day with my clients. So whether you're struggling with your team or as you navigate the transition to the empty nest, if you're ready to stop feeling stuck in anxiety, guilt, or self-doubt, and want to start showing up with more confidence, peace, and self-trust, I'd love to help.
And it starts with a simple conversation. Click the link in the show notes to book a free call with me. We'll talk about where you are, what's getting in the way, and what it might look like to move forward without judgment or pressure.
This is a space for you to observe your own beautiful mind and find the peace and self-trust that will change everything for you. You don't have to figure this all out on your own, my friend. So as you go about your day, I invite you to pay attention.
Just notice the next time that little should voice pops up in your head. And when it does, when it starts saying to you you should be doing more, or doing it better, or doing it differently, just stop for a moment. And instead of falling into the guilt or the pressure, just ask yourself this simple question.
Says who? Because here's the reality. You are the only one who gets to decide what's enough. And you are the only one who needs to give yourself permission to believe that you are already enough, exactly as you are in this moment.
Thank you for being with me on the Almost Empty Nest podcast, my friend. I am so grateful that you're here. Until next time.
If you enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review and check out our coaching program mom 2.0 at www.thesmalljar.com. You have more power than you think my friend.
